


The Ending

by necromanced



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Character Death, Depression, Drug Dealing, Drugs, Endgame is Bellamy/Jasper, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Gang Violence, Gangs, Honestly this is just shameless catering to my ship so, Human Trafficking, M/M, Nightmares, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Violence, Pining, these tags make it sound a lot worse than it actually is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 127,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromanced/pseuds/necromanced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy Blake noticed the lanky kid that visited the book store for a solid three hours every week day about four months ago. He had the same routine. His clothes almost always looked the same way. He always smiled at Bellamy the same way when he left five minutes before closing, and he always walked in with the same smile the next day. Except for that day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blake's

_The lock on the door was broken, so I let myself in after a moment of speculation. The hall was dark, and the room at the end of the hall even darker. I didn't hear the usual noises that came from my apartment; the gentle whir of the ceiling fan, and the bubbling of the living room fish tank. Before walking in, I checked the hall to see if there was a power outage, but the lights were on. How else would I have seen the broken lock?_

_After debating my choices, I ended up walking down the hall, my feet carefully creaking against the wood floor._

_"Hello," I called carefully. Suddenly there was a knocking on the door at the end of the hall, and I-_

Jasper's watch beeped from beside him, making him jump out of his daze and back to reality. It was already 7:55? He checked his watch, the time right on the dot as he shut off his alarm and then grabbed the book he had snatched from the shelves of the bookstore he liked to frequent after school. He grabbed his bag from off of the floor, slinging it over his shoulder before finding the place he had marked for the book, and set it up there. After a second to make sure he had his phone, he started towards the door of the store, turning only for a moment to smile and wave at whoever was at the counter that day. He noticed more and more it was a younger man, older than himself, but still pretty young for a bookstore employee. Jasper stopped at the sidewalk outside, stretching his arms over his head and yawning loudly. He was silently thankful his apartment was only four blocks away from the store. It made for easy traveling, and if he ever needed a good book, all he needed to do was walk a little, and he had them all. Of course, he supposed he should actually  _buy_ a book from the bookstore soon, but his constant loitering didn't seem to bother any of the employees there.

With a sigh, he turned and found himself at the door of his apartment complex, slipping inside and running to their apartment at the end of the long hall. Jasper had been lucky enough to find an apartment on the first floor, and not only that, but shared it with his best friend, Monty. There was never a time where Jasper was without Monty in his life, and he planned on keeping it that way. Jasper jiggled his key in the door, opening it wide and finding Monty sitting on the couch, watching TV before he waved at Jasper.

"Dinner's in the fridge." Monty said, and Jasper smiled.

"Thanks. How were classes today?" Jasper pulled his backpack off and set it down beside the dinner table. "Did Cisowski change your grade?"

"Even better, he bumped it up a little. Your friend is now acing physics and labs."

" _Both_ classes? Damn." Jasper said, almost enviously. "I can't even get Cisowski to fix my name in the system. I'm still Japer Jord. Who even does that?"

"He doesn't like you ever since _the lab_." Monty said. "You kind of almost made mustard gas."

"Okay, but he wasn't very clear about throwing away the chemicals. You can't just say throw them away in the proper sinks and then expect someone to not get confused."

"Jasper, the sinks were labeled."

"True." Jasper agreed with a laugh. "Anyway, I'm gonna eat and then do some homework. You have anything left?"

"Some language stuff. French is hard."

"Spanish is harder. We can whine about it together." Jasper said before heading to the kitchen and grabbing whatever food Monty had made for that night. It'd be Jasper's turn to make something the next night, so he had to figure out what to make before it got too late. He reheated his food, took out his homework, and then sat down with Monty and chatted away with him. He didn't mind his boring routine so much, sometimes. To be fairly honest, he loved it.

* * *

Octavia hummed lightly as she restocked some of the shelves of books after she finished dusting them off, Bellamy handing her book after book from the ground while he focused on his phone in his hands. Octavia scoffed, bumping a book against the back of Bellamy's head as he looked up at her and grabbed it.

"Not the book I needed. I need Burgess next." She said. Bellamy rolled his eyes, but handed Octavia a book with the author's name on it, and she continued humming, sliding the book in its place before she sighed heavily.  _Oh god,_ Bellamy thought,  _a sigh means a conversation._ "Hey, Bell?" She said. Bellamy grunted in acknowledgment. "Don't you ever think about what it'd be like to travel someplace? Move somewhere new?"

"No." Bellamy answered. Octavia scoffed again, but she pressed on like she always did with Bellamy.

"C'mon, don't you ever think about getting out of this place and doing something better than this?" Octavia tried to think of things to say while Bellamy shook his head again. "You really like being in this stupid store with all of these dusty books? I hate it. I can't stand it sometimes."

"This was mom's store." Bellamy snapped at her, though he knew she wouldn't take it as anger at her, and just annoyance that she seemed to forget about their mother so easily. He knew she cared about their mother, in life and in death, but after she passed, all Octavia could talk about was moving someplace else, starting new, but Bellamy didn't  _want_ to start new. He wanted to keep working at the bookstore and stay someplace comfortable, safe, reliable, someplace where he could take care of Octavia to make sure nothing happened to her the way something happened to their mother.

"I know." Octavia replied softly. "I just meant... I, uh, looked into going abroad next semester." She admitted sheepishly, and Bellamy looked up at her, eyes boring holes at her, but she knew that, so she didn't look. Instead, she reached her hand out, and Bellamy knocked the books next to him over, standing up and walking to the register as Octavia gasped and scolded her brother.

"Why are you so obsessed with going somewhere?" Bellamy snapped. Octavia's face flushed red, and she picked up the piles of books from the floor. "Can't you ever just appreciate what we have? We have a house, food, money to spare. We even have a store to bring money in, and you just want to run away from it all."

"I'm not  _leaving_ , Bell, I just want to have some time to myself, and what better way to do it than study abroad? My counselor said I'm eligible for a scholarship, and I can learn the language on my own."

"And how much is living abroad going to cost?" Bellamy asked. Octavia, again, blushed furiously. She hated talking about school with Bellamy, because he was always focused on the financial aspect of it all. Truth be told, Bellamy paid for most of Octavia's schooling, from books to supplies, and even gas money for the car they shared. The only things Octavia ever paid for were bills, occasionally, and her own luxuries, which Bellamy rarely chided her for. "How much do I have to dip into our savings so you can run away from everything?"

"You're such an ass." Octavia said. "I have money saved from work. Here, and the coffee shop." She said, referring to the measly amount of work she did around the bookstore (mostly because Bellamy didn't want her to do much), and her other job at a family coffee shop. She made a decent amount of money there, and had since she started working there the year before. "And Lincoln said he'd help me pay for whatever I needed while I was there."

"Oh," Bellamy laughed, "that's why you wanna go. Lincoln is there."

"Yes!" Octavia said. "God, wouldn't you do that for someone you love? If I moved there, wouldn't you want to at least see me there once?"

"You are not moving there." Bellamy said. Octavia stood up straight, hands on her hips as she smirked.

"Yeah? Well, you're not my mom. You're not my dad. You're my brother, and I'm an adult."

"You can go if you really want to, O, I'm not going to argue with you anymore. But before you forget about your family for your continental boyfriend, just remember that I'm the only one you've got." Bellamy said. Octavia went quiet, about to retort with something when the bell at the door jingled, and they both directed their attention to the door. They found a tall, lanky kid standing there, frozen in his tracks at the sight of the two siblings staring at him so intensely. He grabbed the door handle.

"Should I leave?" He asked awkwardly. Octavia rolled her eyes, walking to the back room that led to the stairs of their house. Bellamy shook his head at the customer standing in the doorway.

"You're fine." Bellamy said. "Sorry about the mess."

"Huh? Oh, it's okay. Do you need help?" The customer asked. Bellamy shook his head again.

"That's fine. Go ahead, let me know if you need anything." He waved him off, walking back to the pile of turned over books on the ground, organizing them by name and then setting them back on the shelves one-by-one. After the entire shelf was filled, he found himself holding one book, the name not sounding familiar, but somehow needing to fit in between Capote and Carey. Bellamy felt someone move beside him, tall figure just short of his own as he glanced at the customer from the corner of his eye. The customer cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to play it off smoothly, but how could a lanky, clumsy person like himself think he could be smooth? Bellamy stifled a laugh.

"That's, uh, Orson Scott Card. He goes after Capote, before Carew."

"Can't fit it in." Bellamy acknowledged. "I know where it went."

"Weird." The customer remarked. Bellamy looked at the book in his hand. He knew they had sold plenty of copies before, so he wanted to keep it just in case somebody else wanted to buy it. Bellamy reached out, pulling out  _Miriam_ by Truman Capote instead. They had extra copies of that book in the back, he knew. He stuffed the book by Card away, looking over  _Miriam_ before he flipped it over and reached his hand out to the stranger beside him.

"Want it?" Bellamy asked. The customer looked shocked, dark eyes going wide as he lifted his hands up and shook them.

"I'll pay for it. That's a good book, a really good book, and it's in good condition. L-let me pay-"

"Take it." Bellamy ordered, and the customer took it in his hands without a moment's hesitation. "I can manage not selling one book."

"Thanks." The customer said.

"Consider it as a thanks for interrupting my sister when you walked in."

"Oh god, I knew I should've left."

"It's fine." Bellamy said, pulling out another few books from the shelf underneath the one Octavia had just dusted and he had restocked. "You come here often, right?" Bellamy said. The customer tensed.

"Er, yeah. I usually just come in and grab a book...."

"You sit over in the corner." Bellamy said. "I've noticed."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Go ahead and cop a squat if you want. I'll just be dusting." Bellamy said, deciding that was enough conversation for the day. He grabbed a rag from the counter, but stopped when he realized the customer was still standing there, book held to his side and a sort of dumbfounded expression on his face.

"I'm Jasper." He said. Bellamy looked at him, watching as a nervous smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Bellamy had to stifle a laugh again.

"Bellamy Blake."

"Are you the owner-"

"Yes." Bellamy cut him off. "And no, I really don't mind you reading and not buying. Go and read. Go away." Bellamy rushed him away, and Jasper nodded, taking his book to the corner of the store and opening it happily. He immediately fell into his comfort zone, leaning back on the wall with his earbuds popped in as he started the first line of  _Miriam_. Though he had read the book before, and he  _was_ reading a new book just a few days before, he wanted to show Bellamy that he appreciated his act of kindness. So Jasper sat, quietly reading line after line before flipping the page, and doing the same over and over. Sometimes, Jasper hated how quickly he could read. Whether it was the slight photographic memory he had, or just how much he enjoyed the book, he found himself halfway through it just an hour later. The books Bellamy had pulled out were now dusted and set back in their shelves. This time, there was no one extra book. Everything fit just fine.

* * *

Jasper felt his phone buzzing in his pocket this time, alarm warning him of the time as he stuffed his book in his backpack, and then slung it over his shoulder. He watched as Bellamy stood at the counter, counting each bill in the drawer and setting them down on the counter. Bellamy hardly looked up, nodding at Jasper before he kept counting.

"Er, thanks again." Jasper said. Bellamy managed to look up long enough to find himself staring in the chocolate brown eyes of his awkward customer.

"Yeah, you're welcome."

"I'm almost done with it, so... I'll let you know how it is."

"Read it." Bellamy said. "Have a good night."

"Bellamy, right?" Jasper said. He nodded. "All right. I'll see you soon." Jasper said before walking out of the store, a light smile creeping its way onto his lips as he started walking down the sidewalk to his apartment. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket again, mood immediately brightening when he found a message from Maya.

> Maya: hey I just got off of work and I wanted to see if you want to get pizza?
> 
> Jasper: sure!! :D
> 
> Maya: okay let's meet at our usual. Monty can come too!
> 
> Jasper: no way!! i'm going on this date alone.

Jasper dialed Monty's number, letting him know he was going out for pizza, and, after promising pizza for Monty as well, hung up and started running down the opposite way instead. He found himself looking to his left as he passed Blake's, the bookstore, and smiling into the window when Bellamy noticed him walking by. Bellamy gave him an odd sort of look, but he guessed that would make sense if Jasper had walked the other way past the store in the first place.

The pizza place was open, and Jasper slipped inside, ordering a pepperoni pizza and soda as he sat down and watched the door. Maya walked in only a few minutes later, a smile on her face as Jasper stood up and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the side of her face with a smile on his own face now.

"Missed you." Jasper said. Maya smiled timidly, her cheeks a light pink as she sat down across from Jasper and started talking about her day. Maya didn't go to school with Jasper, but attended online school. When she wasn't sick, she was able to come out and do things with Jasper, but a lot of times, she felt terrible to ask Jasper to see her while she was sick. Jasper noticed she was already lifting her hand to her face, hiding a part of her cheek away from him as he leaned out and held her hand. She shook her head a little.

"I had a flare up." She said softly. Jasper glanced at her cheek where a red rash was, only a little noticeable to him, but bright and irritating to her. "It's gross."

"Hey." Jasper said. "Are you okay? Do you not want to eat?"

"I.... My chest kind of hurts." She admitted. Jasper heaved a sigh, but not because he was disappointed in her. He was only worried as he thought about how much pain she must have been in walking from work to the pizza store, and how she would have to deal on the way home. "I don't like bothering you with those kinds of things."

"You know you're never a bother to me." Jasper said. Maya nodded nervously. "Maya, why don't you go see a doctor about this?"

"My mom had this too, she was fine." Maya said. "My dad said it passes in a couple of days, so I'll be fine before I have to go back to work."

"Oh yeah, today's Friday." Jasper said. "Well.... If you start to feel worse, I want you to go see a doctor. I can pay for it."

"No, don't." Maya protested. "It's really okay. I think it might be eczema or something."

"Eczema doesn't make your chest hurt." Jasper replied. Maya shrugged, grabbing a slice of pizza and taking a bite before Jasper could argue with her anymore. She really didn't like talking about it with him, and she meant it. Her problems bothered him enough already that she didn't want to add anymore to it, even if she was experiencing a few odd things here and there. Sometimes too much light bothered her, and other times her chest hurt just a little bit too much, but she didn't think it was worth mentioning to Jasper. Besides, when she was with him, she could forget about everything for a while and just focus on him.

"How were classes?" Maya asked. Jasper thought for a moment, and then chatted away about his classes for the day, boring as they were, along with how tired he was since he had an 8 am class that morning. She listened intently, a smile on her face as she nodded again, forcing herself to swallow down the slightly acidic taste in the back of her throat. Heartburn. But she could push that aside and listen to Jasper before he noticed that she was in pain again.

* * *

If there was anything in the world that Bellamy may love just as much as he loved Octavia, it would be bourbon.

He swirled it around his glass, staring at the ball of ice in the middle rotate along with his drink before he took another swig of it and set his glass down on the bar. The bartender immediately came back, about to pour him another drink when somebody's hand darted out in front of him and stopped him. Bellamy looked up, finding the familiar smug expression on John Murphy's face. Bellamy had to hold back the instinct of rolling his eyes as he looked away, pulling his glass out from underneath Murphy's hand and letting the bartender pour him another one.

"Drinking so early, Bellamy?" Murphy asked.

"It's five somewhere." Bellamy said with a small smile. Murphy sat down next to him, knocking his knuckle on the bar and ordering a Jameson on the rocks. "Didn't you  _just_ say it's early?"

"If you're drinking, I'm drinking." Murphy said. "So, how are things at the bookstore? Anybody troubling you lately?" He said, almost smirking at his question. Bellamy looked down at his drink, shaking his head and forcing himself to down the drink as quickly as he could. In order to be around Murphy, he  _had_ to be drunk. "Mm. Wonder why."

"If you want me to thank you, you might as well forget it." Bellamy said. "It's your fault it happened to the store in the first place. If you had just kept your mouth shut about where I was, nobody would have ever known."

"And yet, nobody is attacking your store now. I think a "thanks" is in order."

"Keep thinking, then." Bellamy said. "Murphy, what do you want?"

Murphy shrugged, taking a sip of his own drink and groaning loudly as it burned on the way down. Bellamy looked at the bartender, who simply shrugged in response. He knew Murphy was underage.

"Maybe I wanted to catch up with an old buddy." Murphy said. Bellamy furrowed his brows in response, ordering another drink without sparing even a glance for Murphy. Truth be told, he hated seeing Murphy anywhere. It reminded him of what he did before with his gang, the shit they pulled around town for shits and giggles, which ultimately led to the incident at the bookstore. Murphy rarely brought it up, but when he did, he liked to boast about how he was the one that stopped anymore damage to the store. There wouldn't have been any in the first place if Murphy had just left Bellamy alone. Still, Bellamy couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt as Murphy sighed from beside him and took another drink.

Bellamy may have shirked an awful lot of responsibility off of his own shoulders and onto Murphy's. When he quit the gang for good, all of the work fell on Murphy to continue, and while Bellamy hated him at the time, he felt a little bad now. Bellamy caught his eyes wandering over Murphy's arms, tracing over the tattoos he had, and one unfinished one wrapping around his elbow. When Bellamy's eyes eventually ended up meeting Murphy's own, he felt his face warm, and he darted his gaze away before Murphy could comment. Murphy still let out a stifled laugh.

"You can look." He said. Bellamy's knuckles went white as he tightened his fingers around the glass in front of him. "It's fine."

"Cut it out." Bellamy ordered, though his voice didn't have the force he wanted behind it. Murphy had that sort of effect on him sometimes. Bellamy gulped down the last of his drink, taking money from his wallet and slamming it down on the bar. "Have a nice night, Murphy." He said, but as soon as he rushed outside, finally able to catch some fresh air, Murphy was right beside him, smile still tugging at the corners of his lips as he pulled on his signature leather jacket. Originally, it was his father's, but after his death, Murphy claimed it as his own. It had seen better days, but it still fit him as if it was made for him.

Bellamy huffed, walking down the street as he pulled out his keys.

"Drinking and driving? Tsk, I thought you knew better." Murphy chided.

"I'm not drunk." Bellamy protested.

"Buzzed driving is still drunk driving."

"Since when do you care about the law?" Bellamy snapped. "Or about me, for that matter?"

"I take offense to that." Murphy said. "I've always cared about you." The sarcastic tone from his voice seemed to dissipate for a second, his voice sounding small, but he quickly puffed up his chest and stood straight again. "I can drive you home."

"I wouldn't trust you with my car." Bellamy said.

"All right, then let me ask you this," Murphy began, already knowing he was going to win this fight, "do you want me to drive you home, or do you want to listen to Octavia lecture you when you get home?"

Bellamy chewed on his bottom lip, damning Murphy for knowing so much about Octavia, and more so for making him feel bad. Bellamy groaned, throwing his keys at Murphy and walking to the passenger side of his car instead. Murphy jingled the keys in his hand, slowly approaching Bellamy at the side of his car and stepping closer, inch by inch, until Bellamy was practically pinned to his car. The smell of alcohol on Bellamy's breath was the only thing he could think about before Murphy leaned in and kissed him, hard, as he used his other hand to pull Bellamy's hair. Bellamy held back a noise in his throat as he pushed Murphy off of him, but not before Murphy bit down on his lip and smiled.

"C'mon, Bell." Murphy said. "I get you don't miss the lifestyle, but don't you miss me?" He asked.

"Never." Bellamy said. "Take me home."

"Fine." Murphy said, but not before he snuck in for another kiss, lips meeting heatedly between the cool air. Murphy's hands landed in Bellamy's hair, tugging lightly and forcing a groan from him. Murphy smiled, but not for long when he felt Bellamy's fingers darting for the sides of his neck. Bellamy pulled away again, shaking his head.

"Not tonight." He said.

"That's fine." Murphy said, giving in after the second kiss and walking to the driver's side. After sliding in and starting the car, Murphy pulled out of the parking spot easily.

"You turn left up here on-"

"Liberty." Murphy interrupted. "I remember."

"Yeah." Bellamy said. He looked out of his window, staring at the flashing lights they passed before Murphy cleared his throat, and Bellamy lazily looked over at him. He may have drank just a bit too much too quickly at the bar. Trying to get drunk before Murphy could talk to him was a lost cause.

"How's Octavia?" Murphy asked.

"She's... fine."

"Mm, I know that tone." Murphy said. "What's she trying to do now?"

"She wants to study abroad." Bellamy said, finally accepting that there was no fighting Murphy on this. Even though he and Murphy had their differences in the past, particularly after the death of Bellamy's mother, he was closer to Murphy than he was anybody else. Even closer than he was with Octavia. "She wants to go study abroad and be with Lincoln, and I'm just... ugh, the money."

"You need money?" Murphy asked.

"No, I don't. It's just a lot."

"I can give you some."

"Don't just say shit like that." Bellamy snapped.

"I'd give you money."

"I'd pay you back."

"See the thing about giving stuff to people, Bell, is that you don't exactly always need to give something back." Murphy said.

"You're ridiculous."

"And you're stubborn." Murphy replied. "Well, if you ever need money, let me know."

"I don't." Bellamy said, rubbing his forehead in frustration and letting out a heavy breath of resignation. "Never mind. Forget I said anything. She's fine. Everything is fine."

Murphy didn't say anything, taking the last turn down the street before he pulled up at the bookstore. The lights above the store were on, meaning Octavia was home. He really didn't want to explain to her why he was drunk at 4:45 on a Sunday afternoon. Murphy waited, watching Bellamy debate getting out of the car before Bellamy sighed and looked at Murphy.

"I changed my mind."

"Mm, I noticed. Where do you wanna go, oh-captain-my-captain?"

"Somewhere I can drink more."

Murphy started the car again, a smile on his face as they pulled away from the curb. Bellamy pulled his phone from his pocket and opened up a message, letting his sister know he wouldn't be home until late. She read the message, but didn't say anything in response. He wanted to sigh and get mad at her, but he still hadn't apologized for what he had said about her studying abroad. He really didn't mind her studying abroad, it was the whole not being able to take care of her part that was really throwing him off. Bellamy and Lincoln had had their differences before, and while Octavia said that Lincoln didn't hold it against him anymore, sometimes Bellamy still cringed at the thought of that guy being anything more than a boyfriend in Octavia's life because he'd have to live with what he said to him.

But for now, Bellamy wanted to get drunk, even more than he already was. Murphy took a turn down the familiar streets Bellamy used to call home, Bellamy realizing they were going to the gang bar. Still, he didn't say anything. He just wanted to drink. Besides, the drinks were free there, so if he had to deal with some loud chatter from Murphy and the rest of them, he guessed he wouldn't mind it for a while.

* * *

Hangovers were such a fucking bitch, Bellamy thought, as he laid his head down on the counter the next day after taking a generous dose of ibuprofen for his headache. He had been out pretty late, and by pretty late, he meant he didn't end up home until four in the morning. Octavia made sure to grill him on that when she woke up at seven to get ready for classes. Bellamy groaned softly, hoping he didn't bother any of the other customers in the store, but also not caring because, holy fuck, his head felt like a million elephants had trampled all over it.

Bellamy heard the bell at the door jingle as another person walked in, and he willed himself to welcome them over his distaste for how annoyingly loud the door was. The customer greeted him back, the familiar voice making him look up at the scrawny kid that had come in last time. Jason, or something like that. Bellamy didn't want to think about it for too long. His head was already starting to hurt again just from looking up for too long.

"Long night?" Bellamy heard a voice say from above him, and he stood up quickly, head spinning before he could focus on the face of the person in front of him. Blonde haired, fair skinned, and green eyes, Clarke stood with an odd smile on her face. He hadn't seen her since the first time they hooked up, long before she had ever dated Finn, and even before he heard the rumor she had eyes for Lexa.

"Murphy." Bellamy said. Clarke nodded in understanding. She had had plenty of run-ins with the hotheaded short-tempered Murphy in her friendship with Bellamy, if they were so inclined to call it a friendship. 

"Just these." Clarke said, setting a pile of books down on the counter. Bellamy started ringing her up, bidding his eyes to focus long enough on the barcodes in front of him. Truth be told, he almost felt like he was still a little drunk more than he was hungover. Bellamy tossed her books in a bag, sliding them across the counter as she paid. He groaned when he had to make change for her, making Clarke laugh shamelessly at his pain.

"Need help?" Bellamy heard from beside him, realizing that the lanky kid was standing there.

"No." Bellamy snapped, finally pulling the change out of the register and handing it over to Clarke. She smiled at Bellamy before she looked to her right and found herself staring at Jasper.

"Jasper?" She asked. "From my psych class, right?"

"Oh, yeah." Jasper said, feigning interest in her. "That's me."

"Clarke." She said, reaching her hand out. "I see you in there all the time with, uh, Monty? I think?"

"That's him." Jasper said, cringing when he realized he had said the same thing just a second earlier. "Yeah, that's me. Jasper. That's... me."

"See you around." She smiled, walking out of the door with her books in tow. Bellamy managed a smug smile as he laughed, and Jasper looked at him.

"What?"

"Smooth." Bellamy said. Jasper flushed in embarrassment, stumbling over his words. "It's cool. Everyone has a crush on Clarke."

"I have a girlfriend." Jasper said. "I don't have a crush on Clarke." Bellamy waited, looking into Jasper's eyes with a growing smile on his face.

" _Everyone_ has a crush on Clarke." Bellamy repeated. "Now, leave me alone."

"What's the matter?"

"Do you mind?" Bellamy snapped, but Jasper wasn't fazed by his harsh tone. "I'm hungover, all right?"

"Ah. You know what's really good for hangovers?" Jasper said, but he didn't wait for Bellamy to reject him. "Banana smoothies."

"There's no way in heaven or hell I'm using a blender right now. Listening to you talk right now is killing me."

"Well, it works." Jasper said. "Anyway, I just wanted to say the book was really good. I finished it again last night. Any, uh, recommendations on what to read next?"

Bellamy groaned, resting his head on the counter and letting out a long, heavy breath. " _The Catcher in the Rye_. Please, leave me alone."

"Oh, c'mon, who hasn't read that book?" Jasper said. "I don't wanna read about killing the phonies. Another one."

"Ever read a play?" Bellamy said. Jasper said no. " _Death of a Salesman._ Third case. Fifth shelf. Miller. Please, go away."

Jasper ran to the shelf, pulling it out easily and settling in his spot in the corner of the shop, like he usually did. Bellamy looked up at the his clock, though he wasn't sure why. That lanky kid came in every day at the same time, meaning it was only around 5:00 pm. Three more hours.  _Oh god,_ Bellamy thought as he forced himself to hold back a burp, his throat burning with acidity. After talking to that kid, he realized, he had a sudden craving for bananas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a thing now. let me know if you find typos or just awkward things, i tried my best to edit this :D


	2. Jasper and the Cool Kids

As unfriendly as Bellamy tried to come off every time he noticed the lanky kid walking into the store, he never seemed to sway from his usually chipper attitude. Sure, sometimes he didn't have much to say to Bellamy, but he still smiled when he walked in, waved whenever Bellamy looked at him, and smiled when he left as well. So all in all, this kid was overly happy for Bellamy's tastes.

Bellamy leaned on his arm when he noticed Octavia bringing boxes out from the back, pulling out brand new books for the display case in the front of the store. The latest hit book was finally in. Bellamy mentally wanted to die, because all of the really irritating people came in once there was another hit book. He didn't even want to think about the amount of people that came in to buy Fifty Shades of Grey when it was released. Octavia always said it was gross because older women read it, which Bellamy didn't mind so much. He hated the book because everyone acted like it was the kinkiest thing to _ever_ exist on planet Earth, when Bellamy had seen late night films with dirtier things on it. C'mon now.

Jasper shot up on his feet, studying the new book and flipping the pages open, already he was reading the first page, and Octavia took the book out of his hands, a slight sneer on her face.

"Wanna read it, then pay up." She said. Bellamy took the book from her hands, giving it to Jasper again.

"Is that how you treat the customers when I'm not here?" Bellamy said. Octavia rolled her eyes.

"All he does is sit there and read for free. Don't we sell books to make money? Isn't that why we still have the store?"

"We still have the store because mom wanted us to have it." Bellamy said. "If you're so worried about money, get another job."

"I just... wanted to see the book." Jasper said softly, setting it down and running back to his safe corner of the shop. He was just about to finish  _Death of a Salesman_ anyways. He was enjoying the way the play was written, the style of writing, and most importantly, the story of it all. Bellamy was right to suggest it. Jasper popped his earbuds in, sitting back and flipping through the play to the page he was at. Octavia finished setting down the books and left for the back room again. Jasper stood up, running to the counter and setting down some money.

"I'm sorry. I know all I do is camp around here and read for free. I don't mean to do that."

"Listen, I don't have a problem with it." Bellamy said. "My sister does, but she's not on the clock when you're here, so she can't order you around." Bellamy shrugged, looking at Jasper as he realized Jasper was really feeling about about staying around without buying anything. "Dude, seriously. Sit back down. It's fine."

"Well, I want to buy this one anyways." Jasper said, bringing up  _Death of a Salesman_. "Take my money."

"Ugh." Bellamy said, but rang him up nevertheless. "There. Now, go away. Read."

"You tell me to go away a lot." Jasper said.

"Because you're in my way a lot." Bellamy said. "Now, would you leave me alone? I've gotta restock these books before Octavia tears me a new one for letting you get away with reading in there."

"I'm sorry." Jasper said, but smiled when he sat back down to read. The play was practically over, but he wanted to keep reading it over and over. "Wait, Bellamy." Jasper called out. Bellamy felt a chill slightly run up his spine when he heard Jasper call his name, but he brushed it off as he directed his attention over to Jasper on the ground. "What's another good book, or play?"

" _The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time._ " Bellamy answered easily. "Second case, second shelf, Haddon."

"You're the best."

* * *

Heavy breaths escaped Bellamy's chest as he sat up with a whimper, eyes meeting the bright TV screen in front of him as The Twilight Zone still played. He didn't remember falling asleep, eyes trailing to the clock on the wall and sighing when he realized it was early, and he was being loud. Bellamy glanced at Octavia's door where the lights were still off, so he thanked whoever for not waking her up on accident. Bellamy wiped his brow with another heavy breath. The image of his mother's face was burned into his mind as he blinked over and over, willing it to go away. After a moment, he let out a sigh of resignation and looked to the TV again. He had already seen this episode. He had seen _all_ of the episodes after sleepless nights.

Even with the show playing in front of him, Bellamy just couldn't seem to focus on the screen. He was tired. He knew he was, but watching the show made him even more tired, and falling asleep was too much of a nightmare to even consider at the moment. Octavia's door opened, and Bellamy spotted her walking down the hall, hair strewn across her shoulders and messy as she waved at him.

"Can't sleep again?" She said. Bellamy nodded. "Yeah. Do you need anything?"

"Not really." Bellamy said, but he could sense the hint of hesitation in her voice, the way she didn't _really_ mean what she was saying. She was still upset about how Bellamy reacted to the studying abroad issue, and he felt a little bad about it too. She was only thinking about it, and besides that, it wasn't fair of him to want her to stay home for the rest of her life. Even though their mother had wanted them to keep the store open, Bellamy knew their mother would want them following their dreams more than anything else. Bellamy was comfortable and secure staying in the store, but Octavia had always been one to take risks and chances.

"Hey, O." Bellamy called. Octavia peeked her head around the corner, holding a cup of water and a bag of snacks. "I'm, uh, sorry about what I said the other day."

"Hm?" She raised a brow. "About what?"

"The studying abroad thing." Bellamy sighed and rubbed his eyes. "If you really want to do that, I can't stop you. I'll help pay for whatever you need. You're my sister."

Octavia's face brightened, but she didn't say anything, just retreating back to her bedroom and leaving Bellamy to relax on the couch again. His eyes were starting to feel tired, eyelids heavy as he yawned again and tried to focus on the TV show in front of him, but with no luck. His eyes crossed after a second, fading in and out of consciousness before he finally decided to lay back down. His hair was still slicked with sweat, and his shirt was sticking to his chest. Bellamy tugged it off over his head, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket as he pulled it out and forced himself to focus on the words.

> Raven: seen murphy lately? looking 4 shipment info. let me know.

Bellamy furrowed his brows, letting out a loud sigh and falling back onto the couch. She knew he read the message, but he didn't want to say anything about it. Raven. He hadn't spoken to her in a while.

> Bellamy: A year without talking and that's all you have to say to me?
> 
> Raven: dont dodge, please answer my question or leave me alone.
> 
> Bellamy: You haven't said anything to me since mom died.
> 
> Raven: i dont want 2 talk about that.
> 
> Bellamy: I didn't ask you to talk about my mom's death. I mean you haven't talked to me since.
> 
> Raven: U know why.
> 
> Bellamy: Okay. Well, I haven't seen Murph around. Maybe he's on the other side of town again.
> 
> Raven: damn. Ok. thanks.

He almost felt defeated. All that effort into trying to start a conversation with Raven, and nothing. Of course, she hadn't spoken to him since his mother died, and he knew exactly why. After she was kicked out of Finn's home for being a part of the gang, she ended up floating from home to home before she finally ended up in Bellamy's. By the time they ended up living together, it was strictly platonic- unlike when they were in the gang together- and they avoided each other most of the time, but she had been attached to Bellamy's mother as if she were her own. When Bellamy's mother died, Raven left again, and Bellamy really hadn't spoken to her since. He knew she blamed him for her death, but he never thought she would just stop speaking to him. Not after she was the one that convinced him to leave the gang in the first place.

Bellamy dropped his phone on the floor, accepting the irrefutable fact that Raven would never forgive him, at least for now. He was too tired to care, and laid down for sleep while he was still tired. He said a prayer to whoever was listening, hoping that he wouldn't have the nightmares again.

* * *

The weather had taken a turn for the cooler, catching everybody off guard as they pulled out sweaters and scarves for the windy weather. Jasper was no different; he had a dark scarf wrapped around his neck, the material bunching at his mouth and covering the lower part of his face. He shivered as another particularly sharp wind blew past him. He had missed the bus, and had to walk from school to the bookstore. Monty offered to give him a ride there, but he didn't want to be an inconvenience to anybody, and politely declined before rushing down the street.

Thankfully, he had a distraction. Maya was calling as he lifted the phone to his ear with a grin.

"Hey!" He said. Maya laughed from the other line.

"Hi. You sound a little muffled."

"Oh." Jasper said, pulling the scarf away from his face and forcing himself to deal with the cold. "There. Sorry, I had a scarf. Talk about some weird weather, right?"

"Yeah! The trees are blowing leaves all over the yard. Dad's really frustrated with them." Maya coughed, excusing herself for a second before she came back. "Anyway, I'm on a break at work right now. I just wanted to call you and see how you're doing."

"I'm good." Jasper said, acknowledging the warm feeling in his chest that was spreading to his limbs and his fingertips. Maya had that sort of effect on him. The fact that she took time out of her day to call him, even sacrificing her break time just to see how he was, made his heart swell. He smiled, almost embarrassingly wide. He realized he had reached the bookstore, but stood outside in the wind as he started talking to her more. "I missed the bus from school, so I had to walk to the bookstore."

"It's so cold! You should've told me, I could've come out and picked you up."

"I don't mind. Besides, I'm still talking to you now."

Maya giggled from the other line, Jasper smiling at the sound of her laughter when somebody shoved him out of the way. He nearly dropped his phone, holding it as he told Maya to hold on. When he looked up, he barely caught the figure of somebody stepping inside the bookstore. He came back, sighing in annoyance.

"What's the matter?" Maya said in concern.

"Some asshole just pushed me for no reason. Whatever. Anyway, I'm at the bookstore now. Is your break almost over?"

"Yeah, I gotta go." Maya said. "But I'll talk to you later, if that's okay?"

"Yeah." Jasper agreed. "Actually, I was thinking we should go out this weekend. The carnival is in town again. I think that'd be fun."

"Okay." Maya said excitedly before Jasper heard chatter from her end of the phone. "Oops. Gotta go. Love you, bye!" She said. Jasper's cheeks flushed, and before he could object and say it back, Maya had already hung up. She probably didn't even realize she said it until after she hung up, Jasper thought with a smile on his face as he opened the door to the bookstore. 

The innocent jingling of the door completely contrasted with the scene he was greeted with. At the counter stood Bellamy, face to face with a kid no older than Jasper. They both looked suddenly at Jasper's intrusion, while two other kids came up from behind the book cases. They held books in their hands, but had the same intimidating look on their faces as Bellamy and the one in front of him. Jasper shied away, but Bellamy put his hand up and crooked his finger, bidding him to come inside.

"C'mon, Murphy. There's a customer in here." Bellamy said. Though the statement sounded desperate, his tone was intimidating, fierce. 

"He can leave." Jasper watched as the person in front of Bellamy lifted his hand up, light shining off of it before Jasper registered he was holding a knife in his hand.

"Yeah, I can leave." Jasper said incredulously, stepping back, but Bellamy beckoned him forward again. "Er, I-"

"Jasper stays." Bellamy said again. "You leave now."

"You owe me."

"I told you I'm not involved in that shit anymore." Bellamy stepped out from behind the counter, the other man's hand lifting up, but Bellamy was already two steps ahead of him. Bellamy darted for the other's wrist, smacking it against a bookcase behind him as the knife fell out of his hands. Bellamy kept his hands pinned to the bookcase. "Pick it up, Jasper." Bellamy ordered. Jasper trembled, snatching it up off of the floor and holding it with shaky fingers. "Get out of here. Take Miller, take Atom, and get out."

"You're soft. I even did you a favor the other night by taking you back to our bar." Murphy, or Jasper assumed his name was Murphy, said with a sharp tongue. "Don't worry, we'll be taking our books with us." Bellamy shoved Murphy into the bookcase, a gasp leaving Jasper's lips when he saw Murphy's head hit the wooden bookcase behind him. Murphy almost slid down to the ground, barely managing to keep himself up as his knees trembled. Murphy nodded at the other two, Miller and Atom, and they started towards the door. Murphy turned around before they walked out, his aggressive gaze meeting Jasper's own fearful one. "You can keep it." He said, leaving without another word. Jasper stared at the knife in his hand, dropping it as he turned his attention to Bellamy, who was staring up at the ceiling and sighing.

"What the hell was what?!" Jasper shouted. A grievous look came onto Bellamy's face as he gestured at Jasper with his hands.

"Listen, thank you for staying inside when I asked you to. He wouldn't have left otherwise. He's a leech." Bellamy ran his fingers through his hair, languidly and lazily while he closed his eyes again. "You're late."

"You... remember the time I come in." Jasper said, sounding a little distant as he felt his face flush a little.

"Eh, sometime around 5-ish." Bellamy said, pointing at the clock which said 5:30. "Late."

"So... what was that whole thing about?" Jasper asked again. The two stopped talking once they noticed Octavia walking downstairs, furrowing her brows as she noticed both of them staring at her.

"What?" She said. Bellamy didn't answer, going back to his spot behind the register and sitting down with a groan. He rested his head against the wall, eyes preoccupied as they darted restlessly between the top part of the ceiling to the furthest part away from him. He hated when people saw him acting that way. He hadn't acted that way in so long. Bellamy was just silently thankful that Octavia hadn't seen him.

"Are you in trouble?" Jasper whispered as Octavia grabbed a box of books from the back, heading back upstairs with it. Bellamy made sure to listen to her retreating footsteps before he sighed.

"Jasper, you're a nice kid. Don't get involved with stuff you don't need to."

Jasper bent over, picking the knife up from the floor and setting it down on the counter. Bellamy stared at it, eyes tracing over the sharp edges as Jasper pushed it back into its place. "I wasn't trying to. You kind of got me involved." Jasper paused. "Is he, like, a delinquent or something?"

"Jesus, he's your age." Bellamy said. "It's just a mess. Go and read your book. Do you need more recommendations or something?"

"No, I just...." Jasper started, but he trailed off when he realized he didn't know  _why_ he cared so much. Sure, he and Bellamy talked sometimes when he came in, usually about the books he was reading, rarely about their lives, but other than that, he knew nothing about the cashier seated in front of him. Jasper studied him, eyes flickering from Bellamy's face to his arms. He had an awful lot of tattoos for somebody so young. Jasper's eyes trailed to Bellamy's lips, where a dark spot sat underneath his bottom lip. "Just curious."

Bellamy exhaled a breath he didn't realize he had been holding in. His chest rose and fell quietly as he moved his gaze from the ceiling to the knife of the counter in front of him. He reached out, fingers tracing over the cool outside cover before he pressed the button, and the knife flicked out of its place again. He shook his head slowly, eyebrows raising as he traced his thumb over the edge of the knife.

"He's just an old friend." Bellamy said, his voice honeyed as he pushed the knife back into its spot, and then holding it out for Jasper. Jasper lifted his hands in front of him, but Bellamy pressed forward. "Don't you want it? He said to keep it."

"If he's your old friend, don't you want to keep it?"

"To be honest, I'd give anything to be able to go back in time and never meet him." Bellamy said, urging again. "I'm not going to keep it. Maybe you'll need it sometime."

Jasper reached out, fingers grazing over Bellamy's own as he savored the cool feeling of the knife against his hand. He opened it again, studying the smooth edge, and then closing it before he stuffed it in his own pocket. Bellamy had lost interest in speaking again, realizing Octavia had come downstairs to talk to him. Bellamy stood up, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans and then cracking his back before he walked over to Octavia and offered to take the box out of her hands. She smiled, handing it over and grabbing another one. Bellamy protested as they moved boxes upstairs, their footsteps retreating in the distance as Jasper sat down in his corner of the store. His book was calling him from his bag, he could feel it telling him to finish it and grab another one before it was too late, but he was focused on the weight of the pocket knife. It was light in his hands, but in his pocket, it felt like an anchor. Slowly, he reached in and pulled it out again, marveling at the smooth finish, the gleam of the light refracting off of it. On the side of it were the initials, "J.M." carved into the handle. Those were the only notches on the knife in his hand.

His phone vibrated from his pocket, bringing him back into the moment as he read a message from Maya.

> Maya: Hope the bookstore is fun! My manager just wanted to talk to me about some stuff. :) Talk to you later!

Jasper debated texting her back, typing out message after message before he deleted them and set his phone down beside him. He didn't feel like reading that day. Instead, Jasper found himself staring at the mountains of books around him, perfectly organized, glancing up when people walked in and smiled, and Bellamy greeted them before going back to his work. Bellamy. He was interested in Bellamy.  _He's just an old friend_ , Jasper repeated in his head, trying to imagine how Bellamy, cashier and book keeper, could ever be friends with somebody like that.

And once Jasper made it home, after his phone rang at 7:55 and he said goodbye to Bellamy, all he could think about was the look on Bellamy's face as he shoved that other kid, Murphy, into the bookcase, the way the books shifted and shook. Jasper fiddled with the pocketknife in his hand, fingers gliding over it again and again until he finally gave in and set it down on the counter. He picked at his brain, willing himself to think about something, anything other than Bellamy, the way he seemingly snarled his words during those few seconds with Murphy. He had never acted that way before. Never.

* * *

Sleep evaded Bellamy even on the best of nights, considering all things, like the stress of normal life, along with his nightmares and his constant anxiety. He didn't even want to think about his lapses of depression until they hit him, and they hit him  _hard_. So Bellamy liked to find ways to distract himself from falling into the familiar slump of sluggishness and lack of motivation. Murphy was one way to keep him on his toes; his former friend and ex-lover always held a grudge against him for leaving the gang when they needed him. Seeing Murphy around reminded Bellamy of who he used to be, and how hard he worked to get to where he was now. Sure, he hadn't moved further away from the gang like he promised he would, but he also rarely saw other people from his own gang. It seemed like Murphy was the only one who ever thought to seek him out.

That was why, on that same night during his encounter with Murphy, Bellamy decided to take a drive out to their former club hangout, where the gang spent their time drinking, smoking, and fucking their lives away together in the same building. Now that he thought about it, it was fucking disgusting, but he knew that would be the only place to find her. She only ever worked late at night to escape the risk of seeing someone from their old gang.

Bellamy kicked a rock as he walked up to the cheap warehouse, spray paint decorating the building all over the place as he felt a wave of nostalgia rush over him like a hurricane of feelings. Wading through the emotions, he pushed the door open, standing in the dark building and marveling at how wore down it really was. When they were partying, they hardly ever noticed it, but now, naked and bare, it was the oldest building Bellamy had ever laid eyes on. Rust decorated even the furthest corners of the metal, the salt eating away at it and chipping away the memories they had made there. The lights were busted and broken, few of them able to illuminate the large room properly. Even the door he pushed on was brittle and frail, practically breaking in half from the force he used.

"Raven." He called out, hearing a loud clanking coming from the far end of the building. He noticed the lights flickering in the far corner, but nobody was standing there. Footsteps echoed throughout the building until, from beside the flickering light, Raven emerged from a long hallway. Grease decorated her cheeks as her chest fell up and down with heavy breaths. She shook her head, glaring at Bellamy as he twirled the toe of his shoe in the dirt.

"What are you doing here?" Raven said, tone full of venom as Bellamy shrugged.

"This place was my home too, y'know."

" _Was_." Raven said. "Until you left."

" _We_ left." Bellamy corrected her.

"I told you we should've left earlier. You left too late." Raven said. "What do you want Bellamy? I'm busy."

"With?"

"....Leave me alone." Raven said, Bellamy feeling a smile creeping onto his face when she reacted the same way she always did.  Raven always claimed to be busy, but most of the time, she just really didn't want to talk to anybody. It never worked on Bellamy after she moved in with him and his family. Even with the dim lighting, he could tell she was blushing in anger. "I meant it when I said I didn't want to talk to you. You're the last person I ever wanted to see."

"Nice to see you too." Bellamy said under his breath, but Raven still heard, throwing him an annoyed sneer as he lifted his hands in front of him. "I can't sleep."

"Good." Raven snapped. Bellamy's expression fell, a disheartened look appearing as the corners of his lips turned slightly downward. Raven crossed her arms in front of her, rolling her eyes and scoffing. "That was a little harsh. Sorry."

"I probably deserved it." Bellamy said.

"You... didn't. I'm just tired."

"When was the last time you slept?" Bellamy asked. Raven thought about it, and Bellamy stifled a laugh. "If you have to think about it, then it's been too long."

"Yeah, well, I don't really have a stable place right now."

"Move back in." Bellamy said. Raven furrowed her brows and shook her head as she feigned a smile.

"God, I talk to you for a whole two seconds, and you're already asking me to move back in. Wow, it's almost like nothing ever happened and everything has been fixed. Thank you, Bellamy. You made everything better." Raven said sarcastically. "I can't go back there. Not after what happened. I don't even know how you can work there...."

"Mom wanted me to." Bellamy answered easily. "Mom wanted  _us_ to stay there. Safely."

"You saw what happened to her." Raven retorted. A pang of guilt hit Bellamy as he nodded, looking down at the ground and nodding. "It's not safe. Not with you."

"I.... Yeah." Bellamy agreed. "Sorry for bothering you. I'm gonna go." Bellamy said. Raven scoffed.

"God, where's the Bellamy I knew? That Bellamy would have yelled at me for saying something like that.  _That_ Bellamy would have convinced me to stay with him in his house, and he would've done more. That Bellamy cared more. Where did he go?"

"Dunno." Bellamy said. "Maybe he died with mom."

"That's not funny." Raven chided him.

"Have a good night, Raven." Bellamy said, walking out the same way he did, retracing his steps and thinking about the home he just left. He remembered that anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach when he left the first time, officially declaring himself as out of the gang. He remembered hearing music still bumping loudly behind him as Murphy shouted after him, throwing beer bottles at his feet. He went home reeking of alcohol, sweat, and dirt that night. He fell against the front door until his mother came out to see what made such a loud noise, pulled him in, and he sobbed into her shoulder for the first time in three years. Sometimes, Bellamy wished his nightmares would turn into memories of that night. While he had to deal with the anxiety of leaving the gang that night, he was able to experience love for the first time in years that night.

* * *

Monty listened to Jasper ranting and raving, his eyes feeling heavy from lack of sleep. Jasper had been fiddling with the knife in his hand all night, rolling it over his fingers and then over his palm before moving it to his other hand. Monty eyes followed intently, the movement hypnotic and mesmerizing before he realized Jasper was still speaking, still talking about whatever it was he found so interesting about the knife.

"And then, he smacked his arm against the bookcase, and it fell to the ground. Do you think he's done things like that before?" Jasper said. Monty shrugged, but it didn't seem like Jasper actually wanted an answer from him. He kept rambling on about this person in a store, what happened that day, but Monty just  _wasn't_ interested. He leaned his head in his hands and took a breath before he interrupted Jasper for the first time in the past hour.

"If he's so interesting, why don't you try being his friend?" Monty said. Jasper stopped after a moment, biting down on his bottom lip and furrowing his brows. A thought ran through his head, but it didn't seem like Bellamy was even the slightest interested in being Jasper's friend. He was irritated enough with having to talk to him as it was. Asking Bellamy to be his friend almost sounded impossible.

"Hm," was all Jasper managed to spit out between his thoughts. Monty closed his eyes, a snore falling past his lips before he scared himself awake and sat up straight, grumbling softly. "You're tired?"

"I haven't slept. Physics homework is killing me."

"Well, why didn't you tell me?" Jasper said. "I would've let you go to bed."

"I like listening to you." Monty yawned, his eyes fluttering closed again before he stood up and rubbed his eyes. "Now I _am_ going to bed. Good night, Jas. Be careful with that thing you have." Monty said before he headed to his room, closing the door behind him. Jasper sat on the couch, still studying the knife in his hands and curiously debating whether or not he should continue bothering Bellamy about it. Of course, asking meant appeasing his own interest, but it  _also_ meant irritating Bellamy more than he already had whenever he walked in and simply sat in the corner to read for free. But not asking about it meant he would never have a chance to learn about what had happened, or about Bellamy.

Truth be told, before he ended up with Maya, he went into the store just because of Octavia; he had seen her working one weekend and tried to catch her interest, but she was busy staring at her phone that day. He remembered she smiled and laughed sometimes at her phone, excitedly typing, and he wondered who it was she was talking to that could make her so happy. He gave up on Octavia, but since then, took an interest in Bellamy instead. He was quiet, stern, serious beyond belief. He joked sometimes, but most of the time it was ridiculously dry humor that he said without even smiling. Jasper had actually talked to him a few times before they were officially introduced, but he was sure Bellamy didn't remember since it was the same mindless chatter he went through every day.

In the end, Jasper resolved to leave it alone, for now at least. He didn't want to bother Bellamy, especially since he looked so ticked after the entire incident. Not knowing about it for a while was fine, but Jasper made a silent vow; one day, he would know about Bellamy Blake. He knew he would. He finally dropped the knife on the side table beside the couch, tracing Monty's footsteps to his own room. He'd have to catch some sleep now in preparation for his classes the next day, where he would have to sit and study and pretend he wasn't utterly fascinated with the cashier at Blake's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you find any typos! i keep mixing up Bellamy's and Jasper's names in the story, so i keep finding sentences like, "Bellamy said to Bellamy" and im like wAIT so if you find anything like that i'd be super appreciative. thanks~


	3. Ephemeral

Jasper wasn't always as hyper observant as he was lately. He only recently started noticing things people did, ticks and habits. Maya had a tendency to look to her left when she was lying, and sometimes, when he could tell she was anxious, she picked underneath her fingernails. She had little habits here and there, things she did that made her  _her_. Still, he couldn't help but feel annoyed whenever he saw her looking away and to the left while they were talking, especially when she did it after he asked her about how she was feeling health wise.

Jasper wondered if that sort of vigilance came from his encounter with Murphy and Bellamy. After all, Bellamy seemed like a simple kind of guy, wanting to go about his life as quietly as possible, but he disproved that theory when Jasper walked in on him and Murphy practically tearing each other apart in the lobby of the bookstore. He had to admit that one shock like that was enough to make him realize not everything was as it seemed, and there was more to people than face value.

"You're lying." Jasper said blatantly, regretting the harsh tone he took, but she knew that he wasn't going to believe her so easily. He interrupted her in mid-sentence, something that he never did. Maya shook her head hesitantly, narrowing her eyes so she could escape Jasper's judgmental gaze.

"Really, I'm fine."

"You have another rash." Jasper pointed out, again, immediately regretting how he said that to her. He didn't mean to take such a brash tone with her, but then again, he just wanted to know the truth. Maya pulled her sleeve down to conceal the faded red, bumpy rash on her arm, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Jasper placed his hand on her wrist. "Don't. I didn't mean it that way. I just.... Don't you trust me?" He asked. Maya's expression fell, offended at his insinuation.

"Of course I do."

"I mean, it's fine if you don't wanna tell me." Jasper retracted his comment, realizing he had been pushy in asking her. "I know you trust me. Whenever you want to tell me stuff is fine." He gave her a reassuring smile, pulling his hand away from her wrist so he didn't overstep his boundaries.

Maya nodded slowly, a small smile appearing on her pallid face, then disappearing just as quickly. Jasper had pushed her too far, and it was only the beginning of their date. He had forgone a trip to the bookstore so he could be there with her, but he couldn't help feeling that she was hiding something from him. Whenever he ventured to ask about her life, her personal things at work and home, she dodged his questions and brought up a different topic. Eventually, he gave up being curious about it. Why bother when all he would get was some vague answer and then a question in return? He almost wanted to give up on the date and head home.

The two fell in silence, Jasper's hands darting for the cool metal of the pocketknife in his jacket, fingers fumbling over it as he glanced at Maya. She was busy poking at the food on her plate, having hardly touched it the entire dinner. She mentioned her appetite was escaping her, but said it was just because of her odd eating habits as of late. Jasper had finished his plate of food long ago. Maya looked up at him, rubbing her neck before she sighed.

"I ruined the date, didn't I?" Jasper said, raising a brow as he cringed in acknowledgment. Maya laughed, shaking her head, but then giving him an uneasy smile. He appreciated that she didn't try lying to him about  _that_ too.

"Kind of. I just don't know what it is myself, so... I can't tell you anything until I know. But I'm not worried about it."

"Okay." Jasper said, trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Maya as he nodded. "Yeah, if you're not worried about it, then I'm not worried about it either. I trust your judgment."

"Thanks." Maya smiled timidly. "My dad said he wants me home early tonight. Do you want to take this home?" She gestured towards her food. Jasper shook his head.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"I ate at work. Besides, like I said earlier, I'm just not hungry sometimes. Maybe my brain is trying to send me a message." Maya said, but she looked to the left when she said _that_ , and Jasper had to hold back from calling her out on it again. He didn't want to say something else to make her uncomfortable, forcing himself to swallow his words and smile at her. "I can get a box. If you don't want it, maybe Monty will want it?"

"Y-yeah." Jasper said. "Monty would like that."

Jasper paid for the food, and uneasily asked for a box before he jumped up and tried to help Maya. She stood up on shaky legs, an awful feeling in the pit of Jasper's stomach, bubbling into an anxiety as he clenched his fingers around the box in his hands. Maya wasn't okay. Maya wasn't okay, and there was nothing Jasper could do about it. Sickness washed over his stomach like a tide being pulled by the moon's force. The taste of bile at the bottom of his throat almost sent him into a frenzy, but he forced himself to swallow it down. If Jasper got sick, he'd never get a straight answer out of Maya until he was better. She'd ignore all of her problems if she was taking care of somebody else.

Maya followed Jasper. Her fingers were laced in his own, the warmth of Jasper's body transferring to her freezing fingertips. Jasper loved moments like these with her, quiet, gentle moments where he swore she could hear his heart pounding like a drum in his chest. The thrumming of blood through his veins turned into thuds in his ears, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her in and kiss her until they forgot about all of their problems. Maya leaned in after they walked out of the restaurant, pulling Jasper close and kissing him. Jasper leaned into the kiss just a little more than he normally would, using one hand to caress Maya's cheek and keep her close long enough so he could part her lips and press forward with more force. He savored the feeling of her fingers landing on his shoulders, and the softness of her hips as he rested his hands there. She smiled, leaning back and pulling her keys out of her purse. Jasper's cheeks burned when he realized people had watched them kiss so intensely just a few feet outside of the restaurant, but his heart didn't care.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Maya said sweetly, the tone of her honeyed voice sending chills down his back. He wanted to ask her when she'd be able to come over again, so he could kick Monty out of the house for a few hours and spend some time with her in his bedroom instead, but she was never the kind to talk about it in public, and he knew if he brought it up now, she'd leave faster than he could blink.

"Yeah." Jasper said, watching as she slipped into her car and left him behind on the sidewalk. It was only 5:00. They had barely eaten for an hour. He damned himself for ever bringing up concerns for her health. He should have known better than to push her, especially when he knew she didn't respond well to that kind of thing. Jasper kicked a rock in front of him, zipping up his green jacket and feeling the closed pocketknife bouncing in his pocket. He pulled it out, staring at it again. Why he was so intrigued with that thing, he would never know. Maybe it was because Bellamy gave it to him.

 _Bellamy_. The bookstore. Blake's. He found his feet moving faster than his mind could process it. Blake's was a little over eight blocks away from there, his apartment building only four away. He could drop off the food for Monty, then walk to the store. He wouldn't mind walking all that way, even if all he ended up doing was walking in and walking out. There was something comforting about that store, something safe that made him feel almost more at home than he was in his apartment. The books all around him, each of them full of a different world than the last, made him wonder if that was why he enjoyed being there so much; because, even if only for a few hours, he could sit and be someplace else.

* * *

Bellamy closed his eyes, willing himself not to look at the clock again, because,  _god,_ he felt stupid.

It was 5:16, and he hadn't seen that scrawny kid even walk by the store once.

He could not  _believe_ he was worried about that stupid kid.

Bellamy swallowed thickly, wondering why he was so worried about this scrawny person named Jasper, who bothered him every second in the store. Bellamy should have cared less about him. As a matter of fact, he should have been thankful that he had a day to himself, a day where he didn't have to give some kid book recommendations, or where he didn't have to talk to him about some menial college crap. Every time Bellamy told himself that, though, Murphy's face flashed in front of his eyes, remembering the look on his face when he noticed Bellamy beckoning Jasper into the store, the way he tensed as Jasper's fingers curled around the pocketknife and stuffed it away in his pocket. Murphy acted like the knife meant nothing to him, and maybe it really didn't, but Bellamy's anxiety contorted his fear into paranoia that Murphy had somehow tracked Jasper down and done something terrible to him.

He bit his tongue, remembering the panic in his veins when he begged Jasper to keep the pocketknife he had snatched off of the floor so quickly. Bellamy didn't want to admit to himself that it was the same knife he and Murphy had bought years before, the same knife Murphy had etched his initials into before Bellamy did the same to his own knife. Bellamy didn't want to admit to anybody that his heart dropped as soon as he saw the knife, and that was why Murphy had it pointed at him so easily when Jasper walked him. The truth was that everything-- time, thought, even movement-- seemed to stop when Bellamy spotted Murphy's initials in the handle of that knife. He thought, after that, as long as Jasper had the knife, he could avoid the fact that Murphy seemingly threw it away so easily. If it meant so little to Murphy, Bellamy had to pretend it meant less than nothing to him.

The door opened, bell jingling as Bellamy's eyes shot towards the door. His heart relaxed at the sight of the tall, lanky kid with dark hair and even darker eyes. Jasper smiled, closing the door quickly behind him and pulling his scarf off from over his head.

"Hey!" He said. Bellamy eyed him up and down, finding nothing out of place. Murphy hadn't bothered him, so he pulled his attention away and continued reading something on the computer in front of him. He knew that was petty, pretending that he wasn't waiting for Jasper to walk in at any minute, but then again, Bellamy was a little petty. "Wow, that's all I get? Not even a hello?" He joked.

"Yeah." Bellamy said, bitter because Jasper had taken his time coming into the store. He guessed after what happened with Murphy scared him still; Murphy may have been scared of Bellamy sometimes, but he was strong, and he had people obeying his every order. Trust was something Bellamy had little of, and he didn't have even a drop of trust in Murphy. He mentioned once to Bellamy, before all of this, before Bellamy was practically exiled from the club, that he would still be Bellamy's friend even after he left the club. Words were weak, and Murphy's own were weaker. That's what Bellamy told himself when he asked himself why he was worried about Jasper. It was all because of Murphy, nothing else.

"I had a date." Jasper said, as if reading Bellamy's mind. Bellamy's cheeks burned lightly in embarrassment, ears warm as well as he nodded.

"Good for you." Bellamy barked, hoping he sounded as sarcastic and irritated as he felt, but it came out more sincere than he planned it to.

"She doesn't like reading as much as I do. She likes art more."

"There are art books." Bellamy pointed in the direction of the creative hobbies section. Jasper cocked his head at that sentence, a smirk somehow finding its way onto his face.

"Are you upset that I wasn't here today? You sound a little jealous." Jasper asked. Bellamy's cheeks burned brighter, and he closed his laptop, looking up at Jasper with a frown on his lips, eyebrows furrowed as he growled out his answer.

"Jealous? About what?" Bellamy said.

"I spend most of my time here. Are you jealous that I went out on a date and didn't come here?" Jasper said, but he noticed the serious grimace on Bellamy's face, his upper lip twitching in what appeared to be the beginning of a snarl. He lifted his hands in front of him innocently. "Kidding, kidding, just a joke."

 

"God, you're fucking obnoxious." Bellamy grumbled under his breath, glancing up to make sure Jasper didn't hear him. He didn't really think that, but Jasper knew how to push his buttons until he was a blushing, embarrassed mess. Jasper leaned on the counter, staring at Bellamy until Bellamy finally met his gaze and tried to appear intimidating. "What do you want?"

"You know, Bellamy, you look a little worried." Jasper said, tiptoeing his fingers across the counter and giving Bellamy a faux innocent smile. "And, well, it seems like it's because I didn't come in at my normal time. I know you know what time I come in. So... maybe you should give me your number." Jasper winked at Bellamy, mentally kicking himself for doing such cliche things to try and get Bellamy flustered, but at the same time, enjoying how Bellamy's cheeks went red at his words, and he shook his head, almost protesting when Jasper pulled the pocketknife out of his jacket and set it down on the counter in front of Bellamy. "This is what's bothering you, right?" Jasper's voice went soft as soon as he noticed Bellamy's eyebrows raising. "You're worried he'll do something... right?"

"Are you psychic or something?" Bellamy asked, snatching the knife off of the counter before he traced his fingers over the initials carved on the handle of the blade. "You should get rid of this. Drop it somewhere, or throw it away. That way he won't be able to...." Bellamy trailed off when he realized he had said too much about it already. Jasper had a triumphant glimmer in his eyes, and Bellamy wanted nothing more than to wipe it off of his face. Not violently, of course, but Jasper pretending he knew everything about Bellamy and Murphy was irritating, and that look on his stupid face didn't make it any better.

"Just an old friend." Jasper echoed Bellamy's words from the day before, and Bellamy threw him a glare, setting the pocketknife down on the counter angrily. He made sure he watched Jasper flinch at his sudden movement, remembering the rush of power he used to get when he did that before. Now it just made him feel guilty. An apology practically worked its way up his throat before he remembered the reason he was pissed off in the first place.

"Keep the stupid fucking thing." Bellamy snarled, voice gravelly and rough as he stood up and walked to the stairs, where he called Octavia down. She appeared in an instant, shooting a suspicious glare over at Jasper. "Could you take over for me? I have to take a minute."

Octavia nodded, wordlessly taking over for Bellamy as he ran upstairs. Jasper listened to each retreating step echo in his head as he regretted his actions for the second time that day. In just a few hours he had alienated himself from his girlfriend, and the person who had welcomed him into the store where he felt most at home. Jasper sighed, rubbing his forehead as he heard Octavia clear her throat. Jasper looked up, meeting her enchanting eyes, but the expression on her face was less than pleasant. He wanted to comment that her face when she was upset was similar to Bellamy's own, the way their lips caught on their teeth in a snarl before he noticed their intense eyes.

"Buy something or get out." She ordered, her tone less than pleasant, but still chill inducing. Jasper nodded, looking around the store for something to read, but lately he only ran on Bellamy's suggestions. He couldn't remember the last time he depended on anybody's recommendations as closely as he did to Bellamy's own. Maybe it was because he and Bellamy had similar tastes in books, or maybe that there was one book Bellamy liked that was so out of Jasper's realm, he loved it. Either way, it seemed like Bellamy knew good books, and so, he trusted him. Jasper grabbed a random book of off the autobiography shelf, not even caring who it was about, and set it down on the counter as Octavia rang him up. Jasper hoped she would take her time so Bellamy would come back down after a moment to cool down, but she had his book bagged and receipt printed before he could blink. He hesitated in picking up his bag, but Octavia made sure to make herself clear when she picked it up and shoved it into his chest instead. Jasper held it against his body as he walked out of the store, looking right, then left, then right again. The day was almost over. He might as well walk home.

A minute later, Bellamy came bounding down the stairs, turning his attention to Octavia and nodding.

"Thanks for that."

"What'd he do?" Octavia asked, but Bellamy didn't answer her question. Instead, he found himself preoccupied with the feint sound of the door ringing, realizing that the store was empty, and Jasper was nowhere in sight. He let out a scoff.

"Did he buy something?" He said, Octavia nodding. "And he just left?" Again, she nodded. "I'm gonna be right back."

"You're gonna go find him!?" Octavia shouted after him. "After all that?!"

Bellamy hardly paid her any mind, walking out of the store and turning to his left first and finding a few groups of people, but not Jasper. Then to his right, where Jasper was crossing the street, eyes focused on the book in his hands. His eyebrows were turned down in frustration, his eyes seemingly searching for something on the pages before him. Bellamy walked after him, just a ways away from him when he noticed a car driving towards him. Bellamy called out Jasper's name, but Jasper had his earbuds in, the black wire swinging back and forth in front of his chest.

Without even a second of hesitation, Bellamy sprinted towards Jasper, cutting through the street and roughly shoving Jasper just barely out of the way of the inbound truck. The driver didn't even bother to stop as Jasper and Bellamy fell in a heap on the opposite sidewalk. Jasper hissed through his teeth, book bent underneath their bodies as Bellamy managed to untangle his limbs from Jasper's own long ones. Jasper rubbed his arm, having smacked it against the hard concrete when he noticed the intense look Bellamy was giving him. He lifted his hands defensively in front of him, ready to push Bellamy away if Bellamy was going to hit him or hurt him for talking about Murphy. Then Bellamy's eyes softened, a hint of distress in his expression. 

"You weren't even paying attention!" Bellamy shouted, and Jasper simply blinked in response to his yelling. His hands immediately fell to his sides, watching as a flurry of emotions ran across Bellamy's face within a few seconds. "You were gonna get hit by a car, and you weren't even paying attention! What the hell is wrong with you?" A group had formed near them, pointing and whispering as Jasper stuttered in shock. His heart felt like it had slowed to a stop in his chest, everything slow around him. A car had almost hit him? He didn't even remember seeing a car, just... the book, and then Bellamy, and now all he could see was Bellamy's face.

"I... I didn't...."

"You didn't, what?" Bellamy huffed again, anger rushing through his veins like a flood. "You know, you might be obliviously cute, but you're not stupid! Don't act like it!" Bellamy finished yelling at him, voice feeling hoarse as the other people on the sidewalk came up, quietly asking if they were both all right. Bellamy took a second to process exactly what he had said, noticing the obvious blush on Jasper's face. Bellamy felt a pulsing pain in his thigh, having slammed against the sidewalk harder than he had expected too, but he supposed it was worth it as long as he managed to get Jasper out of the way. Jasper averted his gaze, covering his mouth with his hands and stifling a groan as he sat himself up. His legs were scratched and torn up from skidding across the sidewalk, but it looked like Bellamy got the worst of it. His arm was cut, blood streaming down his elbow and dripping onto the sidewalk. 

_Oh god._

Bellamy realized he called Jasper cute.

He _actually_ called this kid cute in his anger. Bellamy huffed through his nose, standing up on his shaky legs and wiping off the dark marks from the road and the sidewalk. After a moment of hesitation, Bellamy reached his hand out and offered it to Jasper, who eagerly took it and stood up. He leaned unexpectedly to his right, but Bellamy caught him by his waist, holding him in place before he apologized. Of course, the one day Jasper wore torn up jeans, he skidded across the road and sidewalk. Bellamy looked worse than he did, though. He was just thankful neither of them had hit their heads on the sidewalk. Jasper's knees were bleeding, staining his blue jeans with dark brown marks. Jasper was still dumbfounded, all words and thoughts escaping his brain, and it seemed like the one thing he could focus on was that sickeningly sweet word that left Bellamy in his haze of anger. His cheeks burned, scarlet red blush settled on the apples of his cheeks.

 _Cute_.

"You're bleeding." Bellamy interrupted, picking up the book off of the ground along with Jasper's bag and iPod. He looked at the book, sneering at the cover. " _Really_?"

"You weren't there to recommend something." Jasper quipped. Bellamy pointed a warning finger at him. "Sorry... about pushing you on the whole friend thing." Jasper said. Bellamy furrowed his brows, gesturing towards the cuts on Jasper's legs.

"I think the cuts on your legs are more important than John Murphy. Now shut up. You're bleeding. Let's go, c'mon." He said after grabbing Jasper's hand firmly, dragging him to the other side of the road, back to the store, where he shoved the door open. Octavia's eyes went wide as Bellamy pulled Jasper upstairs, letting out a scoff of disbelief before she gave up on asking. She was focused on the cut on Bellamy's arm that was slick with blood, but it seemed like Bellamy hardly even noticed it.

Bellamy grabbed a first aid kit from a small closet in their hallway once they reached the upstairs level of the store. Bellamy pointed at the couch, telling Jasper to sit down. Jasper slowly pushed an unfolded blanket out from underneath him, not wanting to get blood on it when Bellamy returned with a clear bottle in his hand. Bellamy fell to his knees, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through his knee as soon as he did so. He was more concerned with the open wounds on Jasper's legs, dabbing alcohol onto a few cotton balls. Jasper pushed his jeans up as far as they would go, smearing the blood that ran down his legs onto the denim. Bellamy clicked his tongue in disapproval.

"Cold water and soap gets blood out before it sets." Bellamy said. "Wash it when you get home. Sit still, I can't clean this if you keep jerking your leg away from me like that." Bellamy ordered, Jasper twitching whenever he felt Bellamy's fingers touch his tender, scraped skin. His knees stung from the alcohol running into the wounds and cleaning it out. Bellamy huffed loudly, moving one hand to grip Jasper's leg tightly and hold it in place before he finished cleaning up the last of his cuts.

"Th... thank you." Jasper squeaked. Bellamy looked up at him for the first time since he pushed him out of the way of the car. Their eyes met, Bellamy trying to hide how embarrassed he was. He never meant to call Jasper cute-- at least, not in that kind of situation, anyway. Bellamy regretted ever opening his mouth afterwards. He should have just pulled Jasper upstairs and cleaned him up without lecturing him. The last thing he wanted was Jasper to know he thought he was cute. Besides his aesthetic attraction, Bellamy really had no interest in Jasper  _that way_ , he told himself. He didn't like Jasper more than any other store owner would like some kid that frequented their store.

"For what?" Bellamy said, his tone neutral and indifferent.

"For saving me." Jasper clarified. Bellamy looked appalled, frowning obviously and squinting his eyes at Jasper.

"Don't thank me for that." Bellamy said. "Who _wouldn't_ save someone from that?"  _Do you think I'm a monster?_ Bellamy almost said, but cut himself short.

"Then thank you for calling me cute." Jasper hummed, and Bellamy blushed brightly, his words coming out as stutters and nervous noises before he finally gave in and sighed, putting a bandage on Jasper's knees. Then he stood up, throwing everything in the garbage and walking back to the kitchen counter. Jasper took advantage of the moment to look around, eyes tracing over everything in the small apartment located just above the store. He focused on the hallway that led to a room and bathroom. Octavia lived up here with Bellamy, Jasper knew that, but there was only one room, from what Jasper could tell. His eyes trailed over to the pillows and the blanket strewn lazily across the couch, and then to the small kitchen. "This is where you guys live, right?"

"Yeah." Bellamy mumbled, walking back up to Jasper and handing him a piece of paper. The edges were torn, like Bellamy had taken the corner of a page and written something down on it. Bellamy's name was written in perfect cursive, and underneath it was a series of numbers. Jasper read it over a few times before he gave Bellamy a curious frown. Bellamy forced himself to look anywhere else but at Jasper. "If you ever need a ride or something... y'know. Yeah." Bellamy said, and Jasper stood up, a permanent grin on his face as they started back down the stairs. Bellamy walked Jasper to the door, still not brave enough to steal another look at Jasper.

"See you tomorrow." Jasper said. Bellamy nodded, waiting until Jasper was out of the shop to let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Octavia threw her arms up in the air as he ran his fingers through his hair and replayed what just happened in the past ten minutes over and over in his head. He didn't regret running outside, or seeing the car before it was too late. He didn't regret pushing Jasper out of the way, even if it meant he was kind of busted up. He didn't mind the scratches from the pavement on his hands and the cut on his arm. He didn't regret any of it. Bellamy didn't even regret the split second where his mouth worked faster than his brain did, and he angrily called Jasper cute. 

"What the hell just happened?!" Octavia shouted. Bellamy didn't have a solid answer, so he said nothing.

* * *

And again, after coming home, all Jasper could talk about was Bellamy Blake, and his near death experience outside of the store. Monty still didn't mind though, opting to listen to Jasper talk about this strange person over focusing on his homework. He'd spent a ridiculous amount of time on it already anyway; he would just have to forego the assignment and figure it out with somebody, or work on it when he cared more. He was tired of it already, and besides that, Jasper was his best friend. Listening to him took priority over a stupid piece of paper any day.

"I swear, it was so weird! He came out of nowhere, and I totally fucked up my knees, but he was still _right_ there." Jasper rambled on, taking a few bites of a sandwich he had made as he sat down on the couch and crossed his legs underneath him. Monty watched curiously as Jasper's expression sweetened, his voice honeyed and soft as his cheeks flushed. "He called me cute."

Monty stifled a laugh at the way Jasper's voice seemed to keen with his words. Jasper had a tendency to enjoy any and all attention people gave him, which was why Monty thought he and Maya were so perfect together; Maya had tons of attention and praise to give to Jasper whenever he needed it like the little puppy that he was. When they were younger, Jasper liked attention so much that he did stupid things sometimes to get it. Monty was thankful he had grown out of that and found other ways to get it from people. Hearing Jasper talk about this stranger in awe and admiration was adorable, Monty thought, considering Jasper would probably forget about and move on from it within a few days.

"Well... I'm really glad you're okay, Jasper." Monty said. "With the whole car thing and all, you had me worried at first."

"Yeah!" Jasper grinned, completely forgetting about the pulsing pain in his legs. It had settled there for the night, and he figured he'd be sore in the morning. "My knees are sorta bruised, but big deal, y'know? Oh, I have a date with Maya tomorrow, so I won't be home for gaming. Sorry, man."

" _All day_?" Monty asked, eyebrows raising in exasperation. Jasper nodded excitedly. "Well, all right. I'll have to find something to do...." Monty trailed off before he shrugged. "Maybe I'll invite Zoe over. She always liked gaming with me anyways."

"Monroe?" Jasper clarified.

"Yeah, well, her first name is Zoe." Monty said, almost sarcastically. He didn't know where along the line from high school to college Jasper and the others picked up the habit of calling people by their last name, but it stuck. Monty was just thankful he didn't have to be called, "Green," instead of his first name, which he liked. "I guess I could invite Lexa over for games. She's a little too intimidating.... Whatever. Have a good time out, though!"

Jasper smiled, shoving the last bit of bread and lunch meat into his mouth as he struggled to chew, swallowing it all down at once. He didn't even want to look at his homework. He was still so focused on what had happened earlier. Everything had so quickly that he didn't even have a proper chance to process it until he was talking to Monty. The fact that he could've been hit by a car, or _killed_ by a car, completely escaped him until that moment. Jasper darted for his phone. He should at least tell Maya about what happened.

> Jasper: I almost got hit by a car today!
> 
> Maya: Whoa, what?! Are you okay?!
> 
> Jasper: Some scratches on my knees, but otherwise, I'm golden :D
> 
> Maya: What happened?
> 
> Jasper: I was walking across the street...
> 
> Jasper: while reading....
> 
> Jasper: ....without looking both ways....

Jasper watched as the read notification came up, but no response came after that. Instead, his phone started ringing, the phone falling out of his hands as he gasped. He quickly picked it up, Maya shouting at him as he answered with a few stuttered words.

"You what?!" She scolded, obviously scared by what Jasper had said. "Jasper, that's really dangerous! I mean, I get you like reading, but you were walking. What were you thinking?" Her voice came in chiding and worried tones. He almost felt like he was being lectured by his mother, but her worry wasn't misplaced. He knew what had happened was serious, and he did know he should have been paying attention. That still didn't change how grating her voice was while she yelled at him, though.

"I... kind of _wasn't_ thinking." Jasper admitted. "I remember opening the book and looking at the words, but I wasn't really reading them. I was just kind of looking at it. I didn't even hear the car." Jasper decided to forego mentioning the fact that he had his earbuds tucked in, and the volume on his iPod was pretty high. Along with that information, he kept that his mind was really stuck on how he had pissed Bellamy off within a few seconds of being in the store with him. Maya didn't need to know about all of that stuff anyway.

"What happened?" Maya urged Jasper to continue.

"Oh, somebody pushed me out of the way before the car got there. Man, did it hurt. We were both kind of fucked up, but he was really worried about me, so I-"

"Was the other guy okay?" Maya interrupted before apologizing. She never liked to interrupt other people. She was the type to worry over _everybody's_ safety over her own, and even though she was clearly upset by how Jasper handled the situation, she was concerned for his safety, and the safety of the other person in the street with him. Jasper nodded, and then smacked his forehead when he remembered she couldn't see him nod.

"He was fine! I mean, couple spots here and there are bruised. I have this big bruise right on my hip. It's pretty sick." Jasper said. "I didn't think we hit the sidewalk that hard. I should probably check and make sure he's okay."

"I hope he's doing fine." Maya held back a gentle laugh, but she remembered why she called. "Jasper, you have to be more careful. I know you like to read, and that's fine, but you have to pay attention to where you're walking. If that guy hadn't been there, if he hadn't seen you, you could've been seriously injured."

Jasper listened to her lecture him, furrowing his brows after a moment when he realized he had a question about it all: how did Bellamy happen to see the car? Looking outside of the window of the store would never give him that kind of view-- Jasper should know since he sat so close to it every day-- and even if it did, he would have never been able to react in time. He chewed on his lip pensively, hardly catching any of Maya's speech as he focused on his question. Had Bellamy followed him outside? He had his earbuds in, so if Bellamy called after him, he wouldn't have heard. Jasper decided to ask Bellamy about it the next time he went back. He knew that Bellamy didn't work on the weekends, so he would have to wait until Monday to return and bother him. He almost sighed in resignation. 

 _Oh!_ Jasper thought.  _Bellamy gave me his number!_ He had nearly forgotten in the fray of everything, searching through his pockets for the crumpled up piece of paper. When he pulled it out, it was smeared with sweat, the last number looking like either the number 2 or the number 7. He would just have to text both and hope for the best. He would ask after Maya was done lecturing him.

"You're just-" Maya pulled away from the phone, breaking into a coughing fit and choking on her words instead. Jasper pressed the phone closer to his ear, trying to talk to Maya, but she was coughing loudly, throat dry and aching before she finally settled into a few quiet wheezing breaths, then clearing her throat.

"Jesus. Are you okay?" Jasper asked.

"Mmhm, just a little cough. I-I had something stuck in my throat. Anyway, Jasper, I have to go, but you really need to be more careful. Sometimes the way you don't take care of yourself scares me." She said before saying goodbye and hanging up. Jasper furrowed his brows, opening up his messages and starting a new one. Maya was acting like _she_ was okay and everything was fine, even after she fell into fits like the one she just had, but  _he_ was the one scaring her because he didn't "take care of himself". He wasn't dead. That was taking care of himself, he thought, before he started typing out a short message, full of sarcasm and teasing.

> Jasper: Hey! I wanted to say thanks again for the whole car thing, you really did me a favor then... but were you following me? ;) I won't tell if you won't, haha. I just wanted to ask.

Jasper grinned as it sent, the read message immediately popping up, and then the "responding" bubble showing up along with it.

> Unknown: Uhm??? Who are you???
> 
> Jasper: It's me, Jasper!
> 
> Unknown: ...okay.... Let's pretend I know a Jasper.
> 
> Jasper: Ohhhh wait, is this Bellamy?
> 
> Unknown: No, it is not Bellamy. :) Sorry sweetie nice try though

Jasper deleted that message thread before he did anything else embarrassing, and before he could be belittled by the word, "sweetie", anymore. He started another one, changing the last digit to a 7 and hoping it was the right number. This time, though, he asked before he said anything awkward.

> Jasper: Is this Bellamy Blake?
> 
> Unknown: Who's asking?
> 
> Jasper: It's me! :) Jasper!
> 
> Unknown: Oh goddamn it.

Jasper grinned widely, immediately saving the number in his phone under Bellamy's name with a few random emojis tossed in. He returned to the messages, finding a few new ones from Bellamy.

> Bellamy: What do you want?
> 
> Bellamy: Didn't you bother me enough today?
> 
> Jasper: I mean, I did, but I had a question. Since you don't work weekends, I would have to wait until Monday, but now I can bother you whenever I want :D
> 
> Bellamy: I said to use that number when you needed a ride or something.
> 
> Jasper: This counts as an "or something". I had to ask... how were you able to get to me in time, y'know, before the car?
> 
> Bellamy: Oh. I was
> 
> Jasper: You were...???
> 
> Bellamy: Calm down, I was coming out to apologize for snapping at you. I didn't mean to get so angry but there's a lot you don't understand about what was happening the other day. So... I just got frustrated. I went outside to find you and apologize. You happy?
> 
> Jasper: Yes :)
> 
> Bellamy: Leave me alone now.
> 
> Jasper: Aww, why!! We were just starting to get to know each other! Let's be buddies :D
> 
> Bellamy: Lose my number.
> 
> Jasper: Rude!!!
> 
> Jasper: Hey!!!
> 
> Jasper: I can see you're reading my messages!!!

Jasper watched as each message went read, but there wasn't a response, not a single one to what he was saying, so he gave up, deciding that when Bellamy didn't want to talk, he didn't want to talk. So Jasper set his phone down on the couch, lying back and wincing when he stretched his knees just a little too much after what had happened. He hadn't come home and soaked his jeans in cold water and soap to lift the blood, like Bellamy had told him to. He didn't mind so much, though. Gave his pants character.

* * *

_The smell of smoke and ashes filled the air as Bellamy ran downstairs, barely able to see through the flames licking at the pages of books in front of him. Through the flames that spread quickly around their small shop, he spotted Murphy's grinning face, a box of matches and a can of gas in his hands as he walked away. All at once, he had disappeared as quickly as he was there, and Bellamy was alone again in the blazing shop. He could feel sweat running down the sides of his face, trying his hardest to ball up his shirt so the air filtered through it. After a particularly harsh crackle of fire, one of the wooden pillars came down. Bellamy looked up. The hallway above them was about to collapse._

_Octavia._

_A surge of anxiety rushed over him as he realized he hadn't found his sister, and his mother was nowhere in sight. The sound of fire and wood crackling was almost too loud, almost so deafening, he hardly heard Octavia crying behind the register. Bellamy rushed forward, turning the corner as Octavia held her mother in her arms, bottom lip trembling and quivering as she sobbed. She ran her fingers through her mother's hair, pushing it away from her face and crying harder when she saw the marks around her neck; a clear set of hand prints around her throat made Bellamy nauseous, barely able to keep down the dinner his mother had just made for them a few hours earlier._

_That wasn't his mother._

_It couldn't be his mother._

_Octavia cried harder, looking up at Bellamy and shaking her mother in her arms._

_"Bell.... Bell, she's, she's-" Octavia shrieked as another pillar of wood came crashing down upon the bookcases. Bellamy snatched up Octavia from the floor, adrenaline running through his veins as he carried her through a clear pathway to the front of the store. The entrance had flames licking at the frame, Bellamy desperately trying to figure out how to find a way out before Octavia ran back to their mother's arms. Bellamy grabbed the register from the counter, lifting with all the force he could muster and listening to the window shatter. From there, he lifted Octavia off of the ground and pushed her through the other side._

_Suddenly the flames were all around him, and Octavia turned to him, eyes serious and expression stern as she spoke softly, but somehow booming over the sound of crackling flames._

_"Stay in the fire, Bellamy." Octavia said, and her voice was echoed by that of their mother's from behind him. "This is your fault."_

_"N-no." Bellamy shivered as he felt his mother's hands slither over his neck, fingers tightening slightly as he swallowed hard, taking a long deep breath of the smoke polluted air. If that was his last breath, it was a lousy one, he thought._

_"This is all your fault." They said at the same time. "This is all your fault."_

"No!" Bellamy screamed, sitting up straight on the couch and heaving out shallow, panicked breaths.

"Bellamy." He felt somebody's hand land on his shoulder, falling off of the couch and onto the ground as he crawled away. His mother's croaking voice still echoed in his eardrums as he panted heavily and searched for the source of the voice. Octavia stared at him from the couch, falling to her knees and crawling towards him on the ground. "Bell, it was just a nightmare. It wasn't real."

"It was." Bellamy whispered, falling into Octavia's arms as she pulled him into her chest. She ran her fingers through his sweat-ridden hair, pulling him in as tightly as she possibly could. "It was all real, it was all real, it's all my fault." His voice cracked, tears running down his cheeks as his voice quivered every time he repeated those words.

"Bell." Octavia hushed him before she started to rock her body slowly, rubbing his back in small, comforting circles. Bellamy was still hyperventilating, the room spinning around him before he heard a hum come from Octavia's chest. She sang, gently and quietly, rocking back and forth while holding him. The vibration of the humming in her chest made Bellamy slow his breathing just so he could listen to her, finally calming down as he swallowed hard and closed his eyes. Octavia continued humming, singing a song their mother had sang to them when they were young. Bellamy was still trembling, even with all of Octavia's force as she held him in place. "I'm right here, Bell."

"I know." Bellamy whispered back, clutching Octavia's shirt and holding onto her, as if she were going to disappear any second.

"Listen to me. You're... you're strong. You're a Blake. Blake's are stubborn, hardheaded motherfuckers." Octavia said, almost making Bellamy laugh. "You're stronger and you're better than whatever you're seeing in your nightmares. You're real. You're real, and I love you, and so many other people love you. What's happening in there isn't real."

Bellamy finally managed to keep his trembling body still for a second, then two seconds, then for longer periods of times until he was completely still. Octavia slowly lifted him off of the floor, taking him by his hand and walking him to her bedroom. Bellamy shook his head quickly, protests already leaving his mouth as he tried to pull away, but Octavia's grip tightened reassuringly.

"No, no, no, no, it's your room, I can't-"

"Shut up." Octavia ordered, opening the door to her room and jumping on, patting the other side. "For tonight. Like when we were little, before you turned into such an old codger." She joked, and Bellamy cracked the smallest of smiles at that. He trudged to the side of her bed, slipping in under the covers. Octavia scoffed, rolling him over to face her. She tucked a piece of his wavy hair behind his ear, smiling when he closed his eyes and relaxed against her soft pillows. He couldn't remember the last time he slept on a real bed. 

He closed his eyes and focused on matching his breathing with Octavia's own. She took long, relaxing breaths and Bellamy worked to match the timing of her inhales and exhales, counting in time with the rise and fall of her chest. The only ambient noise in the room was the sound of her clock ticking on the wall, and the ceiling fan whirring lightly. After a second of focusing on the surrounding sounds, along with Octavia's quiet breathing, Bellamy was able to organize his thoughts. He'd had an anxiety attack. He knew that much, and it had sapped all of his energy.

Tired and drained from his reactions to the nightmare, Bellamy closed his eyes, finally giving into the need for sleep yet again. Just before he fell asleep, he felt Octavia's hands wrap around his, holding them tightly in the space between them as she squeezed his fingers tightly. He didn't have another nightmare that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand here's an update. lemme know if you find any typos in here. i did try really hard to catch them all, but y'know, some slip by. anyway, thanks for anybody keeping up with it thus far! i hope you enjoy it~


	4. The Amphigory of John Murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did say it would take two weeks for an update, but i wrote a lot this week, so here's an update! let me know if you find any typos or mistakes, i self edited as much as i possibly could!

"So," Jasper began quietly, "how about we play a little game?" Jasper called from the opposite end of the store. Bellamy had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"What kind of game?"

"Well... how about I ask you a question about yourself, and then you ask me a question about myself? We'll go back and for-"

"No." Bellamy said.

"You didn't even let me finish." Jasper said, closing the book in front of him. Jasper was surprised he hadn't read  _The Count of Monte Cristo_ before Bellamy recommended it. He knew it was popular and well known for being a good book, so it didn't make sense that he hadn't read it yet. Bellamy gave him a personal copy, as they didn't carry it in the store unless somebody ordered it in particular. Bellamy had bookmarked pages galore, dog ears on every few pages, underlined sentences, even definitions of words he didn't understand. He was thorough, Jasper had to give him that.

"I don't need to let you finish because I know who you're going to ask about."

"Oh yeah?" Jasper said with a hint of annoyance in his voice. "And who's that?"

"John Murphy." Bellamy said. Jasper flushed darkly, thankful Bellamy couldn't see him from his spot behind the register. "You're so predictable."

"C'mon, Bell." Jasper said. "There's gotta be something more that you're not telling me. I love a good story."

"But I'm not a story teller, and my life isn't an endless source of entertainment for you." Bellamy heard Jasper groan from the far end of the store, and he smirked in satisfaction. "Tough."

Jasper didn't say anything for a while, lying down on his back and staring up the ceiling of the shop. Dark marks were scattered all around the ceiling, new pieces of wood clearly contrasting with a few old worn pieces. Jasper furrowed his brows, tracing his eyes along the edges of the ceiling to the corners of the room, where the pillars there were new as well. If he didn't know better, he would say the building had been on fire at some point. He wanted to ask Bellamy about it, but since he had denied his proposition of the questions game, he really didn't want to push too much. He learned Bellamy's temper tantrums were easy to avoid as long as you listened to him.

"How's the book going?" Bellamy asked. Jasper perked up at his question.

"So far, so amazing."

"One of my all time favorites." Bellamy said.

"Yeah!" Jasper laughed. "I can tell. It looks like you've read it a hundred times."

"Well, it was my mom's before it was mine, so...." Bellamy trailed off. "She's the one who wrote in it. I just tagged all of my favorite pages."

 _Wow_ , Jasper thought,  _Bellamy's handwriting looks like his mother's._ Again, he didn't dare to voice his thoughts in fear of stepping over his boundaries. 

"I have to leave early." Jasper said. "I have a date."

"Why are you telling me this?" Bellamy said, his tone flat and uninterested. Jasper couldn't help but feel disheartened, pouting as he sat up and put his things away.

"Well, jeez, you freak out when I'm late coming to the store. Didn't want you to freak if I left early."

"I don't "freak" when you're late. That was  _one_ time, and it was because of Murphy."

"Ugh, I'm dying." Jasper said in exasperation. "Okay, give me a hint; were you two...? You know." Jasper raised a brow at Bellamy with a suggestive grin on his face. Bellamy squinted his eyes in disbelief, picking up the nearest heavy thing, which happened to be a tennis ball Bellamy kept around for when he was bored, throwing it at Jasper and missing him by a hair.

"Shut up."

"Oh my god, you were?!" Jasper said, a shocked expression on his face.

"I swear to god, Jasper." Bellamy threatened, and Jasper lifted his hands up in front of him, innocently smiling.

"Curiosity killed the cat. It was my only question, I promise." Jasper said. "There's nothing wrong with it, though. Liking dudes, I mean."

"Don't you ever stop talking?" Bellamy snapped. "What happened isn't any of your business, Jasper. There is no story." Bellamy didn't bother to look at Jasper, realizing he had yelled at the kid again when he really didn't mean to. He wasn't used to people caring enough about any of his personal life. Not even Octavia cared this much about it, and she was his sister. "As far as you're concerned, Murphy is another person you see in passing, and a goddamn pest to me." Bellamy furrowed his brows. "And, as far as liking dudes goes, I don't want to talk about that with you either."

"Well, I mean, I kind of...." Jasper trailed off, shaking his head before he apologized. "Never mind. It was my mistake."

"Have a good time on your  _date_." Bellamy said, a hissing emphasis on the last word. Jasper noted the high lilt at the end of his voice. Bellamy never took that tone of voice with him before.

As much as Jasper prided himself on noticing the small things people did, he had spent hours with Bellamy in the store, hours upon hours upon days of time with him, and yet, he still hadn't found any quirks Bellamy had. Sure, his sentences were sometimes dripping with sarcasm, and occasionally he would avoid Jasper's questioning eyes. He was plenty serious, what with his rough voice, but other than those few traits, Bellamy said most things truthfully. And when he didn't want to answer something, he blatantly said those exact words. Jasper hated it; it was the only way he really felt like he had power in a conversation, but with Bellamy, he was pretty much powerless.

"Bellamy?" Jasper said after slinging his backpack over his shoulder. Bellamy begrudgingly moved his gaze from the paperwork in front of him to Jasper's own stare. "I'm going out with some friends this weekend. We're gonna go bowling and get some pizza.... Uhm, you're welcome to come, if you want."

"Why would I do that?" Bellamy said. Jasper's expression fell, and Bellamy felt a pang of guilt hit him right in the gut.

"Right.... Well, then have a good weekend." Jasper said. He turned on his heel, wrapping his fingers around the cold doorknob before Bellamy damned himself.

"Wait, Jasper." He called, and Jasper turned to him, already opening his mouth to say something, but Bellamy used his booming voice to speak over him. "What day, and what time? Maybe I can close the shop and bring Octavia." Bellamy used his younger sister as an excuse, but he was interested in going out to do something. Most of the time he only left the apartment to find a bar, or occasionally out to parties, but most of the time, he stayed at home, keeping close to his own business and not wanting to be involved in anybody else's.

"Tomorrow, er, at 4. We're gonna meet at Jet's for pizza. Finn works at the bowling alley, so we're all gonna go there."

"Okay." Bellamy nodded. "I'll see if Octavia wants to go."

"Yeah." Jasper said, giving a timid smile before he tightened his grip on his backpack strap, fingers straining against the material before he managed to work up the courage to say what he was feeling. "Er, but if Octavia doesn't want to come, will _you_ still try and make it?"

"Huh?" Bellamy said, not having expected Jasper's response. He shrugged. "I guess I'll try."

"I just like spending time with you." Jasper admitted. "You're fun to talk to."

"Oodles." Bellamy replied sarcastically, having grown tired of the conversation already. He remembered how old Jasper was, barely 19 years old, and how all of his friends were going to be around the same age. Unfortunately, Bellamy was six years older than them, and the idea of hanging around a bunch of young college students didn't exactly sound like a good time. Jasper noticed the slightly frustrated look on Bellamy's face, and he let out a shaky laugh.

"If you don't want to, it's okay."

"No, I'll be there. For a little, anyway. The first time someone asks me to buy beer for them, I'm leaving." Bellamy said. Jasper laughed, making Bellamy smile and chuckle with him. He had that sort of intoxicating laughter, where once you heard it, it spread, and he couldn't help but laugh with him. Jasper gathered up his backpack, staring at Bellamy for a second as Bellamy furrowed his brows and waved at him. "Earth to Jasper?"

"Jeez, sorry." Jasper said after he scared himself awake again. "Anyway, let me know later or something."

"Yeah." Bellamy nodded, watching as Jasper walked outside, looked right and then looked left, as if he was confused as to where he was supposed to go. He poked his head into the store again.

"Where's the ice cream shop around here?" Jasper asked. Bellamy pointed to the opposite side of the street.

"Try not to get hit this time." He said. Jasper faked laughter.

"You're a comedic genius."

"Good, I was worried my good looks wouldn't serve me well in my life. I've gotta have something to fall back on." Bellamy said, making Jasper laugh before he walked out again, crossing the street carefully and disappearing out of sight.

When Bellamy turned back towards the register, he jumped in shock as Octavia leaned over the counter, a smirk on her face as she raised a brow.

"Hm, what was that?" She said, her voice taunting and suggestive.

"What was what?" Bellamy said.

"You know." She trailed off, but Bellamy raised his brows and shrugged. "'I just like spending time with you, you're fun to talk to, and I'm practically head over heels for you, can you see how bad it is when I laugh at your awful jokes?'" Octavia batted her lashes excessively, and Bellamy lifted a hand to his chest in offense.

"My jokes are not awful."

"They're really bad. Stop dodging my question! What was that all about, hm? Is he madly in love with you after you saved his life the other day?"

"No, he's just my friend.... I mean, I think he's my friend." Bellamy admitted. He couldn't remember the last time he actually considered somebody his friend, besides Raven, but she wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and he didn't have the energy to convince her otherwise. "Did you want to go bowling with us Saturday?"

"Yeah." Octavia grinned from ear to ear. "Sounds like fun. Just a friend, huh?"

"Why is it every time I say the phrase, "just a friend," nobody believes me?" Bellamy said in exasperation. Octavia lifted her hands in front of her innocently, though she still had a familiar smirk on her face, meaning she didn't believe Bellamy at all. "Get outta here, don't you have somewhere to be?"

* * *

The ice cream shop was empty, save for the employees walking around and getting annoyed with Jasper, who was mindlessly picking at his fingers. He had messaged Maya a few times, even called her to see if she had forgotten, but she wasn't answering her texts, and the calls went straight to voicemail. Jasper furrowed his brows, glancing at his phone again and making note that it was now two hours past the time they were supposed to meet, He sighed, standing up and walking up to the counter.

"Sorry for sitting there for so long. Can I get a single scoop of vanilla?" Jasper paused and chewed on his bottom lip. "But charge me double for how long I stayed."

"No, that's not necessary." The young girl said with a smile, so Jasper walked to the counter, paid for his ice cream, and then left what the ice cream cost in a tip as well.

When he walked out, he could see Blake's still open, Bellamy cleaning the windows outside and then walking back in as the door shut slowly behind him. He was itching to go back, considering he would be able to talk to Bellamy again, and maybe read some more before they closed in an hour, but he also didn't want to bother him again. After all, he still wasn't completely sure whether or not they were friends. Against his better judgment, Jasper crossed the street carefully, approaching the store when somebody's shoulder hit his, and the ice cream in his hand fell to the sidewalk in a melting heap. Jasper scoffed, looking up and quickly realizing it was Murphy who had bumped into him. He stopped to smile and revel in the fact he had knocked Jasper's ice cream out of his hands. Jasper held back a snort in response to the giddy expression on his face. He looked like he stole candy from a baby.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't even notice you there." Murphy picked up the empty bowl and handed it to Jasper, who promptly tossed it in the trash with a sigh.  _What a waste of money._ "What, uh, were you doing?" Murphy asked.

"Walking." Jasper said, more force behind his voice than he had expected.

"Where were you walking to?" Jasper tensed, curious as to how he should answer his question. Sure, it didn't make a difference where he was going, but the fact was Murphy knew Jasper hung around the bookstore, around Bellamy, who avoided Murphy like the bubonic plague.

"Home." Jasper lied, trying to walk past Murphy, but he stood in his way, head held high while he looked down on Jasper, eyes searching for something in Jasper's own. Jasper studied Murphy while he had the chance, noticing the many scars he had on his face, and the slightly disfigured crook at the top of his nose. Murphy's eyes were intense, intimidating as Jasper blinked and averted his gaze from him. His eyes were icy blue. Jasper remembered seeing his piercing gaze last time he intruded on the conversation between Murphy and Bellamy.

"Tell me, goggles," Murphy began, leaning closely towards him and making Jasper step back, "does he tell you about me?"

"Who?" Jasper tried to feign innocence, but Murphy cocked his head as a knowing grin grew on the corners of his lips. Jasper sighed. "I'm being completely honest when I say every time I even  _think_ about asking about you, his ass tightens faster than I can blink." Murphy laughed, looking at the ground as he nodded.

"Yeah, that's Bellamy for you." Murphy said. "What'd you ask him?"

"I wanted to know what your name is. Full name, I mean."

"For what?" Murphy said suspiciously. "Stalking me?"

"To understand the initials on your knife." Jasper pulled it out, holding it out for Murphy. "Don't you want it? Take it."

"I don't want it anymore." Murphy said with a sneer before reaching into his own pocket and pulling out another pocketknife, one much nicer, newer. "I have another one to test out. Why, you don't want it? Bellamy doesn't want it?"

Jasper tried to think of an explanation that wouldn't anger Murphy, but wouldn't implicate Bellamy either. Jasper fumbled with the knife in his hands, fingers running over the cool exterior as he shook his head. "No, Bellamy wanted it, but... I pocketed it. He didn't see me, don't tell him." Jasper said, looking up and hoping Murphy believed him. Murphy gazed into Jasper's eyes for a moment, Jasper almost shivering from how intense and focused it was, but then Murphy blinked and nodded.

"Good for you. Keep it then. Make use of it." Murphy shrugged. "Anyway, sorry about your ice cream." Murphy said, voice insincere as he walked away, but Jasper stuttered over his words, stumbling and awkwardly calling after him. "Yeah?"

"What... were you doing last time I came in? To the store?" Jasper asked, immediately regretting his question when he saw the devilish smile on Murphy's face. "You wouldn't do anything to the store, would you?"

"No, goggles." Murphy grinned. "I'm the one keeping the store as safe as it can be."

"O-oh." Jasper nodded nervously, grip tightening firmly against the knife in his hands. He swallowed hard.

"Hm." Murphy said. "See you around, kid."

Murphy turned to the corner of the street, hands shoved in his pocket. Jasper almost felt an urge to follow him, but he also had the faintest notion Murphy wanted him to follow. Jasper regretted ever asking Murphy about it, instead of waiting patiently for Bellamy to tell him. Murphy could use it against Bellamy now, or mention to Bellamy that Jasper had asked, and who knew how Bellamy would react to that kind of thing? Against his better judgment, Jasper walked into the store, catching Bellamy off guard.

"Welcome to Blake's." He called from the furthest end of the store. "Let me know if you have any questions."

"Bell." Jasper said, Bellamy peeking over the top of the bookcase. His expression changed when he noticed it was only Jasper standing at the door. "You're not really that tall, are you? "

"I'm standing on a step stool, jackass." Bellamy said. "What are you doing here? What happened to your hot date?"

"That's the thing, she hasn't been picking up her phone, and I've been texting her, but she hasn't read any of the messages."

"Did you piss her off?" Bellamy said after hearing the exasperated tone in Jasper's phone. Jasper paused, trying to remember what they talked about last. Most of it was about the car incident, and then they texted a few times afterwards just talking about their days. Other than the short conversations from the day before, they hadn't spoken all day, and they definitely had no fought at any point.

"No? I mean, I don't think so."

"Maybe she stood you up." Bellamy said.

"She wouldn't do that." Jasper said, knowing for a fact Maya would tell him if something changed, if she didn't want to go out or couldn't go out, he knew she would tell him. "Bell, what if something happened to her?"

"Like what?" Bellamy said, raising his hands in front of him and raising his brows mockingly. "Oooh, maybe her phone died and she hasn't been able to charge it yet."

"Could you not do that right now?" Jasper said, a hint of anger in his voice. The volume of his voice raised just enough to catch Bellamy's attention.

"I don't get why you're telling me this." Bellamy said, slamming down a pile of books on the counter and making Jasper flinch in response. "Did you want me to sit and cry with you about it, or...?"

"I wanted you to act like a friend would and take me to her house." Jasper snapped. "I don't have a car, and I didn't want to bother Monty. You said your number was for rides or something, but never mind."

"I'm literally right in the middle of work." Bellamy said. He dropped another pile of books, but Jasper hardly blinked at the noise now. "Unless you want to wait another hour and a half, you should find another way there. Sorry about your girlfriend." Bellamy paused, furrowing his brows and almost laughing. "And, if I'm not mistaken, I never said you were my friend."

"Yeah." Jasper said in disbelief, opening the door and standing in the entrance for an extra moment. He debated mentioning what happened with Murphy to Bellamy, but it wasn't important, he decided, walking out and sprinting down the sidewalk to their apartment complex. Bellamy finished pulling the books out of their boxes, groaning loudly when he realized they weren't alphabetized, and the covers to the hardcover books were all separated from the books. Bellamy did not want to spend the greater half of his night wasting time on these books, and he definitely didn't want to sit in the store while worrying about Jasper's stupid problems. As much as Bellamy tried to act like he didn't care, he was concerned. But he had already fucked up the opportunity, so now, he first started by slipping the covers on each of the books. Then he'd tackle everything else, and, maybe once he headed off to bed, he'd regret what he said to Jasper, and he'd text him an apology.

* * *

"Can't you drive any faster?" Jasper grumbled from the passenger's seat, but Monty shrugged in response to his question.

"I'm already doing ten over the speed limit. I really don't feel like getting pulled over tonight." Monty explained, but also, mentally objected by thinking it wasn't his driving that was making the trip so long; it was how far Maya lived from their town. She lived right on the edge of the county line with her father on his farm, and while it was gorgeous out there, in a rush it was just annoying. Jasper's leg was bouncing nervously as he chewed on his nails. Monty turned the radio on, trying to distract himself from Jasper's anxious tics, and instead, on some music. Jasper groaned over the sound of the music, so Monty turned it back down with a sigh.

"Jasper, I get you're nervous, but doing that stuff isn't going to make me move any faster."

"It's not that. It's not your driving."

"What is it then? You're pretty pissed off. I know you're worried about Maya, but you're upset about something else." Monty said, glancing at Jasper, who ran his hands through his hair. He felt stupid for wanting to admit it was Bellamy who was really bothering him. He should've been focused on Maya and _only_ Maya, but he couldn't help thinking of the annoyance named Bellamy Blake, who plagued him even on the ride to Maya's home. If something like that happened to Octavia, Jasper would be the first person to offer any help to Bellamy, whatever he needed. Then again, Jasper did have a little crush on Octavia from the first time he saw her, so his bias stemmed from a place of attraction first, a place of caring second.

"Stupid stuff." Jasper said. "I'm just really worried about Maya."

"We're almost there, so hang tight for a little bit longer." Monty said before he sighed and looked over at Jasper again. "Hey. I think she's okay."

"I hope so." Jasper said with a sad smile, his eyebrows raised before he shook his head and turned his gaze up to the night sky. He traced the outline of the stars, taking a long breath between each number to calm himself down. Maya had to be fine. She just  _had_ to be.

Monty slowed to a stop in front of the gate to Maya's home, hopping out of the car and unlatching it before he jumped back into the car and started down the long driveway to their house. Here, he drove faster than he had before, since he could notice Jasper visibly tensing in his place, ready to jump out at any second. Monty skidded to a stop, parking the car and walking out of the car as Jasper ran to the front door. All of the lights were still on, but Maya's car wasn't there either. Her father was home though.

"Mr. Vie!" Jasper shouted, slamming his fist down on the front door and knocking as loudly as he possibly could. "Mr. Vie, it's me! Jasper!"

Monty walked up the steps to the home right as the door opened, Maya's father standing behind it as he rubbed his eyes and looked down at Jasper through the dim porch light.

"Jasper, what are you doing here so late?"

"It's Maya." Jasper said. "I've been calling her all day, but she hasn't answered anything. I'm worried about her."

"Oh, that's right." Vincent said with a groan, realizing he hadn't even thought about telling Jasper while he was going through all of the drama this morning. He sighed, opening the front door and gesturing inside. "C'mon in. We gotta talk."

Jasper swallowed hard, nodding and walking inside with Monty hot on his tail. Jasper slowly trudged after Maya's father into the living room, sitting down on the couch, and getting impatient while Vincent grabbed a glass and a bottle of whiskey from the counter. Already Jasper could tell this was going to be a rough night. Monty sat down beside Jasper, his hand landing on Jasper's shoulder and squeezing tightly. Jasper placed his hand on top of Monty's own.

"Maya's in the hospital." Vincent finally said. Jasper's eyes widened as Vincent took a swig of the whiskey from his glass. "She's been in there since early this morning."

"What?" Jasper said.

"She blacked out at work. Her coworkers called an ambulance for her. Her phone was in her bag at work, so that must be why she's not answering." Vincent explained.

"What's wrong?" Jasper said. "She's okay, right?"

"The doctors said it could be anything at this point, but they're running her blood tonight, and they'll have the results for me tomorrow in the morning."

"And you're not at the hospital with her?" Jasper said, his voice dripping in disbelief. He was already thinking of asking Monty to drop him off at the hospital, and he would sleep there in the waiting room or the lobby until he saw her again. If they tried to kick him out, he would fight to stay until they said she was fine, until they said  _everything_ was fine and they could go back home and relax together.

"Jasper, there's something I have to tell you." Vincent said, sitting down in front of Jasper and sighing lightly. He took another drink of his whiskey and swallowed it down, savoring the hard burn it left in his throat. "Maya's mother had the same issues Maya is having. I'm hoping it hasn't gotten as bad with Maya, but-"

"What did Maya's mom have?" Jasper said nervously.

"We figured out after she died she had lupus. It affected her kidney, and by the time we realized it, it was too late." Vincent cursed himself, shaking his head as he ran trembling fingers through his graying hair. "Maya had the butterfly rash on her face. I should've known as soon as I saw it on her face." Vincent bit down on his bottom lip. "Jasper, she was losing hair, the doctors said. She was hiding it under hats and bandannas so nobody would notice, but they noticed. Obviously they noticed, they're doctors."

"Wait, so, you thought Maya had lupus... and you didn't take her to the hospital?"

"A lot of doctors won't diagnose it as lupus, they'll just say kidney problems and write it off as that. I wasn't sure until I saw the butterfly rash. Well, it's... it's undeniable, son."

"So, what happens now?" Jasper said. "Can I see her? Is that possible?"

"Right now, no. They wouldn't even let me in to see her. They're afraid it might be something compromising her immune system, and if we see her and get her sick with a cold or flu... she could die." Vincent said. "Listen, kid, I really did mean to tell you. I just had no idea what your number was, and thinking about Maya's stuff didn't even occur to me until a few hours ago. I completely forgot about her car, even." Vincent noticed the look on Jasper's face, the way his bottom lip was quivering as his eyes searched for something to settle on. "H-hey, kid. She's going to be fine. As long as they can get her on medicine, she'll be fine in a week or two. She's strong, like her mom was. You'll see her again, okay?"

Jasper nodded slowly, his lips moving and words slipping past his lips, but uncaring as to whatever it was he was numbly speaking about. Monty stood up next to him, and Vincent stood up, so he stood up. And then Monty walked him back to the car, opening the door for him and closing it once he was sitting inside. Monty slipped into the car wordlessly, starting it and driving away. Jasper had no idea what happened to him after her father said she could die. Those words echoed over and over in his head, chest aching and throat tight as he denied his body the need to cry, instead, leaning his head against the window and thinking about the last time they were together, how it felt to kiss her, how soft she was.

 _Is,_ Jasper corrected himself.

Is.

Jasper pulled his phone from his pocket, the messages to Maya still unread, all the phone calls to her still unnoticed. Looking just made it worse as he thought about her phone stuck at work, hidden away in her purse while she sat in a hospital bed alone. Jasper's phone buzzed in his hands, and he opened the message, but let out a disappointed sigh when he realized it was from Bellamy. Though he had no idea who else to expect something from, he didn't want to talk to Bellamy at the moment.

> Bellamy: Sorry for how I acted earlier. I hope your girlfriend is okay. I'm here if you need me.
> 
> Bellamy: Even if I'm not your friend.

Jasper frowned, wanting to respond with something sarcastic and sharp, but as much as he tried, he didn't have it in him to press send. He had Monty, and he had his other friends by his side for this as well, but in the end, all Jasper really wanted to do was sit in Blake's and read until he couldn't remember what was bothering him.

> Jasper: You don't have to go to the bowling thing. I don't think I'll go.
> 
> Bellamy: What's wrong?
> 
> Jasper: Nothing.
> 
> Bellamy: Let me know if you do end up going.
> 
> Jasper: You didn't even want to go in the first place. It's fine. I'm sure you have better things to do.
> 
> Bellamy: Never said that, but all right. Night.

Jasper cursed Bellamy, irritated with how easily he gave into Jasper's passive aggressive phrases. He wanted Bellamy to act concerned, at least, but he was fine with not speaking or seeing Jasper, or so it seemed.

> Jasper: Yeah. Night.

He watched, noticing when Bellamy hadn't read that message, and he suddenly felt as nauseous as he did when Maya didn't read his own.

> Jasper: Bellamy?
> 
> Jasper: You're okay, right?
> 
> Jasper: Hey, are you okay?
> 
> Jasper: Bellamy.

Jasper waited a few minutes in silence, Monty looking over at him and noticing he was transfixed on the phone in his hands. He almost felt bad. After another moment, the read message came up, and Jasper watched as Bellamy began to type.

> Bellamy: Right here, fine. Why?
> 
> Jasper: Okay.
> 
> Bellamy: You're acting funny.
> 
> Jasper: Okay.
> 
> Bellamy: I have no idea what you want me to say.
> 
> Bellamy: If you came to me expecting something, you came to the wrong guy. You're gonna have to tell me what you want from me.
> 
> Jasper: I don't want to be alone right now.
> 
> Bellamy: Do you want me to keep talking to you?
> 
> Jasper: I think so.
> 
> Bellamy: Okay.
> 
> Bellamy: But none of your passive aggressive shit. I'll think you're being serious and I'm gonna leave.
> 
> Jasper: That's fair.

"Hey." Monty interrupted Jasper's train of thought as he jumped and darted his gaze up to his best friend, who was already standing outside of the car. "We're home. C'mon. Let's get upstairs and have some hooch." Monty said. Jasper nodded slowly, stepping out of the car and following his friend, but his eyes were glued to the screen in front of him. As he typed messages back to Bellamy, and Bellamy responded instantly, he wondered if maybe he was interrupting Bellamy from something. Monty sat down on the couch of their apartment after Monty led him in and locked the door behind him.

> Bellamy: What are you up to?
> 
> Jasper: Just got home. Drinking.
> 
> Bellamy: You drink?
> 
> Jasper: Course.
> 
> Bellamy: What do you drink?
> 
> Jasper: Hooch, usually.
> 
> Bellamy: Good god, do you hate yourself or something? It tastes like gas. Do you enjoy the smell of gas while you're getting shitfaced?
> 
> Jasper: And what does perfect Bellamy Blake drink, since my hooch is so disgusting?
> 
> Bellamy: Bellamy Blake downs a fifth of whiskey or bourbon every Sunday night.
> 
> Jasper: Nice.
> 
> Bellamy: Why does Jasper drink?
> 
> Jasper: Dunno.
> 
> Bellamy: Fair.
> 
> Jasper: Why does Bellamy drink?
> 
> Bellamy: Another story.
> 
> Jasper: I bet you're a good story teller when you're drunk since all you do is keep quiet.
> 
> Bellamy: Guess you'll have to get me drunk to find out.

Jasper smiled at his message, Monty setting a mason jar down in front of him and opening his own, taking a short swig of it and groaning as he fell back on the couch beside Jasper. Jasper grabbed his own mason jar, taking a drink and savoring the burn down his throat, the way it made his nostrils tingle. The warmth that spread through his chest and across his stomach before bubbling over into quiet, calming breaths. He groaned along with Monty, looking at his phone again, but unsure of what to say to keep the conversation going. On a whim, he sent another message.

> Jasper: I think you're my friend.
> 
> Bellamy: You think, as in you're not sure, or you think, as in to you, I'm your friend?
> 
> Jasper: The second one. But it's okay, I'm not your friend. I get it.
> 
> Bellamy: I didn't mean it when I said that. I'm not used to having new friends.
> 
> Jasper: Could I ask a question?
> 
> Bellamy: Sure.
> 
> Jasper: Who are your friends?

The messages stopped after a moment, and Jasper almost typed out an apology, considering it could have come off in the wrong way, but he was legitimately curious. It seemed like Bellamy knew a few of Jasper's friends, but half of them knew Bellamy because of Octavia, and the other half for much darker reasons. Murphy didn't seem like a friend so much as a visitor, and Octavia was Bellamy's sister. Friends were out of the question.

> Bellamy: At the moment, nobody.
> 
> Jasper: Kind of a bummer.
> 
> Bellamy: It was my choice.
> 
> Jasper: Can I be your first friend?
> 
> Bellamy: It's not like I haven't had other friends before.
> 
> Jasper: I mean right now.
> 
> Bellamy: Oh. Do you want to?
> 
> Jasper: No, I'm asking for my health.
> 
> Bellamy: Jackass. Yes, you can be my friend.

Jasper smiled involuntarily, taking another drink of the hooch in front of him and falling back on the couch. Monty was staring up at the ceiling, tapping his fingers on his stomach when he looked to Jasper.

"Wanna go on the roof?" He whispered. Jasper nodded, holding his phone to his chest and grabbing what he could before they started upstairs. He remembered he hadn't responded to Bellamy's text, telling himself to open it once they reached the roof. As they approached the elevator, standing in numb silence, Jasper counted his breaths, watching the door open. Monty propped the door open with a nearby brick, sitting down and drinking more of the hooch. Jasper followed, sitting down and immediately turning his attention to the stars. Because their town was fairly small, there wasn't too much light pollution, and being up on the apartment roof allowed them to see the stars as clearly as being out in the middle of nowhere. Monty smiled, pointing at the moon.

"There it is."

"Yeah." Jasper said. "Remember that time we got high back in our junior year, and you asked Finn where the moon was?"

"Shut up." Monty said, punching Jasper in the shoulder. "I can't believe you remember that."

"Of course I do. You were like, "Is the moon in here? I can't change the tide if the moon won't cooperate. It's basic physics." You were so dead set on finding the moon." Jasper grinned, guzzling down another glass of hooch. "It was so funny."

Jasper took a second from talking to grab his phone, quickly typing a message to Bellamy.

> Jasper: The sky is really awesome tonight.

Mentally, Jasper cringed at what he said. He sounded like some cheesy romance novel, but he wanted Bellamy to know he was still safe, even if Bellamy didn't particularly care whether or not he replied. He wasn't even sure if Bellamy wanted to talk to him, but Jasper would keep bothering Bellamy until he passed out from all the hooch he drank.

> Bellamy: Is it? Haven't been outside.
> 
> Jasper: Ye. Really pretty.

"Remember when you had, like, a pound of pot in your backpack, and my parents said something smelled funny? You were gonna piss yourself in my living room, I swear." Monty laughed again, a bright smile on his face as he grabbed the mason jar of hooch and dumped himself another glass. They were really downing it fast. Before they knew it, the jar was almost half gone, and their heads were spinning. Jasper laid back after burping and savoring the burn of the alcohol coming back up his throat. He sighed, fingers searching for Monty's own before they slipped together. Monty squeezed, turning to his left and meeting Jasper's blank eyes.

"Remember the first day I met Maya?" Jasper mumbled. Monty nodded, scooting closer and leaning his head on Jasper's shoulder. "When we ran into her at the park...."

"She had a yellow dress on." Monty said as he closed his eyes. "Yellow's my favorite color."

"I don't remember what she had on." Jasper said. "I was... so entranced with her face... her voice." Jasper said, his throat tightening up as he choked back a few words. "I couldn't even tell she was sick, Monty."

"Hey, shh." Monty whispered, pulling Jasper into his side and holding onto him.

"I was with her, and she was sick, and I didn't even know." Jasper's words caught in his throat, and his eyes stung suddenly as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He tried to hide his face in the crook of his arm, hating how he looked when he cried, but Monty was already pulling him into a hug, hiding Jasper's face on his shoulder and rubbing his back. "I should've taken her to the hospital. I should have tried harder. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"Jasper, you couldn't have known."

"I told her.... I could've tried harder. Monty.... Monty, I'm so fucking sorry. I want to see her so bad."

"I'm sorry." Monty said. "We're gonna see her. We're going to see her real soon, and we're going to help her feel better. She loves you." Monty rubbed Jasper's back in circles. "She loves you, and she'll forgive you for not forcing her to see a doctor, okay?" Jasper's quiet sobs turned into full out blubbers, Monty holding him until Jasper held him back. "C'mon, man. We'll go back, and I'll order some cheap takeout."

"Can I have more hooch?" Jasper asked quietly. Monty smiled at the soft, almost childlike voice Jasper had, and he nodded, standing them both up and picking up the empty glasses, along with the mason jar of hooch. He carried it to the elevator again, still letting Jasper lean on his shoulder.

Jasper didn't remember how he ended up back in the apartment, or how many more glasses of hooch he had before he was lying on the floor in a weak, tired heap, or how he had this blanket and pillow, but he didn't mind so much. Monty was lying on the couch beside him, staring up at the ceiling with him. Jasper almost wanted to apologize to Monty; he looked almost as depressed as Jasper felt, and he wondered if making Monty drive him there was too much for him.

"Hey, Monty." Jasper said, almost stunned at how slurred his words were. Monty grunted in acknowledgment. "Thank you."

"For what?" Monty hiccuped in the middle of his sentence, a small smile appearing on his face before it fell and he dropped his arm to the side of the couch, letting it swing back and forth a few times before he stopped and rubbed his eyes. He was going to be  _so_ hungover in the morning.

"For driving me to Maya's house.... You didn't haveta do that."

"Shh." Monty said, partially because he felt a headache coming on, but also because Jasper never had to thank him for those kinds of things. He liked to help Jasper as much as he possibly could, considering Jasper had done the same for him many times before. When his mother died, Jasper was right there with him for every part of it, even the ugliest parts where Monty wanted to die; Jasper was right there, protecting Monty from himself and grounding him. Monty honestly thought if it weren't for Jasper, he wouldn't have survived that time. He wanted to be there for Jasper in the same way, though he hoped it would never come to such an extreme as it did with Monty.

Jasper nodded, knowing he didn't have to say anything else. He almost reached for another glass of hooch, deciding against it when his chest burned and bubbled at the thought of the massive hangover he was going to have in the morning.

Before he fell asleep though, he grabbed his phone from his pocket. Having silenced it earlier, he hadn't noticed the abundance of messages Bellamy had sent him throughout the time they hadn't spoken. Jasper made an effort to focus his eyes on the words on his phone screen, but nothing he read made sense. Looking to Monty, he nearly asked him to read what it said, but then realized he was asleep. Jasper pursed him lips before he shrugged and decided he would read the messages in the morning. For now, he would do his best to send a message that made sense to Bellamy, so Bellamy didn't worry or forget about him .

He didn't remember closing his eyes and falling asleep again. He didn't remember leaving his phone next to him, and he didn't remember hearing it vibrate throughout the night.

* * *

Murphy sat forward at the bar, flicking his fingers over the lighter in his hands before he finally leaned forward enough for it to light the end of his cigarette. With a long, drawn out inhale, he savored the familiar burn of smoke in his lungs before he exhaled the smoke through his nostrils and then through his lips. Though there was another one of the gang's countless parties going on downstairs, Murphy wasn't interested in them much anymore. Miller liked to throw them, and he invited everybody, including college kids. The kids Miller invited didn't matter much to Murphy, though. He had met the kinds of kids coming to the parties, and they weren't anything to worry about, and some of them were their best clients.

With another long drag of his cigarette, Murphy headed downstairs, pushing through the crowd of people to the exit, walking outside to find kids outside smoking, the reek of pot wafting through the air as Murphy pushed through them as well. He was bored already, and the kids there were obnoxious. Not knowing where he was going, he followed his feet, taking a few turns and heading mindlessly down the sidewalk. The city was nice like this at night, quiet and dark, save for a few people here or there. He noticed a few other groups of kids walking towards him, and then realizing who he was, crossing the street to the other side. He smiled and pulled his cigarette from between his lips, blowing a long puff of smoke before walking away.

Soon, Murphy realized he was already close to their old hangout, before Bellamy left, before the entire gang went to shit. He inhaled again, blowing the smoke out in another second and then crushing the cigarette under the toe of his combat boots. With a deep breath, he stepped forward, cringing when he stepped on broken glass and it crunched under his feet. Every step he took towards the old building, he found himself stepping on more and more old remnants of the gang; old beer bottles of the cheap alcohol they used to drink, empty cigarette boxes and half smoked roaches. When the group ended up in a particularly dark spot, they even ended up in dealing even harder drugs, ending up with empty syringes around the building. Murphy kicked one in disgust before he heard somebody cursing from inside the building. Curiously, he walked in without shame, finding a young girl standing there as she held her hand out in front of her. Then he noticed the drops of blood on the ground.

"Goddamn it!" She hissed, turning around to find something to cover it with, and instead, finding Murphy. Her voice stopped in her throat, furrowing her brows as she squeezed her wrist to try and slow the bleeding long enough for the wound to clot. Murphy took another uneasy step forward, finally standing under a blinking light and recognizing the girl when he walked closer. It was Raven, the girl who lived with Bellamy for the longest time, and the one who convinced him to leave the gang. He smiled when she finally shook her head, identifying Murphy's face and sneering in disgust. Her leg almost buckled from underneath her, stepping back and limping for a moment.

"Long time, no see, little bird." Murphy said.

"Don't call me that name." Raven hissed at her.

"Oh, c'mon, no hard feelings." Murphy opened his arms, waving her in, but she spat in his direction instead.

"You are a murderer." Raven said. Murphy tutted softly, wagging his finger in front of her and shaking his head.

"Unfortunately, no, I'm not. I know you and Bellamy think it's easier to just blame it all on me, but I was the one trying to keep his store standing."

"I saw you standing in front of the store while it burned down." Raven said.

" _Almost_ burned down." He corrected her. "And yeah, you did see me standing there. I was kind of in shock."

"You were smiling."

"I wasn't smiling because I was happy it was burning down." Murphy said. "Never mind, I'm not defending myself to you anymore. I told you guys what happened. I tried. I tried really fucking hard."

"And she's still dead!" Raven said, her voice booming in the empty warehouse around them. Murphy almost flinched at the sound of her voice, but he decided to look away before he showed the guilt in his expression.

"I know she's still fucking dead, alright?" Murphy murmured. "I know she's dead, Raven."

"I ran away because you killed her."

"No, you ran away because you're a coward." Murphy replied. "I didn't touch her. Don't you  _ever_ think I could kill Aurora."

"Don't say her name like you cared about her." Raven retorted with venom in her voice. "You killed her, and then you sent people after me because I was the only witness."

"Goddamn it, Raven, that wasn't fucking me either!" Murphy slammed his fist down on the metal wall of the warehouse, shivering at the pain shooting through his veins as soon as his knuckles hit the hard wall. "I don't understand you all think it was me. You were both part of the fucking gang, too!"

Raven watched as Murphy stepped forward, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"You and Bellamy were both part of the gang. Before you two fucked," he spat out the last word, "before you moved in with him and he thought he was fucking in love with you, before you convinced him to run away with you, he was part of the gang, and he was with  _me_. But y'know what, I don't even care about that part. I care that you two were part of the same gang as I was. Both of you did some pretty fucked up shit. As a matter of fact," Murphy moved forward again and poked Raven in the chest, "the two of you tried to kill me for something I didn't do. But it's fine, I was the only criminal of the gang of delinquents."

Raven had nothing to say as she swallowed hard, trying to figure out something to prove Murphy wrong, but he pulled the collar of his jacket away from his throat, pointing at it as he pushed her away.

"Do you see the rope marks?" He said. "Kind of old fashioned, isn't it? I don't know how or why I ever forgave Bellamy. Maybe it was after he saved my life the second time, but let me tell you," he paused with a sad laugh, "sometimes I still feel like I can't breathe because it's around my throat. Remember watching them drop me from the tree? You were standing right next to Bellamy. I remember." Murphy waited for Raven to say something, anything sarcastic or witty in response, but she was dead silent, focused on the booming tone of his voice. "I get that you saw me at the store that night. I get that I was pissed off at you two for running off together. I fucking get that. But did you ever think for one minute that it could have been anybody else in this godforsaken club? Anybody else that wanted you two dead for getting off scot-free?" Murphy laughed again and looked down on Raven. "Did you even think of the possibility that  _maybe_ Bellamy sent someone after you because you ran away as soon as the going got rough?"

While stumbling over her words while desperately trying to get her thoughts together, eventually Murphy nodded sadly.

"You probably won't ever believe me, no matter how much I say I didn't do it. You're gonna keep thinking I killed her, that's fine." Murphy said. "But I would rather hang myself from the same tree behind the club before I ever let Bellamy believe I killed his mother." Murphy uttered the words as if they meant something to Raven.

"Murphy...."

"Don't." He put his hand up before he reached into his pocket, pulling out a white bandanna and throwing it to her feet. "Wrap your hand with this."

As Murphy turned on his heel and approached the door to the warehouse, he heard Raven stuttering something out. He stopped to glance at her, and when he did, she had the bandanna wrapped around her hand, and there were tears welling up in her big eyes. She blinked them away, not daring to look at him.

"I never want to see you here again, Murphy." She said just loud enough for him to hear. He nodded slowly, sucking in a quick breath as he shrugged.

"Yeah, there's been a lot of that going around lately."

* * *

Bellamy ended up nervously staying awake for a few hours after Jasper sent him the last message. He was thankful he didn't have to work the next day, so he could sleep in for a little while. He hated knowing Jasper was making stupid drunk decisions with his ultimate enabler, Monty, especially since he had no idea whether or not the two of them were safe. He guessed this was how Octavia felt every time he went out drinking on Sunday afternoons, but he tried not to feel too bad about it. Octavia knew how to voice her opinion thoroughly enough to tear Bellamy a new one when she needed to.

After waking up at 11, slowly trudging out of bed and forcing himself to take a shower, he ended up back on his couch, stretching his arms over his head and trying to figure out what it was he was going to do with his day. He didn't have to work, but he did say he was going to go out with Jasper and his friends later on. He wasn't sure if the plans were still on. Beyond that, all he had left was to go drink or find something else to do with his time. He didn't mind the idea of staying home and playing video games all day, but at the same time, he wasn't so sure he wanted to do those things either. Indifference filled his mind every time he thought of some other activity to do in his free time. 

Truth be told, the only thing he could think of wanting to do was sit downstairs at the register and wait for Jasper to come in.

Bellamy walked back to the couch, grabbing his phone from the table in front of him and noticing new messages from Jasper. He looked at the last messages he had sent Jasper before going to bed.

> Bellamy: You're outside?
> 
> Bellamy: Hey, you okay? You didn't drink too much, right?
> 
> Bellamy: Hello???
> 
> Bellamy: I'm going to assume you're okay.
> 
> Bellamy: ?
> 
> Bellamy: I'm going to head off to bed in a few minutes. But if you need anything, let me know.
> 
> Bellamy: Good night.

Then the messages from Jasper started after Bellamy had sent his last one out at 1 in the morning.

> Jasper: imm 2 drunk to read what you're messages s ay, but,, im going 2 bed ok good nite
> 
> Jasper: Good morning.
> 
> Jasper: I'm sorry about last night. I was pretty drunk by the time we went outside. I'm okay, though. Hungover, but okay!
> 
> Jasper: I'm gonna head to the hospital to visit someone. Don't know if I'll be able to make it to the bowling thing.
> 
> Jasper: I'm sorry I made you worry last night, by the way.
> 
> Jasper: Anyway, I hope you get some sleep. Thank you for not leaving me alone.
> 
> Jasper: I might stop by the bookstore later today. Will you be there?

Bellamy felt a smile grow on his face, but he wanted to respond. The last message had only been sent twenty minutes before, so he could sneak a conversation in with Jasper before he went to the hospital.

> Bellamy: Hey.
> 
> Jasper: Hey!
> 
> Bellamy: You going to the hospital?
> 
> Jasper: Not yet :/ Monty is still passed out. I'm afraid he's as hungover as I am.
> 
> Bellamy: I could drive you....
> 
> Jasper: No, I don't wanna bother you like that. Thank you though!
> 
> Bellamy: I don't work today.... just sayin.
> 
> Jasper: It's okay. I really don't wanna bug you.
> 
> Bellamy: You're not, but alright.
> 
> Jasper: ... would you really drive me?
> 
> Bellamy: Yeah, haha. You want me to pick you up?
> 
> Jasper: I'll walk to the store. You're a lifesaver.
> 
> Bellamy: Yeah. I'll be upstairs. Tell Octavia you're here to see me.

Bellamy closed his phone, standing up and grabbing some clothes from the closet before running to the bathroom to shower and change into a clean outfit. His shower went quick, rinsing his hair of the conditioner Octavia used before slipping out and getting dressed as fast as he could. Once out of the shower, Bellamy walked back to the living room. Jasper wasn't there yet, so he had time to kill. Bellamy smiled, grabbing a few bananas from the kitchen counter and peeling them as he tossed them into the blender. If Jasper said banana smoothies were good for hangovers, then a banana smoothie he would get.

Bellamy hardly even noticed the sound of somebody walking up the stairs over the sound of the blender whirring loudly before he shut it off and grabbed a cup from the cupboard.

"Hey." Jasper said, making Bellamy jump and spill some of the smoothie onto the counter before he finally looked up and felt a smile grow on his face.

"Jesus, you scared me."

"Am I that ugly?" Jasper joked before he stepped forward, leaning over the counter at the mess of liquid running down the counter. He picked up a towel from the counter, turning the corner and wiping some up from the floor and the side of the cupboard.

"You don't have to clean it up, here." Bellamy reached over, hands brushing over Jasper's own as he eased the towel out of Jasper's hands, their fingers brushing as Jasper looked up at him and swallowed hard. "It's my fault anyway."

Jasper stood up, sitting on the kitchen counter as Bellamy cleaned up what was left of the smoothie on the floor before he stood up, rinsing the towel out and turning slightly to nod at the half-filled cup on the counter.

"What is it?" Jasper asked. Bellamy smiled, looking back into the sink and washing the towel.

"It's a banana smoothie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, thank you to everybody reading and commenting thus far~ it means a lot to know you're enjoying it!
> 
> i'm super lame and made an 8tracks playlist for bellamy and jasper that i listen to while i write, find it [here](http://8tracks.com/sadmaachine/you-could-be-my-baby).
> 
> also if you'd like to talk or if you jus wanna follow a super lame tumblr you can find mine at [sadmaachine](http://sadmaachine.tumblr.com/).


	5. It's Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, so as far as this story goes, I think I'll be updating once every two weeks, typically on a Thursday or a Friday, unless I manage to write a ridiculous amount of chapters. Usually updates will come every two weeks, though :') Thanks to everybody reading and commenting too, it's super encouraging when I'm writing to know people are enjoying it!

Opting to wait in the car instead of walking in with Jasper seemed like such a good idea when Bellamy first got into the car, but now, he was sitting there, arguing with Jasper about why he didn't want to go in.

"Bellamy, c'mon, she wouldn't mind if you came in."

"I don't  _want_ to." Bellamy replied. "Can't I just wait in the car until you come back, or I'll leave and you can text me when you want me to pick you up?" Bellamy almost sounded desperate, pleading for some other way this could go. He wasn't interested in meeting Jasper's girlfriend, and besides that, he  _absolutely_ hated hospitals. Just thinking about them sent shivers down his spine, and going into them made his stomach churn and turn until he was ready to run to the nearest bathroom. He shook his head sternly. "I don't want to go in."

"Please?" Jasper asked. Bellamy shook his head again, putting the car in park and pulling the keys out of the ignition.

"I said no, I don't want to go." He stated firmly again. Jasper fixated on his fingers, twiddling them nervously before he finally managed to muster up enough courage to say the real reason he wanted Bellamy to go along. His shoulders tensed, and he sputtered out his words unsteadily.

"Bell, I'm afraid to go in alone." Jasper admitted softly, hiding his embarrassed expression from Bellamy as he opened the door and stepped out. "I'm scared."

Bellamy's chest tightened at the sight of Jasper's words, and he clenched his hands around his keys, digging them into his palm before he cursed himself and stuffed his keys in his pocket, along with his phone and his wallet. He hopped out of the car, slamming his door a little harder than he planned to. How was he supposed to deny Jasper when he asked that way, so vulnerable and open with his words? Bellamy pointed an accusing finger at Jasper, brows furrowed in a stern look. He wasn't angry at Jasper, but pissed off at himself for being such a dick to Jasper about it all. This was serious, important to Jasper, but Bellamy couldn't help being selfish when it came to this type of thing.

"I am _not_ going into her room, Jas. I'll walk in, I'll follow you there, but I'm not going in. Got it?"

"That's okay." Jasper said with a small smile. "But if I pass out, you're gonna have to drag me back to your car."

" _Fuck_ that." Bellamy interjected, but with a smile on his face that made Jasper laugh. "The fuckin' paramedics can get you out of there. I will be waiting near the vending machines, drinking a Coke and eating some chips. You can call Monty to come pick your ass up."

"Wow, rude." Jasper joked.

"You know me." Bellamy slapped Jasper's shoulder, the two of them beginning the long trek to the front doors of the hospital. Jasper had stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, noting that it was warming up again, and he wouldn't need his jacket in a couple of days, though the winter months were approaching faster than Jasper could enjoy the warm summer weather long enough. Fall was always a blip in the timeline, the leaves falling off in a few weeks, and then winter snows came. Jasper's eyes wandered over to Bellamy, staring at the simple get-up he had when he noticed he had a leather jacket on to shield himself from the cold.

"Hey, that's kind of like Murphy's jacket." Jasper said, clamping his mouth shut when he realized what he had said. Bellamy's gaze shot towards him, eyes intense as he peered at Jasper.

"It's been a couple of days since you've talked about him." Bellamy grumbled. "Wondered when you were gonna bring him up again."

"Yeah, well... I haven't seen him lately." Jasper lied, remembering just the day before he had seen Murphy and bumped into him. He had spoken to him, for God's sake. But he didn't want to say that and risk pissing Bellamy off, or even worse, making him sad. So Jasper lied again. "Not since the day he was in the store."

Bellamy stared at him curiously, and Jasper noticed he did the same thing Murphy did when they weren't sure if he was telling the truth. He studied his expression, and Bellamy rubbed his nose with the back of his hand, looking away from Jasper and grumbling softly. A sigh of relief came from Jasper when Bellamy's scrutinous gaze focused somewhere else.

"He scours the store like a rat, so I'm surprised. That's good, though. I'm glad you haven't seen him."

Jasper forced himself to hold his silence and opt for a quiet walk to the hospital instead of letting anything else slip. Bellamy's reaction was subtle, unobtrusive. Of course Jasper noticed the way Bellamy's shoulders rose at the sound of Murphy's name, the shift in atmosphere too obvious to ignore. With bated breaths, Jasper pushed that all out of mind. He shouldn't have cared about how Bellamy reacted to Murphy, and more about the hospital they were approaching. The closer they got to it, though, the less he could seem to focus. The idea of Maya being trapped in one of those rooms was sending his mind into a frenzy, throat tight as he noticed they were right at the doorsteps. Bellamy walked forward first, stopping in the lobby and looking back at Jasper as he raised his hands in confusion.

"Are we going or not?"

"Y-yeah." Jasper said, mustering up whatever courage he had left to walk through the entrance and into the hospital. Bellamy's face scrunched up, cringing at the awful smell of the hospital. He remembered being here once when Octavia was sick with pneumonia. Due to their lack of money growing up, their mother never had the money to pay for vaccinations, and insurance was so far out of the question. Octavia's lungs were full of liquid, hindering her ability to sleep lying down. Bellamy remembered nights staying up with her, holding her while she coughed and choked with the liquid. And when she did manage to fall asleep, albeit sitting up against Bellamy, he stayed awake until his mother came out to take care of her. Sometimes, Bellamy sent his mom away so she could get more sleep, but mostly because Octavia was his sister, and he'd never leave her when she was like that. A couple weeks of that felt like a lifetime. Bellamy couldn't believe how helpless he was to a stupid virus.

That must have been how Jasper felt, Bellamy thought, glancing at Jasper from the corner of his eyes as the lanky kid furrowed his brows as they approached the end of the hall. The sign said numbers and rooms and sections in all directions, Jasper trying to figure it out before Bellamy gestured towards Jasper.

"What room number?" He said. Jasper stuttered over his words while flushing in embarrassment.

"1373." Jasper mumbled. Bellamy pointed upstairs, the two starting the trek upstairs before Bellamy stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned to the left. "You know where you're going?" Jasper asked timidly. He wasn't sure what it was about the hospital, maybe how quiet it was, or maybe it was his anxiety finally settling upon him, but either way, he was shaking as he walked. He felt like his knees were going to buckle underneath him. He wasn't sure if he would be able to make it if it were any further.

"I've been here a couple of times." Bellamy admitted.

"Octavia?" Jasper said as he caught up with Bellamy, but Bellamy kept from meeting Jasper's stare. He nodded.

"And other people."

"Which people?" Jasper said, though he already had a feeling by the way Bellamy was tensing at his question, how his pace seemed to pick up tenfold as they turned another corner. The room numbers started to change, closer and closer to Maya's room number. The long winding hallway felt like it was shrinking with each passing moment, the walls closing in closer to Jasper and Bellamy, though Jasper noted Bellamy's expression hardly changed. Walking past rooms with open doors, families crying together, laughing together, couples holding hands as tightly as they possibly could because they couldn't kiss. Jasper's heart twisted at the thought. What if he couldn't kiss Maya when he saw her? Sure, it wasn't the worst thing, but after not being able to see her, and knowing she was in pain, all he wanted to do was pamper her and treat her as gently as he possibly could until she was better, kisses included! "Which people, Bell?" Jasper egged Bellamy on to respond to his question, thought Bellamy simply shot him a quick glare and kept walking.

"You know, old friends." Bellamy said, voice gruff but quiet at the same time. Bellamy lifted his index finger to his lips and shushed him, stopping in front of a closed door and gesturing towards the room. "Her room."

"Oh...." Jasper's voice caught in his throat, balling his hands into fists beside him as he shakily took in a breath. Seemingly having to stop himself from latching onto Bellamy's arm, he took a long inhale in, chest puffing up exaggeratedly. "I can't do this. What if I'm not supposed to go in yet?" His tone was deflated, quiet now, a complete contrast from the false confidence he tried to swallow from the air around him.

"I'll ask." Bellamy said, reaching his hand out and stopping a nurse as he walked by. Bellamy's demeanor quickly shifted from his normal, intimidating personality to a friendlier, weaker tone Jasper didn't expect to come from Bellamy Blake, of all people. "Hey, is it okay if we go into this girl's room? We're family."

 _Family_ , Jasper said in his head excitedly, though he kept his expression mostly serious. The nurse grabbed a clipboard from beside Maya's room, reading it over slowly before he nodded.

"Yeah, she was released from observation last night. Her father has already been in to see her. You are...?" He asked. Jasper stuttered nervously, and Bellamy stepped forward.

"Half-brother. Well, I am. He's my friend, drove me here." The nurse immediately shook his head in response to the question.

"Only family-"

"Please." Bellamy pleaded. The nurse furrowed his brows, sighing and setting the clipboard back beside the door. "Listen, I don't do well in hospitals, but I have to see my sister. You won't even know we were there." After explaining with a pleading voice, the nurse's expression softened, rolling his eyes.

"Don't stay too long, the doctors will ask questions." He warned while walking away. They waited until the nurse was out of hearing distance, and Jasper cocked his head, curious glint in his eyes as Bellamy gestured towards the door.

"Half-brother?" Jasper asked. Bellamy held back every urge inside of him to sneer. "You don't look anything like Maya. If anything, I could pass as Maya's brother."

"Yeah? So if I told that guy you were Maya's brother, and then some doctor walked in on you two swapping spit, how would you explain it?" Bellamy said, a joking smile on his face when Jasper grimaced and punched his shoulder.

"Ew, you're so nasty."

"What did I say?"

"Swapping spit. That's such a gross way to say it."

"Jasper, are you five years old?" Bellamy said, Jasper throwing him another grimace as they fell into a quiet laughter. "Now I have to follow your stupid ass inside the room, which is exactly what I said I didn't want to fucking do, in case you don't remember." Bellamy grumbled. Jasper's quickly threw his arms around Bellamy, squeezing tightly as he held back a noise of content when Bellamy's arms wrapped around him as well.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it." Jasper said, reaching out to the door handle. If he and Bellamy waited any longer, he might lose his courage to move into her room, and since they had made it this far.... He opened it, stepping inside slowly with Bellamy following closely. Everything was moving so quickly, Jasper thought maybe he was rushing into her room impatiently, but as soon as he caught sight of Maya, he went running up to the side of her bed, reaching his hand out and holding hers in his own. Bellamy closed the hospital door behind them but stopped in the doorway and turned his back on both Jasper and the girl in the hospital bed. Jasper silently thanked Bellamy again. Maya's eyes moved slightly before she fluttered them open, eyes going wide and mouth dropping slightly before Jasper squeezed her hand tightly. At a loss for words, or rather, searching for the right ones, they both stared into each other's eyes instead of speaking right away.

"Jasper, I-"

"Maya, are-"

The two started at the same time, nervously cutting themselves short before they both smiled and laughed under their breath. Maya studied Jasper, the smile on his face as he leaned in close and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Her hands slid out from underneath the hospital blankets, the IV in her wrist moving with her fluid movements as he fingers landed on Jasper's warm cheeks. Bellamy shifted uncomfortable in the door, the sound of his shuffling catching Maya off guard.

"Who's that?" She whispered. Jasper looked to the doorway, forgetting that Bellamy was standing there and he smiled.

"My friend. He drove me here, got me in to see you." Jasper explained easily, then waved his hand as if brushing the topic away. "Anyway, Maya, how are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Maya said with a timid smile. "My dad came in to see me this morning. I was super happy to see him. I'm really glad to see you too." Maya said, trying to sit up, but Jasper raised his hands warily. After a moment, she managed to push herself up to sit up straight. She looked back at Jasper, eyebrows raised ever-so-slightly. She opened her mouth and shakily mumbled, "They know what I have."

"Okay." Jasper nodded slowly. Bellamy caught himself turning a little, eyes tracing over the girl in the bed and then to Jasper. The way they sat together seemed friendly and comfortable, Jasper leaning forward slightly as he nodded for her to continue. Bellamy averted his gaze to avoid seeing something personal and intimate he shouldn't see. Standing in the room already made him feel like an intruder on a situation he had no interest in being involved with.

"It's... it's lupus." Maya said, watching as Jasper's expression fell. If his heart could stop, he swore it did for a split second. He acknowledged her words with a quiet hum, but Maya reached her hand out and held his chin in place, making him meet her gaze. "They said they caught it before it affected my kidney. I'm okay, Jasper." After a second, she looked to her left and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. Jasper swallowed hard, his heart aching in his chest as he felt... smaller. How had the situation changed so drastically within only a few seconds, and even fewer words?

"Your... mom had lupus...." Jasper mumbled.

"We didn't know that until after she died." Maya said tenderly. "We were too late then, but we caught it this time. They're going to give me medication, and I'm going to treat it." Maya kissed Jasper's cheek, hesitating when she pulled away. "I'm going to be okay."

"Yeah." Jasper nodded slowly, and he feigned a smile and leaned in to kiss her, actually kiss her. Savoring the feeling of her lips against his own, Jasper leaned forward and held her face between his hands. "Your hands are cold." He whispered as they pulled away, her fingers tracing lines in his neck. She nodded, holding her hands underneath the blanket and rubbing them in hopes of warming up.

"Vitamin D deficiency." She mumbled. "It happens sometimes during flare ups."

Jasper bit his bottom lip, holding back the urge to ask her if she hated him. He felt so guilty, so terrible about not forcing her to go to the doctor or a hospital sooner. If he had, none of this would have happened. He should have trusted his gut instincts. The entire situation wasn't about him, though, he reminded himself of that to keep from sounding selfish. Before he could think anymore, Maya laid back down on the snow white hospital bed and sighed gently. The nurses didn't like to let her sit up for longer than she had to, even though there was nothing wrong with her to actually warrant keeping her from sitting up like that. Her black hair splayed out on the pillow beneath her easily. She wriggled one hand out from underneath the blanket and wrapped her fingers around Jasper's own.

"I'll have to stay for a week so they can observe my patterns and my flare ups. They'll give me medicine based on that. After that, I'm all good!"

"You're not going to black out any more, right?"

"No." Maya laughed, smiling when Jasper sighed in relief. It definitely wasn't a laughing matter for Jasper. "Hey. I'm really glad that you came to see me."

"Yeah." Jasper said. "I would have been here last night, but your dad said they wouldn't have let me in." Jasper explained, finally starting to talk about what had happened the day before, omitting the fact that he was hungover still, and opting to mention that Monty was concerned for her too. As hard as Jasper tried, he couldn't seem to stop thinking about how she looked away from him every now and then, her smile sad and almost somber. He tried so hard to stop paying attention to that and instead on how happy he was to finally see her. They kept talking back and forth, forgetting about the time together until a doctor stepped in, coming face-to-face with Bellamy, the familiar male nurse trailing behind him. Bellamy stepped aside, but the nurse stopped and smirked knowingly. A flush rose on the apples of Bellamy's cheeks at the sight of his smile as he rolled his eyes and looked away.

"Half brother, huh?"

"Just give him another minute, we'll leave." Bellamy said, lifting his hands in front of him innocently. The nurse glanced at the doctor, who was mindlessly taking a reading of Maya's vitals and her blood pressure, interrupting Jasper and Maya's conversation for some questions. Bellamy watched as Jasper hugged her one last time, lingering just a little longer than Maya did. He stood up and walked to the doorway with Bellamy.

"She'll be okay." The nurse said with a reassuring smile, Jasper quickly leading the way out of the room. Bellamy heard Maya stuttering from behind him, and then a quiet, "Hey, wait." Bellamy waited for Jasper to come back, but it seemed like he was preoccupied with walking back and forth outside, so Bellamy stepped forward and peeked through the curtain into her room. She waved him forward, and he approached her bed, hands stuffed in his pockets while the doctor grabbed her IV and started drawing blood instead. Bellamy had to look away at the sight of it, despite how pathetic it made him feel. An IV in a wrist wasn't the goriest thing he had ever seen, but the thought of it made him squeamish.

"Thank you for driving Jasper here." Maya interrupted Bellamy's thoughts. "And for taking care of him. I could tell he was hungover."

"He was really worried. And he's my friend." Bellamy said. "You don't have to thank me."

"But I want to." Maya said, finally catching Bellamy's attention. He eyed her slowly, tracing from her face to her messy, wavy hair, and then down to her arms full of tubes and different bracelets. She moved one arm under the blanket in embarrassment. "You're a good person." She said, and then the doctor shooed Bellamy away out of the room, the nurse closing the door behind Bellamy and Jasper. Jasper hardly gave Bellamy a second look, practically running down the hall. Bellamy had to pick up his pace just to catch up with him, calling after him until they reached the lobby, and then Bellamy gave up. Where was Jasper going to go? Bellamy was his ride back home.

Jasper stopped outside of the hospital doors, running his hands through his hair as he muttered things to himself. There was no inclination in Bellamy to ask Jasper what the fuck was wrong with him, despite the fact that he knew he should have cared at least a little bit. He thought maybe if he hadn't just been in the same room as Jasper, listening to the same reassuring words Maya spoke, he may have been more concerned, but Jasper overreacted over nothing. Bellamy groaned and turned around to stop Jasper in his tracks.

"What is wrong with you?" Bellamy said firmly. Jasper shook in front of him, eyebrows furrowed and eyes glazed over as he stopped mumbling and met Bellamy's gaze.

"She looked to the left." Jasper said, and that was all the explanation he gave Bellamy. With an annoyed noise in the back of his throat, Bellamy cracked his neck and gave Jasper an irritated glare.

"Jasper, I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. You're freaking out for no reason. She said she was fine, the doctors said she's fine, so she's fine. Do you like working yourself up over nothing, or what?"

"She looked to the left!" Jasper repeated, and Bellamy put his hands up in front of him, shaking his head and walking to the car instead. He sat inside, turning the car on and rolling the window down. Jasper paced back and forth from one side of the car to the other.

"I'll wait for you for one more minute. After that, you can walk home."

"I'm sorry." Jasper apologized quickly, hopping into the car and leaning his head on the dashboard. Bellamy didn't bother waiting for him to buckle his seatbelt, pulling out of the parking spot and hurrying out of the hospital parking lot before he had to sit there and listen to anything else. Jasper stopped mumbling and muttering to himself outside of the car before he sighed and leaned his head back on the seat behind him. "When Maya lies, she looks to her left." Jasper admitted. Bellamy's grip tightened on the steering wheel, steeling himself against it as he swallowed hard and looked outside of his window instead. "She did that when I asked if she was okay. That's why I was freaking out.... I'm sorry for snapping at you. Hey, Bell, do you still want to go out tonight?" Jasper interrupted his explanation suddenly, Bellamy stopping at a light. In the free moment he had, he shot his gaze to Jasper. He almost said something sarcastic about how relaxed eager Jasper looked to hang out with people, but he stopped himself and shook his head. A breathy laugh left Jasper. "I didn't really want to either, to be honest."

"Jasper." Bellamy said, and he looked up at him, eyes welling up considerably. Bellamy's breath caught in his throat, and he was finally brought back to reality when he heard a car horn behind him, the light having been green for a few seconds now. Bellamy pressed on the gas, pulling up to the bookstore only a few moments later. He stepped out of the car, and Jasper followed. "Jas." Bellamy repeated, and the lanky boy nodded slowly. "Fuck it. We're drinking tonight."

"We are?" Jasper asked. Bellamy nodded.

"We're getting wasted. Invite your friend if you want. Monty, or whatever his name is. Come over later."

"Okay." Jasper gave in easily. "Want me to bring anything?"

"No hooch." Bellamy said. "Nah, tonight we're gonna be drinking Jameson. Jager. Jack Daniels. All the J's." Bellamy said.

"Isn't mixing alcohol a bad idea?"

"It's a great idea if you want to forget shit." Bellamy admitted, making Jasper smile. "Get home safe. See you later."

Bellamy sighed in relief when Jasper was finally out of earshot, far away from where he stood before he turned and walked into the bookstore. Octavia stood there, reading one of her textbooks as she looked up and smiled at him. Business must have been slow if she had time to study. Bellamy knew after long nights of making coffee for Octavia and hearing her bustling in the kitchen that Octavia needed intense focus when she was studying in order to understand the subjects. Bellamy's heart lifted at the sight of her welcome smile, as he walked upstairs, falling onto his couch and groaning. God, he'd have to go out and get alcohol later, because he was almost out of whiskey, and he was going to have Jasper and his friend there drinking with him. They were both young, Bellamy knew that much, since Jasper had just turned 19, and he mentioned once his best friend was born only a few months earlier than he was. It didn't matter to Bellamy, though. Underage or not, he wanted to get shitfaced and forget some of the things that had happened in the past weeks, and he was sure Jasper did as well. Trying to think of something else was futile too, since all his mind wandered to was how his heart ached in his chest every time he noticed Jasper sad, upset in the passenger seat of Bellamy's car. He never should have agreed to take Jasper to the hospital. Now he knew all of these things, how much Jasper really loved Maya, and he  _didn't_ want to know any of it. Bellamy was getting _attached_ to Jasper.

_Fuck._

A moment of silence, and then footsteps were echoing up the long stairs heading to their small apartment. Bellamy stared at the door when Octavia walked in, a smile on her face. The clock read 3:00 pm, but the closing the shop should have taken more than a couple of minutes. That was when Bellamy realized Octavia must have closed everything down earlier, far earlier than the shop should have been closed. He lacked the energy to really give a shit about it.

"So, when are we going bowling?"

_Fuck fuck fuck._

Bellamy visibly tensed, but he knew he'd simply have to steel himself against her icy glares for a couple of hours. There was no way Bellamy wanted to go anywhere now, not when the prospect of lying on the couch and getting drunk was so close.

"Er... I don't think we're going anymore." Bellamy lied. "Heard the plans changed."

"Hm." Octavia rolled her eyes and pushed herself off of the couch. There was a cadence in Bellamy's words when he lied, and Octavia had spent enough time with her brother to know when he told the truth and when he lied She huffed in annoyance, turning on her heel and taking a deep breath to face her brother. Octavia met Bellamy's gaze after storming off in the direction of her bedroom. "If you don't want to go, don't lie to me. And don't invite me to anything else if you're just gonna flake later on. I was looking forward to this." She spaced out her words, and then held her hand up when Bellamy tried to explain himself. She wasn't interested in any excuses he made. The resounding sound of her door slamming made Bellamy grit his teeth and sneer, mocking her annoyed tone of voice behind her back.

Before Bellamy could ruin anything else for Octavia, he snatched his keys off of the table and ran downstairs. The store was closed tightly, so he used the other exit,  locking the door behind him and then stretching his arms over his head. He could walk to the liquor store, but it would've been 20 minutes there, and 20 minutes back. After a second of debate, he hopped into the car, starting it and pulling away from the curb.

People always said Bellamy displayed confidence better than anybody they had ever known in their lives, but the truth was Bellamy felt insecure and unsure of himself more often than not. It started with his mother's death-- maybe before that he really was confident in himself--, and after that, Bellamy never fully recovered from the punch to his gut that was losing his mother. He blamed it on himself, her death, due to the fact that the gang followed him around long after he declared Murphy the leader of it from that moment on. It stayed by his side like a fever that was too hard to sweat out. He did some pretty awful things, too. Bellamy knew those things were certain, and because of his past, because of who he was as a person, Bellamy knew that he fucked up not only his life, but the lives of people around him.

Bellamy fucked up an awful amount of opportunities for Octavia due to his own fear and mistrust in other people, but there was one thing Octavia wanted that Bellamy could support her with.

She wanted to study abroad.

Bellamy sighed as he came to a stoplight, rubbing his eyes and turning the radio up. He really didn't want to think about it much more than he already had. Every time he thought about sending his little sister off anywhere he couldn't be, his stomach turned and his heart ached. Octavia was his little sister. She might have been strong, and she was definitely able to take care of herself after everything that had gone wrong. When Bellamy abandoned his family years ago, Octavia was the first one to step up to the plate and take care of their mother. Not even their mother's scumbag boyfriend was much help, despite their mother holding him in such high praises. He never even paid rent, Bellamy held back the urge to scoff at his own thoughts.

That was why Bellamy did so much for Octavia now. She had given him time, love, and forgiveness, and now all Bellamy wanted to give her was the world. He wanted to protect her from pneumonia, from fevers and long nights without eating, and all of the annoying tests she had to study for, Bellamy would take them all if it meant keeping his sister by his side.

He just had to let her study abroad then.

_Fucking fuck fuck._

Bellamy huffed and turned down the street to the liquor store. He hoped Monty and Jasper didn't come over too soon; he wanted some time to figure out exactly what they were doing.

* * *

Octavia crossed her arms over his chest, annoyed because across the world was her boyfriend, and she couldn't even speak to him. It was late there, and she'd have to wait until it was late where she was in order to speak with him.

Sometimes Octavia acknowledge the fact that Bellamy was just trying his best. With all of the responsibilities thrust onto him, like keeping the store running, paying bills, and putting Octavia through college, she was surprised he hadn't buckled under the pressure, considering he had learned absolutely nothing about the store from their mother. As a matter of fact, Octavia knew more about the store than Bellamy before he swooped back in after whatever he was involved in after running away, and took the store under his wing. She didn't mind that so much, especially since she had more time for school and studying, but sometimes, he liked to use it against her by saying she had almost no responsibilities. Most of the time, Octavia ignored him, but he had a way of crawling under her skin. Maybe it was the fact she never truly knew what it was he did when he ran away. If she knew, had the slightest idea of what he spent a portion of his life doing, she wouldn't be so upset by his attitude.

She sighed, lying back on her bed when she heard the sound of footsteps, furrowing her brows and sitting up. Bellamy had left earlier, she heard him, but he was back already? She crept near her door, grabbing the baseball bat she left near her bed before quietly opening the door. Two figures walked around the living room, quietly talking as they settled for sitting on the couch. Octavia kept her back to the wall as she tiptoed down the hall, bat at the ready. She touched a particular piece of the old wood floor behind her, and it creaked loudly. The two on the couch hardly noticed over their own loud voices, still joking around and laughing in the silence of the apartment. Octavia recognized one of the voices, dropping the bat at her side and resting her hand on her hip.

" _Jasper_?" She asked in surprise, making the two kids on the couch jump and turn, spotting the bat she held tightly in her grip. "What the hell are you doing in my house?"

"Er, we're here to see Bellamy?" Jasper said. "He told us to come upstairs, I swear."

"Well, that and the door downstairs was unlocked." The other dark haired boy commented from beside Jasper, his tall lanky friend elbowing him in the side only a second later.

"Who's this?" Octavia gestured towards him with the bat, pointing it menacingly at Monty's face.

"Monty, my best friend." Jasper placed his hand on the tip of the bat, pushing it away slightly and then furrowing his brows. "Where's Bellamy?"

"You just missed him." Octavia said. "Probably went out to buy whiskey or some stupid shit like that. I don't know, I stopped giving a shit about his drinking."

"Oh." Jasper said awkwardly. He rubbed the back of his neck, a guilty feeling bubbling in the pit of his chest at the sound of Octavia's words. She hated her brother's drinking, and yet, they were both there to spend the night drinking. Maybe the circumstances were different now. Octavia sat down on the couch, crossing her legs and still holding the bat over the arm of the couch.

"Why are you here, anyway? I mean, you two didn't just break into our apartment for shits and giggles, right?" Octavia chuckled.

"We made plans." Jasper said, sliding off of the couch and joining Monty on the floor. "Or, Bellamy made plans and invited us."

"For?"

"....If I said drinking, would you hate me?" Jasper said. Octavia rolled her eyes, but she shook her head and relaxed. For some reason, she had this lingering fear at any second that Bellamy would run off again and run away from the responsibilities he had taken on. It stayed in the back of her mind, a quiet voice reminding her that Bellamy ran away from her mother and her at a young age, and for what? She didn't even know. The fact that Bellamy wanted to spend time with this lanky, awkward kid (and his friend) contradicted her fears. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"I figured as much. So, what is it, pray tell, that is so important that it warrants a night of drinking starting at... 3:30?" Octavia asked, and Jasper shivered at the sound of her cold voice. She had her way of intimidating people, just like Bellamy had his own way. If he didn't know better, he would say she really did hate him for drinking with Bellamy. Monty raised his voice now after noticing Jasper's sudden quietness.

"Jasper's having a small emergency."

"Interesting." Octavia replied sarcastically.

"Girlfriend's in the hospital." Jasper explained, and Octavia's mouth immediately clamped shut, a worried expression on her face as she bit her tongue. Normally her sarcastic tone never ended up bothering her, even if she hurt somebody else in the process with it, but the saddened look on Jasper's face stopped her from saying any other heartless things. Jasper rubbed his eyes when he noticed they began to well up. Having to say the words out loud was hard, and he couldn't even imagine how terrible it was going to be when he had to admit Maya was lying to him about how healthy she was even as she sat in a hospital bed with tubes, fluids, and medicine pumping into her like a test subject. For now, though, he wanted to forget it all.

"Oh, honey." Octavia said, her voice suddenly sounding honeyed and sweet as she slid off of the couch and to Jasper's side. Her hand rested on his shoulder, lips parted while she searched for the words. Sure, she had her moments of being unfriendly to the kid-- she still really didn't like it when he walked in and read in the corner of the store-- but she had a heart. "Oh, Jasper, are you okay?"

"I'm... I don't know." Jasper admitted. "You don't have to feel sorry for me, seriously. I just wanted to say that's why your brother invited us over. That's where he took me this morning too." Jasper nodded slowly, gathering his thoughts as best as he could. "He's really kind." Jasper said. Octavia nodded slowly, brushing a piece of Jasper's wavy hair behind his ear as she smiled at him.

"If you need anything at all, let me know." Octavia said. "Even though I like to pretend to be all mean, I'm really a big softie. Bellamy should be back soon." Octavia sat on the floor now, along with the rest of them. "Do you know why she's in the hospital?" She asked, Jasper nodding but not saying anything else. A pang of guilt hit her, and she nodded along with him. "It'll be okay. She'll be okay."

"I hope so." Jasper said. Octavia looked up from Jasper and to his friend beside him, reaching her hand out and smiling.

"Octavia." She said.

"Monty." He stuttered, cheeks warm and flushed. "His best friend."

"Mm." Octavia grinned before pushing herself off of the floor. "Well, since you're gonna be here for a while, I'll order some pizza."

"Oh, we can go out for pizza-"

"Don't be ridiculous." Octavia's voice echoed from down the hall, having already disappeared into her room and grabbed her phone to order something for them all. Jasper smiled when Monty nudged him, leaning his forehead against his knees and sighing. All of the Blake's were really nice. He would have to pay them back some way somehow. "You're a guest in my house. I might not be able to buy you booze, but I can buy you something better than that. Besides, there's a really good pizza place just around the corner."

Shortly after Octavia ordered pizza, Bellamy had come home with two bags of alcohol, pulling out bottle after bottle of whiskey and stuffing them away in the cupboards. He pushed a bottle of Jameson, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of Jager forward with different glasses for each one, and from there, they were off. Glass after glass after glass, and finally, some food to settle them before they went back to chugging down more. Octavia had long since retreated to her room, locking the door and propping the baseball bat beside it in case she needed it for anything. Bellamy was never violent when he drank; in fact, he was quiet and mostly subdued, but she didn't know his other too friends as well. She may have been soft sometimes, but she wouldn't hesitate to knock someone out of they got on her nerves.

As if reading Bellamy's mind, Jasper grabbed his glass and poured himself a shot of Jager.

"You know what's suuuper gross?" Jasper drew out the length of his words. "Beer and Jagermeister."

" _Beer_ is gross." Bellamy said after taking a shot of the jager and clearing his throat while the burn traveled down his stomach. The burn dissolved into a dull ache, the sensation of the alcohol less and less prominent with each drink they took. Soon, it would be just like drinking water.

"Well, as broke college kids, sometimes you don't have a choice." Jasper slurred. "And some beer is really good! Like the darker beers... those are good."

"It's all gross." Bellamy corrected after pouring himself a glass of whiskey. He swirled it around the glass, wishing he had bought ice, or at least something to keep the drinks cold. Their air conditioning and heater had taken a turn and broke down, and even though it was pretty cool in the day, at night, it felt ten degrees warmer. The fact that they were drinking didn't help with the whole temperature thing either. Bellamy was sweating against his shirt, tugging it away from his sweat-ridden chest and huffing as he pulled it back and forth to create some kind of air flow. Jasper pulled his jacket off and tossed it on the couch.

"So, Monty," Bellamy began, catching Jasper's quiet friend off guard and making his eyes shoot open in surprise, "what's your major?"

"Hey, you've never even asked me that." Jasper hiccuped in the middle of his sentence, poking Bellamy in the chest.

"I was thinking about something in botany." Monty nodded slowly before he explained when he noticed Bellamy had one brow raised. "Plants, poisons, stuff like that."

"Oh, interesting. Family thing?"

"Yeah, my dad is a botanist, and my mom was, too." Monty said. "I would've studied in the big city, but Jasper wanted to stay close to home."

Bellamy nodded, turning his attention to Jasper and letting a cocky smirk tug at the corners of his lips. "What's your major?"

"Dunno!" Jasper grinned teasingly. "I just wanted to give you a hard time. Did you go to school, Bell?" Jasper said. Bellamy hesitated, but he shook his head. "Why not?"

"Story." Bellamy answered simply, making Jasper throw his arms in the air as he groaned loudly. "You're so over dramatic."

"I keep hearing you have stories, you have stories, you have stories! Tell me one!" Jasper said, but not in a forceful tone. There was a childish grin on his face, and he nudged Bellamy with his shoe, smiling when Bellamy kicked his leg away from him.

Bellamy didn't say anything, opting to stay quiet for a second so he could think about all the stories Jasper wanted to hear. There was the story of Murphy, and then the college story, the story about his tattoos, the mark above his lip that was most likely a scar; Jasper wanted to know everything that Bellamy wasn't sure he wanted to say in front of them, Monty even less. He hardly knew the quiet kid in the corner of the couch, whose cheeks were flush from drinking and smile crept on his face every time Jasper and Bellamy bickered back and forth. Besides that, all of the stories Jasper wanted to know were all intertwined into one big mess of a story that was Bellamy's life. Murphy, school, tattoos and scars, all of them melded into his shitty lifestyle he had chosen at a young age. So if Jasper wanted one story, he wanted them all.

"Get me drunk and I'll tell you." Bellamy said, toasting his drink to the empty air between them.

"All right!" Jasper shoved a bottle towards Bellamy.

"You gotta drink with me, genius." Bellamy said, pouring himself a full glass of Jameson, and grabbing Jasper's so he could pour him a glass along with it. "You drink this whole bottle with me, I'll tell you what you wanna know."

"You're on." Jasper grinned. Bellamy almost poured Jasper a glass, but stopped when Jasper pulled the bottle out of Bellamy's hands and drank straight from the bottle. Bellamy grinned widely, taking a drink with Jasper from his own glass.

Bellamy fell quiet again, sliding down the couch and lounging on the floor instead. He stretched his legs out, noticing Jasper staring at him not a moment later. He met Jasper's gaze, but Jasper didn't look away, a smile on his lips as Bellamy's expression remained neutral. A laugh escaped Jasper, and he finally looked away when Bellamy winked at him, cheeks flush from the amount of alcohol they had downed in the few hours they had been together. For a second, Bellamy wished he had bought more, but by the looks of it, none of them were going to last any longer anyways. Monty was already starting to pass out, head bobbing whenever he closed his eyes and fell asleep for a moment. Bellamy nodded at Jasper, grabbing a pillow from the couch and lying Monty down on it after he took the glass of whiskey from his hands.

"Don't you two drink hooch?" Bellamy whispered.

"We do." Jasper said, his voice calm and level as he took another swig of the Jameson. It was nearly gone, only a few more drinks left in the tall bottle. Bellamy should have felt panicked by the idea of having to tell Jasper what had happened to him, considering he didn't know Jasper as closely as he would prefer, but at the same time, there was something therapeutic about it. Jasper wasn't a best friend or anything like that to Bellamy, so if Bellamy told him about what had happened before, and then Jasper left, he wouldn't be as upset by it.

It was better than growing more attached to him and losing him later.

"Well, how weak is that hooch if he's already passed out from some whiskey?"

"Hey, shh..." Jasper said, grabbing the bottle and guzzling down whatever was left as he pulled it away from his lips with a triumphant grin. Bellamy rolled his eyes when Jasper laughed, pointing a finger at Bellamy, and then laughing louder. "I won."

"It wasn't a competition to finish the bottle." Bellamy slurred through the sentence while he set his glass down and blithely smiled. Might as well scare Jasper now before Bellamy got  _too_ attached. "All right. Pick a story."

Jasper pondered, a dreamy look etched on his face. He turned back to Bellamy and nodded slowly. "Tell me about John Murphy." Bellamy sneered in disgust at the sound of his name, but he digressed and tried to figure out where to start. He guessed Jasper would be getting two stories in one, since Murphy himself was like a novel on his own.

"John Murphy used to be in a gang with me." Bellamy admitted quietly, letting his eyes flutter shut so he didn't have to see the look on Jasper's face change when he heard how Bellamy's life used to be. Bellamy took a sharp inhale, again trying to figure out where he should start.  _Fuck it,_ he thought, and started talking about whatever came to mind.

"I was in this gang a long time ago... like, almost four or five years ago. Murphy was a friend of mine at the time. I invited him to join, he was pretty young, like... 15, I think. He was still a kid. We were both pretty young. I started the gang to move stuff around. Y'know, product." Bellamy paused, debating whether or not to go into further detail about the club, but remembering that Jasper only asked about Murphy. Jasper gestured for Bellamy to continue speaking. "A while after we started the whole gang thing, we ended up...  _together_... but that didn't last long. I was really fucking stupid, and I slept around with whoever I wanted to. Murphy wasn't all about commitment either, but I think there was some point where I told him I trusted him, like, with my life, and he took it seriously. Even after we almost killed him, he-"

"Whoa!" Jasper shouted. "Wait a minute, you tried to fucking _kill_ him?" Jasper said, and Bellamy felt his chest tighten as he nodded. "Do tell."

"Well... I heard from some people in the gang that while I was going away-- y'know, to other states and stuff for the club's business--, Murphy was doing some... really shady shit. Before you get all up-in-arms about it, I know what I did was fucking wrong, and I shouldn't have even gotten involved in it. But in all my time doing that shit, moving drugs and partying and shit like that, I never  _once_ considered human trafficking to be a viable career path." Bellamy swiped his nose with the back of his hand. "it's fucking inhumane. When I heard people say Murphy did that shit behind my back, I ignored it most of the time. Y'know, even if it wasn't a monogamous relationship, I trusted him more than I trusted most of the other people in that fucking place. At least, I thought I could trust him like that. I didn't believe it until I was in the basement of our warehouse, and I found a fucking body." Bellamy took a second to chug down his glass of Jameson, shaky hands reaching for the Jack Daniels instead. Was Jasper even listening anymore? He couldn't look. He didn't want to look. He almost didn't want Jasper to keep listening.

"She was in a box... a crate. I couldn't even look at her, man. I fucking threw up. I couldn't.... How could that happen behind my back, y'know? I'm over here trying to make everything fair for everybody, and then he just goes and pulls this? I called him out on it at a club meeting. He said he had no idea how her body got there. Murphy... he has this look when he's telling the truth. He had that look on his face while he was telling me. He had no idea where she came from. He was as shocked as I was." Bellamy felt like he could remember the hush that fell over the room when he said it at the club meeting, the look on Murphy's face when he met Bellamy's gaze. He was lost. "But the club insisted it was him, they were going fucking insane. I couldn't control them, and they were already halfway through putting the noose around his neck before I even had the idea to say it wasn't him. I  _had_ to, I had to. It was... what's the word, subordination?"

"Insubordination." Jasper corrected him, his voice in a drunken haze.

"You're listening." Bellamy said in amazement, but he cleared his throat and continued. "Hanging was the way things worked around there. Blood for blood."

"Holy shit."

"I don't remember everything that happened after that. Some girl came forward and said it was her after they dropped him. The girl that came forward, she always hung around Murphy. Somebody cut Murphy down, kept him from hanging any longer than he already had, and then... the girl, I let her go. She was just a kid."

"So was Murphy." Jasper interrupted. Bellamy leaned forward, rubbing his forehead and nodding.

"Yeah. I know. It was my fault. Murphy said he forgave me, that he knew I was going with the crowd, but he never really let it go. I don't blame him. How the fuck could you forgive somebody that almost murdered you?" Bellamy said, giving up on his glass due to his shaky hands, and grabbing the entire bottle of Jack. He chugged down another few big gulps, and wiped his mouth while setting it down on the table.

"You almost killed someone." Jasper said under his breath, and Bellamy held back a laugh.

"I have news for you, Jas," Bellamy looked at Jasper for the first time after talking, recognizing the pitying look on Jasper's face in a second, "I've done a lot worse." Bellamy let that sit for a moment, lying his head back on the couch, and waiting for some sort of lecture, or even the ugliest reaction from Jasper. The only person who ever really knew all of the things he had done had been Raven, and she didn't stay with him in the end anyways. Octavia had never heard much, only rumors that other people said about her brother around town. "Nothing to say?" Bellamy asked. Jasper looked up, shrugging.

"I.... No. I guess not."

"I told you that I, the owner of the bookstore you frequent, almost killed someone for shit they didn't even do. I moved drugs. I was part of a _gang_."

"Well, I asked to hear about it." Jasper mumbled, staring at his alcohol as he swirled it in the glass. "What kind of a person would I be if I asked to hear about you, and then ran away the moment you told me?"

"A normal person." Bellamy spat.

"You don't scare me, if that's what you're thinking." Jasper said, and Bellamy looked taken aback at his words. "Seriously, I'm not worried you're some bloodthirsty serial killer who's gonna skin me after I pass out. I get what you did was fucked up, but.... I dunno."

"You should be scared. You should hate me."

"You put a pillow under my friend's head when he passed out after you invited us over to drink." Jasper gestured towards Monty. "You drove me to the hospital to visit my sick girlfriend, and... you saved my life. I mean, you pushed me out of the way of that car." Jasper said. "How am I supposed to be afraid of someone who does all this nice shit for my friends and I? I didn't know you back then. I only know you now." Jasper cocked his head to the side, searching for the vulnerability in Bellamy's eyes that was apparent only a moment ago. "I know you right now. You're not a bad guy."

Bellamy swallowed hard, shaking his head before he stood up, throat burning from the excess of alcohol he had guzzled down in the past 15 minutes. He ran to the kitchen sink, chest heaving up and down as he held his hair back.

"And you called me and Monty lightweights!" Jasper called tauntingly, standing up and following Bellamy to the sink, rubbing his back after a moment of hesitation. "Let it out, c'mon. You won't feel better, but you should get it out."

"N-not the alcohol's fault." Bellamy stuttered between heaves. The alcohol came spilling out of his lips, and he coughed at the burn of it coming back up. He rested his head on the cool edge of the sink, sighing when the heaves subsided after throwing up once. "Thinking about that stuff...."

"Oh." Jasper said knowingly. "Hey, then we won't talk about it anymore."

"I hate thinking about it." Bellamy grumbled. "After everything, Murphy took me back, and I still fucked him over. Sleeping around, fucking with his head.... When I left the gang, he couldn't take it. He almost lost it. It was so bad. But he still comes around to see me every now and then. I don't know what kind of relationship we have. I don't even know if it counts as a relationship."

"See?" Jasper rubbed Bellamy's back before he inched his hands upward and squeezed the back of Bellamy's neck. Bellamy held back a quiet groan as he melted into his touch, skin hot and clammy from drinking so much in his warm apartment. "Even Murphy isn't scared of you. To be honest, I think Murphy scares me more than you do."

"Yeah." Bellamy tried to stifle a laugh. "Murphy's a lot tougher than you are. He doesn't have to be scared of me."

"Wow, rude. You don't know me very well. Maybe I was, like, a drug lord before you just don't know."

"You? A drug lord? That would be impressive." Bellamy laughed as Jasper pinched his shoulder. "You're drunk."

"Oh, and you're not?" Jasper said, heading back into the living room. Noticing Bellamy wasn't following him back, Jasper returned to Bellamy's side, hands on either side of Bellamy's sides to keep him standing. "C'mon, tough gang leader, let's get back to drinking!"

"Mm-mm, I think I'm done." Bellamy waved his hand. "I talked to you enough tonight."

"Maybe if we finish that bottle of Jager, I can get you to tell me about some of these tattoos!" Jasper traced his finger along Bellamy's arm, marveling over the dark ink along his skin while he traced his finger higher, to his shoulder, and watching as Bellamy visibly tensed. Bellamy shut his mouth, watching Jasper gape at his tattoos and actually enjoying the amount of attention this kid was giving him. His fingers traced the line all the way to the base of Bellamy's throat. He grinned and pulled away. "I mean, they've gotta mean something since you're part of a gang, don't they?"

"Another night, goggles." Bellamy said, flicking between Jasper's forehead and poking at the goggles on top of his head. He pushed past him, heading to the couch and grabbing the bottle of Jagermeister. He never knew his limits. Jasper sat down in front of him again, stretching his legs out and letting their shoes touch as he pushed Bellamy's feet. "You know, this is the opposite reaction of what you're supposed to have when someone tells you shit like, "I killed someone."" Bellamy explained. Jasper shrugged.

"Maybe it still hasn't hit me." Jasper looked up at Bellamy with a mischievous smirk on his face. "Maybe if you told me why you killed those people, I'd be a little more _scared_ of you." He said. Bellamy felt a shiver at the word Jasper emphasized, blinking as if to clear something from his vision before he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He shouldn't have felt chills when Jasper was talking, he just shouldn't have. When he opened his eyes again, finding Jasper waiting for some sort of reaction, his chest almost tightened, but not in a sick sort of way. He almost felt... the way he did whenever he still saw Murphy or Raven. Stumbling over his words, Bellamy shook his head and looked back down to his lap.

"Jasper, you can't ask me about the stuff I did in public anymore. You know that, right?"

"Well, now that I know what you did, I won't." Jasper reassured with a timid smile.

"Not a word about the... what happened to Murphy. Not any of it. And if I tell you more, you can't say anything about that either. I'm serious."

"I get it." Jasper said again, holding his hand out to Bellamy with his pinky finger out. "Promise." He grinned.

"Jesus, what are you, five?" Bellamy teased, but he lifted his pinky up to Jasper's own, locking them together. Bellamy moved to pull his hand back, but Jasper clasped his fingers around their locked fingers and grinned.

"Seriously. I promise."

"Thanks. And if you get scared of me later or something... don't feel bad. If you've gotta stay away from the store or something-"

"Sorry, Bellamy Blake, but if you think you're the scariest person I've ever met in this world, I've got a newsflash for you~" Jasper sang the last part with a giggle. "Everyone's got a couple of secrets. Besides, you can't get rid of me that easy." Jasper said. "Hey, Bell? I only have one question left about that story." Bellamy nodded, and Jasper turned his gaze down to the ground. "Every time you even hear Murphy's name, you get this look of disgust on your face. Like, you can't even bear the thought of him. But from what you told me... you're the one that did stuff to him. I'm confused."

"That's..." Bellamy trailed off, hardly able to think straight. "That's another story. A long one. Really long. Maybe another time."

Bellamy stopped talking long enough to reflect on the things he had just told Jasper. His mother didn't even know about some of those things, not even Octavia, and she was his little sister. He found himself staring at Jasper, trying to see if he was lying in any way about how he felt, but Jasper was sitting there in front of him, stupidly drunk and still taking more sips of Jager every now and then. He supposed, if Jasper wasn't having a bad reaction while he was drunk, he would have to wait until he sobered up to see how he really felt. Then Bellamy paused, furrowing his brows as he remembered he hadn't asked Jasper about what had happened all day.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Really warm, and tingly." Jasper said. "Kind of weird."

"I mean about what happened today." Bellamy laughed at Jasper's response. "At the hospital?" Bellamy hinted, and Jasper's expression immediately fell.  _Bingo_. "Jasper, you're not okay, are you?"

"I'm fine." Jasper lied, but Bellamy's glare didn't let up, and after a moment of reassuring him that he was fine, he gave in with a sigh. "All right, I'm not. I'm scared."

"That's fair." Bellamy said before he furrowed his brows again. "What was that thing you said? About her looking to the left or some shit?"

"Oh, yeah." Jasper laughed, almost nervously. "Well, sometimes I can tell when people are lying, from their tells, y'know? Maya has a tell where she looks to the left, and she did that when she said she was fine." Bellamy nodded slowly.

"You don't think she's okay?" Bellamy said. Jasper shook his head.

"She's lying to me. When I saw her dad last night, he didn't look too... y'know, happy either."

"But if they get her on medicine, she'll get better, right?"

"I guess." Jasper replied. "I don't know. I'll have to look it up more. Hey." Jasper said, catching Bellamy's attention. "Have any books on lupus down there?"

"We might." Bellamy said with a small smile.

"We'll have to look so I can study up." Jasper said, and the look on his face was somber. Bellamy sighed, lying down on the ground and stretching his limbs out before he spoke quietly.

"You guys can stay the night if you want. Monty looks like he's right at home." Bellamy said with a laugh. Jasper let out a little snort, joining Bellamy on the ground and pulling his goggles off from over his head.

"Hey, Bell."

"Yeah?" Bellamy grunted.

"Thanks." He smiled. Bellamy's heart skipped a beat, but he didn't dare look at Jasper. Instead, he avoided his gaze and stared up at the ceiling instead.

"Don't thank me for... whatever it is you're thanking me for."

"For telling me. You didn't have to, but you told me anyways." Jasper paused and tutted for a second. "You're not much a storyteller though. Maybe you should, y'know, write it out next time."

"You're a dick." Bellamy punched Jasper in the shoulder, their eyes meeting. Bellamy swallowed hard, jerking his stare away from Jasper and turning on his side so he had his back to him. "Night." He said. Jasper yawned, mumbling the same thing to him before they both fell silent. Bellamy's heart was beating at a million miles a minute, unable to calm down as he lay there. He bit his tongue, willing himself to stop, but there was just something about that moment.... It was more than attachment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you happen to find any typos, let me know! I edited as best as I could, but I know I miss stuff all the time. Thank you again~


	6. Whatever the Hell We Want

_ How it started, Bellamy wasn't sure. After being kicked out of home and having to leave Octavia behind, Bellamy sat now with his friends, or at least, he thought they were his friends. Most of what they did was run drugs for him, but Bellamy wanted more. He wanted money. He wanted power. _

_ "We should start something here in town." Bellamy said, and the two beside him looked up. "A gang. We can move our own product." _

_ "What, like Breaking Bad?" One of them said. Bellamy rolled his eyes, picking underneath his nails as he nodded. "That'd be cool. That shit is hard though. You know how hard it is to make meth? Buying supplies and shit, and then, y'know, not blowing up while you're making it. I doubt we could do that, Bell. Besides, this is a tiny little town. Why would we need a gang?" _

_ "Why the hell not?" Bellamy said, pushing himself off of the ground and wiping his clothes off. "I mean, we all know people for it. All we'd have to do is find one that would cook for us. Profits go 50-50, and then we split it among each other." _

_ "Shit, Bell, that's a whole lot of work. You make it sound so easy, but we gotta find people to run it, to move the product. Shit, I don’t even know how we’d start finding people for a lab. We’d need more than three people in on this.” _

_"I know more people than you two." Bellamy snapped. "If you two aren't in, that's fine, but I'll find people who want to in a heartbeat. I’ve gotta do something with myself, with my time." Bellamy swiped his nose with his thumb. "It might be a tiny town, but there are a lot of junkies here. We'd be doing this place a favor."_ _The two of his friends hardly looked swayed, still shaking their heads when Bellamy groaned and threw his arms down at his side._ _"Think of all the money. The money alone is going to be amazing. You'd be able to buy anything you want, do whatever you want, whenever you want." Bellamy said. The two of them looked a little more convinced, a smile appearing on the left's face. John Mbege, one of Bellamy's newest friends. Still, Bellamy trusted him. "Whatever the hell we want."_

The sound of the bell at the door jingling brought Bellamy back to reality, blinking away his disorientation when he realized it was Jasper that had walked in. Jasper didn't say anything, an almost inscrutable look on his face before Bellamy remembered that Jasper had been acting that way ever since Bellamy had told him what he used to do with Murphy, though he guessed it was more of a story of the fuck-ups in Bellamy's life. Bellamy nodded at him before he looked back down at the computer screen in front of him. He'd had nothing better to do all day, and the new shipment of books hadn't come in yet, probably not until tomorrow, and so now, Bellamy was left listening to music. He snatched up a magazine from behind him, and began reading whatever first caught his eye. It seemed like nothing could satiate his fleeting attention span.

Bellamy knew he was really just trying to avoid the hurt feeling in his chest because Jasper wasn't speaking to him, hardly even looking at him from his spot on the ground. He had a new book, but Bellamy hadn't recommended it, so he guessed the whole story really scared Jasper away. Their conversations were shortened to nothing more than saying hello and goodbye when Jasper walked in, and occasionally, “How are you?” when Bellamy felt particularly adventurous. 

_ Get over it _ , he told himself, willing himself to remember that this sort of reaction was normal and to be expected from people. When they left, he didn't care because he wasn't close enough with them to actually care. He remembered the horrified look when he finally confided in Clarke, telling her about the things he had been through with Murphy, and how he expected her to accept it, or at the very least, acknowledge that his past existed. Since then, all Clarke did was avoid Bellamy, and in the rare case that they crossed paths, she pretended as if everything was fine, as though nothing had changed between them. Bellamy wasn't sure if he preferred the way she was acting, or the way Jasper was acting.

Sometimes, though, it just really bothered Bellamy.

Right now, for example.

He understood the jarring realization people had when they found out Bellamy had been in a gang, and even more so when they knew he had done some pretty damning things during his time with the gang. He understood that it took time to process, and some people were uncomfortable with that fact. He understood people were uncomfortable. That was okay.

What Bellamy didn't understand though, was how people acted as if they were personally affected by the fact that he was in a gang. Bellamy was the first person to admit how fucked up it all was, how terrible he acted and the awful things he did to others. Moving drugs in a world overrun by them was bad enough, and Bellamy still had more stories to tell. But when Bellamy told Clarke, when he told Jasper, they acted as if Bellamy had done those things just to hurt and spite them, as if he was proud of them or something.

That was why Bellamy was ridiculously irritated when he noticed Jasper glancing at him a couple of times, eyes darting back and forth between the book and Bellamy. He realized Bellamy was looking, and tensed, turning slightly so Bellamy couldn't see his eyes anymore, but Bellamy knew. He gritted his teeth, biting his tongue and willing himself not to say anything before he really scared Jasper.

No matter how hard Bellamy tried to leave the gang, it always followed him, whether literally or figuratively, he could never escape them.

Bellamy decided that night to find Murphy.

* * *

 

The hospital was eerily quiet, the sound of Maya's monotonous breaths the only thing Jasper could focus on for more than a few seconds. Jasper always thought hospitals were supposed to be loud, like they were in the TV shows, but this hospital was dead as a doornail. Maya's hand twitched in her sleep, Jasper noticed, the IVs in her wrist wiggling slightly every time she moved. He was tempted to call the doctors into the room to ask if her IV would be bothered, but he didn't want to disturb her sleep either. She looked peaceful, much different than last time Jasper had come in and she was still recovering from passing out at work. He guessed the medicine they were giving her was really working. He almost wanted to smack himself for doubting her. Even though she gave him her telltale lying signs, it seemed like she was back on track to being happy, lively Maya again.

Thinking about that day just made him think about Bellamy, though. Jasper sat back, legs crossed as he slid his phone from his pocket and stared at the last few messages they had sent each other before the night they got drunk. Bellamy challenged Jasper to drink the bottle of Jameson for a story, and Jasper regretted it the moment he heard Bellamy start talking. He had no idea Bellamy had such a grim past, and that Jasper had become friends with somebody like that. It was sobering to hear the words, "I've killed someone.” Jasper acted as if nothing was wrong afterwards out of fear more than anything. What kind of person was Bellamy Blake? Did Jasper even know him? He felt like he had been introduced to somebody entirely new with the same name. A ball built up in the pit of Jasper's stomach, and he forced himself to think about something, anything else, before he got nauseous just thinking about it again.

Jasper trailed his fingers along the edge of the hospital bed, tracing over the cool metal of her bedside before he looked up at her and smiled gently. It happened almost unconsciously. She was starting to stir from her sleep, a quiet groan leaving her lips as her eyes fluttered open. She immediately noticed Jasper, a smile appearing on her own lips as Jasper laced his fingers in with her own.

"Hey." Jasper said. Maya nodded, her eyes still sleep-ridden and lazy. She rubbed them as if rubbing away the sleepiness, and then sat up with Jasper's hand on her back. Her body was trembling, but Jasper opted not to mention it.

"Hi. What time is it?" She said in a sleepy tone. Jasper glanced at his phone.

"It's 5:00. You were asleep for a while, the medicine really knocked you out." Jasper said. Maya let out a small laugh and nodded.

"Yeah, it does that sometimes. How long have you been sitting there?" She asked, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Ten minutes, I think. I just wanted to come in and see you." Nurses said I’d have to leave in an hour.

"Did you bring your friend?" Maya said, moving her attention to the doorway, but it was empty, unlike last time when Bellamy tagged along with Jasper. "Oh." She trailed softly.

"Bellamy?" Jasper asked. Maya nodded.

"I just thought since he drove you last time...." Maya trailed off, and Jasper nodded, but he silently hated the fact that Maya knew who Bellamy was right now. It almost made his stomach churn, but he pushed those feelings away so he could focus on Maya instead. Her eyes were darker than normal, and her skin pallid. She yawned, stretching her arms over her head as her back arched slightly. "How have things been going?" Maya asked.

"Oh, school is okay. I've been trying to get a better grade in physics, but I don't think I'm going to get anything higher than a C. I like chemistry a lot more anyways."

"Why  _ did _ you take a physics class?" Maya said with a meek laugh.

"Monty was taking it... so I took it." Jasper said with a slight flush on his cheeks. "I didn't think it was going to be so hard. Cisowski really hates me in that class, so I'm just gonna ride out this grade until next semester. How are you feeling?"

Maya hesitated. "I'm okay. I want to get home right now, though. I've missed enough work to make me antsy, y’know. I just feel a little trapped here. I haven't been able to leave my room for days. I have one more day, but it feels like forever."

"Hey." Jasper leaned forward, pressing his forehead against her own. Their fingers laced together, warmth spreading from one another’s fingers. He sighed. "When you get out of this place and get better, we're gonna go on so many dates. I'll treat you to ice cream and art museums galore."

"You're so cheesy." Maya said, pulling away suddenly so she could cough into her arm. Jasper furrowed his brows.

"Isn't the medicine supposed to help with that? Are you sick?” He said. Maya shook her head.

"It  _ is  _ helping, I haven't coughed like that in a while." She said, looking to her left and picking underneath her fingernails.

"Well, I hope it passes soon." Jasper feigned a quick smile, and then he stumbled over his words. He couldn't figure out what to say anymore. Everything he thought of was overshadowed by the fact that Maya was lying to him again. He almost wanted to talk about Bellamy, but the last thing he wanted Maya to know was that he was friends with somebody like that. Jasper didn't even want to admit it to himself. He wondered if Bellamy even cared if they stopped talking. It seemed like Bellamy prided himself on the distance he kept from others, so Bellamy probably didn't care about him leaving either. That must have been why he told Jasper that story; to scare him and keep him away. Jasper debated even going to the bookstore some days. It didn’t seem worth it to sit on the floor of the store and pretend he wasn’t scared. Of course, Monty liked to ask Jasper why he even kept going. If Jasper was so scared, why did he keep going back?

Maya started talking about nothing in particular, something about a show she was watching, something else about her father, and then work. Jasper tried to focus on her words, nodding along and adding in little bits of affirmation when he had to, but the reality was, he was now fixated on Bellamy Blake and the story he had told Jasper. Jasper didn't think he was overreacting when it came to this kind of thing. Being told your friend murdered somebody, multiple somebodies, was more than a little shocking, to say the least. Monty guiltily admitted he had heard a thing or two, though he didn’t seem to have the same kind of reaction Jasper did to it. A pang of guilt hit Jasper when he remembered that he had been harassing Bellamy about his past from the first moment he met him, and now that he knew, he was leaving him in the dust. But this was how any normal person would respond. Bellamy said so himself!

Shortly afterwards, the doctor came in and escorted Jasper out, but not before he could give Maya a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Jasper ambled along mindlessly now, somehow finding the exit to the hospital after wandering downstairs instead of taking the elevator. He had his phone in his hands, debating on whether or not to call Monty, but he changed his mind, and instead dialed a different number. He pulled his phone up to his ear, holding it until he heard the familiar sound of Bellamy's voice.

"Jasper?" He said, panting breaths echoing through his line of the conversation.

“Bellamy.” Jasper responded, smacking his palm onto his forehead in embarrassment over his stupid response.

“What are you calling for?” Bellamy said, his voice still sounding sharp and out of breath.

"I want to hear another story."

"There’s no way in hell I’m telling you anything." Bellamy said, his voice coming in quiet increments. "I'm busy. Can’t we talk later?"

"I want to talk now." Jasper snapped.

"Jasper, I'm  _ really  _ busy now." Bellamy said, his voice sounding low before Jasper heard Bellamy say something in protest, and then another new voice came on the other line.

"He's busy with  _ someone _ , goggles." Murphy's voice came, and Jasper shivered at the sound of his voice, immediately hanging up the phone and stuffing it away in his pocket.

_ Okay. Ew. _

Jasper had just called right in the middle of Bellamy's and Murphy's... whatever the hell they were doing. He knew what they were doing. He almost felt like he had to wash his phone after that, calling Monty instead and asking for a ride back home.

_ There goes that trip to the bookstore _ , Jasper thought, again shivering when he thought of Murphy's winded voice speaking to him, puzzle pieces fitting together when he realized Bellamy and Murphy were together  _ together _ . Leave it to Bellamy to answer during such an awkward moment _ , _ Jasper thought.

* * *

 

Murphy pulled a cigarette out of the pocket of his leather jacket hanging off of the couch, pulling his jeans back up to his hips while Bellamy grabbed his own and slid them on. Bellamy threw Murphy's shirt in his face as he took a lighter to his cigarette.

"Don't smoke in here." Bellamy snapped. Murphy pushed his shirt off of his face, lighting the cigarette still and taking a long puff. He sighed through his nose, smoke trailing out of his nostrils before he put the cigarette to his lips again. "Dick." Bellamy said.

"Remember that movie about the kids with cancer, and one of them wasted cigarettes trying to be cool?" Murphy said.

" _ The Fault in Our Stars.  _ It was a book before it was a movie." Bellamy said, recalling reading the book the first night it came in. He didn't particularly enjoy it, but it wasn't awful either. He expected that sort of thing from a young adult novel anyways. "What about it?"

"It was stupid. That kid wasted all those cigarettes trying to be cool and make them out to be metaphors." Murphy shook his head and took another long drag, tapping his finger against the cigarette and watching the ashes drop onto Bellamy's floor. "It's a fucking cancer stick. There's nothing romantic about them."

"Coming from the biggest romantic there is." Bellamy said. Murphy snorted.

"Oh, I’m the romantic? Not the bookstore owner?" Murphy corrected, and Bellamy shook his head, trying to hold back a smile on his face. He was a little disgusted with himself, having slept with Murphy after spending so long acting like he was sick of him, but he guessed he was still stuck in his old ways. Murphy didn't seem to have an issue with it, as he was usually the first one to say they should have sex, so Bellamy finally took advantage of it. Now he stood in his kitchen, staring at Murphy who laid on his couch puffing away at a cigarette. It was almost like old times. For the first time in his life, Bellamy was hoping and praying that Octavia stayed out late so she didn’t come home to  _ this _ . "That Jasper kid called you right in the middle of us fucking." Murphy held up Bellamy's phone, shaking it in his hand. "Guess you should call him back, hm?"

"Shut up." Bellamy walked over and snatched the phone out of his hand.

"He said something about a story, right? Your phone is really loud." Murphy remarked. Bellamy held back a protest in his throat. "Are you two fucking?" Murphy spat out the last word, noticing how Bellamy visibly tensed at his words, but immediately shook his head in response.

"He's just a customer." Bellamy said.

"A customer with my pocketknife." Murphy added, and Bellamy shot him a glare.

"You dropped it. As far as we both knew, you didn't want it anymore. You told him he could have it."

"I bet you fought real hard for it too." Murphy said with venom in his voice, and Bellamy held his tongue. "Don't worry, that kid tried to play it off like he pocketed it from you. Is he a fucking idiot, or what?”

"Hey." Bellamy said with a warning tone. "I get that I gave up your knife, but that kid had nothing to do with it. If he had a choice, he would have been out of there the moment he laid eyes on you. He's not an idiot."

"Awfully defensive of somebody you're not fucking." Murphy grumbled.

"I can be defensive of a friend." Bellamy hesitated on the last word, but Murphy didn't need to know about what he and Jasper talked about. As far as Murphy was concerned, Jasper really was just another customer, and that was all he had to worry about.

"But you said he's a customer." Murphy smirked, and Bellamy rolled his eyes, walking over to Murphy and pulling the cigarette out from between his lips. Murphy protested, watching as Bellamy took it to the sink and drowned it in water.

"I told you not to fucking smoke in here. The smell makes me sick."

"Never used to." Murphy said, leaning over the couch. "You used to smoke like a freight train."

"Yeah, I used to do a lot of shit." Bellamy walked over, holding onto Murphy's chin and keeping him there. Murphy's half lidded eyes almost made Bellamy want to throw him down on the couch and go for another round, but he shook his head and pushed Murphy onto his back. "Put your shirt on and get out of here."

Murphy shook his head, lying on his back, and stretching his legs out for extra measure. Bellamy walked around the couch, grabbing onto Murphy's wrists over his head before he looked into Murphy's blue eyes, stopping in his tracks. He could feel Murphy's breaths ghosting his lips from how close they were, and after a second more, he leaned in and kissed him roughly again. Murphy let out a soft noise in his throat, but smiled into the kiss as Bellamy's fingers fumbled with the button on Murphy's jeans. They hardly parted for a second afterwards, only so Bellamy could grimace and take a long inhale.

"You taste like cigarettes." Bellamy grumbled, and Murphy pulled him in for another kiss.

"Yet you're still going." Murphy rutted his hips against Bellamy's own as he slotted himself between Murphy's legs, a quiet moan leaving Bellamy's lips before he nodded.

"Again." Bellamy growled, and Murphy did as he was told.

* * *

 

Jasper waited. He waited days. He waited for the moment Bellamy Blake would look at him and say something, anything to him, but it seemed as if Bellamy was done playing nice, saying hello and goodbye while Jasper ignored him.

Bellamy sat at the register, leaning back and reading a magazine in front of him while chewing gum. Jasper had been staring at him the entire time he was there, minutes passing when he realized he went there to read, and drew his attention back to his book. His fingers gripped onto the book tightly as he tried to figure out what exactly he did to alienate Bellamy from him. Yes, obviously he had been put off with the story Bellamy so casually told him after getting drunk together, but he never let Bellamy know that he was disillusioned with him. Even if Bellamy did happen to know, the way he acted said he wouldn’t have cared if Jasper stopped speaking to him.

Besides that fact, Jasper had called and demanded another story, during a particularly bad time, but that didn't give Bellamy a reason to not speak to him, did it?

Bellamy sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before the door to the bookstore opened, a group of people walking and chattering softly. Bellamy's eyes lit up, and he smiled tenderly. Jasper followed Bellamy's gaze to Clarke Griffin, the only one Bellamy had eyes for in the crowd of people, her blonde hair held back by a tight french braid and eyes bright as she greeted him.

"Clarke, long time no see." Bellamy grinned. Jasper almost sighed at the sound of Bellamy's voice; it had been so long since he said anything other than the normal "welcome to the store" phrase Bellamy said to every other person that walked in. Jasper watched curiously, eyes darting between Clarke and Bellamy while Clarke tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and leaned forward, a smile on her face. Jasper could only catch bits of things she said to Bellamy, and only parts of what Bellamy said as well. Finn, one of the few of the group, leaned against the counter and smiled when Bellamy noticed him. Bellamy's smile only faltered for a second, and during that short moment, Jasper swore he thought that Bellamy looked at him. Still, it hardly lasted before Bellamy was back to chattering with them, a wide grin on his face. Clarke reached forward, grabbing his hand and holding onto it before she let it slip from her hold. Jasper furrowed his brows after noticing how happy Bellamy looked once she reached out for him, and Jasper forced himself to focus on his book. With all the people in the store, picking up textbooks and talking, Jasper couldn't focus, even less than before. He stood up, stuffing his things away in his bag and walking to the door when he heard a voice call after him. The voice wasn’t Bellamy's though.

"Jasper, you didn't come out the other night." Clarke said, still standing at the counter with Finn and Bellamy beside her.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." He said dumbly.

"We heard about what happened with your girlfriend. We're really sorry, but if you need anything at all-"

"Who told you?" Jasper asked, and his eyes trailed presumptuously to Bellamy, who still wasn't looking at him.

"Monty did. We don't know your girlfriend really well, but if you two ever feel like coming out with us, we're cool with that." Clarke said, gesturing towards the group of friends they brought along. "We missed you for pizza the other night, but we're gonna have a party this weekend at Finn's. It’d be really cool if you came.”

Jasper nodded before he pointed at Bellamy.

"You invited him, right?"

"Well, yeah, but he probably won't come." Clarke punched Bellamy in the shoulder, and he laughed, rubbing his arm where she hit him. "He's such a crotchety old man. All he does is drink by himself."

"I won’t be there, then." Jasper said, making sure to savor the moment Bellamy's gaze shot towards him, a glare immediately meeting Jasper before he closed the bookstore door behind him and started up the sidewalk. He huffed in annoyance, balling his hand into a fist in his pocket. If Bellamy wanted to be petty, then Jasper could do the same.

Clarke turned to Bellamy, a confused look on her face.

"Weren't you two friendly a couple weeks ago?" She said. Bellamy shrugged. "C'mon, don't pull that. I saw you talking to him."

"He's just a customer." Bellamy lied.

"You scared him off, didn't you?" Finn asked knowingly. Bellamy sighed, figuring it was futile to try and argue with somebody like Finn. Finn had always had a strong resolve for the truth, which was why he could read people like the back of his hand. While Finn was in the gang with Bellamy, he was the best person to go to whenever Bellamy needed help with decisions about anything-- where to move product, who to trust and who to give up -- Finn was it. "You  _ did _ ."

"He wanted to know." Bellamy replied. "He asked, a-and I didn't think it was such a big deal to tell him since he wanted to know so badly."

"He's a kid." Finn said, Clarke looking lost through their entire conversation. "What'd you tell him about? What we did? Where we met?"

"Jasper wanted to know about Murphy, so I told him." Bellamy spat out the last part. "There."

"Holy shit." Finn held back a laugh in disbelief. " _ Murphy _ ? You make a new friend, and the first thing you tell him about is  _ Murphy _ ?"

"He came in once when Murphy was here." Bellamy hissed, and Clarke had finally understood. She knew everything about Bellamy's gang, the things they did together, and she knew very well that Finn was in it, along with a few other people, like John Murphy. Taking the opportunity to ignore the conversation, she joined the others in their search for books. Bellamy almost scoffed at her. She never wanted to hear about the gang, and now she acted like she had never even heard Bellamy talk about it. "Murphy was trying to get me to move shit in here."

" _ In here _ ?" Finn said.

"Yeah. He was gonna leave stuff in books, books with the fucking pages cut out so he can leave little bags in them." Bellamy sighed and pushed his hair back. "He said dealing has been really hard on the streets now that the cops are patrolling his places."

"You didn't feel  _ bad  _ for him, did you?" Finn asked, and then immediately groaned when he recognized the hesitant look on Bellamy's face. "Oh my god, you felt bad for John Murphy of all people."

"I didn't feel bad, I just knew that he wouldn't have tried if it weren't really bad out there." Bellamy furrowed his brows. "He said Mbege was arrested for holding the other night."

"I thought Mbege was done with the gang." Finn said.

"I thought so too, but apparently Mbege needed money." Bellamy's head was starting to hurt from everything he was thinking about. "Anyway, Murphy was trying to scare me into moving his stuff in here, but Jasper walked in and saw him.... Jasper kept asking about Murphy, about everything, and the other night, I fucking buckled and told him. After that he looked at me... different." Bellamy trailed off, and Finn nodded in understanding. "I get that I scared him, but he asked. And besides that, if he's so scared, why doesn't he just stop coming around?" Bellamy was asking out loud, rather than actually looking for an answer, but Finn was ready with one anyways.

"Maybe he's not as scared as you think?” Finn shrugged. “Maybe he’s curious.”

"About what?"

"The gang. I mean, you only told him about Murphy. Let's be real, Murphy is the worst part you could tell him about the gang. Tell him about one of the better parts."

"Oh, like that's gonna make me fall into his good graces again." Bellamy said sarcastically. "It’s not even that big of a deal, just annoying that he keeps coming back here. He should just run off with his tail between his legs if he’s so scared."

"You sound like you used to back in the gang." Finn smiled, and Bellamy hid his face in embarrassment. "He's a kid, Bell. He probably thought real gangs only existed in big scary cities. Besides that, man, you're the owner of a bookstore. Who would ever suspect the owner of a bookstore being anymore than that?"

* * *

 

Maya's home was even more dreary than the hospital, Jasper thought sometimes. When she wasn't there to take care of the house, clean up or just make it feel warmer and more comfortable, it was sad and depressing. Her father did his best to take care of the home, but with his job and taking care of the rest of their property, he didn't dedicate his time to vacuuming or doing dishes. Maya took it upon herself to ensure the house stayed as organized as possible.

She had been home for a couple of days though, and it was still as sad and dreary as it was the night Jasper came to find her with Monty.

Sitting there in her house while she slept was equally as disconcerting. She had a bandage wrapped from her wrist to the top of her arm, which she said was from a flare up she wanted to hide, but her father asked Jasper to leave while they changed the wraps, which didn't make sense. Lupus rashes weren't even  _ contagious _ . But Jasper did as he was told, waiting outside of her room and looking around the quiet home. He sighed, checking his phone when he noticed a new message from Bellamy, the one person he hadn't spoken to for two weeks. He knew what he said when Clarke was there most definitely pissed Bellamy off by the look on his face, and since then, Jasper hadn't gone near the bookstore, not even to look in and see what Bellamy was doing, despite his ever growing curiosity. His afternoons were mostly boring now that he had nothing better to do, but he figured if Bellamy wanted to be a jerk to him, he could equally be a jerk back.

Childish, Jasper knew that, but he couldn't help feeling just a little childish.

> Bellamy: Did you tell anybody else about Murphy?
> 
> Jasper furrowed his brows, immediately typing a response even though Bellamy had messaged him hours earlier.
> 
> Jasper: Um, no? Care to elaborate?
> 
> Bellamy: Did you tell Monty the story about Murphy? The shit I told you that night?
> 
> Jasper: Like I said, no. Again, care to elaborate???
> 
> Bellamy: He's asking me about him, that's why I'm asking, dick. Listen, if you told him after I told you not to tell anybody, we can just stop talking.
> 
> Jasper: Oh, because we're talking so much now?
> 
> Bellamy: That was your choice.
> 
> Jasper: Really? My choice, that's funny.
> 
> Bellamy: I'm not arguing with you. Tell your boyfriend to lay off.
> 
> Jasper: You're a dick.
> 
> Bellamy: At least I can keep secrets. I wasn't the one that told everyone about your girlfriend, even though you thought it was me.
> 
> Jasper: Never said that, haha.
> 
> Bellamy: I saw you look at me when Clarke mentioned it. You're not subtle at all.
> 
> Jasper: I'll leave you alone. Thanks a lot.
> 
> Bellamy: Likewise.

Jasper huffed in irritation, immediately writing another message in anger.

> Jasper: You know, maybe I would talk to you more if I weren't scared of you.

The message said Bellamy read it, but he didn't respond.

> Jasper: Maybe if you hadn't just dumped all that shit on me while I was drunk, I'd be a little more understanding.

Again, read.

> Jasper: But you just started talking about how you were in a gang, which wasn't that big of a deal, but then there were drugs, and human trafficking, and holy fucking shit, you almost killed someone??? But you're just gonna expect me to go back like everything is normal???

Now Bellamy typed in response to Jasper's long messages, and Jasper stood back, waiting for a response when Maya's room door opened. Her dad came out with her previous wraps balled up in a bag, and he frowned deeply before noticing Jasper standing beside the door.

"How is her arm?" Jasper asked, stuffing his phone away in his pocket and noticing the way her father's eyebrows were furrowed in frustration.

"I’m taking her back to the hospital tonight. It's not healing the way it's supposed to be, and the doctors said if it didn't, we'd have to go back for a higher dosage of medication." He explained as Jasper followed him downstairs, hanging on every word of his. Jasper wasn't sure if he'd be able to spend another minute in the hospital with Maya.

"Wait, what isn’t healing the way it’s supposed to be? Her arm? And when are you taking her?"

"An hour. I'm going to call her doctor now. You should leave, Jasper." He said, before walking into the kitchen and leaving Jasper to his own devices in the living room. He trudged upstairs, following the stairs and finally peeking into Maya's room. She was packing a bag of things, making Jasper furrow his brows before he knocked.

"You're packing?" Jasper asked. Maya jumped a little at his voice, but stuffed her clothes away even faster.

"Er, yeah. My dad said this one will take a little longer so they can bring the inflammation on my arm down. It's no big deal." Maya gave Jasper a small, awkward smile as she stumbled over her words. "Listen, Jasper, you don't have to keep visiting me at the hospital. I know how much of a bummer it can be to sit there around sick people, and-"

"I  _ want  _ to visit you." Jasper interjected. "You're my girlfriend, I want to make sure that you're okay."

"I don't think you'll be able to see me for a while this time." Maya admitted. Jasper's words caught in his throat, along with his breath, and he struggled to figure out what to say. Finally, he settled on the easiest phrase he could think of.

"Why?"

"Just because.... You should do things you like. Go see your friends, hang around, read some books for me." Maya smiled. "I'll be okay."

Jasper struggled to find the words, his chest tight and his fists balling up in his pockets. Eventually, he parted his lips and spoke before he regretted it. "You've been lying to me, haven't you?"

"Huh?"

"Since you went to the hospital, you've been lying to me. You've been saying that you're okay, and that there's nothing wrong, but... I can tell you’re lying."

"Jasper, I.... I'm not doing it to hurt you." Maya finally admitted it, shaking her head and holding her arm wrapped in the bandage. "I'm just trying to figure out what it is on my own. I don't need you to worry about me."

"I'm worried about you because I love you." Jasper said. "I want to know how you are."

"I'll talk to you once I get cleared from this rash, okay?" Maya said, trying to coax Jasper with a sweet voice, but he wasn't budging. Instead, he took a step forward and tried to hug her, but she stepped back, far away from him into her wall instead. He noticed that she was trembling, body shaking as she shook her head.

"You  _ are  _ lying to me." Jasper mumbled. Maya shook her head again, but Jasper had already turned his back on her and bound down the stairs, hardly paying her protests any mind as he walked out and jumped into Monty's car. Monty had loaned it to him for the day, and now, Jasper had the liberty of driving off angrily. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, two new messages: one from Bellamy, and another from Monty. Jasper opened Monty's first, though it was only a little blurb about him going out with Clarke and them for lunch. Jasper opened the next message from Bellamy, reading and rereading the words until he felt his heart sink in his chest.

> Bellamy: I trusted you.

* * *

 

Another week went without Jasper stopping by, Bellamy noticed, even after their short dispute over text, though he didn't particularly mind. Business had started picking up again, so he had things to do, like stocking and ordering books for people. Text books were in high demand again, both renting and buying, so Bellamy was able to keep busy with that for the most part.

But that week, he had realized just how empty he felt again. Jasper was nothing more than a friend, of course, but he was someone to talk to, and Bellamy had to admit that seeing him did make him just a little happy. No matter how much Bellamy tried to say he was "just a customer", he couldn't convince himself of that fact.

Bellamy shoveled a spoonful of Cheerios into his mouth, munching loudly while Octavia sat beside him, watching some TV show on Netflix and impatiently tapping her fingers on the remote before she stopped the show and took a deep breath. Bellamy knew what was coming already, so he shoveled another spoon of cereal into his mouth before he said something rude and unnecessary to her.

"Were you serious about letting me study abroad?" She asked. Bellamy nodded, ignoring the twisting feeling in his gut as he tried to focus on something else. He wished Octavia had just left the TV show on, that way he could focus on that and pretend like he was fine with her being across the world, far away from him and his protective grips. But Bellamy swallowed the mouthful of cereal, Octavia already going off about how amazing and unique of an experience it was going to be for her. Truth be told, he almost didn't want to hear about it, but he knew that he would have to take care of it sooner or later. She was going to need him to take her to the airport, pay for some of her things, and call her while she was overseas. Thinking about those kinds of things made him anxious already.

He was going to miss her. The house easily turned lonely and quiet, and the store even quieter. Bellamy was going to hate it.

"Hey, big brother." Octavia said, and Bellamy looked up from his cereal bowl. "Thanks for being so cool about it. I know it’s really hard for you to, y’know, let me do stuff like this." Octavia grinned, standing up and pulling Bellamy into an awkward side hug before she kissed his cheek and ran off to the bathroom. Bellamy took another bite of cereal, having not said anything the entire time, and grabbing his phone from beside him. Still nothing from anybody he cared about. Murphy hadn't been around to bother him either, so he didn't even have the displeasure of dealing with John Murphy during the empty two weeks of time.

Bellamy grabbed the remote from the couch, changing to his own account and turning on The Twilight Zone. He was preparing for another long, sleepless night where he could avoid everything for a while. He thought it was ironic that the only time he found solace from his problems was while he was awake and sleep deprived. It should have been any other way around. Still, Bellamy didn't mind staying awake for hours to avoid the nightmares, or anything else that may bother him.

The only thing Bellamy definitely couldn't avoid while he was awake, though, was his hyper-awareness of the fact that he hadn't spoken to Jasper in weeks, and he missed him.

_ Ugh _ . Feelings.

Without a moment of hesitation, Bellamy stuffed away the last of his cereal and then approached the sink to dump the rest of the milk away. He reached for the cupboard, finding a brand new bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, immediately popping off the top and drinking straight from the bottle. He hoped Octavia stayed in her room, just because she really hated seeing Bellamy drink. He asked her out of sheer curiosity why she hated it once and she said it was because she felt as if Bellamy went to alcohol as a first resort instead of a last resort, and he dealt with all of his problems that way. Bellamy joked about how his liver could take a beating, but he was sure his health truly bothered Octavia because of how much he drank. That being said, he wasn't going to stop any time soon. He wouldn't drink right in front of her, though. He promised that, at least.

Bellamy nursed the bottle of Bailey’s as if it were a lifeline, packing away half of the bottle before he set it down beside him on the couch and laid down on his side. That was another plus side of sleeping on the couch: he never had to go far when he was drunk. Kicking off his shoes, Bellamy groaned and ran a hand over his sweat-ridden face as he tugged his shirt off over his head. The TV was awfully bright now, but he couldn't work up the energy to grab the remote on the other side of the couch. His head was already starting to ache. He must have been so used to chugging down a fifth of Jack Daniels every week that drinking anything less or more than that sent his body into a state of confusion.

Still, Bellamy loved the way the milky liquid ran down his throat, how it lingered on the back of his tongue. Bellamy reached for the bottle again, taking another swig and letting his eyes close as he savored the burn of alcohol. He wanted to drink until he passed out, but he remembered that Octavia had plans in the morning, and he would have to watch the store. He set the bottle down again, lying back on the couch again and staring at the ceiling. He wanted to talk to somebody. Jasper had been right all those weeks ago when he said Bellamy was talkative when he was drunk; he liked talking about anything with people, even if he was subdued and relaxed when it came to the conversations.  _ How unfair _ , Bellamy thought, _ that Jasper can just leave the stories whenever he wants to. I still want to keep telling them. _

Bellamy's hand darted for his phone, opening up his messages against his better judgment and typing one out to Jasper. He debated sending it before he felt a sudden wave of confidence, and hit send. Then he tossed his phone to the other side of the couch, turning on his right side and lying with his back to the TV. The TV was so bright, he couldn't even keep his eyes open, or at least that was what Bellamy told himself as he passed out for the night.

The next morning came too fast for Bellamy, a headache already slowing him down as Octavia woke him up with a disappointed look on her face. She hugged him, kissed his cheek, and then said goodbye before she headed out to her plans for the day. Bellamy was trying to remember what she was doing-- something about a concert outside, a festival? -- but he couldn't quite remember what she had told him. She left before he could work up the energy to ask.

Bellamy trudged the rest of the way to the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind him and starting the hot water. Before he even thought about opening the store, he had to try and feel like a human being, at the very least. He inhaled the steam that was already starting to build up in the small bathroom, sighing when he remembered that he'd have to close the store too. He should look for more employees. Then he'd be able to put them on for closing, or for opening shifts. With Octavia leaving soon as well, he'd  _ have  _ to find at least one other person to work on the weekends.

Bellamy yawned and stripped his clothes off as quickly as he could, jumping into the shower without a second thought. The hot water woke him up, to say the least, as he hissed and turned the knob to the cold side just enough so he wasn't burning underneath the scalding water. The steam was nice, though. It helped him try to sweat out whatever alcohol was left the next morning, and besides that, showers were relaxing.

He tried to remember everything he had done the night before. He distinctly remembered chugging down some Bailey's, but other than that, most of the night was boring, if he was remembering right. He furrowed his brows as he started scrubbing shampoo into his hair. The bubbles ran down his forehead, so Bellamy clenched his eyes shut as he let it sit for a minute. He remembered eating cereal, sitting on the couch, watching TV and talking to Octavia about something.... He remembered grabbing his phone, and typing pretty passionately about... something? He let the water run through his hair now, and then snapped his eyes open when he remembered sending a drunken text to Jasper at whatever time he was awake last night. The bubbles pooled in his eyes, and he hissed, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

"Fuck!"

After rubbing his eyes raw and then finishing up in the shower, Bellamy tied a towel to his waist and darted for his phone. He searched for it on the couch, pulling the cushions off of the couch until he found it hidden under the last one. The first thing he saw were an abundance of messages from Jasper, and a few from other people, including a number he had never saved in his phone before, and another from Raven. Bellamy's priorities were set, though, as he opened the messages from Jasper, swiping up to see the message he had sent first.

> Bellamy: i regret telling you anything about myself.

Bellamy let out a sigh of disappointment, wishing he had the strength while he was drunk not to say cheesy things like that. He felt like he had said the same thing just last night, something about how much he hated how talkative he was when he was drunk. Bellamy rubbed his eyes, the sting still lingering before he forced himself to read the messages Jasper had sent.

> Jasper: Listen, I get that I reacted badly, but you couldn't have just expected me to pretend like everything was still the same.

Bellamy expected more messages from Jasper, but instead, was greeted with messages  _ he  _ had sent.  _ Oh god,  _ Bellamy cringed.  _ I sent him messages while I was drunk, I don't even remember sending these ones. _

> Bellamy: didn't want the same from you. you act like every bo dy else does.
> 
> Jasper: Are you okay?
> 
> Jasper: You're drunk, aren't you?
> 
> Bellamy: so what if i am, your missing my point.
> 
> Jasper: Your point is that I should feel bad for being scared of you.
> 
> Bellamy: i don't want you to feel bad, i want you to under stand.
> 
> Jasper: Understand what?
> 
> Bellamy: you only heard one story.
> 
> Jasper: I asked for more.
> 
> Bellamy: but you don't come around any more, how am i suppose d to tell you?
> 
> Jasper: I guess I haven't been there lately.
> 
> Jasper: Also, Monty heard the story that same night. He told me a while ago he heard you. I just didn’t want you to get mad at him.
> 
> Jasper: Maybe Monty isn't scared of you. Tell him more stories.
> 
> Jasper: Hello? Did you pass out?
> 
> Jasper: ....I guess, maybe I was just shocked hearing those things from someone like you.
> 
> Jasper: You own a bookstore in a little town like this, and you treated me really kindly from the first moment I met you. I mean, as kind as you can be. So hearing about that stuff, knowing you did that, it's kind of weird.
> 
> Jasper: I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of what you did.
> 
> Jasper: Hello?
> 
> Bellamy: i dont want to tell monty stories i want to talk to you
> 
> Jasper: I could try coming in tomorrow. Will you be there?
> 
> Jasper: Bellamy?
> 
> Jasper: Hello?

Bellamy felt his face flushing, warm and bright red as he quickly typed out a message to Jasper, but debated sending it. He hit send before he could think about it any more than he already had.

> Bellamy: Sorry. I was drunk. Passed out. You don't need to talk to me.

As if expecting Bellamy's message, Jasper responded quickly.

> Jasper: Good morning. Hungover?
> 
> Bellamy: No. Didn't drink enough.
> 
> Jasper: Want to tell me more stories?
> 
> Bellamy: Not particularly.
> 
> Jasper: You sure about that? You seemed pretty adamant about it last night.
> 
> Bellamy: Just drunk.
> 
> Jasper: Bellamy.
> 
> Bellamy: Yes?
> 
> Jasper: We should talk. It's been weeks.
> 
> Bellamy: You're the one not speaking to me.
> 
> Jasper: I know. I don't think I have anything to do today. I want to see you.
> 
> Bellamy: I'm working all day. Feel free to stop by whenever you want. Or don’t. I don't care.
> 
> Jasper: :')

Bellamy read that message, feeling his chest tighten at the prospect of having to talk about his past again. He wanted to so badly last night, but the reality of it was that he wasn't sure if it was going to scare Jasper away again. What happened to Murphy was the worst of it, or at least he thought so. Would Jasper ask questions? Would he be curious about any of it? Did he really want to listen to JAsper, or was he just 

Before Bellamy could think about it anymore, he opened the message from Raven.

> Raven: leaving town. don't look 4 me.

He didn't have anything to say to that.

Finally, he opened the message from the unknown number.

> Unknown: still need a place to move shipment.

Bellamy damned himself for not realizing the only person it could have been was Murphy. Of course Murphy would be stupid enough to message Bellamy's personal number about this kind of thing. He deleted the message without responding to anything he said, not wanting any sort of trouble that Murphy didn't mind getting into every now and then. Bellamy's phone vibrated again, another message from Jasper.

> Jasper: I forgot I have something to do this morning. I’ll be there before you close!

With that last message, Bellamy tossed his phone back on the couch and walked to the closet where he kept his clothes. He pulled out an outfit, trying his best to ignore the ecstatic feeling in his chest when he realized that he'd be able to talk to  _ Jasper  _ again, as closely as he had been before. After all, he hadn't had a friend in such a long time, he missed the feeling of looking forward to seeing somebody. As nice as Monty was, Bellamy didn't really want to talk to Monty about what had happened before, despite Monty's constant curiosity on the subject. He had come in once to apologize for Jasper, and after that, to ask Bellamy about what had happened after that. Bellamy hadn't told him anything, and expected Monty to leave after that, but even after Bellamy tried to shoo him away like he did with Jasper, Monty remained and started asking different questions instead.

Bellamy pulled on his shirt and pants, finally ready to get downstairs and open the shop for the day. He hoped it wouldn't be as busy as it was recently. He wanted to be able to talk to Jasper as much as possible.

* * *

 

The store was bustling, a few people walking in and others walking out as Bellamy leaned on the counter, ringing people up one by one and stuffing their things away in bags. He'd heard there was a music festival in town, which must have been what Octavia went to, and why there were so many people walking the streets. Their small town had rare events every year, but this one brought in business, so Bellamy liked it. The only thing he really hated about all the business was the constant chiming of the bell at the door. He even took it off the hook after three hours of listening to it  _ ding! ding! ding! ding!  _ over and over. People even continued coming in long after the posted closing time of 3:00 pm. Bellamy couldn’t quite bring it up when he knew they were making a nice profit.

He looked up from the register and noticed Monty walking in, a smile on his face as he approached Bellamy and sat in a stool off to the side of the register. He had taken to making himself at home in the store, and Bellamy couldn't say he minded. Having someone to talk to, other than Jasper, was nice, until Monty started asking questions about Murphy, or any of his past for that matter. But Monty knew better than to ask while there were people around. He wasn't clueless.

"How's business?" Monty asked.

"Gee, I don't know." Bellamy replied sarcastically before another pair of people came up with books in their hands. He rang them up, using the same typical spiel of phrases before they left and he turned to Monty. "Nothing better to do?"

"Jasper went to the hospital to see Maya."

"She's  _ still  _ in the hospital?" Bellamy said in disbelief. Monty lowered his voice when he noticed more people walking in.

"She was out a while ago, but then she had to go back a couple days later." Monty shrugged. "Jasper said it was just for a higher dose of medicine, but she's been in there for days, and they wouldn't even let him in to see her. Her dad couldn't even go in."

"Weird." Bellamy added, smiling when more people came to the register. He wished they would leave soon, since he had missed his lunch and his stomach growled and roared at him now.The sales were bringing in good money, though. Bellamy was thankful for that. "But he can visit her now?"

"No, he's just going to see if they'll let him in. I told him to just wait, but you know how he is." Monty leaned back against the wall. "It's pretty windy outside. I think it's gonna rain on the festival."

"Shut up, my sister's out there." Bellamy hissed. "The last thing she needs is a storm. I'll have to go out and pick her ass up."

"Well, actually, there are flood warnings in effect." Monty pointed to his phone screen. "Just got an alert.”

"Oh my god, do you not understand what "shut up" means?" Bellamy said, reaching over and punching Monty in the arm, but Monty laughed and rubbed his arm. 

"I'm sure Octavia will be fine. She can handle herself." Monty cocked his head, studying the way Bellamy tensed at his words before he nodded. “Hey, Bellamy? You know why I started talking to you, right?

"Because of my charming personality and haunting good looks." Bellamy's voice was dripping with sarcasm now. "No, I have no idea why you started talking to me. Figured you were like Jasper and couldn’t take a hint.”

"I've known Jasper my whole life. I honestly can't remember a time where Jasper wasn't in my life. He helped me a lot when my mom died, and I think I've helped him along with some of his own things." Monty chewed on his bottom lip, trying to gather his thoughts since it seemed like Bellamy was listening to him this time. Bellamy focused on him, waiting for something else before Monty decided to just spit out what he was thinking. "Point is that I care about Jasper. He kept talking about  _ you  _ all the time. I'm talking nonstop ever since he came home with that pocketknife. So I guess I just wanted to make sure you were a good person?”

"Well, do I pass your test, or am I a shitty person?" Bellamy said, trying to feign an uninterested tone. "Wouldn't be the first time someone thought I was a bad person.”

"You're a self-righteous jerk sometimes." Monty said, making Bellamy grimace at his words, but he continued nevertheless. "But you wouldn't hurt Jasper on purpose. He's stupidly trusting of everybody he meets, and he doesn't think before he does things sometimes, but... you’re a good guy."

"God, are you giving me a reading here, or are you getting to a point?" Bellamy huffed, but he couldn't deny the obvious blush on his cheeks. "No, I wouldn't hurt Jasper on purpose. It's not like he's promising me his hand in marriage here. I'm just his friend. I think." Bellamy tacked on the last part after he shook his head. "So, what, you only started talking to me to protect Jasper?"

"Yeah, at first. But I like talking to you too!" Monty admitted with a small smile. "I thought you didn't like talking to people, but once you get over your general personality, you're bearable." Bellamy's cheeks flushed brighter, and he turned his back on Monty to ring up a few customers before Monty could embarrass him anymore.

"You really know how to flatter somebody. Call them bearable.”

"To be fair, you’re a little mean sometimes.” Monty said, and Bellamy laughed this time. "Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you. Jasper told me to stop bugging you about, y’know,  _ that person _ , but it doesn't bother me like it bothers him." Monty said, waving his hand in front of him nonchalantly.

"You're just like Jasper. Neither of you know when to stop asking questions." Bellamy said under his breath. "My life isn't some TV show you guys can just catch up on whenever you feel like it."

"I know." Monty said. "But you're my friend now too. So if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm usually able to talk." Monty grinned before sighing and leaning back in the chair again. "I feel like getting wasted tonight, but I don't know if Jasper would want to. Drinking alone is kind of boring."

"I'm sure there are some parties around here for that festival." Bellamy said before he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He instinctively reached for it, finding a new message from Jasper.

> Jasper: wwhere's mmont y

Bellamy furrowed his brows, reaching his hand out to show Monty the message. Monty grabbed his own phone from his pocket, the sound turned off as he found an overwhelming amount of messages from Jasper. He read each one, color draining from his face as he went further down before he darted for his other pocket, pulling his keys out and standing up. Bellamy stood with him, a confused expression on his face before Monty tried to leave without a word. Bellamy grabbed him by his wrist, pulling him back, but the look on Monty's face kept him from pressing further.

"He's not okay." Monty mumbled, and then left without another word, the door to the store slowly swinging shut. Bellamy was left just as confused as before, and he resorted to grabbing his phone and typing a message to Jasper.

> Bellamy: He just saw your messages. What's wrong? Are you okay?

Jasper read the message, but he didn't respond, Bellamy noticed. He huffed in irritation, doubly so at the fact that he didn't have Monty's number, and couldn't even ask what was wrong from somebody coherent. He scanned the messages before that, Jasper seemingly normal and composed before he shrugged it off and sat back down at the register. He didn't have the energy to keep thinking about it when Jasper wasn't able to communicate it, and since he had to stay at the store, he couldn't just leave to find Jasper either. So Bellamy sat down instead, opting to focus on reordering books, and stocking when he had a chance. He sent a message to Octavia to see how she was doing, but he assumed she was having such a good time out that she didn't care about texting her brother back. That was fine though. She deserved some time to herself.

The store cleared after a few hours, Bellamy locking the doors so he could go upstairs and make himself something before he had to reopen for a couple more hours. He was thankful for the respite from the constant flowing of customers, but he didn't complain. The only thing bothering him now was the lack of messages from Jasper. He didn't want to admit it, but his chest was tight, and his stomach felt like it had knots in it at the thought of something happening to Jasper, especially after they had just started talking again. Bellamy's hand reached for the left side of his chest, tightening his grip before he sighed and realized just how ridiculous he was being. Jasper didn't owe him any explanation. Not after what happened. He just had to wait until Jasper told him, or if he never told Bellamy, that was okay too.

Time rolled on by, hours passing before the business died down again, and Bellamy sat at the register, eyes drooping every now and then. He looked at the clock. Though he could close whenever he wanted to, there was no way he would miss out on the idea of business and making a profit. So he decided to stay open for another hour. He yawned and stretched his arms over his head, starting towards the stairs where a few boxes of books sat. He could stock while he waited for the hour to slowly tick on by. He started with the most popular books, which flew off the shelves all day long. He was almost sick of seeing the same cover as people bought it, but he would deal with it if it meant more money for the store. Textbooks were in high demand as well, since students around their parts liked to pre-order and rent books early to get a head start.

Thunder pounded outside, and lightning flashed not even a moment later. Bellamy grabbed his phone again, seeing no new messages from Octavia. He took a deep breath, waiting before he called her again. He didn't want to bother her, but at the same time, he couldn't help feeling sick at the thought of Octavia being outside in this kind of weather. She could get sick or lost, and he would have to go pick her up before any creepy guys even looked her way. Bellamy huffed, stuffing more books on the shelves and opening a few up to display on top of the cases.

The wind was even worse than the thunder and the lightning. Bellamy noticed the lights flickering on and off, and he held his breath. He hated when the power went out. He absolutely hated it.

Somebody sniffled from the opposite side of the store, and Bellamy jumped, peering around the corner of the bookcase. A small figure sat on the floor, soaked hoodie pulled over their small body as water dripped from the sleeves of their jacket. Bellamy furrowed his brows, setting his books down and approaching the figure before hesitating. They sniffled again, and then hiccuped.

"Hello?" Bellamy said. The other person hardly budged, but they sniffled yet again. "It's almost time for me to close.... Do you need a cab or something?" Bellamy crouched, but kept his distance. "It's raining pretty hard out there."

"You're gonna kick me out just like that?" Bellamy heard Jasper's small voice echo, and his heart stopped, eyes widening as he reached forward for Jasper. Jasper was trembling, soaked to the bone while Bellamy tried to figure out what to say.

"Jasper?" Bellamy said.

"In the flesh." Jasper replied softly.

"You're all wet." Bellamy remarked. "You’re gonna catch a cold. What the hell is going on with you?" Bellamy said, but stopped himself short when Jasper turned to look at him, eyes dark and skin pale. He sighed and leaned his head forward on his knees.

"You're closing soon?" Jasper asked. Bellamy nodded. "Could I stay for a little while? I... can't go home."

"Why not? Where's Monty?"

"At home.... I don't want to see him right now." Jasper said. Bellamy sat back on his feet, trying to figure out what to say, but he couldn't spit anything out, so he stayed silent for the most part. Bellamy studied the way Jasper's hands tensed at his sides, how his knees knocked together when he wasn't leaning on them. It was raining outside, but it wasn't  _ that  _ cold, was it? Bellamy felt a pang of concern for Octavia suddenly, but she could wait until he dealt with the situation at hand. Bellamy took a deep breath, standing up and heading off in the direction of another bookcase. Jasper watched him, almost calling out his name, but didn't when he realized just how pathetic that would be. Instead, he stayed quiet, shivering underneath his freezing clothes. Bellamy reappeared from behind the bookcase, holding a book in his hands before he sat down with Jasper. He showed the book to Jasper, cover face up.

_ Moise and the World of Reason _ .

Jasper took the book gingerly in his hands, marveling at the old cover, the yellowing pages inside of it while he flipped his fingers through it. Bellamy watched him curiously, noticing the gleaming, glazed look in Jasper's eyes. He swore he was crying, but Bellamy really couldn't tell. Jasper held the book tightly, and then let a sob slip past his lips as he hiccuped again.

"Jasper." Bellamy said, and Jasper tensed at the sound of his voice, shoulders rising while he sobbed harder. The sound of Jasper crying practically made Bellamy's heart break, a frown growing on his face as he leaned forward and let his hand rest just beside Jasper. "What's wrong?"

"I....” Jasper’s voice broke with his single word, eyes searching for something in the texture of the floor beneath them, fingers twitching and tensing around the material of his jeans. “M-Maya, she....” Jasper looked up at Bellamy, bottom lip quivering as Bellamy pieced together the parts of the frantic day. Jasper’s texts, Monty’s reaction, the few and far between text messages. Monty even said Jasper was going to the hospital that morning.

"No." Bellamy said under his breath.

"She... she's-" Jasper broke out into tears again, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands while Bellamy struggled to figure out a way to comfort him, or at least show Jasper that he cared. He took another deep breath, and then retreated upstairs, bringing down a towel, a hoodie, a blanket, and a pair of pajama pants Bellamy hadn't worn in a long time. When he came downstairs, Jasper was in the same position as he was before, except he had the book in front of him, doing his best to keep it from getting wet.

"Hey." Bellamy said, taking the towel and wrapping it around Jasper's shaking shoulders. “I’m gonna close the store now, okay? Just... wait here.” He said, and Jasper nodded slowly, dropping the book at his side as Bellamy ran to the front door and locked it, grabbing his phone to find a new message from Octavia, reassuring him that she was at a friend's house for the night while the flooding passed. Bellamy was just silently thankful the store was on top of a hill in their town. He didn't have to worry about the flooding in the store. Then Bellamy rushed to the register, counting the cash for the day in record time, and deciding to make the deposit early in the morning when he had the time to. For now, he was focused on Jasper, who wasn't shaking anymore, but still sat in a small heap in the corner of the store. Bellamy walked over to Jasper again, reaching his hand out and shivering when Jasper's cold fingers slid over his own.

"You're freezing." Bellamy chided. Jasper stuttered now, bottom lip quivering from the cold as he tried his best to stay away from Bellamy, so he didn't get him wet. The towel was already damp from being around his shoulders. "Let's get upstairs and get changed, okay?"

"Okay." Jasper said easily, letting Bellamy lead the way upstairs while Jasper held the book in his hand as tightly as possible. Bellamy didn't say anything as he opened the door to their small home.

"The bathroom’s right there. Feel free to take a shower if you need to."

"I don't want to be alone." Jasper muttered.

"I'll be right out here." Bellamy said, though he wasn't sure what else to offer to Jasper. He couldn't just stand in the bathroom while Jasper changed. So he followed Jasper to the bathroom, standing just outside of the door and staring down at his feet. He let out a loud sigh to let Jasper know he was still there while he heard muffled sounds here and there before Jasper knocked on the door. Bellamy opened it, peering in for a moment before he finally caught sight of Jasper standing in his dry hoodie, and the pajama pants, which were small even for Jasper. Bellamy opened the door wide, and gestured towards the living room. Jasper waited, nodding at the sink.

"My clothes...." He said. Bellamy grabbed the pile of clothes and carried to another closet opposite of the bathroom and tossed them in the washer. Jasper stepped out of the bathroom, towel still in his hands, but Bellamy took it from him and gave him the blanket instead. Jasper sniffled and wiped his nose with his hand.

"C'mon. Do you want coffee, or-"

"Whiskey." Jasper said. Bellamy furrowed his brows and shook his head.

"N-no. You shouldn't be drinking right now."

"I want whiskey." Jasper repeated.

"Jas, you're not thinking straight. You don’t need to drink."

"You don't know what I need." Jasper snapped, but stopped when he saw the hurt look on Bellamy's face. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to say something mean and spiteful, but at the same time, all he wanted was Maya. He wanted somebody to hold him and tell him he was going to be okay, but she wasn't there. She wasn't there anymore, and he was alone. Bellamy walked into his kitchen after he let out an annoyed huff, grabbing his bottle of whiskey from the cupboard and setting it out. Then he pulled out one cup, setting that one down as well before he left the kitchen.

"You want to drink, then drink alone." Bellamy said firmly. "Drink until you think you feel better."

"I don't want to feel better." Jasper said, but he still poured himself a glass of whiskey. "It's not going to feel better."

Bellamy held his tongue, not daring to comment more on it that he already had. Instead, he sat down on the couch, pulling his knees in close while Jasper chugged down a glass of the whiskey, and then poured himself another. And he repeated the process over and over, Bellamy watching helplessly before Jasper finally meandered over to the couch and sat down with a drunken hiccup. Bellamy hid his face behind his arms in front of him. Jasper sighed, staring up at the ceiling without a word. Bellamy guessed he would have to sleep on the floor tonight, to make room for Jasper on the couch. Bellamy slid his phone from his pocket to see if there were any messages from Octavia, or anybody else for that matter. Sitting there with a drunken Jasper wasn't nearly as fun while he was sober. Octavia said she would be staying at her friends for the night, but other than that, there was nothing new. Bellamy almost wanted to ask Raven if she was safe from the flooding, but she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him, and he didn't want to press her more than he already had. That left-

"Murphy." Jasper said, and Bellamy jumped at the sound of his voice. "You were with Murphy last time I called." He said, and Bellamy held back the urge to stutter and stumble over his words. He took a deep breath before he nodded, though it didn't seem like Jasper was looking for an answer. He was just speaking out loud. "How was that?"

"What kind of question is that?" Bellamy snapped.

"An honest one." Jasper said. "I thought you hated Murphy. I thought you, uh, never wanted him around you."

"I never said that." Bellamy grumbled.

"But you act like it. It's confusing... how you act. You let people get close to you, and then you just shut down and act like they never meant anything to you in the first place. And then when they stop coming around, you're upset." Bellamy felt like an open book now, uncomfortably being read by Jasper as he hiccuped between his words and even burped once. He drank a lot all at once. Bellamy wouldn't be surprised if later he had to deal with Jasper throwing up. But that was for him to deal with later. "Don't you hate Murphy?"

"I don't hate him." Bellamy said, but the force he wanted to have behind his words wasn't there. Instead, he sounded unsure, scared. "I don't hate him."

"Do you tell yourself that while you're fucking him?"

"I get that it fucking hurts, and I know you're in pain right now, but that doesn't mean you have to dig through my personal shit. I know how fucked up it is." Bellamy noticed the way Jasper cocked his head as he looked at him, eyebrow raised slightly. Bellamy huffed in irritation. Jasper was drunk, he may as well indulge him. "Sometimes I get lonely. There, are you fucking happy? Sometimes I get lonely, and Murphy is there. Murphy's always there."

"Mm." Jasper grunted in satisfaction.

"Back in the gang I had all these people with me, but when I left, I left all of them. My friends after that were nonexistent. Octavia was still really distant from me, all I had was my mom. And when she... when she left, I had nobody again, except Murphy. I thought you would be a good friend and not ditch me as soon as you learned more about me, but I was wrong. When that happened, I just needed somebody. I needed someone, and... he was there again."

"Boo-hoo." Jasper mocked him, and Bellamy shot him a glare.

"Fuck you."

"That'd be a step up from Murphy." Jasper muttered, and Bellamy stood up faster than Jasper could blink, gripping the material of the hoodie in a fist as he jerked Jasper’s gaze towards him.

"Stop fucking talking about him." Bellamy said, and the look in Jasper's eyes made Bellamy feel guilty. Jasper was still scared of him. He let Jasper's shirt fall out of his grasp, and he sighed heavily.

"So being with Murphy makes you feel less lonely?" Jasper said, interrupting Bellamy's train of thought by jumping back to their previous subject. Bellamy damned him for being so rude while he was drunk.

"Being with  _ anybody _ makes me feel less lonely." Bellamy said, and Jasper grabbed his hand, pulling him closer before Bellamy could practically smell the alcohol on his breath. Bellamy shivered at the sensation of Jasper's warm breaths ghosting over his skin. He tried to pull away, but some part of him wasn't putting up a fight. "Jasper, don't do this."

"If we're both lonely-"

"Don't fucking do this." Bellamy said, more force behind his words as he jerked his hand out of Jasper's hold. "You're fucking drunk, I wouldn't-"

"So if I wasn't drunk?" Jasper slurred.

"I still wouldn't if you weren't fucking drunk because you're not thinking right. You think this is how you deal with this kind of thing? You think this is how you should act after-"

"Oh, and you know  _ so much _ about how I should be acting. I forgot." Jasper said with a laugh, finally hitting Bellamy's last nerve. He shook his head before he walked away from Jasper, storming down the hall and into the bathroom before he slammed the door shut behind him. He had to distance himself from Jasper before he became angry, embarrassed, or irritated any more. He pressed his back to the door, sliding down to his butt and letting out a sigh of resignation.

This wasn't what he wanted to be doing that night at all. He didn't want to be analyzed by a drunk person who knew too much about him, and he definitely didn't want to hear about that friend's loneliness right after... well, right after he lost the one person that meant that much to him. Bellamy ran his fingers through his hair before he finally composed himself and opened the bathroom door again. When he did, he found Jasper lying back on the couch, his phone in his hands as he muttered something quietly. Bellamy approached him again, sitting on the floor this time and keeping his back turned to Jasper. He slurred his words before Bellamy heard his groan and roll over on the loud, creaky couch. Bellamy glanced at him, hand darting out for the remote on the table in front of the couch and turning it on before Jasper had a chance to reach for it. He looked like he was out of it for the night, sides heaving up and down as he breathed steadily. Bellamy kept quiet, even turning the TV down, though he wasn't sure why. Jasper had been anything but nice to him all night. Jasper deserved to be treated the way he treated Bellamy.

But Bellamy couldn't bring himself to say anything rude. Instead, Bellamy turned to him again, and Jasper was snoring, finally asleep after everything. He let out a sigh of relief, pushing himself off of the ground and heading for the kitchen. As much as he denied it, his body was aching for a drink. He grabbed another bottle of whiskey that Jasper hadn't put his lips on, popping the cap off and taking a swig. He didn't want to be drunk. He just needed something that felt comfortable, because nothing else about this night was comfortable.

He tried to think of everything in order. Monty was worried hours earlier, meaning that Maya had... passed before Jasper ended up in the store. Bellamy knew that much, at least. He didn't even want to ask what had happened, and it seemed like Jasper wasn't particularly interested in divulging either. Bellamy thanked him for that at least. After what had happened with Monty, Jasper ended up in the store just before closing. Bellamy hadn't heard him walking in because the bell was still pulled off of its hook. He ended up in the furthest corner of the store, shivering and cold from the rain.... After that, everything seemed like a blur. Bellamy could hardly remember any of it.

Bellamy felt bad for Jasper.

But he couldn't let the feelings bother him for much longer. He was tired, physically and mentally. He had been on his feet all day, cleaning the store when he had the chance to, and now his body ached from carrying books back and forth from their place in the back room, and upstairs. Bellamy grabbed a pillow from Octavia's room, tossing it on the floor before he grabbed a blanket. The rain brought humidity and a little chill, which Bellamy was sure would be gone by tomorrow. For now, though, lying on the floor without a blanket just sounded like torture. He sighed and curled up in it, not daring to take his eyes off of Jasper. How was he supposed to fall asleep with Jasper on his couch? He was just plain worried about him now.

Maybe it was the rain, or the steady sound of Jasper's breathing between his snores, but either way, Bellamy was lulled to sleep only a few minutes later.

* * *

 

Jasper woke up to the sound of Bellamy's panting breath, turning on his side to find Bellamy sitting up straight on the floor while his right hand gripped his chest tightly. He jumped when he noticed Jasper staring at him, trying to ease his breath by swallowing a ball built up in his throat, but he just ended up coughing and choking on his own spit. Jasper leaned his head to the side, letting out a curious noise.

"Are you okay?" He asked. Bellamy stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language, furrowing his brows and scooting away from Jasper. Jasper sat up, moving from one side of the couch to the other and patting the opposite side. Bellamy, still, eyed him suspiciously. Slowly, carefully, he stood up and eased himself onto the couch. Jasper watched every movement, still feeling a little woozy from the excessive drinking he had done earlier. Jasper leaned on his elbow, blinking slowly. His eyes burned. "Whatsamatter?" Jasper sputtered out the words all at once. Bellamy shook his head, refusing to answer. "C'mon, you can tell me." Jasper pressed. "I'm not gonna tell nobody."

"I have nightmares all the time, it's not a big deal." Bellamy admitted finally. "Just... go back to bed."

"Mm, whatcha having nightmares 'bout?"

"Jasper, you're still drunk."

"Good observational skills." Jasper hiccuped between his words. "So...? What's bothering big ole Bellamy Blake?"

"Just nightmares, I said. Good night." Bellamy said firmly, but Jasper darted his hand out for Bellamy's wrist and held him in his spot. Bellamy looked first at his wrist, as if to reaffirm the fact that Jasper was the one grabbing at him, and then looked up to meet Jasper's gaze. He was taken aback when Jasper looked sad, disheartened by his brutish tone. Bellamy willed himself not to give in to that look, because the last time he told Jasper anything while he was drunk, he had chased him off. Bellamy didn't want that to happen again. He wouldn't let it happen again.

He'd hide every part of him if it meant Jasper would stay.

Bellamy shivered at that thought.

"Jasper, please let me go."

"You can sleep on the couch with me." Jasper said, and Bellamy replied with a stern "no". "Then... I'll sleep on the floor with you!"

"Oh my god."

"What? What did I say?"

"Listen, it'd just be better if you went to back to sleep, okay?"

"What do ya normally do when you have nightmares?" Jasper asked, and his tone caught Bellamy off guard. "When Monty has nightmares, I usually get into his bed and lie there until he falls asleep, or I pass out with him. I thought you wouldnta minded it much if I did the same with you." Jasper furrowed his brows. "But you're mad, so what do you like to do?"

Bellamy's breath caught in his throat, surprised at how kind and genuine Jasper was being now. He was practically a completely different person from how he acted earlier when he was drunk. Bellamy wondered if he was such a complete opposite while he was drunk. Being talkative and being mean and pushy were two different things, though he gave Jasper a reprieve for how he acted. After all, Jasper had a reason for wanting to be so wasted he couldn't remember anything. Bellamy's throat tightened at the thought of Jasper not remembering anything that happened that night. He couldn't tell if he was happy, or upset by that fact.

"Bellamy, hey, are you crying?" Jasper shook Bellamy by his shoulders, trying to bring him back to where they were, and finally Bellamy came back with a jump. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, shaking his head. "Hey, it's okay. C'mere, you big lug." Jasper opened his arms, pulling Bellamy into his chest. Bellamy resisted, but after a moment of Jasper shushing him and rubbing circles into Bellamy's shoulder with his thumbs, Bellamy relaxed. Jasper still smelled like whiskey, but even more than that, he smelled like the rain. How long had he been out there? Bellamy wondered.

"My mom used to rock me to sleep all the time, until ya'know, I got too big. After that, she started reading books to me... all kindsa books, y'know? Not just  _ Green Eggs and Ham _ , but, like,  _ Oliver Twist _ and  _ Frankenstein,  _ stuff like that. Not that Dr. Seuss isn't the absolute best author hands down, but the other books... substantial books really got'ta me. Anyway, my mom said that's where I got my reading thing from. It helped me sleep before, now it helps me calm down, relax and think about something else for a change. When I'm reading, I'm not really stressed.... I'm not even really thinking, to be honest. I'm just lost in this world that somebody else created, or they're telling the story of this world, but in such a way that it doesn't feel real. It's so nice."

Jasper paused, looking down to see if Bellamy was listening, or even just dealing with his constant rambling, but instead, he was greeted with the sight of Bellamy asleep in his chest, sighing heavily before he nuzzled in closer. Jasper's breath stopped before he smiled and forced himself to turn his attention away from Bellamy. He almost wanted to keep talking, but there was nothing else to say. He noted the odd way his chest seemed to bubble over with pride when he noticed Bellamy had fallen asleep again. Jasper had never seen Bellamy act as panicked as he did when he woke up. His nightmares must have been bad, but Bellamy didn't seem to be scared or shocked at the nightmares. Jasper figured the nightmares were frequent.

Then Jasper wondered how exactly he was supposed to get to sleep again. Bellamy was pressed into his chest, the two of them still sitting up in an awkward and uncomfortable position. He didn't want to move Bellamy and risk waking him up again, but he couldn't just sleep sitting up like that. Jasper tried lifting his legs and squirming them under Bellamy so he could lie down, finally easing himself onto his back before Bellamy grumbled softly, pressing closer and nearly falling off of the couch. Jasper hushed himself, and then decided,  _ fuck it _ .

"Bell." He whispered. "C'mon, get up on the couch. Get your feet... yeah, like that." Jasper said, Bellamy easing himself onto the couch slowly before he settled on resting his face in the crook of Jasper's neck.  _ This _ Jasper was used to. He had slept in Monty's bed too many times to count now, especially after Monty's mother passed, so he knew how comfortable and cuddly some people could get. Jasper didn't mind Bellamy this time. He pulled on Bellamy's shoulder, holding onto him tightly and smiling softly.

* * *

 

Bellamy rolled over on the couch, groaning softly when his back hit the hardest part of the couch. He whined low in his throat, rubbing his back as he managed to open one eye. The house was empty, quiet. It wasn't storming outside anymore, but the rain clouds were still out, so he expected more rain later. He took a deep breath, noticing how his body was oddly warm, how the couch smelled different.

_ Jasper _ .

Bellamy's eyes widened, and he stood up, running to Octavia's room to see if Jasper had wandered in there before he even busted into the bathroom in case Jasper had ended up in there. Nothing. His heart was beating ridiculously fast, worried about Jasper after last night. The kid had gotten drunk within a half hour of being with Bellamy, and now he was just gone? Bellamy nearly panicked as he ran out to the kitchen and found a messy note scrawled on a piece of paper left on the counter.

> _ I'm really sorry. Going home to see Monty. Rain stopped. I'm really, really sorry. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa this is actually a day late, i'm updating at 1:36 am on 8/26/2016, i made plans for the day and i didn't end up editing until late, but! i think i caught most of my mistakes, and im pretty happy with it so far. thank you to everybody subscribing and commenting, it's very encouraging! hopefully for the next update i'll actually be on time, haha!


	7. Stay

Jasper's head pounded. He could feel the familiar ache of heartburn settling in his throat as Monty eyed him from across the room, but turned away when he thought Jasper knew he was looking. The pangs of guilt had already taken hold of Jasper, knowing that he had left Monty out to dry when he ran out the other night. He left without telling Monty where he was going or what he was doing, and probably made him panic, but Jasper felt so... lost. He wanted to go someplace where he belonged, and even when he ended up at the store, he felt just as lost. The books didn't offer the same comfort they normally did. Instead, it reminded him of how he had alienated himself from Bellamy. The one day he even thought about seeing Bellamy and talking to him again, Maya had.... Jasper was sick at the thought of it, rushing off of the couch and to their bathroom instead. Monty followed, standing at the door with his arms crossed over his chest. Jasper heaved, chest aching before the warm pool of alcohol in his stomach came rushing out. He coughed, leaning his head on the toilet seat with a loud groan.

"I hate to be that person," Monty began, making Jasper roll his eyes before he heaved again, "but I hope it hurts."

"Monty, I don't need that from you right now." Jasper managed to say between throwing up and gasping for breath. The heartburn only got worse.

"I know what you need, Jasper. You need someone to set boundaries for you, at least make sure that you're okay. You needed someone to talk to last night, and I get that it wasn't me, but you ran off without even talking to me."

"I know." Jasper said easily, finally feeling calmer after his breath finally caught up with the heaving of his chest. He swept his hair away from his face when he felt himself gagging again.

"You didn't eat before you drank, did you?" Monty chided, already knowing the answer to his own question. Jasper never took care of himself while he was upset. He spent all of his time worried about everybody else, worried about how other people felt and dealt with their own grief that when it came to his own, he was practically useless.That was the only reason Monty wanted to know where he was going. That way, he could make sure Jasper was eating, or at least drinking in moderation. "You... saw Bellamy last night." Monty said, and Jasper nodded desperately. The wave of nausea lingered like a plague. God, he regretted drinking. "Did you apologize?"

"For what?" Jasper said, his voice dripping with venom.

"You know what you did. You didn't apologize to him?"

"I have nothing to apologize for."

"So you barged into the store like you had a right to, and then got drunk without even apologizing?"

"Listen, Monty, normally I wouldn't care about the lecturing you like to do, but right now... I can't deal with it. Please. Stop talking."

Monty bit his bottom lip, furrowing his brows before he walked away from the bathroom. If Jasper didn't want to hear it, that was fine, but Monty didn't want to be around for it either. He couldn't be supportive of Jasper's self destructive habits when Jasper never let him act that way after his mother died. There wasn't a double standard. Jasper made Monty keep it together, for the most part. He wanted to do the same for his friend.

But Jasper had rebuffed him, so for now, he grabbed a bowl of cereal and sat down on the couch. He made sure to turn up the TV so he could hear it over the sound of Jasper vomiting in the hall bathroom.

As per usual, Jasper hadn't been back after that night. That night where he drank himself into a stupor and hardly knew up from down. Still, Bellamy couldn't help but feel a little thankful for that fact. He had to take a few days to process what had happened, why they ended up in the situation in the first place. He knew this much: Maya had died that day, Monty left to find Jasper, and Jasper ended up in the store late that night. He said he didn't want to be home with Monty, but he had the feeling that wasn't the real reason behind it.

After all that, Bellamy remembered waking up with nightmares, and Jasper offering to talk to him. He didn't think anything odd happened for that. Once Jasper left, Bellamy must have snuck onto the couch when he realized it was open for him. That made sense, Bellamy thought.

But even then, he was hiding the fact that Jasper came onto him that night. He knew it didn't mean anything- for one, Jasper was drunk out of his mind, and besides that, he was just acting on impulse- but it still bothered Bellamy sometimes. Did he seem like the type that would sleep around with someone because he needed that? Maybe Bellamy explained the whole situation wrong, but the reason he was with Murphy was because he offered a sense of belonging. Bellamy didn't feel at home even when he was at home, even during what should be the happiest moments of his life, like sitting with Octavia, talking to her and learning about her, or when he was with his friends, when he had them. The people that knew about what he used to do didn't ask out of fear, pretended like it never happened and expected him to be the same way.

Bellamy hated admitting it, but the few places he felt at home were at the bar Murphy took him to, and with Murphy. Murphy didn't judge Bellamy because he had no room to judge him, and vice versa. Bellamy didn't have to hide who he was with his tail tucked between his legs while everyone else pretended like the things Bellamy had done didn't exist. He didn't have to do that around him. He loved that. Most of the time, Bellamy wished he had somebody else like that, but it seemed like people were still scared of him. He didn't blame them.

Nevertheless, Bellamy was still bothered by the fact that it had been weeks since he had even seen Jasper. Monty constantly spoke about him, as if it was supposed to make Bellamy feel better that Jasper was doing better, but still hadn't come in to see him. The only thing he could be grateful for since Jasper left was that Monty started coming around more, to the point of where Bellamy let him hang around while he closed up shop, and they usually ended up drinking the night away together. Monty hadn't bugged him for any stories like Jasper did, but Monty had a few of his own he felt comfortable telling him. Bellamy almost found it morbid that the moment they really bonded was over the deaths of their mothers.

Monty's mother had died from cancer that the doctors claimed they had captured before it spread to her spine. Monty sort of numbly spoke about it, unable to really be upset about it anymore. The countless nights he spent crying his eyes out and begging to be taken with her had drained him of any feeling towards the event. In a way, Bellamy was sort of grateful for that. He wasn't sure if he could offer comfort to Monty in the way that he would need it when he was really upset.

Bellamy told Monty the abridged story of how his mother died, opting to leave out his suspicions about who really set the fire that night.

"Jasper said it looked like there was a fire in here." Monty had said, and Bellamy tensed at the sound of Jasper's name.

They didn't talk about him after that. Monty noticed the way Bellamy tried to avoid any subject about his friend, and out of respect, he decided against bringing him up again.

The store was quiet again, the music festival having passed and everybody gone home to better places. Octavia was safe the night of that storm, telling her overprotective brother that she had found shelter as soon as it started raining, but he couldn't help feeling guilty for not trying to find her while she was out there in the rain. He didn't tell her about Jasper being there that night. It didn't matter anyway.

They ended up together again, Bellamy guzzling down Monty's hooch and letting out a loud groan of discontent.

"God, that really burns on the way down." Bellamy said. Monty grinned and took his own mason jar, nodding as he took another gulp of it.

"Good burn, though."

"You ever make jungle juice?" Bellamy said. Monty shook his head. "That shit will get you wasted with two glasses, not even joking. We used to make it back in the club, since nobody really cared about what we drank. We literally used to serve it right out of the garbage can where we made it."

"Jesus." Monty grinned. "That sounds nice. Still know how to make it?"

"Course." Bellamy said with a smile. "Why, you want some?"

"It's like you read my mind." Monty laughed. He paused, letting the silence sit comfortably between them. Just drinking with Bellamy sometimes was enough. He offered a sort of comfortable aura, like he wasn't judging why you drank, or what you drank, or how drunk you were. Bellamy didn't care about any of those things. Monty liked that.

Bellamy furrowed his brows, swirling the hooch in his jar around before he ventured to ask a question. "Jasper.... He's okay, right?"

"My, my, where did that come from?"

"I'm worried. He left the other morning without saying anything. I know it's not my business, but I didn't have any way of making sure he got home safely."

Monty smiled tenderly. "Hey, he was okay. Just hungover. He was throwing up all morning. I should know, I had to listen to his dumb ass. Anyway, he threw up for the better part of his day. After that, he locked himself in his room." Monty sighed. "I didn't help him as much as I should have. I know he wanted me to do something for him, but I was still pissed off at him for running off." Monty rubbed the back of his neck, waiting for some kind of response but Bellamy, but he had fallen silent. The look of scrutiny on his face confused Monty, making him wave his hands in front of Bellamy. "Hello? Something wrong?"

"Uh, oh, nothing. I was thinking."

"Jasper's okay, Bell."

"How... how did Maya die?" Bellamy said under his breath, and Monty's eyes softened, the mood falling as Monty bit his lip. He didn't know if he had the right to tell Bellamy. After all, Maya was Jasper's girlfriend, and her business was her business. Without realizing it, he had started talking.

"So... she had lupus, right?" Monty said, and Bellamy nodded. Jasper had told him that. "Well, part of lupus symptoms are rashes. She had a rash on her face, but apparently she had a rash on her arm, too." Monty swallowed hard. "The, uh, rash on her arm wasn't from lupus though. Apparently she contracted some virus, a staph infection."

"But staph infections are curable." Bellamy said, and Monty shook his head.

"Some of them are medicine resistant. She had MRSA, I think. Anyway, with the lupus and MRSA, her immune system was really weak. Apparently after that... she got a cold. The morning Jasper went to see her, she died. He didn't get to see her." Monty swallowed hard. "Apparently she contracted it somewhere at home. Jasper had to get tested to see if he had it."

"Did he?" Bellamy said suddenly.

"No, he's okay. Just really shaken up about everything. They said the chances of him even carrying the infection are really small, but they wanted to be safe."

"That's... good."

"Are you worried about the infection? Really, the odds of you getting it are pretty slim."

"No, it's not that. I was worried about Jasper. How's he dealing with everything?"

"Oh, you know how he is. He pretends like he's fine and happy, but I can tell something's bothering him. Likes to act tough, y'know?" Monty shook his head and took another gulp of hooch. "Then he dodges all of my questions, and pretends like nothing is wrong. It's only been a couple of weeks. He's still hurting."

Bellamy nodded, once again opting to keep quiet. It seemed like that was all Monty wanted to say, now falling silent and staring at his hooch. His throat tasted sour, he thought, or maybe it was just what they were talking about. Either way, Bellamy guzzled down what was left of his hooch, setting the mason jar down before he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and tossed a $20 bill on the table. Monty furrowed his brows, staring at it curiously.

"So you can make more hooch."

"Oh, no, I can't take that. It's cheap to make hooch anyways-"

"Well, I drank two mason jars of it, so keep it." Bellamy said. "Honestly, I'm not taking it back. Keep it."

Monty hesitantly reached for it, folding it and stuffing it away in his pocket after he thanked Bellamy. He still had half of his jar left, but he could feel the buzz of alcohol in his veins. How Bellamy managed to get through two jars while staying coherent, Monty didn't know, but he was amazed. Even Jasper was stupid drunk after a jar. His body was warm, head swimming through thoughts before Bellamy sighed and stretched his arms over his head.

"I'm gonna go shower. You stayin' the night?" Bellamy said as he stood up, staring at Monty, who was blushing furiously. Bellamy wrote it off as the alcohol finally making his blood rush.

"Er, yeah. I'd love to stay." Monty grinned, watching Bellamy walk down the hall, knocking on Octavia's door to let her know Monty was still in the apartment. She peeked out from behind her door, but nodded at Monty and returned to her room. Monty let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding after Bellamy closed the bathroom door behind him, rubbing his forehead as he slipped his phone out from his pocket. He quickly opened a message from Jasper, asking if he was going to stay with Bellamy that night.

Monty: is bellamy always this good looking or am i really drunk

Jasper: Dude.

Monty: i think im just rlly drunk. yes im staying here.

Jasper: You sure?

Monty: i'll prolly be fine

Jasper: You said prolly.

Monty: yeah :D

Jasper: Prolly doesn't cut it!! What's Bellamy doing?? Is he drunk too???

Monty: showering!

Jasper: Oh my god. Monty.

Monty: :D

Monty stuffed away his phone after a moment of debate, but he decided against telling Jasper anything else than he already had. Monty would never actually have the courage to seriously hit on Bellamy, let alone make a move on him. Jasper mentioned a couple of times that Monty could be with whoever he had an interest in, so long as the other person was also interested, but Monty never really worked up the nerve to ever test that out. Bellamy had invited him out of the kindness of his heart too, so Monty didn't really feel like pushing it further and making him uncomfortable. Bellamy had never expressed even the slightest of interest in him. And besides that, Monty didn't really know if it was the alcohol that made him start thinking this kinds of things. He didn't want to do anything and regret it later on.

His head bobbed down when he closed his eyes, sleep tugging at his eyelids until he finally realized he was going to fall asleep sitting up if he didn't move fast enough. He sighed and set his jar of hooch down, stretching his arms over his head before he looked around the living room. Bellamy knew Monty was going to stay for the night, but it didn't seem like there were any other places to sleep, and Bellamy never mentioned sleeping in Octavia's room. She didn't seem like the type to share anyways.

After what seemed like forever, Bellamy emerged from the bathroom, towel hung loosely around his hips while he walked to the closet opposite of the bathroom, taking out an old shirt and sweatpants before he noticed Monty staring at the couch, eyes focused before they darted up to Bellamy. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came to mind, stutters and stumbling words spilling from his lips before he flushed brightly. Bellamy smiled.

"You can have the couch." Bellamy gestured towards it. "I'll sleep on the floor."

"That's... not fair." Monty said nervously before he corrected himself. "I mean, it's your apartment, you should sleep on the couch. I'll sleep on the floor."

"It's fine. Seriously, if I had a bed, you would sleep in it and I'd sleep on the couch. So take it." Bellamy said before he turned back to the bathroom, clothes in hand. "Be right back."

Monty nodded, easing himself onto the couch before he relaxed. He hated to admit it, but a part of his apprehension came from the idea that Bellamy was still this ruthless, dangerous gang member. Jasper avoided Bellamy like the plague after everything was said and done, but Monty couldn't deny the obvious interest he had in Bellamy. Everybody had a past, and even if Bellamy's was more intense than anybody he had ever met didn't make it any less valid. Besides that, Bellamy really seemed like he wanted to leave it all behind. He mentioned once or twice that he missed the money involved, but Monty could tell there was something beyond any of the money, any of the people, any of the lifestyle, that made Bellamy want to leave. He furrowed his brows, debating on asking when he noticed Bellamy opening the door to the bathroom again, fully dressed, but hair still wet from his shower. Without realizing it, Monty pulled his knees up to his chest, watching as Bellamy came around the couch and sat down with a sigh.

"You're not anything like how Jasper made you seem." Monty said softly, but the words made Bellamy tense, shoulders rising as he darted his gaze over to Monty on the opposite side of the couch. Monty tried to get comfortable on the couch again, repositioning himself so he was facing Bellamy. He rested his chin on his knees, running a hand through his greasy black hair. "When he told me about everything, about... y'know, the stuff that happened, he made it sound like you were some bloodthirsty killer out for blood. I didn't really believe that, but a part of me, I think, was still scared." Monty's sentence sounded more like a question at the end of it, chewing on his bottom lip to try and focus his thoughts.

"So, he did tell you." Bellamy said. "About Murphy. All of it."

"Of course he did." Monty replied easily. "I'm his best friend. Not trying to be rude, but no secret can stand up to our friendship. Anyway, when he told me, I thought that maybe he was right. But being around you, talking to you... you're not anything like that." Monty tilted his head to the side pensively. "There must have been something that really made you want to leave. Was it out of fear? Were you afraid?"

Bellamy hesitated in answering. Fear was such a vague term, he thought, and of course he was afraid of something. What it was, he wasn't completely sure. He was afraid of a lot of things. He was afraid of John Murphy. He was afraid of fires. He was afraid of losing his family, but most of all, he was afraid of losing Octavia. So fear covered all of it, he thought. Bellamy nodded slowly, Monty humming in response.

"Fear of... dying?" Monty said.

"No. No, not dying. Maybe losing people, but not dying." Bellamy shook his head and bit his tongue to stop himself from talking, but the words still spilled from him. It was like a fountain that Monty had turned on, and now he had no way of shutting it off to keep things from overflowing. "Being in that place, doing those things, it makes you value your own life less. Sure, I didn't want to die, but if I did... that's just the way it goes, y'know?" Bellamy said, to which Monty easily nodded along. Bellamy appreciated this, but he could feel himself falling into the same rhythm that he did with Jasper. He talked, and he talked, and he talked too much until he scared Jasper off. Bellamy didn't know how much was too much, and how little was lying. "But losing people, losing the people I love... that's scarier than anything in this world. Losing Octavia? I can't even think about it or I get sick." Bellamy admitted. "That's what really scared me."

"Is that why you didn't want to tell Jasper all of that stuff?" Monty asked. Bellamy furrowed his brows in confusion. "You didn't want to tell him about all that stuff because you were afraid of losing him, right?"

"Yeah. I'd already told Clarke. She was the first person I told outside of the gang. After that she looked at me different, acted different. She didn't want anything to do with me, she was scared of... me." Bellamy trailed off quietly, hoping Monty would stop asking, but the expression on his face said otherwise. "I thought that Jasper was different. I thought he'd listen, and he could still think it was wrong. God, he could lecture me for days about it, and I'd be fine with that, so long as he didn't  _ leave _ ." Bellamy shook his head and looked away from Monty. This sudden vulnerability was too much, even for him. "Monty, I don't want to talk about it anymore. He doesn't want to see me anymore, that's fine."

"You don't know that." Monty said quickly, leaning forward and reaching his hand out. He let it land on Bellamy's arm, hesitating in pulling it away when Bellamy glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Instead, Monty squeezed and scooted closer to him on the couch. "He's still really upset about Maya, Bell. The funeral, seeing her like that, he... he's hurting."

"That's fine." Bellamy said. "I didn't expect it to not hurt. But he stopped talking to me long before that. And... and then he came by that night, and he was drinking, and in pain, and I know I shouldn't have been so pissed off at him, but then he tried coming onto me, and I-"

"He, what?!" Monty said suddenly, eyes widening when Bellamy stopped talking long enough to realize what it was Monty was referring to. His stomach turned, and he wished he hadn't been ranting.  _ That  _ was too much. "He came onto you? You didn't tell me that."

"I didn't mean to tell you that now, either." Bellamy said tensely. "It was just- He was drunk, and he was hurting. I know he didn't mean it seriously. I didn't take him seriously. He didn't have the judgment to be serious."

Monty sat back on his butt, letting his hand fall back to his side as he pulled his knees up to his chest again. His mind was racing with thoughts, bothering him while he sat in silence until he felt Bellamy shift, his hand on his forehead as he pushed his hair away from his face. Monty stared at him, eyelids feeling heavy again as he leaned to his left, resting his head on Bellamy's shoulder and sighing. Bellamy tensed at the sensation of Monty resting on him, Bellamy warm at the touch of his head. He stared at him, noticing that Monty wasn't moving any time soon. Monty sniffed lightly, scratching his nose before he hummed quietly.

"You're a good guy, Bellamy Blake." Monty said. Bellamy's heart ached at that simple phrase. He wanted to say something, anything in response to Monty, but he couldn't think of anything. He felt his eyes welling up, blinking rapidly to try and get rid of the tears, but there was nothing that could stop the tears that came spilling down his cheeks. He looked away, wiping his face with his only free hand before he sighed. Monty was relaxed now, legs stretching out before Bellamy heard him snore, quietly, just like he was. Bellamy couldn't help but laugh before he grabbed Monty by his shoulders, lying him down and pulling the blanket at the end of the couch over him. Monty curled up, still leaving a little space at the end of the couch for Bellamy to sit, so he did, stretching his body out and closing his eyes.

For the first time in his entire life, somebody had heard about who he was, what he had done, about the awful kind of person that he once was, and they didn't run away.

Class droned on as per usual. Jasper leaned his chin in his hand, watching the seconds hand tick by on the clock before he felt his head bob forward, eyes drooping forward before he shook himself awake. The pen in his hand slipped from his grasp, hitting his desk and making the girl beside him throw him an odd glance. Normally, he would have made a face back, or even said something sarcastic, but that particular girl next to him was Lexa, Clarke's girlfriend, and, more importantly, the most intimidating girl Jasper had ever met. Everybody talked about what a softie she was, but if she was, Jasper had never seen it. She had a stone faced expression constantly, and her sharp eyes were only challenged by the grimace she managed to have even during relaxed moment of class. So, to say the least, Jasper was terrified of really pissing her off. Jasper picked up his pen and held it tightly, making sure he didn't even give Lexa a second look. She stared at him for a second before he noticed she was reaching her hand out. Instinctively, he tensed, before she tapped his shoulder and gave him a sideways glance.

"Do you have an extra pencil?" She said. Jasper processed her words, dumbfounded before he gave her the pen he was using and reached into his bag to pull out another identical pen. She thanked him, and then returned to her work, serious expression plastered on her face while Jasper forced himself to calm down after she barely touched him to get his attention. He was sure other people felt that way about her, though, because she had that sort of effect on people. He couldn't remember how many times Clarke said something about how cute she was, only to get hesitant agreement from everybody else around them. Lexa never really liked that kind of attention, and she made sure Clarke knew, but Clarke would always embarrass her like that in public, despite her constant protests.

Jasper swallowed hard when he noticed the professor moving onto the next page of notes, damning himself for not paying attention. He felt somebody staring at him, but brushed it off as fear of Lexa, and continued his notes, opting to ask somebody else for whatever it was he missed. Jasper scribbled down some unimportant notes, followed by a couple of mathematical equations. The professor called out a number in their books to work out of, Jasper immediately darting for his bag and pulling the book out. He hated carrying that thing around, and he damned himself for not buying an e-book to make everything else easier. The only good thing about it was that he could scribble in it whenever he wanted to, doodling while he was supposed to be working, and damning himself later on when he had to do homework when he should've been watching Netflix.

Before he realized it, time had flown by, the professor excusing them while everybody else packed up their bags and started for the door. Jasper felt Lexa tug on his sleeve, handing him his pen back before she eyed him curiously. He tried to look casual, but Lexa was really staring at him now, eyes tracing over his figure before she snapped her fingers.

"You're Jasper." She said. Jasper nodded slowly.

"You're Lexa." He replied under his breath.

"Clarke mentioned you once. She said you were friends with Bellamy."

"Jeez, does everybody know me because I was his friend?"

"Was?" Lexa said curiously. "Not his friend anymore?"

"Haven't talked to him in weeks." Jasper admitted timidly. "Uhm, why are you asking? I have a class in ten minutes, I have to get across campus-"

"Bellamy and I used to do business together." Lexa grinned, resting her chin on her hands as she took in the shocked expression on Jasper's face. She loved telling people those kinds of things, if it meant they would react the way they usually do. "I take it you stopped talking to him because of the whole gang thing, right? That's typical."

"W-wait, you and Bellamy, you...?" Jasper tried to hint at it properly, but she stayed quiet, a smirk tugging at the corners of her lips while she batted her lashes innocently. "No fucking way. You used to move product?"

" _ Move _ product?" Lexa laughed. "I used to be his best supplier."

"Oh, god. Is there anything else I don't know about the people in this town?" Jasper said with an exasperated tone, though it was more of a question to himself. Lexa pursed her lips, slinging her bag over his shoulder before she gave Jasper a fake smile, obvious in the way her lips curved.

"Sorry, maybe I came off strong." Lexa said. "It's a little heavy to lay on someone. I figured Bellamy would've already told you. Guess you'd have to  _ talk _ to him to get that."

"Did you just start talking to me to lecture me about ignoring Bellamy?" Jasper said in disbelief. "You've never said more than two words to me before today, and now you sound like you're trying to convince me to talk to Bellamy again."

"Actually, princess over there told me to talk to you." Lexa gestured towards the exit on the far end, picking up Jasper's math book and nudging him out of the aisle. "C'mon, I got class in a few, let's talk on the way."

Lexa pushed Jasper out of the way, carrying his book before he finally picked up his backpack. Then she shoved the book in his chest, making him follow her steps. Clarke was waiting at the exit, smiling at both of them, and Jasper understood what Lexa was talking about when she said, "princess." Bellamy mentioned Clarke being his friend for a short time, but he figured that was over by the time she figured out exactly what it was he had done. Still, that didn't make sense, considering the fact that she was now trying to convince him to talk to Bellamy, even though she had abandoned him as well. Jasper remembered Bellamy saying something about that.

"C'mon." Jasper said, making Clarke and Lexa both stare at him. "Give me the lecture about Bellamy. Lemme hear it."

Clarke bit down on her bottom lip, sighing before she finally started speaking. Figures, Clarke giving a lecture. She did that a lot during class. He should have expected something like that from her.

"I'm not telling you to forgive him of everything he told you about." Clarke began softly. "Whatever he's told you about, it was probably the worst of it."

"The human trafficking." Jasper said. Clarke nodded slowly, as if the memories were flooding back, and she swallowed thickly, her throat feeling tight suddenly. She forced herself to work past the discomfort though, if it meant getting Jasper to come to his senses.

"Yeah, that's the worst of it." Lexa interrupted.

"Then, yeah, I know." Jasper said sharply, his tone irritated and obviously annoyed that they brought it up.

"Listen, Jasper, I know I don't know you as well as I should, but I know Bellamy. He's a good person, and just because he fucked up a few times in the past doesn't make him a monster." Clarke nodded slowly, lifting her hands defensively when she noticed Jasper pointing an accusing finger at her. "I know I did the same thing you're doing now. I know he told you about what I did, but that doesn't make what I did right. I'm not proud of it." Clarke hesitated and furrowed her brows. "I regret it most of the time. I lost a really great friend when I left him after what he told me. And I know he probably thinks I'm a hypocrite after it all, because now I'm with Lexa, but you have to believe me when I say that losing Bellamy is one of the worst things you could do to yourself... and to him."

"If you're so worried about him, why don't you go be his friend, Clarke?" Jasper said.

"I try. I go to the store, I try to talk to him like we did before, but... I don't think he trusts me anymore. Even if we did end up talking again, he'd never mention his past ever again. I mean, after all those people left once you told them, would  _ you _ ?" Clarke said, and Jasper looked away from her to his shoes while they walked along the sidewalk. He held his backpack to his chest, carrying his books close to himself while Lexa meandered beside them, obviously uninterested in the conversation. She had started it, but it was clear now that it was just a ploy to get Jasper to listen to Clarke instead. It appeared Lexa really didn't care about what they were saying.

Jasper swallowed the ball building up in his throat, forcing himself to meet Clarke's gaze, and only then did he realize how serious she was. Her eyes were intense, searching for something in Jasper's own before she shook her head and frowned.

"Don't push him away, Jasper. He's scared, and he's made some mistakes, but so has everybody else. He wants somebody to listen to him. He wants somebody to sit there with him and listen to him and not treat him like he's a monster." Clarke sighed in resignation. "I couldn't give that to him. I thought I couldn't at least, and now that I want to, he doesn't want me there. But I still go into the shop every week, and for the past month, he's... lost. He might not want me there, but he might still want you there. Don't let the chance slip away. If you're really uncomfortable, if you're  _ really  _ scared of him, then fine, don't go back. But even if a little part of you, even the smallest shard of your heart thinks that maybe Bellamy isn't such a bad person, act on it. Please." Clarke said, feeling Lexa tug on her arm and nod in the direction of their next class. She stopped in her tracks, Jasper stopping with them so he could watch Clarke's shoulders sink and she sighed again. "If you're not going to talk to him again, at least try not to make him feel more ashamed of his past than he already is. He doesn't need any contempt from other people about it. He has nightmares about it all the time." Clarke looked up at Jasper and nodded firmly. "He told me that before I stopped talking to him."

Lexa cocked her head to the right, raising a brow when she noticed the way Jasper's frown faltered. "Bellamy's weak." She said, noticing the way Jasper shot her a glare. Clarke even appeared slightly shocked at her. "Stupid kid forgot about the most important lesson in his stupid gang." She repeated her words sharply, hiding the smirk she wanted to show when Jasper looked almost offended at her words. For somebody who claimed to want nothing to do with Bellamy, he sure was defensive of him. " _ Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. _ "

"That's supposed to mean something?" Jasper said.

"Grounder jargon." Lexa replied easily. "A language created to keep us under the radar. Think of it as a secret code. I doubt they use it anymore, Murphy really hated it. Bellamy was pretty fluent."

"And what's that phrase supposed to mean? What did you say? How'd you say it?" Jasper said, not able to help his sudden curiosity. Lexa grinned, making sure to enunciate every syllable.

" _ Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. _ " Lexa said, and Jasper repeated after her, trying to perfect the sort of accent there was to it. He said it another time, and Lexa smiled, shrugging easily. "You got it. Say it to Bellamy, he'll let you know what it means. Tell him Lexa sends her regards."

"What makes you think I'm going to see Bellamy?" Jasper said, but Clarke laughed behind her hand while Lexa rolled her eyes. "What?" He said.

"If you're not going to see him to apologize, at least say that to him and tell him to man up." Lexa said. Then Jasper watched them turn on their heels, Lexa in her dark clothes and darker makeup, while Clarke trailed behind her. He was sure Clarke wanted to turn around, to glance and see if Jasper was showing any sort of remorse. He wasn't keen on showing it, but he would be lying if he said his heart wasn't sinking in his chest now. He knew that Clarke had done the same thing he had when Bellamy told her about his life, so he knew he wasn't the only one. Seeing the look on her face though, the expression of regret and the hint of helplessness in her voice really set it in stone for him. Jasper glanced at his watch. He had another hour before class was out and he could catch the bus over to the bookstore. He hated himself for being so transparent. It appeared after Clarke's little speech, even Lexa and Clarke could tell Jasper was feeling bad. He damned himself, pulling out his phone and typing out a message to Monty, letting him know that he'd be stopping the bookstore after class, and he wouldn't be home for a while. Monty read the message, and after a few minutes of hesitation, responded with a simple, ":')".

Monty still came by, they still drank, and they still ended up sleeping upstairs before they parted ways the next morning. Bellamy didn't mind it so much. He didn't mind the clingy nature of Monty, especially when he laid down on Bellamy's lap, or when he ended up on the floor with him and cuddled into his side until they both woke up and scooted away. Bellamy never bothered to mention it, and Monty didn't seem to want to talk about it, so they were okay with pretending that nothing was happening. But eventually, the monotonous schedule of the days ran them together, and he wasn't so sure how much longer he'd be able to take it. Octavia talked about going abroad the next semester, and Bellamy was making himself nauseous just thinking about it. She had already started a list of things she would need when she left.

Bellamy stood up from behind the register, running his hands through his hair when he saw a police car pull up outside of the store. His eyes widened, hands immediately tensing at his sides as he looked around the store. There was nothing incriminating around, and he had nothing to hide, but seeing the cops around still made Bellamy uneasy. He moved back behind the register, sitting back while he tried to occupy himself and ignore the fact that the two cops from the car had now slipped out of the patrol car and were approaching the door to the bookstore. Besides the fact that Bellamy had the past that he did (even though his record was clean since he had never actually been caught doing anything), Bellamy obviously had a reputation. The police weren't as stupid as they seemed, and Bellamy knew that. That's why it made it so hard when they came by the store to harass him.

The door swung open, two familiar faces waiting behind it as Bellamy took a deep breath in. They were the same cops that bugged him while he was in the gang, so they obviously knew who he was. Bellamy sat back in his seat, not even bothering to feign a smile at them. They knew they weren't welcome there.

"Emerson." Bellamy said softly before his eyes moved to the other cop beside him. Lovejoy, as usual, tagged along with Emerson whenever he came by to piss him off. Bellamy let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, forcing himself to calm down. He didn't do anything wrong. He had to remember that. He didn't do anything wrong.

"Blake, how's it been?" Emerson said, his tone overjoyed at the way Bellamy shivered at his words. "Lots of business? How's your little sister doing?"

"Don't talk about her." Bellamy said, realizing he was growling more than he intended to. He bit his tongue, forcing himself to deal with the onslaught of harassment that was bound to hit him after that. "What did I do this time?" Bellamy kept his eyes lowered, not daring to meet their gazes. God forbid he give them a reason to slap handcuffs on him like they used to.

"Watch the tone." Lovejoy warned.

"Well, we heard from a little bird that John Murphy's been seen coming around here again. Remember how badly that turned out last time, Blake? I think you lost a mother last time he came around so much." Emerson said with a chuckle. Bellamy's hands tensed, balling up into a fist while he dug his nails into his palms. He took long, deep breaths, closing his eyes while he heard Emerson's voice call from the back of the store, accompanied by the sound of books thudding to the ground. "Whoops. Anyways, we just want to make sure you remember how closely we keep an eye on you. Anything you do, anywhere you go, anything you  _ think _ , we know before you do." Emerson said, another shelf of books falling to the floor.

Bellamy stood up suddenly, Lovejoy's hand darting for the gun at his side. Emerson lifted his hand, making his partner relax while Bellamy finally shot Emerson a glare. He watched as Emerson pulled out another shelf of books, sweeping his arm behind it and the books falling open on the ground, one-by-one. Bellamy was seething now, cheeks burning red before Emerson smirked and pointed at the pile of books on the ground. "Pick 'em up." He said. Bellamy hesitated in moving, because he didn't want to give Lovejoy the chance to grab his gun, but he knew Emerson would mess with him even more if he didn't move quick. He took a few steps towards the pile of books, but apparently didn't move fast enough. Emerson tore a shelf off of the case, the books crashing down into the messy pile on the ground. Bellamy took another deep breath, falling to his knees once he reached the pile of books and slowly lifted them up, making sure to straighten up the pages. They were bent, and a few pages in some of the books had ripped down the middle. Bellamy resisted the urge to curse him out right then and there.

"You know, we've gotta do routine checks on this store if Murphy keeps coming around here." Emerson said, and Bellamy didn't respond, his expression serious when he reached for a book, and at that same moment, Emerson lifted his foot off of the ground, heavy boot landing on top of Bellamy's hand and crushing his fingers against the pile of books. Bellamy groaned, holding back a slurry of curse words and opting to bit his lip instead. He shot a glare up at Emerson, eyes meeting before he tried to wriggle his hand free. Emerson pressed his foot down harder, watching as Bellamy's serious expression faltered, and he winced in pain, brows furrowing and a groan leaving his throat.

"Point is, it'd be in your best interest to keep that little shit out of here. Otherwise, we'll have to search this entire store for the good stuff that Murphy moves. Got it?" Emerson pushed his foot down harder at the end of his sentence, forcing Bellamy to nod wildly.

"Y-yes." Bellamy said, immediately groaning in pain when Emerson lifted his foot off of his hand. There was a slight purple tint in the middle of Bellamy's hand, and he knew he had probably sprained something, or at least bruised it. He tried to wiggle his fingers, but his index finger was definitely sprained from the weight hitting his hand so suddenly. Emerson brushed past Bellamy, making sure to kick over the pile of books Bellamy had started before he and Lovejoy approached the door.

"Hopefully we won't see you any time soon, Blake." Emerson said, the two leaving and walking back to their car. Bellamy waited for the door to close, but it seemed to hesitate, taking longer than it normally would before he heard it click shut. Then Bellamy leaned forward, resting his forehead on the pile of books on the ground while hissing through his teeth. His hand was aching, fingers feeling weak and blood pounding through his veins while he forced himself to try and move his fingers. They all ached, but only his index and middle finger really felt like they were sprained. Bellamy cussed under his breath, forcing himself to get over the pain long enough to steady his breathing. He heard an awkward hum behind him, followed by somebody stuttering. He looked over his shoulder, apologizing quickly before he realized just who it was behind him.

Jasper dropped his backpack on the ground, falling to his knees and picking up the books on the ground and straightening out the pages. Bellamy fell silent, not bothering to say anything as he watched, and then grabbed a book with one hand. He only used his good hand, trying to unfold the crinkled pages and straighten them out when Jasper let his own fingers slide over the book pages, fingers brushing against Bellamy's own and smoothing the page out. Bellamy dropped the book and reached for another one, but Jasper stopped him when Bellamy felt Jasper's fingers slide under his bruised hand and hold it in place. Bellamy instinctively cringed, but Jasper's touch was so gentle, he hardly felt it.

"We should bandage this." Jasper said under his breath. Bellamy wanted to jerk his hand away, shoot him a mean stare and pretend like he was still upset, but the better part of him stopped him from doing anything like that. Bellamy's hand was trembling, fingers throbbing now as they turned a dark red. "God, Bellamy, are you okay?"

"Why would you give a shit?" Bellamy said, but he still didn't move his hand.

"I know I've been a bad friend." Jasper admitted. "I'm not going to pretend I haven't."

"That's putting it loosely." Bellamy said before he looked away. "Listen, you don't have to do this. I don't expect you to-"

" _ Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. _ " Jasper tried his best to pronounce it the same way Lexa did, butchering a few of the syllables before Bellamy furrowed his brows in confusion, eyes curious as he met Jasper's gaze.

"Where did you...." Bellamy didn't even need to finish his sentence, shaking his head as a relaxed smile appeared on his face. "Lexa."

"She said you're weak." Jasper said, and Bellamy chuckled. "She said that you forgot the most important lesson in your gang." Jasper took his turn to look confused now. "What does it mean? She said it's ground something?"

"Grounder." Bellamy said. "Grounder jargon."

"What's Grounder?" Jasper said.

"It's, er, what people used to call themselves in the gang. Grounders were the runners, mainly. It kind of came to be so people could communicate, and not get caught." Bellamy shook his head. "You don't want to hear about it."

"I do." Jasper leaned forward, letting his hand slide over Bellamy's, but quickly apologizing when he realized he touched a bruised part. "S-sorry. I mean... I do want to hear about it."

"I don't know if I want to tell you about it." Jasper felt his heart sink at Bellamy's words, remembering the disheartened grimace on Clarke's face when she was talking about how she had lost her chance to be Bellamy's friend. Jasper forced himself to push forward though, leaning forward again to catch Bellamy's attention.

"I really want to hear about it." Jasper said. "I know that I reacted badly before. I know that I treated you like shit for something you did in your past. I know I did that. But I'm asking for another chance. I'm not asking for forgiveness, or anything like that. Just one more chance." Jasper tried to gather his thoughts properly, but everything was a mess now that Bellamy was in front of him, and he looked this way, so vulnerable, so alone, so... lost. "What does it mean? The Grounder thing?"

Bellamy kept quiet, chewing on his bottom lip before he picked up another book, turning his gaze to the messy pile instead. Jasper returned to helping him, feeling let down since Bellamy didn't want to answer him. He didn't want to push Bellamy any further than he already had, voice caught in his throat before he realized that Bellamy had opened his mouth to say something.

"There were a lot of different people in the gang. Lots of different languages." Bellamy said softly, his voice particularly quiet as he reached for another book and smoothed out the pages. "We needed some way to communicate without getting caught. Lexa came up with Grounder. It developed from there. Bits and pieces of different languages, different words. Eventually, it became natural to hear it around the club. We still spoke English, but it was safer with Grounder."

"Kind of like a creole?" Jasper said. Bellamy nodded.

"Yeah. Grounder creole." Bellamy said, and he couldn't help but smile. "That's what Lexa was using when she told you that thing."

"But what does it  _ mean _ ?" Jasper said. Bellamy was surprised at his genuine interest.

"It means, er, "Get knocked down, get back up."" Bellamy said timidly. "It was a thing we said whenever something bad happened. I heard it a lot after my mom died. Even being out of the gang, they were there for me."

Jasper nodded, processing what he had been told as he grabbed another book, exactly at the same time as Bellamy reached for one with his bad hand. Their fingers touched, and Bellamy jerked his arm away, holding his hand close to his chest while he cringed and hissed through the pounding he felt.

"Who did that to you?" Jasper said, and Bellamy fell silent again. Jasper nodded, sitting back and watching as Bellamy did the same. They didn't say anything, both of them at a loss of what to say. The bookstore was quiet, and even the streets outside were calm. Jasper enjoyed this. He missed it, in fact. He wasted all that time being sad, being pissed off, and misplacing his anger at Bellamy when the truth was that he was just... sad. A pang of guilt hit Jasper, realizing how shitty he had acted to Bellamy for the longest time. He was lucky Bellamy was even speaking to him. Jasper picked up another book from the big pile and smoothing the pages. "Bell." He said, Bellamy's eyes fluttering open and meeting his gaze. His chest tightened, heart picking up a faster pace as he swallowed thickly. What the hell was  _ that _ feeling? "Your hand.... We should bandage it up."

Bellamy didn't move, nodding at the register. Jasper realized how early it was, how the store was technically still open, and they couldn't just leave without having somebody watch it. So Jasper eased himself off of the floor, heading upstairs and grabbing the first aid kit Bellamy kept in their hall closet. He returned downstairs, Bellamy still in the same position, an empty glint in his eye until he realized Jasper was sitting in front of him, hand reaching over and touching his wrist. That didn't hurt, at least, but it did make him jump when he felt Jasper's fingers on his skin. Jasper looked up at him, their eyes meeting between a silent agreement to let Jasper wrap his fingers. Jasper pulled out a compression bandage, slowly pushing Bellamy's first two fingers together and wrapping them while Bellamy furrowed his brows and bit down on his lip. Jasper finished wrapping his fingers, finally turning his attention to Bellamy's purple palm.

"It's a bruise. You'll live." Jasper grinned, Bellamy letting out a snort of laughter at his words. "I'm afraid you're going to need intense treatment for this injury."

"Oh, is that right?" Bellamy said teasingly. Jasper nodded, his heart lifting at the sight of Bellamy laughing. "And what's your treatment, doctor?"

"Lots and lots of apologies." Jasper said, catching Bellamy off guard yet again. A dusty red blush appeared on Bellamy's cheeks, Jasper sighing and nodding. "I'm really sorry, Bellamy. I treated you like shit. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve any of it." Bellamy shrugged, but Jasper continued, really trying to figure out what to say so he could show Bellamy how sorry he was. He couldn't form one coherent thought, everything running together before he finally spat out his first thought. "I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I reacted that way. Shock? It doesn't make it better, but I guess I didn't expect that thing from somebody like you."

"Somebody like me?" Bellamy raised a brow.

"Somebody so... cool, I guess? You're funny, and even though you have your moments, I feel like you're my friend. I came here every day, I talked to you whenever I could, I bothered you all the time, because I loved...." Jasper trailed off, a burning blush appearing on his own face. Bellamy's heart stopped in his chest, about to shake his head before Jasper could finish, but he was already talking again. "I loved being your friend. I loved being around you. Even while I was pissed off or scared or whatever I was feeling after you told me, I was thinking about how much I missed coming here, coming here to see you. God, Bellamy, I missed talking to you." Jasper said with a tone of realization. "After everything that happened, all I wanted was to sit here and read, and know that you were there for me, and even  _ then  _ I acted like such an asshole. I'm such an idiot, and I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you had to be ashamed of your past, I never wanted that. I was never ashamed to say I knew you." Jasper was rambling on now, his heart aching because of how awfully he had treated Bellamy. "I want to be here for you. I want to listen to you. I want to hear about the things that you want to talk about, whatever it is. I want to be able to listen to you. I...."

"Jas?" Bellamy said. Jasper felt butterflies in his stomach at the sound of the nickname. He willed himself to ignore that strange feeling and focus on Bellamy instead. "It's okay."

"It... it is?"

"Yeah." Bellamy smiled, trying his best to hide the genuine joy he felt at Jasper's confession. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For apologizing." Bellamy said.

"Oh, don't thank me for that. You deserved it a long time ago. I should've said it for even thinking I had a right to be upset."

"I didn't expect you to be okay with it, you know. It would freak me out too." Bellamy said. "I was afraid."

"Of?"

"Losing somebody else." Jasper's shoulder rose tensely at his words, guilt rushing through his veins like a drug, and he let out a noise of shock.

"Bell, I'm so fucking sorry." His voice shook. "Jesus, I didn't even think about you. I'm such a bad person-"

"Jasper." Bellamy said, interrupting his train of thought again. His deep voice must have had the sort of effect on him, Jasper guessed, because every time he heard his voice, he was rendered helpless. He fell silent again, and Bellamy gave him a sad frown. "I'm sorry." Jasper raised a brow curiously, and Bellamy let his eyes close. "About Maya."

Jasper's breath caught in his chest at the sound of her name, and he was silently thankful that Bellamy had closed his eyes. Did he know he was going to have this kind of response to it? Jasper felt an overwhelming flood of emotions hit him all at once. Sure, he had told Bellamy the night it happened, but he never mentioned what exactly had happened to her, so Monty must have. Granted it wasn't Monty's business, but Jasper obviously wasn't there to divulge information about it to Bellamy. Jasper didn't say anything, letting it sink in before he noticed Bellamy had opened his eyes, and was now eyeing him curiously. After a second, Bellamy opened his arms, and Jasper stared at him in confusion.

"C'mere." Bellamy said, Jasper scooting forward and easily resting his forehead on Bellamy's shoulder. He took a deep breath, savoring the scent of Bellamy's cologne that he constantly smelled whenever he went upstairs. Bellamy's hand rested on Jasper's shoulder, thumb rubbing small circles into his shoulder blade before Jasper relaxed into his touch. Was this something he wanted for a long time? He felt like it was. Monty offered countless times, but Jasper pretended to tough it out, waiting until the late hours of the night to break into sobs and beg for an answer from someone, anyone, as to why it had to be Maya. Jasper felt his eyes welling up, and he pressed himself closer to Bellamy, burying his face into Bellamy's neck and wrapping his own arms around him. Bellamy hardly flinched, pulling him in and rubbing his back. "I'm really sorry." He said again, and Jasper felt the tears now trailing down his cheeks, trying to pull away and rub his eyes, but Bellamy had him in his arms now, and he didn't feel like moving much either.

"S'okay." Jasper sniffled, but he hadn't cried in a couple of nights, and it was starting to catch up to him.

"It's not." Bellamy shook his head.

"I'm a little tired of crying." Jasper pulled away with soft laugh, Bellamy giving him a sad smile in return. "I'm still sad she's gone. I miss her so much. But if she saw me sad for this long, she'd tell me to stop crying and be happy, or move on, or something. I can hear her saying it right now." Jasper said timidly.

"I didn't know her that well, but she seemed nice. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me."

"I wasn't there when you needed me either." Jasper said. "I don't want to do that to you again. I have Monty, and other friends, but you... you're different." Jasper said. Bellamy flushed in response to that, his cheeks warm to the touch. Bellamy didn't have anything else to say, and Jasper seemed to lose his train of thought when he saw Bellamy's flushed cheeks, eyes tracing over his red skin before he reached his throat. From there, he spotted a few bite marks on the skin, his own face warming and looking away. He hoped Bellamy hadn't noticed him staring so intensely, but he couldn't help feeling embarrassed after he saw it. Jasper gestured towards the books on the floor. "I-I can pick these up."

"You don't have to." Bellamy shook his head, but Jasper was already picking up some of the other books they had left abandoned. Four shelves of books messed up and some practically ruined. Jasper wanted to ask again, about who it was that did this, but he had already pushed his luck enough that day. He didn't want to say anything to put Bellamy off, so he picked up the books and piled them on top of one another by last name. Bellamy tried to grab a book with his hand, but Jasper stopped him, shaking his head and stuttering lightly. He didn't expect to be so close to Bellamy this way, able to inspect every part of him, even the small scar just above his upper lip, his dark brown eyes and the way there were little hazel flecks in them. Jasper swallowed thickly, his mouth feeling as dry as the desert as picked up another book.

"Don't hurt your hand. It's okay. I want to help." Jasper watched as Bellamy nodded, pulling his hand away and pushing himself off of the floor. After a moment, he reappeared with a box in his hands, setting it down beside Jasper.

"If there are any books beyond repair... you can take them." Bellamy said softly. "This was the classics section anyways. I'm sure there's a couple of books you'd like."

"Jeez, Bell, at least let me pay for them." Jasper said, but Bellamy shook his head and stood up again. The shelf Emerson ripped off was barely hanging on by one screw, awkwardly placed over the other shelf beneath it. Bellamy tried his best to search behind it, finding the screws behind it torn out. Bellamy shook his head, obviously bothered by the fact that there went another shelf he couldn't use. Jasper was busy with the books, tracing his fingers over the pages. "You know, a lot of these are salvageable. We'll just have to tape a couple of pages here and there. Here, I already got through a whole shelf." Jasper said, pointing at the pile of books. Bellamy nodded, not bothering to mention that one shelf was ruined. Part of him was worried about the books, but the other part of him was, shamefully, worried about Murphy. He hadn't had any trouble with the cops like that in months, not since his mother died, and even then, they were more sympathetic than they were now. Emerson even apologized for his loss, which was odd, considering all Emerson liked to harass Bellamy about before was how his mother was only good for sex. Bellamy hid the obvious anger that flared up in him when he thought of that.

Jasper was talking, and Bellamy was hardly paying attention to him, the words lost on him as he picked up the pile of books Jasper had cleaned up and set them down on the shelf. They were out of order, barely organized by last name, but Bellamy couldn't care. He wondered who told Emerson that Murphy was coming around. They were pretty discreet about the times they had their "meetings", and even then, if the cops saw Murphy walking out of Blake's, they would've questioned him right then and there. Emerson may have been a prick, but he wasn't stupid.

"Bellamy?" Jasper said, repeating himself so Bellamy could hear him. He seemed to come back to reality, eyes moving from the bookshelf in front of him to Jasper on the ground.

"Y-yeah?"

Jasper paused, debating on pushing Bellamy more to talk to him, but he had just regained what little trust they had before. He didn't want to blow it, but a part of him wanted to take Bellamy upstairs, sit down on the couch and ask him to unload his stories while they drank until they couldn't think straight anymore. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to remember exactly it was that he wanted to say. Bellamy made him forget sometimes.

Bellamy crouched down, eye level with Jasper as Jasper stuttered and his words were trapped in his throat. Bellamy was close. He was so close, he could feel his breath leaking past his lips. His eyes were serious, not much emotion showing on his face when Jasper flushed brightly, face warm and obviously embarrassed by the lack of space between them. Jasper opened his mouth to say something, words leaving him faster than he realized he was saying them.

"I was never scared of you." He admitted. "You never scared me, and what you did didn't scare me either."

"It's okay if I did." Bellamy said under his breath, his voice completely different than it normally was. He sounded vulnerable, open. Jasper shook his head.

"You didn't. God, you didn't." Jasper lowered his gaze to the ground, not wanting to see the expression on Bellamy's face when he said the next thing on his mind. "I was so worried about you."

"About  _ me? _ " Bellamy said. Jasper nodded.

"That's what it was." Jasper said. "I was worried. I was shocked, but mostly worried about you." Jasper hoped the expression on his face was really conveying how he was feeling, because Bellamy was staring at him like he was speaking a foreign language. "You're my friend. What kind of a friend would I be if I wasn't worried about you after you told me all that stuff?"

"A normal one." Bellamy said. Jasper almost leaned forward to shake his head, but Bellamy was still dangerously close, hands resting on his knees.

"I guess I'm far from normal. I- Are  _ you  _ okay?" Jasper said. Bellamy furrowed his brows, obviously confused by his question and where it seemingly came from nowhere. "You act really tough, but after all that stuff happened... are you okay?"

Bellamy shrugged, not bothering to give it much thought as he gave Jasper a toothy grin. "Still alive, so I can't be too bad."

"Yeah." Jasper said, a weak laugh leaving him as his heart ached at the sight of Bellamy grinning so widely. God, what was that feeling plaguing him so suddenly? He shook it off and handed Bellamy another pile of books, helping him lift it to the shelf and setting it down. Bellamy gave him an appreciative smile, feeling incredibly stupid with all the smiling he was doing, but he was so happy, his chest was full of a warm flooding feeling that he couldn't quite describe. Was it happiness? Appreciation? It felt like a flurry of emotions, Bellamy steeling himself again and remembering what was troubling him earlier. Emerson and Lovejoy came in to bother him, meaning there was something wrong with Murphy. He shouldn't have been worried about that stupid kid at a time like this, with Jasper by his side and all of the other things going on around him, but he couldn't help it. Like it or not, he still had feelings for that idiot. Bellamy glanced out of the corner of his eye, Jasper still beside him as he lifted up another pile of books. The three shelves were full now, and that left one shelf of torn up books. Bellamy lifted them off of the ground, tossing them in the box and watching as Jasper lifted the box. "Where do you want these?"

"Keep them." Bellamy said. "Or sell them. I don't mind."

"Bellamy, whoa, hold on." Jasper said, counting the books and holding up a book. "This book is $20, you're just going to give me a box full of books without charging me? No way, no way."

"It's okay." Bellamy said, but Jasper shook his head furiously.

"I won't do it! No way, I'm not taking all of these books."

"It's not a big deal, Jas." Bellamy said, Jasper feeling embarrassed at the sound of the nickname. "Keep 'em."

"No way, I'm gonna tape them up, and you're going to sell these books." Jasper said. "I've taken advantage of you enough. C'mon, let's tape these ones up."

Bellamy watched as Jasper sat down by the register, setting the box of books down on the counter and grabbing the tape Bellamy kept on hand. He opened one book up, pushing the page together so the words connected again, and then he set the tape down, perfectly fixing the page and grinning as he flipped it over and fixed the following page. Bellamy sat down beside him, fingers reaching for a book when he felt Jasper's hand instead, the two of them jerking their hands away and apologizing before Bellamy let out a breathy laugh, pulling the book out before Jasper grabbed for another one. They stayed like that, fixing up books and giving each other sideways glances. Jasper didn't want the night to pass by any faster. The relaxed mood in the store, the quiet ambiance around them was enough to make him want to stay forever. It was like before. Maybe it would take Bellamy a while to trust him again. Maybe he wouldn't want to tell him many stories anymore, but Jasper held out hope. Even if he had to tell Bellamy every single day for the rest of their friendship that he was sorry, he'd do it all to hear one more story. Bellamy cleared his throat, giving Jasper a sideways glance and licking his lips before he started to speak.

" _ Ai na shil yu op raun hir. _ " Bellamy said. Jasper furrowed his brows, amazed at the way Bellamy said it so naturally.

"What does that mean?" Jasper said. Bellamy kept quiet, his attention returning to the books in front of him. Jasper let out a noise of disbelief, punching Bellamy in the shoulder. "Don't hold out on me? What does that mean?"

"Maybe I'll teach you trigedasleng." Bellamy said easily. "That's the name of it. Grounder creole, jargon, trigedasleng. It's all the same thing."

"You can start by telling me what you just said." Jasper urged, a grin on his face while he nudged Bellamy.

"First lesson, then.  _ Ai _ means I." Bellamy teased.

"Wow, I'm shocked." Jasper said. "Okay, so you said, 'I' something."

" _ Ai na shil yu op raun hir. _ "

"Well, if  _ ai  _ means I, then  _ yu  _ has to mean you."

"Very good." Bellamy said.

"So.... something about you and I?" Jasper said. Bellamy nodded. "C'mon, you can't go quiet now! Please?"

"You'll learn." Bellamy grinned. "Where were you born?"

"Here. I didn't really move out of my hometown." Jasper said in embarrassment. "Why?"

" _ Ai laik Jaspa kom Trikru. _ " Bellamy said, watching as Jasper's eyes widened, and he shook Bellamy's body now, holding onto his shoulder and whining.

"Oh, c'mon! Tell me what that one means, at least! You said my name, and you said I, so what does that mean?"

"'I am Jasper of the tree people.'" Bellamy said. "We used  _ Trikru  _ to identify people born around this area. Made it easier to identify.  _ Ai laik Jaspa.... _ "

" _ Ai laik Jaspa."  _ Jasper stumbled over the words.

" _ Kom Trikru. _ "

" _ Kom Trikru _ ." Jasper repeated. " _ Ai laik J-Jaspa kom Trikru. _ "

"Look at you go." Bellamy said with a laugh. " _ Ai laik Belomi kom Maunkru. _ "

"You... are Bellamy of...?"

"The mountain people." Bellamy grinned. "I was born in Colorado. Mountain area. Octavia was born here, so she's actually  _ Trikru _ . Interesting, right?"

"Bellamy, you have an entire language at your disposal. You know a secret language created just for the gang of people you knew." Jasper had an incredulous tone, his eyes studious as Bellamy hid a smug smile behind his hand. "That's fucking insane."

"It's not that great." Bellamy said. "You get sick of hearing it eventually."

"Keep saying stuff." Jasper said, but Bellamy shook his head. "One more sentence, please?"

Bellamy hesitated, pursing his lips before he nodded.

" _ Beja nou bants _ ."

"What does that one mean?"

"Nothing."

The door to the store swung open, Monty standing behind it with a grin on his face. He pulled his backpack off of his shoulders, setting it down on the counter and pulling out a few jars of hooch.

"I think this reunion calls for a late night session. Don't you?" Monty said. Bellamy had to hide the grin on his face, feeling stupidly happy to see Monty there in front of him, and Jasper sitting next to him. Jasper lifted his hand, and Monty did the same, the two high fiving themselves with a goofy laugh.

"I'm sorry, how did Monty know that we made up?" Bellamy said, shooting Jasper a confused look. Jasper held up his phone shyly, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Bellamy wanted to scold him or something like that, but he couldn't deny that Jasper had somehow texted Monty without Bellamy noticing, so he must have been pretty subtle about it. "Still have a couple of hours till closing." Bellamy reminded, and Monty groaned, Jasper nudging him with his elbow.

"One night won't kill you, will it?" Jasper teased. Bellamy shot him a funny stare, smile growing on his lips as he shrugged.

"Guess not."

Bellamy didn't remember much of the night after that. What he did remember was guzzling down jars and jars of hooch, and after that, popping open a new bottle of whiskey for them to share. Octavia mentioned something about leaving for the night, but beyond that, Bellamy's mind was a complete and total blank.

That was why the morning after, he was  _ extremely  _ confused as to why Jasper was curled up on top of him, cheek resting on Bellamy's chest while he snoozed quietly. He had tried to scoot him off, but every time he pushed just a little too much, Jasper mumbled and held onto him tighter. Now Bellamy was constricted by Jasper's arms, holding him in place while he desperately worked to push him off. Bellamy grunted uncomfortably when Jasper's hand landed on his chest, a sleepy laugh leaving Jasper's lips as he stroked Bellamy's chest. He had to resist the urge to laugh at Jasper's ridiculous ministrations, but he'd be lying if he said that he wasn't feeling particularly warm, especially since Jasper's breath ghosted along his throat and made him shiver. Bellamy poked at Jasper again, mumbling his name before Jasper peered through one eye, frowning and pushing himself off of Bellamy's chest. Bellamy's breath left him, Jasper's eyes quickly going wide as he swung his leg off from over Bellamy, a bright red blush on his face.

"Oh my god." Jasper said, his voice low as he dared to look at Bellamy. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's all right." Bellamy said, sitting up and stretching his arms up over his head.

"I'm really sorry. I've never done that before." Jasper slowly traced his eyes over Bellamy's toned body. "We didn't...? Did we?"

"No, we didn't." Bellamy said.

"Do you remember last night?"

"No." Bellamy admitted.

"How do you  _ know _ then?" Jasper said in embarrassment. Bellamy smirked, poking at Jasper's exposed collarbone.

"I like to bite." Bellamy teased, and immediately burst into laughter when Jasper's face went cherry red, stuttering over his words before he finally nodded and looked away. Bellamy nudged Jasper, gaining his attention again. Jasper's cheeks were still burning, eyes darting from Bellamy's face to the ground repeatedly until Bellamy gave him a smile. Jasper's expression faltered, and he fell silent. "Seriously, Jas, I didn't mind. The only reason I was trying to wake you up was so I could get up and get some coffee started. You and Monty have class today, don't you?"

"Y-yeah." Jasper nodded slowly, as if he completely forgot about classes.

"That's the only reason I wanted to get up." Bellamy said sheepishly when he realized just how embarrassed Jasper was. He rubbed the back of his neck, pushing himself off of the floor and walking to the kitchen before he could say anything more embarrassing. Monty was snoring on the couch, clearly unfazed by their conversation. Bellamy was almost thankful for that. He appreciated being alone with Jasper. He apologized, and Bellamy was glad that they could be friends again. Spending some time with him in the morning was comforting, reassuring, he guessed. Bellamy grabbed the coffee grounds from the fridge, pouring some in the coffee filter and turning the pot on after a moment. He turned to Jasper, who was still sitting on the floor with a beet red blush. Bellamy smiled and approached him, sitting down on the floor again so their eyes could meet.

"Coffee takes a while to brew." Bellamy said, easing himself onto the pillows on the floor again, stretching his arms out and leaving a blatantly obvious space beside him. "We can relax for a little bit longer."

Jasper stared at Bellamy, trying to figure out what exactly it was Bellamy was going for, before he finally, hesitantly, laid down on the pillow. Jasper tried to keep to a small space on the floor, but between the couch and the coffee table in front of them, there was hardly any space. Bellamy held back a snicker so he could poke the top of Jasper's head to catch his attention.

"Call me crazy, but I  _ think  _ this is why you were on top of me." Bellamy said, gesturing to the obvious lack of space Jasper had. They both sat up, stretching their arms up over their head and sighing softly before Jasper pulled his knees up to his chest. He shamelessly stared at Bellamy, eyes meeting between a quiet greeting. Bellamy didn't know what to say, but he wasn't so sure if there was anything he really  _ needed  _ to say.

"Do you remember what you said to me yesterday?" Jasper said. Bellamy furrowed his brows, curious as to what part he meant. He said a lot of different things yesterday, so he needed something more specific than that. Jasper licked his lips, tongue barely brushing against his lips as Bellamy shivered and forced himself to tear his gaze away. That feeling, those shivers that ran up his spine, he knew that sensation, those feelings. Bellamy shook his head. " _ Beja....  _ I can't remember the rest." Jasper said. " _ Ai na shil.... _ "

"Well, which one do you want to hear about first?" Bellamy said. Jasper took a second to think about it. " _ Beja nou bants,  _ or,  _ ai na shil yu op raun hir. _ "

" _ Beja nou bants." _ Jasper said, nodding when Bellamy finished both phrases. "Or both of them. Whatever you want to do."

" _ Beja nou bants _ loosely translates to, "Please do not leave."" Bellamy let his voice fall at the end of his sentence, Jasper's eyebrows raising as he remained silent. Jasper let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, his chest tight, and his heart aching as his pulse pounded beyond belief. He scooted closer to Bellamy, sitting next to him and gauging his reaction. Bellamy stared at him from the corner of his eye, feeling particularly vulnerable after translating that phrase. He never said that to anybody before. He never thought he'd have to.

"I won't." Jasper said, and rested his head on Bellamy's shoulder. Bellamy's expression softened, his grimace turning into something like a strange smile. Jasper didn't care how odd it was though. He pressed closer, wishing there was some way he could say something as meaningful to Bellamy, but everything he thought of somehow slipped his mind. All of the words he had ever read in books, all the charming phrases he practiced in his mind, all of it was gone, and all there was left... was Bellamy. Jasper bit down on his bottom lip, looking up at Bellamy to find that Bellamy was staring down at him. Their breathing fell together in time, Jasper taking a deep breath and Bellamy's own chest rising and falling at the same time. Jasper's voice fell in his throat, but he forced himself to say the words before he lost the courage to. "Bellamy?" Bellamy nodded. "Don’t leave me either.”

Bellamy smiled sadly, running his hand through Jasper's dark hair and having to resist the urge to pull Jasper into his arms and hold him as tightly as he possibly could.

"I won't leave you either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! as per usual, here is the update! i would like to say that the story will be taking a three week to a month hiatus while i catch up with writing it out and everything! i focused a lot of my time in the past month on other stories, on short things that turned into big things and are now monstrous things, and i'd like to get those out of the way before i return my attention back to this story. i actually have 12 chapters written out for this story so far (even though there are only 7 posted, i have 12 total), but i'd like to be ahead of the game as much as i possibly can. i hope this hiatus brings better writing for this story, and thank you for being patient with me!
> 
> also, this chapter was very _very_ lightly edited, so if there are obvious mistakes and glaring errors, please point them out to me and i'll fix them asap :') thank you for reading!


	8. Whenever the Hell We Want

_Sweat ran down the sides of Bellamy's forehead as he shoved through the crates in the basement. He had spent hours looking for one they used to move product across the state, needing the information written on it when he noticed it smelled particularly putrid in the basement. Bellamy waved his hand in front of his face, ridding himself of the scent for only a second. It reeked again, Bellamy pulling the spare bandanna he kept in his pocket up to his face and tied it in place. It wasn't a great smell, but it was better than whatever it was that stunk down there. He hated coming down to the basement too, because it was so dark and creepy. He hated that they were short on product, and now he had to retrace his steps and find out why they had so little in that box._

_Bellamy kicked another crate in irritation, damning whoever it was that sent him downstairs to find it. He could've had anybody else do this, but of course, he was the leader, and he wanted to be the one to come back with the information to make sure nobody was trying to fuck around with him. Bellamy lifted a crate and threw it to his right, finally eyeing a crate that looked familiar, a blue streak painted on it to identify just where it came from._ Skaikru _, the north. Bellamy kicked it, furrowing his brows when he heard a dull thud. It was turned on its side, opening on the right instead of the top. Bellamy pulled a flashlight from his pocket, pointing it at the information lazily scrawled on the side in trigedasleng. Curiously, Bellamy pointed the flashlight inside of the crate, curious as to what was left inside that could make such a dull noise. Bellamy spotted a shoe, kicking the crate again and telling the person to wake up. Probably coked out of their mind, or maybe drunk, Bellamy kicked harder, and then crouched down, moving the flashlight up their body to their face. His fingers shook, flashlight falling to the ground as he fell back on his butt._

_The girl inside of the crate had blonde hair that fell to her shoulders. Her thin t-shirt was torn, barely hanging onto her shoulders and exposing her black bra. Bellamy heaved, turning over and throwing up what little food he had scrounged up just a few hours earlier. He dared to look at her again, studying her face. Her eyes were open, bloodshot, and her lips were blue, a white foam dried just outside of her lips. He heaved again, nothing else coming out after he threw up his small dinner. Bellamy grabbed his flashlight, pointing it at her again before he realized he had never seen this girl in his life. If it were a gang member, he'd be able to go upstairs and demand to know what happened, but this was a stranger. Bellamy forced himself to remember why he came downstairs. The crate had so little drugs, and Lexa demanded to know where the rest of it was. Bellamy came down to figure out where the box came from, and then...._

_No._

Skaikru _, they couldn't have been involved in this._

_A human in a box._

_Bellamy ran to the stairs, barging through the basement door and slamming it behind him. The club fell silent, all eyes on him. Raven tried to console him, her hand landing on his arm and squeezing to reassure him that she was there for him, but he shook her off and darted his eyes across the room._

_"Club meeting." Bellamy said, and everybody ran towards the main room. The few stragglers left behind, either too drugged out or just plain stupid, stared at Bellamy. "Did I fucking stutter? Club room. Now." He said, and with that, they ran as well. Raven's eyes narrowed, her expression pleading and curious, but Bellamy didn't care. He didn't have time to confide in people, especially when any of these people could have been the one to murder that girl._

_As he walked into the club room, he remembered her tangled blonde hair, and her makeup smeared across her face. He remembered the way her clothes were vulnerably loose around her body. He remembered it all._

_Bellamy stood at the end of the club table where his most important officers sat. Lexa at the far end, her lips in an obvious frown while she glared at Bellamy from across the table._

_"Where's my shipment?" She growled across the table._

_"I know why you were missing product." Bellamy reassured her, trying to appease her obvious impatience with the situation. He knew as soon as he told her what happened, she would eat her words and demand justice instead. He and Lexa may have been criminals, but they still had a code they held themselves to. No human trafficking of any kind. No pointless murder. No stealing of product. No rats. Bellamy cleared his throat, trying to weed out who could possibly be a suspect. His officers were the furthest from his mind, staring at each of them, and then moving his eyes to the club instead. He knew everybody. He knew all of their names. He knew they were all there in front of him. He furrowed his brows and leaned on the table. "Somebody was moving people." Bellamy said, the club quietly mumbling before it turned into a dull roar. Lexa stood up, clearly furious._

_"_ People? _" She spat. "We wouldn't do that. I'll ask again, where is my product?"_

_"Lexa, there's a body in the basement." Bellamy said, gesturing towards the exit where he had just came in from. "I saw her myself."_

_"Who the fuck would do that?"_

_"That's fucked up."_

_"Is she still down there?"_

_"What are we going to do with her body? We can't go to the cops!"_

_"Bellamy, you've been out of town. It could've been anybody trying to move stuff without you knowing."_

_"Murphy was the one in charge."_

_"Yeah, Murphy's always talked about moving bigger things!"_

_"It was Murphy!"_

_Bellamy heard the voices rise all at once, eyes turned to Murphy, young, wide eyed, sitting at the table as he pushed his chair out from underneath him and shook his head._

_"You all know I meant moving product to other countries,_ not  _people." Murphy snapped, his eyes moving from the table in front of him to Bellamy's tall figure at the end of it. "Bell, you've gotta believe me. I would never even fucking think about human trafficking. What we're doing is fucked up enough, I don't want to add murder to my list."_

_"Hang him!"_

"Frag em op!"

"Ripa!"

"Ripa!"

"Ripa!"

_Bellamy heard the shouts rise into a crescendo, their voices mixing together before he finally dared to look back at Murphy. He should've thought this through, but he couldn't deny the fact, the quiet rumblings in the club where people mentioned the Murphy was always trying something behind his back. He searched for something, anything in Murphy's face, and he found it, a sign that Murphy really meant what he was saying._

_"I didn't do it!" Murphy shouted over the crowd, his voice intimidating and quieting them down. Lexa looked at Bellamy, shaking her head and fixing her gaze on Murphy as she walked from her side of the long table to his._

_"_ Jus drein, jus daun." _She said, Bellamy's eyes widening at her words. The club heard her, catching onto the chant and shouting it with her._

"Jus drein, jus daun!"

"Jus drein, jus daun!"

"Jus drein, jus daun!"

"Wamplei kom thauz kodon!"

"Jus drein, jus daun!"

"Gouthru klin!"

_Bellamy stopped at the words, since they had no word for hanging, but they did have a word for suicide, which was equated to the same thing._

_"Enough!" Bellamy shouted, silencing the people all at once, except for Lexa, who had pulled out her knife and was standing just a few yards away from Murphy. Murphy pulled out his own pocketknife, pathetic as it was compared to Lexa's own. "Put it away!" Bellamy ordered, and Lexa glared at him, taking a second to debate on it before she slid it back into its sheath. "Have you all forgotten one of the fucking rules around here?" Bellamy waited, silence greeting him as they all looked at the ground in shame. "No pointless murder." Bellamy repeated. "_ Yo gaf frag em op? Yo gaf Mofi gouthru klin? _" (You want to kill him? You want Murphy to hang?)_

"Oso gaf frag em op. Ripa!" ( _We want to kill him. Murderer!_ ) _Lexa snarled at Murphy, her hand reaching for the knife she had just put away._

"Ai sad raitnes kom Mofi. Oso sad raitnes kom Mofi." _(I'll decide the justice for Murphy._ We'll _decide justice for Murphy_.)  _Bellamy pointed his gaze at Lexa, gesturing at her seat. She returned with an angry huff, her cheeks tinged red in anger._

"Belomi sad baga Mofi klin." ( _Bellamy sides with the enemy._ )  _Lexa spat._

_"I am not siding with him." Bellamy shook his head, shooting a glare over to Murphy. "I know you, Murphy. You talked about moving people before."_

_"Yeah, once."  Murphy admitted. "When we first started, and that was it. After that, I despised the idea."_

_"You despise the idea now because you are on trial." Lexa corrected him. Murphy let out a laugh in disbelief._

_"This is a trial? Oh good, surrounded by a jury of my peers that all want me dead." Murphy said, looking at Bellamy and shaking his head. "Bell, c'mon, you know I could never do something like that. Do you think I have a death wish? You think I'd do that shit while you're gone?"_

_"_ Ai wich nou disha spichen ripa op." ( _I don't believe this lying murderer.)_   _Lexa said._

_"God, can't you speak English?" Murphy said. "We all know the language."_

_"You protest because you can't speak trigedasleng." Lexa said. "You have no idea what any of us have been saying, do you?"_

_"Of course I have no idea-"_

"Frag em op,  _kill him._ Ripa,  _murderer._ Jus drein, jus daun,  _blood must have blood._ Wamplei kom thauz kodon,  _death by a thousand cuts._ Gouthru klin,  _suicide." Lexa felt a smug smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Everybody wants you dead. Even Bellamy said he decides the justice delivered to you."_

_"Bell, you don't actually-"_

"Tai en frag em op!" ( _Tie him up and kill him!)_

" _I didn't fucking do it!" Murphy shouted. Bellamy furrowed his brows, feeling Raven tug on his arm and catch his attention. He looked down at her, eyes serious as she nodded once and then looked at Murphy. Murphy furrowed his brows, shaking his head and trying to run away from the table. Finn stood up from his side now, slamming his hands down and shouting at Bellamy, but his words were lost in the loud mess before him. Lexa ordered her part of the crew, hands latching onto Murphy's shoulders and arms, dragging him through the club room to the exit outside. Bellamy followed, his throat dry, his head pounding._

_Murphy didn't do it._

_So why was Bellamy letting them take him away?_

_Murphy struggled, screaming and trying to jerk his arm away from them all. Bellamy heard a resounding crack, and then a sharp cry from Murphy that tore through the crowd. They had broken his arm. Lexa fell back from her group, standing beside Bellamy as they reached the large tree that grew behind the club. It had been there as long as Bellamy could remember. From there, a rope appeared, somebody throwing it across a tree branch. The noose was already tied._

_"Don't fucking do this!" Murphy screamed, Lexa's soldiers holding onto him and lifting him up. She lifted her hand to stop them, holding Murphy in mid-air. Murphy's eyes darted from Lexa to Bellamy, pleadingly shaking his head. Bellamy fell silent, feeling all eyes of the crowd on him. If he changed his mind now, the club would think he was weak. He swallowed hard, a sheen of sweat on his forehead as he bit back bitter tears. Not in front of everybody else. Not now._

"Mofi kom Sangedakru." (Murphy of the desert people.)  _Bellamy began somberly._ " _You've been found guilty of murder and treason. Under the club's rules, you are sentenced to death."_

_"Don't do this, don't fucking let them do this to me, Bellamy!" Murphy pleaded. The noose was hung around his throat._

_The silence among the crowd was deafening, even worse than when they were screaming. "John Murphy, you are sentenced to death by hanging. Any last words?"_

_Murphy lost all of his words, his thoughts running together and turning to mush. He swallowed hard, staring at Bellamy while the noose tightened around his throat, the other end of the rope tied to the trunk of the tree._

"Yu gonplei ste odon." ( _Your fight is over_.)  _Bellamy said, turning his back on the scene and pushing through the crowd as soon as he heard Murphy's choked cries turn into gags, the rope tight against his throat. Part of Bellamy wished that they had dropped him from a higher distance. At least, if they did, he had a chance of dying from his neck snapping instead. Bellamy felt hot tears pricking at the corner of his eyes, Raven following closely and trying to get his attention._

_Out of the chanting of the crowd, Bellamy heard the shrill shout of a girl's voice._

_"It wasn't him!" She screamed, Bellamy turned immediately to find a young girl, not much younger than Murphy, standing in the path Bellamy had made. He turned on his heel, darting for her._

_"Oh my god." Finn said, grabbing the hatchet he had in his belt loop and bringing it down hard on the rope. Murphy slammed to the ground, arms and legs bound before Finn loosened the nose around his throat, ripping it off and shooting a glare towards Lexa and Bellamy._

_"Charlotte?" Bellamy said. The girl in front of him swallowed hard, her face red in embarrassment. Bellamy grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "What the hell? Why would you do that? How did you do that?" Bellamy said. Charlotte's voice fell, Murphy gasping for breath as the crowd looked at her._

_"My dad... is in serious debt. A-and I thought if I could just move one girl... just one girl, I'd have enough to pay it off. They were going to kill my dad, he's the only one I have left. I couldn't let them kill my dad."_

_"Who's "they"?" Bellamy said. Charlotte furrowed her brows._

_"The Mountain Men."_

_Bellamy's heart fell as the crowd turned their gaze toward him. Bellamy was the only one born in the mountains, and he had done business with the Mountain Men a few times, but they were despised among the club._

_"Charlotte... why didn't you ask for money? We could've loaned it-"_

_"You're a Mountain Man. I was afraid you'd have me banned." Charlotte fell into tears now, her heart aching in her chest as Murphy forced himself to his feet, shakily trembling as he shoved Finn away from him._

_"Kill her." Murphy said. The group of guys he kept at his side most of the time stepped forward, darting for Charlotte, but Bellamy pulled her back from their grasp, Lexa moving in front of Bellamy with her knife pulled out. "C'mon, Bellamy. Justice has to be served. You said it yourself. Sentencing for murder and treason is death." Murphy wiped his nose with the back of his hand, wheezing for breath still. "I think this time, it should be the thousand cuts."_

_"You're not touching her."_

_"I say we hang her." Murphy shouted._

_"Murphy, think about it for a second."_

_"No, Bellamy, she deserves to die."_

_Lexa remained silent, sheathing her knife in her belt loop again and turning to Bellamy._

_"He's not wrong."_

_"Lexa, we are not killing a little girl."_

_"Blood must answer blood."_

_"I didn't mean for her to die, she just wouldn't stop crying, and I offered her some of the stuff to shut her up, but she took too much, and I-"_

_"_ And _she gave away my product." Lexa said. "She has to answer."_

_"No!" Bellamy said, pushing Charlotte back. "We'll ban her. We'll send her and her dad away, but we aren't going to kill her."_

_Lexa bit her lip, mumbling something in trigedasleng and her men standing down._

_"This is wrong." Lexa said._

_"This is what we're doing." Bellamy said. "Charlotte... you're banned."_

_"Oh, that's it?" Murphy said with a laugh of disbelief._

_"You're out of the club, and you have to leave town. You and your dad."_

_"Bellamy, we have nowhere to go." Charlotte said softly. "The apartment we have is because of you, because of this club, please!"_

_"That's... that's not my problem." Bellamy said. "You have 24 hours to get out of town. If you come back, or if you're still here, Murphy will have freedom to do whatever he sees fit." Bellamy said. Murphy's grin brightened when Charlotte turned, her eyes meeting Murphy's intimidating gaze._

_"Better start running, little girl." Murphy coughed. Charlotte nodded, turning to Bellamy and going to hug him, but he shoved her off, shaking his head and looking away from her. He felt a wave of nausea hit him again. Raven had walked away long ago, not caring enough to really want to know what happened. Lexa growled, shaking her head as Bellamy ran his hands through his hair, scrubbing his face with his hands before he looked at Finn, his eyes dark and judging._

_"We have to move her body." Bellamy said. Finn nodded, grabbing one of Lexa's men, Nyko, along the way. Bellamy stopped at the entrance to the club room, desperately trying to hide the tears that wanted to spill over. Nyko followed Bellamy, silently walking downstairs to the mess of crates Bellamy made. They all stopped at the sight of the girl, her arm hanging outside of the crate. Bellamy covered his mouth again and turned the opposite way, throwing up behind another crate. He'd have to wash the basement out later._

_"_ Sen bilaik wamplei." ( _It smells like death._ )  _Nyko said, and Bellamy nodded, covering his mouth with his hand. Finn pulled a cloth from his pocket, covering his face while Nyko did the same. The two of them pulled her out of the crate, Bellamy finally composing himself long enough to stand up and stare at the girl. Her lips were blue, contrasting with the blood that was trailing out of her nose, now that Bellamy had a better light to stare at her. Her eyes weren't actually bloodshot, but gray, and dark. He must have been seeing things when he looked at her earlier._

_"We'll have to air out the basement." Bellamy said, forcing himself to tear his fixated gaze on her away, and turning to the top of the basement, where the rest of the club stood. "Atom, Mbege, down here. Open up all the windows you can, we've gotta air this place out."_

_Murphy came downstairs with them, his knees weak as he rubbed at his neck. The rope left a deep mark, purple and obvious. Bellamy swallowed his fear, opting to stand beside Finn and Nyko as they spoke softly between one another._

_"How do we hide this?"_

_"We can dump her somewhere." Finn said helplessly._

_"Cops are patrolling the river from the last dump." Nyko reminded, and Finn nodded. "No fire."_

_"What if we just bury her?" Finn said. Bellamy shook his head._

_"Can't, it's too obvious. What if the cops do a random search again? You saw what they did last time, they tore the entire place apart. We're just lucky Lexa got out of here with the shipment before they busted in."_

_"Bellamy, we can't keep her down here."_

_Bellamy furrowed his brows, biting down on his bottom lip and then shaking his head._

_"Put her back in the crate. I'll dump her on the way to_ Azgedakru."

* * *

Jasper spotted a girl studying the books on the shelves, picking up a book that had been ripped from whoever it was that came in to harass Bellamy on the day they finally apologized to each other. She ran her fingers through the pages, hesitating when she reached a torn page, but carried it to the counter nevertheless. Bellamy rang her up, offering a discount because of the torn page, but the girl shook her head and paid full price before she left, a smile on her face as the door closed behind her. Jasper stared at Bellamy for a few seconds until Bellamy groaned and rolled his eyes.

"God, shut _up_." Bellamy said, and Jasper grinned teasingly. Jasper lifted his hand defensively.

"I didn't even say anything! And I'm sorry, who was the one that said keeping the books was a good idea? Wasn't that me? Pretty sure that was me." Jasper teased as Bellamy chucked a tennis ball at him from the far end of the store, chuckling lightly as Jasper picked it up and threw it back. "God, I'm so smart."

"And so humble." Bellamy said, making Jasper smile wider.

"You know me." Jasper said. "Bell?"

"Yeah."

"Have you... thought about it?"

Bellamy furrowed his brows, pretending to not know what it was Jasper was referring to, even though the thought of it had been plaguing him since Jasper asked again.

"About telling me more?" Jasper urged. Bellamy shook his head, turning his back on Jasper so he could mess with the books behind him instead, straightening them up before he turned around once more.

"No." Bellamy said, and gave him a weak, joking laugh, though he regretted say it as soon as he finished. "Maybe you'll have to get some drinks in me."

"I.... N-no." Jasper said, turning his gaze back to the book in front of him. It was the same book Bellamy had given to him the night that Maya.... He hadn't touched it since, afraid that if he did, something bad would happen, but nothing did.  _Moise and the World of Reason_ by Tennessee Williams. Jasper had read  _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_ years ago when he was still in high school, and had never ventured into his works again, but  _Moise and the World of Reason_ was something else, something odd. Bellamy mentioned he had read it a few years back, but never said if it was good or bad. So far, it seemed pretty neutral.

Bellamy heard the door to the shop open, Jasper looking up to see Bellamy's expression drop, a scowl on his face as he stepped forward. Jasper tried to follow Bellamy's gaze, but the view to the door was blocked by the bookcase in front of him.

"Get out." Bellamy said.

"C'mon, Bell, don't say you haven't missed me."

Jasper felt a chill run up his spine at the sound of that rugged voice. He stood up, stuffing his book away in his bag as quietly as he possibly could. Murphy laughed from the front of the store, Bellamy shaking his head and lifting his hands up in front of him.

"I'm serious. Get out of my store, or I'll call the cops."

"Oh, you wouldn't." Murphy grinned widely. "Not while I'm carrying, would you?"

"That's not my problem." Bellamy said. "As a matter of fact, especially while you're fucking carrying."

"Oh, but... it is your problem. See, if the cops arrest me in here, I'll tell them that I was bringing _you_ product to move in here, and then... well, that would be bad for both of us, wouldn't it?"

Jasper hesitated when he saw the look on Bellamy's face. Initially, he was going to run away, try and slip out of the store so he didn't have to see this, because he knew Bellamy didn't want him to. But Bellamy's eyes darted from Murphy, then to the floor, furrowing his brows and biting down on his bottom lip like he couldn't figure out what to do. Jasper dropped his backpack, walking behind the bookcase and appearing from the other side, making Murphy look at him instead. A smirk crept onto Murphy's face, shaking his head while Bellamy's eyes widened.

"Jasper, get out of here." Bellamy said desperately.

"No." Jasper said. "C'mon, we're all civilized here, aren't we?" Jasper said, slowly easing himself in front of Bellamy, who was trying to shove him out of the way. "How about you get out of here while you still can, and we'll forget that any of this happened?"

"Yeah?" Murphy said, hands darting for his shirt and pulling him in close. Bellamy instinctively grabbed Murphy's wrist, but Murphy pulled out a knife, holding it to Jasper's cheek. "How about you get the fuck out of my face, and I won't cut your pretty little one up?" Murphy whispered the last part, Jasper shaking in his hold, but not intimidated. Murphy kept the knife held to his cheek, and Jasper, without realizing it, had started leaning forward against it. The blade dug into his cheek, slicing a thin line into his skin before Murphy jerked it back and shoved Jasper away, the tall boy tripping over his own feet and falling to the ground with a quiet thud. "What, you've got college students protecting you now, Bellamy?" Murphy said. Bellamy's hand tensed at his side, balling them into fists. He opted to ignore Murphy and turned his gaze down to Jasper. He reached his hand out for him, pulling Jasper off of the ground and nodding in the direction of the front door.

"Go."

"Bellamy, no." Jasper said, his hands trembling from the fear that rocked through his core. Bellamy met his gaze, their eyes locking together. The serious expression made Jasper swallow hard, nodding before he shot Murphy a glare. Bellamy felt Jasper's hand slide over his own, their fingers lacing together as Bellamy squeezed tightly. Jasper pulled his hand away after he looked into Bellamy's eyes again. 

"Get home, now, Jasper." Bellamy ordered, his expression stern. Jasper objected again, but his words fell on deaf ears, and he nodded somberly. "Let me know when you get home safe."

"God, I'm gonna throw up from how fucking cheesy this is." Murphy said from his spot at the the counter.

"I'll be okay." Bellamy said reassuringly, Jasper shaking his head in disbelief, but allowed himself to be escorted to the front door. He walked out, holding his backpack to his chest as he started down the sidewalk. Everything inside of him was telling him to stay, to argue with Bellamy and maybe focus Murphy's attention elsewhere, but he didn't know  _what_ he could've done to stop him. Jasper swallowed hard, glancing at his phone when he realized it was still early. Even if he couldn't spend time with Bellamy at the store, he could spend time with Maya. Monty would still be on campus, working on some club things, so Jasper would be able to snatch up some hooch and walk to her grave. His throat went dry at the thought, but he knew if he didn't find someplace else to be, someone else to be  _with_ , he would be worried beyond belief for Bellamy Blake.

Bellamy locked the door to the shop, turning the open sign off and finally directing his attention to the smirking John Murphy in front of him.

"You're not really holding, are you?" Bellamy said. Murphy shook his head easily, sliding the pocketknife into his jacket pocket and easing himself onto the counter.

"Got rid of him pretty quickly, though."

" _I_ got rid of him." Bellamy corrected Murphy. "I can't fucking believe you." Bellamy said, shaking his head disapprovingly and heading upstairs while Murphy trailed after him, an easy smile tugging at his lips before they finally reached the second floor. Murphy slammed the door behind him, lunging for Bellamy as soon as Bellamy turned to face him. Bellamy stumbled back on the couch, falling back on the edge of it and ending up on his back while Murphy pinned him to the couch. The smirk on Murphy's face was smug, a glimmer in his eye as his fingers tightened around Bellamy's throat. Bellamy waited, taking a long breath before Murphy tightened, and then loosened after rolling his hips. Bellamy gritted his teeth to hold back a moan in his throat. If Murphy was going to be such an asshole about it, Bellamy wanted to make him work for that satisfaction.

Murphy's fingers hastily worked at the bottom of Bellamy's t-shirt, tugging it off over his head and throwing it in the direction of the table. Bellamy grunted when Murphy leaned over and caught his lips in a rough kiss, all teeth and no tact, bumping awkwardly against each other. Bellamy pushed himself up on his elbows. He sat up with Murphy on his lap, arms snaking around his waist and pulling him in closer. They separated, dizzy from the sensation of being together again when Bellamy lifted both himself and Murphy off of the couch, throwing Murphy down on his back and biting down on his throat once he settled back into a comfortable rhythm. Always a vocal person, Murphy burst into a moan, body tingling with pleasure as desire surged through his veins faster than any drug ever could. His hands worked into Bellamy's wavy locks of brown hair, tugging lightly and enjoying the hum Bellamy made against him as their hips rutted together. Bellamy mouthed his way to the spot behind Murphy's ear, panting breaths escaping him as he pulled away, lips just beside Murphy's ear.

"Murphy?" He rasped out, Murphy naturally melting at the sound of his voice. He nodded, tugging harder at Bellamy's hair.

All at once, the pleasure seemed to stop, a tight pressure around his throat as his eyes shot open. All air stopped circulating to his lungs, and Murphy looked at Bellamy, his face lacking any sort of expression. He squeezed tighter.

"If you ever hurt him like that again," Bellamy said, Murphy's hands tugging at his fingers to ease some air back down his throat again, "I'll kill you."

When Bellamy finally released his grip on Murphy's throat, a gasp resounded through the air, Murphy rubbing his throat desperately as he wheezed for air. Bellamy would have felt bad, would have apologized and taken care of him, but the bulge in Murphy's jeans said Bellamy should do otherwise. He leaned over Murphy, hands running down the sides of his arms before he pinned them to the couch. At times like these, he wished he had a bed. Tying somebody up to a couch was damn near impossible, and considering Bellamy  _loved_ tying people up, it was a little troublesome. But he would make do. Murphy huffed, his tongue feeling heavy and knotted in his mouth as he searched for something to say, but everything escaped him when he felt Bellamy bite down on his throat again.

"You're lucky threatening me gets me off." Murphy mumbled back, a moan interrupting his sentence as Bellamy shoved his hips into Murphy's own again. Bellamy sucked hard on the spot he bit down on, waiting until he heard Murphy hiss through his teeth to stop and pull away. He didn't take the time to admire his work, instead pulling away and forcing Murphy to sit up as he worked his jacket off over his shoulders. Murphy tossed it on the floor, his shirt following shortly after. Murphy's hands immediately shot for Bellamy's jeans, fingers working at the buttons as Bellamy wrapped his hands around Murphy's wrists, stopping his movements and then placing his finger under Murphy's chin so he'd look up at him. Murphy shivered, lips parting just enough for Bellamy to lean in and slide his tongue over Murphy's own. A gentle hum escaped Murphy's throat, leaning closer into Bellamy's touch, but it just wasn't enough. Bellamy bit down on Murphy's bottom lip as he pulled away, and after a second of hesitation, Murphy shoved Bellamy down into the couch. "I get biting is your thing, but Jesus, can't you calm down?"

"Does it hurt?" Bellamy smiled when Murphy's cheeks flushed. Murphy stopped Bellamy from saying anything now, kissing him again before Bellamy could get any smugger. Their lips worked together perfectly now, Bellamy's touch soft as he lifted his hand to Murphy's hair and ran his fingers through his slicked hair. God, what time was it, he wondered. If it was too late, Octavia would be home soon, and the last thing he wanted was her interrupting a good time. The room fell into a comfortable silence, the sound of their lips parting and pressing together again the only thing Bellamy could focus on when he realized he had sat up on the couch, and Murphy was straddling his lap now. The button on his jeans had come undone, but Murphy was languidly rocking his hips forward now, the friction between their bodies just enough to make Bellamy hungry for more.

Murphy's lips parted again, Bellamy's tongue lolling out and Murphy taking it within his own mouth. Their hot breaths mixed, Bellamy not even parting to breathe when he felt Murphy's arms wrap around his shoulders. Bellamy's heart ached. This situation was familiar. This position was familiar. Murphy was familiar. Bellamy pulled away, resting his forehead on Murphy's own as their both panted. The scent of cigarettes and coffee lingered on Murphy's breath, disgustingly intoxicating as Bellamy breathed it in when he pushed Murphy's long, messy hair out of his face. Bellamy would never be over Murphy's sharp features, the cut of his jaw and the way his lips seemed to fit so perfectly between Bellamy's own. The milky whiteness of his scarred skin was matched only by the icy blue color of his eyes. Bellamy let his eyes flutter open, studying Murphy's reactions to Bellamy's little touches across his body. His hips stuttered forward whenever Bellamy touched him, as if trying to get the message across for Bellamy to get on with it, but there wasn't the normal sense of urgency, of anger that there usually was whenever they ended up fucking on Bellamy's couch.

Internally, he cringed at the use of that word. This didn't feel like fucking anymore.

It felt like something more than sex, but less than making love. Was there something like that? Not casual, but not serious either? A shiver ran down Bellamy's spine when Murphy opened his eyes to meet Bellamy's studious gaze. They didn't say anything, all lust and no control as Bellamy leaned in again and captured Murphy's lips between his own. He felt like there wasn't enough, like he wanted more, he wanted everything. He wondered for a split second if Murphy still smoked the same cigarettes they used to in the early morning hours, both of them delirious from lack of sleep, both of them high off of whatever drug was nearest, if Murphy still smoked those same, disgusting things every night before bed and every morning when he woke up. When he could think to ask, everything he thought of dissolved into the taste of his mouth and the softness of his fingertips against Bellamy's stomach.

"Don't you hate me?" Bellamy asked between their kisses, damning himself for letting his thoughts out before he could process them and think twice. Murphy pulled away, eyebrows knitted together in confusion, then he swiped his thumb underneath his nose. Bellamy shook his head, hands sliding to Murphy's hips to shift him off, but Murphy pinched Bellamy's cheeks and held him in place.

"I hate you, Bellamy." Murphy said. The words hung heavy between them, the atmosphere tense and thick when Murphy's face softened somehow, the expression of disgust transforming into one of disbelief. "Is that what you want to hear?"

"I want to hear what you really think." Bellamy said, hating how his words sounded small.

"I think you should stop overthinking shit and just... do something." Murphy said. Bellamy nodded, but he still had something else to say, words trapped in his throat.

"I told Jasper." Bellamy said, and Murphy stuttered again, letting out a loud groan in exasperation and throwing his arms up before letting them drop to his sides.

"Goddamn it, Bellamy!" Murphy swung his hips off of Bellamy, sitting back on the couch and trying not to pout so obviously. "Since it's confession time, let's just put it all out on the table, hm? Who else have you told? That goody two shoes princess, now Goggles. Anyone else?"

"No. Just them." Bellamy lied, opting to leave Monty out of it.

"You really know how to kill a mood." Murphy commented, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and flickering the lighter on and off before he lit the cigarette and took a long drag of it. Bellamy didn't protest, instead, staring at the carton's company name on it. He felt a stupid smile on his face. They were the same cigarettes. "Yeah, let's see what other confessions we can come up with since that's what you're so worried about. Hm, let's see-"

"C'mere." Bellamy interrupted , reaching over to Murphy's hand and taking the cigarette out from between his fingers and tossing it in a glass of whiskey Bellamy had left out the night before. Murphy opened his mouth to protest, smoke leaking past his lips when Bellamy pulled him into his lap again, fingers jerking his hips forward as he undid the button on his jeans and slowly slid the zipper down on his fly. They settled into that familiar pattern again, Murphy pulling Bellamy's hair and Bellamy biting down on Murphy as if to prove some point. Murphy leaned his head to the left, leaving his throat open for Bellamy to bite down on. He let out a moan of pleasure as soon as his teeth attached to his flesh, and whimpered when he pulled away, only to find a new spot. Murphy mentioned before that Bellamy's biting was annoying, but after being with him for so long, after countless morning-after's and awkward sex the next night, he was used to it now. They never talked about why Bellamy loved it so much, but he had an idea as to why he did.

Bellamy marked what was his.

"Bell, c'mon, _fuck_ _me_." Murphy pleaded, rolling his hips again, but Bellamy shook his head and laid Murphy down, kissing down his chest and stopping only long enough to pepper kisses on a scar he had on his side. Deep, dark, a knife wound. Murphy shivered as he laced his finger in with Bellamy's hair and tried to hold him in his place. Their quiet panting and moans hardly compared to the sound of their heartbeats pounding their chests. Bellamy swore he could feel everything in that moment, every burning touch of Murphy's fingers, every uncomfortable quirk of his wrist as he tried to pull Murphy's jeans off over his hips, every magnetic pull of their lips when they parted for more than a few seconds.

"I couldn't hate you." Murphy said tenderly, Bellamy trembling at the sound of his words. He nodded and focused on working his jeans off. He didn't want to think anymore. His stomach flipped and turned at every touch of their skin because this was more than fucking. Bellamy Blake would never admit his weakness to anybody other than the person in front of him, and the only reason he was willing to do so was because Murphy  _was_ his weakness.

Bellamy Blake loved John Murphy in a way that made his throat feel tight, his palms feel sweaty, and his heart race when he was in the room.

"You should." Bellamy whispered. Murphy nodded his head, finally moaning the way he wanted to when he felt Bellamy's fingers brush against his hard cock through his boxers.

"I-I should.... Fuck." Murphy nodded, pressing his forehead to Bellamy's own and whining when Bellamy's fingers disappeared for only a second so he could squirm his way out of his own pants. They kissed again, Murphy pulling away as he felt Bellamy touch him again. "But I don't."

* * *

After ambling around the town for a long hour, Jasper ended up drunk, walking around the cemetery and tripping over his own feet as he desperately searched for the entrance. He had been there only a few days ago, and yet, there was a new headstone. Jasper stopped and nodded, pouring a drop of hooch onto the grass before heading over to the familiar aisles of stones with names in order. An aching in his head settled on his temples, throat burning with acid as he finally squinted his eyes at the small headstone and sat down on the grass with a loud huff. It was getting dark by this time, all of the people having left and opting to stay away once the sun went down. Jasper liked going at that time, despite the fact that it was dark, and by the time he was headed back home, he swore he could hear something following him. Jasper laid back on the grass, letting out a breath and setting the jar of hooch he was carrying down beside him. He wondered if Maya was looking at him this way, such a mess beside her stone, but he couldn't bring himself to be any other way. He pretended to be okay for his friends, pretended that he wasn't constantly plagued by the image of her face in his dreams, the sensation of her fingers on his face fleeting before she disappeared for good and he woke up in a puddle of tears and sweat. He hated it. He hated pretending to be that way, but if it meant he'd be able to spend hours like this with her, lying on the grass and staring at the starry sky like they had done so many times before, he'd do it for the rest of his life.

Jasper turned to face the right, as if he half expected Maya to be lying beside him. He let his eyes close, willing himself to remember the warmth of her body as he rested his hand on the dirt beside him and clenched his hand into a fist. That was as close as he'd be to her ever again.

In the back of his mind, Jasper was worried about Bellamy. Of course he was. Bellamy had shooed him off so suddenly once Murphy was in the store, and while Jasper gave in after a little bit of convincing, he regretted not putting up more of a fight and demanding he stay until Murphy left, or something.... But there was another part of him, a part he was ashamed to admit existed, that leaped at the chance to run back to the apartment and grab a jar of hooch before escaping to his normal spot beside Maya's grave for a long night of drinking, and an even longer morning of throwing up.

He told himself that being alone was what he wanted, savoring the gentle caress of wind against his skin and imagining Maya's fingers against his skin, her fingernails catching on his lips before she leaned in and pressed a cold kiss to his cheek, chaste, short, and leaving him wanting more. Begging hands reached for her body, but he was greeted with nothing but mud and disappointment. She was cold, and distant, all this because she was gone. Jasper sat up before he burst into tears again, though he thought he didn't have any more tears to give. The jar of hooch was shaking in his hands, no matter how much Jasper willed himself to calm down and take a sip, just a sip. Instead, he gulped down half of the jar, chest aching and burning as he keeled over and held his stomach. As long as the alcohol stayed in, that was all that mattered. He could feel his phone buzzing uncontrollably in his pocket, but he ignored it for another drink of the hooch and laid back on the grass. As lonely as he was, at least the grass was comfortable.

So comfortable that he found his eyelids drooping, tired eyes searching for something to distract him, but he was already halfway asleep when he realized he could call Monty. He dropped his phone by his side, falling asleep next to Maya. That was as close as he could possibly be.

* * *

Bellamy fell back on the floor with a huff, Murphy lying lazily over the edge of the couch with his hips still raised in the air. He winced as he lowered his sore hips onto the couch, but not before Bellamy smacked his ass and set a folded up blanket on the couch underneath him.

"Murphy." Bellamy grumbled. "You gotta leave."

Murphy mumbled a response into the couch cushion beneath him, Bellamy nudging his shoulder.

"Didn't hear you."

"I said I don't wanna." Murphy responded lazily, turning over on the couch so he could look at Bellamy as a sweating, panting mess on the floor. He grabbed a pillow from the couch, throwing it over Bellamy's hips. "What if your sister walks in?" Murphy teased.

"Well, the first thing she'll see is your white ass, so I think that'll blind her before she sees me." Bellamy laughed in the middle of his sentence as soon as Murphy leaned over and punched him in the chest. The sight of a tender smile on Murphy's face made Bellamy's heart skip, and he laid down on the floor again with a quiet huff. Murphy snapped his finger and pointed at his boxers, which were hanging over the edge of the coffee table. After Bellamy handed him his clothes, he shimmied into his boxers, but not his jeans, and laid down again. "Murph. Seriously."

"God, why do you want to get rid of me so bad?" Murphy said. "Are you embarrassed?"

"A little, yeah." Bellamy admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I used to be in a gang with you?" Bellamy said with an obvious tone, confused as to why Murphy didn't understand where Bellamy was coming from. Octavia had never met Murphy, Bellamy was thankful for that, and he didn't want her to ever meet him. If she ever did, by chance, have the displeasure of being introduced to him, he really didn't want it to be because she walked in on their post-sex glow and knew. She never knew Bellamy had someone like that in his life, and it was just easier to keep it that way. "Because I keep having sex with you even though I act like I can't stand you?"

"That part's just foreplay." Murphy said easily before he sat up on the couch, grimacing when he felt a tender soreness in his hips. "So, what, I'm supposed to feel bad because _you're_ embarrassed?"

"I didn't really ask you to feel bad." Bellamy said, pushing himself off of the ground and stretching his arms over his head. "I said you had to leave."

"God, Bellamy." Murphy said angrily, grabbing his jeans off from the end of the couch and tugging them on before he grabbed his leather jacket off of the couch and tugged it on, sans his shirt. "You're a fucking asshole, you know that?"

"You've mentioned it once or twice."

"I'm fucking serious." Murphy spat. "Listen, I get that sometimes we fuck around together. I'm the first one to ask you, usually. But, y'know, it felt like maybe... I-I don't know." Murphy sounded vulnerable, Bellamy recounting all the times in his head he had that look while they were together. Bellamy was the first one to admit there had to have been something more to their relationship, something more meaningful than sex but less than love, even though the thought of Murphy sent him into a frenzy like no other. He acted like he hated Murphy, but he didn't. He hated what Murphy meant, the reflection of his weakness and his strength all at once. Everything that Bellamy lacked, Murphy embraced wholeheartedly. They were two opposite ends of the spectrum, disgusted by one another, and yet, unable to stay away. Bellamy willed himself not to look at Murphy anymore, instead, tugging on his own boxers and jeans. There went two hours of business time. Bellamy debated even opening the store back up, but opted to take the rest of the night. He guessed that sort of thing was nice to have.

"Murphy, c'mon." Bellamy said, contempt dripping in his tone while he approached Murphy.

"No, don't do that." Murphy pushed Bellamy away. "Don't you ever think about anybody but yourself? Can't you ever stop thinking with your dick for two seconds?"

Bellamy desperately held back the urge to start yelling back at Murphy. He knew that wouldn't do anything good for either of them, but he was offended by the idea that Murphy thought he was selfish and not thinking of him. Murphy wanted to be in Bellamy's life, but not in the way that Bellamy wanted to be in his. Maybe, if they had met under different circumstances, if they hadn't been so wrapped up in one another from the beginning of their toxic relationship, things could have been different. Bellamy could have loved Murphy. Bellamy could have protected him from the rope marks around his throat and the knife wounds in his chest and his sides. If they had spent less time worrying about drugs and when they would get their next fix, they could have been together, truly together, maybe Bellamy would be fine with this now.

But the truth was that they wasted the best of themselves in alcohol and sweat, and now they were nothing more than shells for one another, using themselves to protect the other while giving up part of who they were to keep the other happy. Late nights together and long conversations meant everything during quiet moments like these, but they seemingly ignored the fact that Bellamy hurt Murphy more than any other person had before, and Murphy left his fair share of scars on Bellamy's heart and mind.

"Forget it." Murphy said indignantly. "I should've known."

Bellamy followed Murphy to the door, his shirt in hand as he shoved it into Murphy's chest. Murphy tugged his boots on, a malicious look on his face as he threatened to grab Bellamy by his throat, but stopped himself and shook his head.

"Yeah." Bellamy said hesitantly, feigning a solemn tone and letting himself tear his gaze away from Murphy once more. "You should've."

Murphy slammed the door behind him and didn't look back.

Bellamy wasted no time meandering over to the alcohol cabinet, his lone bottle of whiskey with hardly a fifth left in it on the shelf. He debated calling Monty, asking for a jar of hooch or a chance to hang out or something, but he didn't have the energy now, having given it all to Murphy in return for the best two hours he had experienced in a long time. Murphy had that effect on him, able to make Bellamy forget even the worst of his problems, even if it was only for a few minutes where he could forget all of his problems.

But before he could even grab a glass from the cupboard, his phone rang from the couch, loud and urgent as he walked over while running his hands through his hair. Monty's name came up on the screen, Bellamy furrowing his brows as he answered.

"Hel-"

"Bellamy!" Monty shouted from the other line, quickly apologizing for his sudden voice, but he continued without missing a beat. "Hey, is Jasper there?"

"No, he left a couple hours ago." Bellamy said. "I had to send him home, something happened at the store." Bellamy lied, and he heard a nervous sigh from the other line. "Wait, why? What's wrong?"

"He texted me and said he was going home, but I just got back and none of his stuff is here. Not his backpack, or his wallet, or keys, or anything." Monty's voice had a tone of urgency. "He's not picking up his phone, I have no idea where he is!"

"Monty, it's almost eight." Bellamy said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "I only know where he is until seven."

"Wait-- what did you say?" Monty said.

"The store closes at seven. He leaves right as I'm closing up."

"I thought you closed at nine!" Monty shouted.

"Oh my god, Monty, stop yelling in my ear." Bellamy said, hearing a meek apology from the other line. "No, we close at seven. He leaves right around that time."

"Bellamy, he hasn't been coming home until 10 every night. He told me he picked up food on the way home, but I never asked. H-he told me that after the store closed at nine, he stopped someplace on the way home to get something to eat...." Monty's breath sounded panicked, anxious. "Where is he? I have no clue where he could be."

"Okay, h-hold on." Bellamy said, trying to gather his thoughts enough to figure out what it was they had to do. "All right, Jasper has GPS on his phone, right?"

"I already tried." Monty mumbled sheepishly. "I think his phone died."

"There goes that." Bellamy sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. "All right, how about-"

Right as Bellamy started speaking, Octavia came upstairs, her keys in hand as she waved at her brother and held up bags of groceries. He waved shortly at her, and Octavia immediately knew something was wrong from the quick movement. She stood at the counter, one hand on her hip and the other steadying herself against the counter.

"Okay, hold on, Monty. Let's figure this out without freaking out for one minute." Bellamy said, raising his voice only enough to catch Monty's attention. "Now, where would Jasper go?"

"That's the thing, I have no idea." Monty said desperately. "He goes to your store, home, campus when we're there, but he doesn't really frequent any other places."

"Well, what about stuff he could be doing as of late?" Bellamy said. "I mean, has he picked up any different hobbies? Any friends we can call?"

"No, he's just shut down since-" Monty stuttered, his voice falling weakly before he let out a scoff of disbelief. "Maya."

"What about her?" Bellamy said.

"He's been visiting Maya."

"....Uh,  _how_?" Bellamy said dumbly.

"Her grave." Monty said softly.

"Oh, Jesus."

"I can't leave the apartment, though, what if he comes home and I'm not here?" Monty said. Bellamy looked towards Octavia, her serious expression reassuring before he returned his focus to Monty.

"Stay there. I'll find him and bring him home."

"She's at Greer's." Monty uttered. Bellamy nodded. His mother was buried at Greer's as well, but he hadn't visited her grave since the funeral. "B-Bellamy, could you... could you text me when you find him?"

"I'll call you." Bellamy urged. "Don't worry."

Monty hung up without another word, and Octavia cocked a brow, a question already on the tip of her tongue when Bellamy started talking quickly.

"I have to go out really quick."

"For?"

"Jasper's missing." Bellamy said. "Monty thinks he knows where he is, but he doesn't want to leave their apartment in case he goes back. I'm going to go looking for him." Bellamy tugged on his boots without socks, messing with his hair before he picked up the keys from the counter. "I need you to stay here and listen in case Jasper stops by, okay?" Bellamy nodded in the direction of Octavia's room. "Keep your bat with you, and call me if he does come back. Please."

"Hm." Octavia said before nodding easily. "Let me know when you find him."

"Yeah." Bellamy nodded.

"Bell?" Octavia said. Bellamy skidded to a stop in his tracks, directing attention to her before she smiled awkwardly and gestured to his torso. "A shirt might be helpful."

* * *

God, cemeteries were even worse than hospitals, Bellamy thought, as he drove to the parking lot beside it and stepped out of the car. With a flashlight in his hands and his phone held tightly in the other, he took the first few steps into the cemetery. A shiver worked its way up Bellamy's back, and he let out a shuddering gasp as a particularly strong wind blew past him. If Bellamy were spiritual, he'd say it was the spirits of the people buried there damning him for murdering so many people, for ending the lives of those he had no right to. Or maybe it was his mom, cursing him for never visiting her since her death.

Good thing he wasn't spiritual.

Bellamy followed a path along the way, grass trodden down by the shoes of those mourning their loved ones every day. Bellamy shined his flashlight along the path, spotting a few cigarettes and bottle caps lying on the ground. Apparently people still followed their vices with force while they grieved. Bellamy stopped in his tracks, running his fingers lazily through his hair and realizing that he'd have to walk the whole property to find Jasper. He would call, but Monty mentioned something about his phone being dead. Bellamy rolled his eyes when he remembered that fact.

Out of sheer desperation, Bellamy lifted his hands to the sides of his mouth.

"Jasper!" He shouted, voice echoing through the hills of the cemetery. The cadence of his voice rang through the air until it faded away. "Jasper! Can you hear me?!" Bellamy yelled louder, waiting for the sound of his own voice to finally fade away again. He furrowed his brows when he heard the sound of quiet noises, of groans and tired whimpers coming from just a little ways away. Bellamy couldn't quiet figure out which way the noises were coming from, so he shouted again. Finally, after a second of his voice echoing, he heard the familiar sound of Jasper's voice, grumbling something unintelligible. His feet moved faster than he was thinking, finding Jasper strewn on the grass with empty hooch jars beside him. He had sunken into the grass, drunken moans leaving his lips as Bellamy rolled his eyes and snatched his phone out of his pocket. The phone barely rang once before Monty answered in an excited tone.

"He's fucking drunk." Bellamy said. A stuttering voice came back from the other line, Monty sighing.

"Jesus Christ. I can come pick him up."

"I've got him here, I'll just bring him home." Bellamy said as he turned his eyes back down to Jasper. "Looks like it was three jars of hooch."

"I should stop making it."

"He shouldn't be an idiot and drink three jars." Bellamy corrected Monty. "I'll let you know when we're outside."

Bellamy hung up before he could listen to Monty's guilty voice, and then quickly sent Octavia a text saying he found Jasper and would be home soon. He knew that Monty was going to be beating himself up over it now, damning himself for making the hooch that Jasper guzzled down like he hadn't had anything for days, but it wasn't his fault. At least, Bellamy didn't think so. Bellamy walked towards Jasper, nudging him in the side with the tip of his boot. Hardly rousing from his sleep, Jasper turned on his side and buried his face in the dirt beneath him before Bellamy snatched him up by the collar of the jacket around him, pulling him up on his feet and forcing him awake. Jasper uneasily stood up, knees knocking together while his legs wobbled beneath him. Bellamy took his backpack and tossed the mason jars inside before shoving it into Jasper's chest and shooting him a glare. Jasper was barely conscious, eyes glazed over while they drooped shut.

"Hey!" Bellamy snapped, making Jasper flinch at the sound of his voice. His eyes shot open, and he parted his lips to let out a shocked noise.

"B...Bellamy?" Jasper said, rubbing his eyes with one hand and looking down at his feet. "Is that really you?"

"I'm real, Jasper." He said. For a moment, he regretted taking such a harsh and drastic tone with Jasper, but at the same time, hated the fact that Jasper was lying to him and Monty, and making his best friend worry about him. He didn't want to invalidate what Jasper was going through since he had never experienced losing  _that_ kind of love before, but it still didn't warrant _that_ kind of behavior. "Your phone is dead, isn't it?" He said.

"Mm.... Dunno."

"Of course you wouldn't." Bellamy's voice was dripping in an uneasy tone, feeling a lecture trying to work its way past his lips, but it wasn't worth it, he figured. Jasper wouldn't remember most of the night the next day. Still, he was going to make him feel bad while he could. "Of course you don't know your phone is dead because you're shitfaced, passed out in a fucking graveyard." Bellamy smacked Jasper's chest to gain his attention again. "Use your fucking brain. There are assholes like John Murphy walking around this town, and you're just gonna pass out in a public place like this."

"Guess so." Jasper said softly. Bellamy rolled his eyes, pointing in the direction of the parking lot where his car sat illuminated under the streetlights.

"Get in the car. I'm taking you home." Bellamy said. Jasper nodded somberly, his expression serious as he turned to the headstone behind him and mumbled something, then lazily trudging towards Bellamy's familiar car. Bellamy hesitated in following Jasper, slowing only for a second to glance at the headstone Jasper was lying beside. Maya's name was printed in large letters, along with her birth date, and the day she died. Bellamy didn't bother to look at the words scrawled underneath, vision going blurry as he blinked away a stray tear and furrowed his brows. Seeing Maya's headstone reminded him of his mother's, small and hardly noticeable since they couldn't afford much at the time. Even in her death, Bellamy wanted to give her everything he possibly could. Was that a gross habit of his, he thought, he wasn't sure.

Jasper waited at the passenger's door, Bellamy unlocking the door and quietly slipping in on the driver's side. The atmosphere around them was tense, so tense he swore he could cut it with a knife. The car started up easily, Bellamy thanking whoever he could for the fact that he had a radio to fill the silence, but against his better judgment, turned it down and huffed angrily as he backed out of the empty parking lot and back on the familiar streets. Greer's was so far out of town, it'd be at least twenty minutes before he could dump Jasper back home and wash his hands of this stupid shit. He knew Jasper was still grieving, he knew he was, but the fact was that there were still other people in his life that cared about him. Monty didn't stop being his friend just because of what happened, and neither did Bellamy. To be honest, though Bellamy felt stupid for even thinking this, he was a little offended at the fact that Jasper had taken to drowning his sorrows in booze and sleepless nights at the cemetery instead of talking to someone, anyone. It wasn't like Bellamy didn't understand what he was going through.

Bellamy really felt selfish after thinking that.

"You're angry." Jasper interrupted his thoughts. Bellamy's grip on the steering wheel tightened, knuckles whitening, but he swallowed his hesitance and shook his head. His fingers darted for the radio knob again, turning it up so he didn't have to hear Jasper feel sorry for himself, or be tempted to get in a fight with him. How many nights had they spent together after finally ending up on speaking terms again, sharing drunken secrets and short conversations before Bellamy asked if Jasper was okay? Countless times of Bellamy swallowed his pride and forced himself to ask even though he knew Jasper was going to say the same, stupid answer as if Bellamy believed him the past three nights he asked and received one word answers. The thought of listening to Jasper talk about it now just made him angry. He shouldn't be angry. He knew he shouldn't have been angry, but, God, he was. He was so unbelievably pissed off.

"Bellamy, don't take me home." Jasper said, turning the radio down again.

"Don't touch the radio." Bellamy said.

"Bellamy, please." Jasper was still slurring his words. "Please, ya can't take me home. Monty's gonna be so mad.... I can't see him like this."

"You should've thought of that before you got drunk." Bellamy chided.

"Please, please." Jasper repeated, saying the words over and over as if they were the only ones he remembered, and that very well may have been true. "God, he's gon-na be so mad." Jasper hiccuped in the middle of his sentence. "Bell...."

"Don't call me that." Bellamy objected and turned the music up again. "Don't talk to me right now."

"Why are  _you_ so pissed off?" Jasper asked, furrowing his brows and turning the radio off this time. Bellamy gritted his teeth, willing himself not to stop the car and kick the insufferable, drunk Jasper out of his car and calling Monty so he could pick him up instead. "Like you have something t'be pissed off about?"

"You made Monty worry about you." Bellamy said as they turned to the left and started towards town again.

"Were you not worried?"

"I only care about you while you're in my store." Bellamy lied through his teeth, watching as a dejected expression replaced the amused one on Jasper's face.

"Asshole." Jasper said under his breath.

"And yet, this asshole is driving your stupid drunk ass home." Bellamy said. "Wow, God, I'm such a prick." He said sarcastically.

"I'm jus'....sad, okay, Bellamy?" Jasper said. "Nobody gave me time to be sad."

"I understand that." Bellamy said before he furrowed his brows and swallowed his pride. "But I asked if you were okay. I asked every time we were together." Bellamy looked at Jasper. "You said you were okay. If you weren't okay, Jasper, I could have been there for you. I could have brought you here and waited for you out here while you did your thing in there. At least, then, you'd be safe."

"Why would I be safe?" Jasper said. "Because _you'd_ be there?"

"I told you I'd...." Bellamy trailed off, realizing Jasper actually hadn't heard him promise that he would keep him safe, because he said it in Trigedasleng, and Jasper had no idea that Bellamy promised. He shook his head and tried to think of something else to say. "Jasper, I just got you back from fucking up on my own accord. Don't... don't let me lose you to something like this."

Jasper's heart lurched forward, eyes searching for something on Bellamy's face, any sort of loving expression or  _something_ , but he just looked... sad. Jasper grabbed at the handle of the car, doors locked and keeping him trapped inside as he felt a heave working its way up his chest and through his throat.

"G-gonna get sick." Jasper said, Bellamy pulling over quickly and unlocking the car door as Jasper sprinted to the side of the road and heaved again. He heard the car door shut behind him, a looming figure over him before Bellamy's fingers traced over his neck. He shivered, unable to process what was happening correctly before he started throwing up. Bellamy held his hair back, rubbing his back in circles before Jasper finally let out one last heave of alcohol and groaned deeply.

"Was that all of it?" Bellamy asked. Jasper shook his head, feeling the nausea still bubbling in his stomach. "C'mon, get it out."

"D-don't wanna, hurts." Jasper said.

"Get it all out, Jasper." Bellamy said. After another second, Jasper felt a heave hit him and more alcohol spilling from his lips, along with the measly "dinner" he had, which consisted of a bag of chips and some candy. The burn in his stomach finally disappeared, and the heaves went dry, stomach aching now from all the throwing up. Bellamy pulled him away from the spot on the side of the road and back to the car before he opened the trunk and grabbed a few bottles of water. He handed them to Jasper, who shook his head and pushed them away. "Look, throwing up makes you dehydrated. I don't need you passing out in my car because you needed water."

"I can't, my stomach hurts."

"It won't hurt if you  _drink_." Bellamy pushed them into Jasper's chest before he started towards the driver's side. "Lay down in the back if you want. I don't care."

Jasper followed his instructions, lying down in the back after nursing a water bottle and drinking half of it.

"Let me know if you feel sick again." Bellamy said. Jasper nodded, resting his head against the cool leather of Bellamy's seats, eyes drooping shut as he squeezed the bottle of water in his hand. He heard Bellamy start talking again, missing what he said and letting out a noise of confusion instead. "I said.... I said if you really don't want to go home, I'll take you back. To the store."

"Wanna go home with you...." Jasper said agreeably.

"Tell me one thing, though."

"Mm."

"Why did you come out here?" Bellamy clenched his fingers around the steering wheel as if that would prepare him for the answer.

“ I like driving to Greer’s. It’s real calming, y’know. Like if I died on the way… well, I’m not saying I want to die, I’m just saying if I did, I’d be halfway there. ” 

Bellamy, out of sheer desperation, pulled his phone from his pocket and called Monty.

"What's wrong?" Monty said before Bellamy sighed and forced himself to spit his words out.

"Jasper doesn't want to go back to your place."

"What? Why not?"

"I... I don't know. So I'm going to bring him back to the store." Bellamy said. Monty objected, stuttering words leaving him before he sighed in resignation. "I know you're worried about him. I'll take care of him and bring him home tomorrow."

"Why does he want to stay with you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bellamy responded almost defensively.

"I just mean... n-never mind. Thanks." He said before hanging up and leaving Bellamy almost fuming. But he remembered that Jasper and Monty had a history Bellamy couldn't even begin to touch, so it made sense that Monty was upset Jasper wanted to stay with Bellamy instead.

"Thanks, Bell." Jasper said before hiccuping. "S-sorry, didn't mean'ta call ya that."

"Whatever."

"Bellamy...?"

"What?"

"Did you mean it when you said you only care about me when I'm in the store?"

Bellamy hesitated in answering. Everything inside of him was screaming "no", but he didn't want to let Jasper off the hook so easily. After all, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't panicked when Monty called to say he wasn't home yet. Bellamy felt guilty because he was the one that sent Jasper away while he screwed around with Murphy. Against his better judgment, Bellamy shook his head.

"No. I didn't." He admitted.

"S'okay if you do.... I know I bother you a lotta the time."

"Shut up." Bellamy said before cringing and realizing how rude he sounded. "Stop talking. Just... try to rest, okay?"

Jasper nodded, feeling his eyes drooping shut while Bellamy turned the radio on again, just enough so he could hear it. The ride seemed gentle, lulling, and before he knew it, he was asleep in the backseat of Bellamy's car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look at that, an update! sorry for the weird hiatus thing this story is on and off from, but i'm glad to say that this chapter was edited and uploaded for anybody that wanted it~ updates will still be a little weird, but i'll do my best to keep the story going!
> 
> very lightly edited, so let me know if there are mistakes anywhere. oh also the trigedasleng comes from multiple sources online, and some of the phrases i had to piece together on my own, so if they're not 100% correct, my bad!
> 
> thank you so so so so much to anybody reading~ i hope to keep the story going and just decent for all of you. you're all my motivation, and knowing that people enjoy the story helps me remember why i started writing it! thank you so much, and happy halloween if i don't get to update sooner than that!


	9. Creep

Jasper rolled over on the couch, burying his face into the pillow underneath him and taking a long, drawn out inhale, and then he sighed. The pillow smelled like Bellamy. A curious thought crossed his mind, confused as to how the pillow smelled like him, but he decided against it as he snuggled closer to it, pulling the blanket strewn across his legs over his body and sighing comfortably. Something smelled good, sweet, but he couldn't find the energy in himself to sit up and find the source of it. Monty never cooked breakfast, but maybe he went out and got something.

From the kitchen, music played softly, a familiar, but uncertain voice singing along as Jasper furrowed his brows and pushed himself off of the couch. The room around him was most definitely not his shared apartment with Monty, and after focusing his eyes and rubbing the sleep from them, that was most definitely not Monty cooking in the kitchen.

Bellamy stood over his stove, pouring pancake batter onto the griddle and then waiting for the bottom part to cook before he dropped a generous handful of blueberries in the center of it. Jasper's mouth watered. He didn't remember how he ended up in Bellamy's home, and a part of him really wasn't surprised. He'd be lying if he said he didn't find comfort in sleeping under the same roof with him, with burying his face in the cushions and pillows that Bellamy slept on every night. The last thing he was able to remember was falling asleep beside Maya, or rather, what he imagined was Maya, and then... nothing in particular after that. Jasper sat up, rubbing his eyes again and letting out a tired groan. Bellamy's eyes darted from the stove top to find Jasper sitting up on the couch.

"Morning." Bellamy said easily, though his tone was less than warm and welcoming. Jasper waved at him, standing up and feeling a wave of nausea hit him. He ran down the hall, leaning over the sink and throwing up pure water, the burn of alcohol long gone, though his pulse was still thrumming in his ears as he heaved and nothing came out. Taking a mouthful of water and rinsing his mouth, he washed his mess down the sink, and then returned to the kitchen counter. Bellamy didn't look at him, instead, focusing on the food on the stove. Jasper sighed.

"Good morning." Jasper responded after a second of hesitation. "What are you making?"

"Blueberry pancakes." Bellamy barked back at him, fixed on flipping the food in front of him. A part of Jasper was telling him Bellamy was avoiding his gaze to keep himself calm, collected. Jasper must have said some particularly nasty stuff to him. "How do you like your eggs cooked?"

"Uh... over easy." Jasper said. He watched as Bellamy flipped the pancake once more, the juice of the blueberries oozing out of the sides and making Jasper involuntarily lick his bottom lip. Within a moment, Bellamy had grabbed two eggs and was cracking them over an already warmed pan. One handed, he cracked the eggs and then tossed them in the garbage before returning to the griddle with pancakes. He grabbed a plate from the cupboard beside him, setting it down and serving the pancake on it. Then Bellamy set it down on the counter.

"Eat." Bellamy said, eyeing Jasper up and down. He set a fork and syrup down in front of Jasper, and once he watched Jasper pick up the fork with his frail fingers, returned to the stove. "You've lost weight." He said without looking at Jasper again.

"You... can tell?"

Bellamy didn't answer and instead focused his attention on the pan of eggs. Furrowing his brows and grabbing the syrup from in front of him, Jasper wondered why Bellamy was being so evasive whenever he asked him a question. Normally, Bellamy didn't care, and would answer immediately to let Jasper know exactly what was on his mind. It didn't help that Jasper couldn't really read what he was thinking, be it on his face or in his voice, actions hardly saying anything either. The syrup drizzled over his pancake while he watched Bellamy flip the eggs in the pan and cook them for a few minutes more. Then Bellamy carried the pan over to his plate and slid them on easily.

"Monty said you told him the store closes at nine." Bellamy said, giving Jasper a furtive glance to make sure he was eating. He slowly chewed his food, a sense of dread washing over him at Bellamy's words. "He said you told him you were getting food after I closed. But that was a lie, right?" Jasper guiltily nodded. "So you haven't been eating. That's... how I know you've lost weight. Eat." Bellamy said, and Jasper realized that there was less force behind his voice, and more concern, a pleading tone in his voice as Jasper leaned in and took a particularly big bite of his eggs. The yolk oozed out and he couldn't help but smile at the fact that Bellamy could cook things the exact way he liked them. He wanted to explain to Bellamy, words escaping him as he swallowed down another bite of blueberry pancakes. Jasper opened his mouth to say something, but instead, was interrupted by a quiet groan from Octavia walking down the hall in a pair of shorts and tank top. Her normally brushed hair was now messy and tangled, thick knots in the side as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed an orange juice carton from the fridge. Taking a swig from the carton, Bellamy hit her with the spatula and watched as she grinned devilishly.

"Gee, it's not like anybody else wanted orange juice. Have you even brushed your teeth?"

"Leave me alone, old man." She teased before making a quick stop beside Jasper and whispering in his ear. "He's pissed at you." She rushed her words and headed back to her room so Bellamy wouldn't notice her telling Jasper why Bellamy was acting that way. Jasper furrowed his brows, looking up at Bellamy and finally mustering up the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry." He said. Bellamy tensed, shoulders rising and muscles in his back moving just slightly, and oh god, Jasper hadn't even acknowledged the fact in his brain that Bellamy was shirtless. Forcing himself to stare at his open hands instead, Bellamy glanced at him and then turned to grab more pancake batter.

"Your food's gonna get cold."

"Bellamy, please." Jasper pleaded. "Tell me what I did, tell me what I said. I know it was bad, you don't have to sugarcoat it."

"You didn't do anything." Bellamy said honestly, but Jasper pushed again.

"Agh, c'mon, just tell me what I did."

"Isn't passing out drunk in a cemetery enough?" Bellamy answered in annoyance, furrowing his brows and shaking his head as he worked the spatula underneath the pancake he poured. "Isn't that enough for me to be pissed off, or do I need to have a lecture for you to understand that what you did last night was fucked up?"

"I... Yeah." Jasper said, dropping his argument and poking at the pancake in front of him.

"I told Monty I'd bring you home after I made breakfast. Hurry up." Bellamy said, sliding two more pancakes off of the griddle and setting them down on a plate before he called Octavia. She reappeared with brushed hair and a bubbly smile on her face as she held her phone to hear ear and spoke quickly in another language. Bellamy rolled his eyes. She was talking to Lincoln, and would spend the rest of her morning talking to him until he had to go to bed. She took the plate of pancakes and retreated to her room.

Bellamy walked down the hall, disappearing for a few seconds as the sound of shuffling came from the closet. He came back with a shirt on his body, Jasper feeling dejected at the sight of his shirt, but he bit down on a piece of pancake to shut himself up. Bellamy still wore the same pair of joggers, tugging on socks and then grabbing his shoes from the furthest corner of the room. They both remained silent, Octavia's quiet chattering from her room the only sound filling the air, other than the ambient noise around them, like the fan in the living room whirring, or the music that still played in the background. Bellamy sat down on the couch, sighing and leaning his head on the back of the couch. Jasper cleared his throat, trying to find a conversational topic they could at least pretend to be interested in.

"You like Leon Bridges?" Jasper asked. Bellamy hesitated before he nodded. "I like him too."

"Amazing." Bellamy said sarcastically.

"Bellamy, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize to me." Bellamy said.

"Then tell me what I do need to do to get you to talk to me again." Jasper fretted.

"Listen, Jasper, I'm pissed off." Bellamy finally started speaking regularly, no hint of sarcasm or disdain in his voice. Jasper relaxed at the sound of that, even though he knew that Bellamy was still pissed off, at least he knew that he didn't do something particularly ugly to make him angry. "I'm pissed off that you've been lying to me, and you've been lying to Monty, and you haven't been taking care of yourself because you're so busy lying to everybody about it. I don't want you to apologize any more, so let me be pissed off."

"Okay." Jasper mumbled before stuffing the last of the pancake into his mouth and realizing he had lost his appetite. Still, he willed himself to eat so he didn't risk upsetting Bellamy more and make him think he wasn't eating to spite him. Bellamy let out a disappointed groan and ran his hands through his hair.

"I feel better because I told you everything that was bothering me, and now I just feel stupid."

"Don't feel stupid." Jasper held back a small smile that tugged at the corners of his lips.

"You really didn't say anything. You were just so drunk. You almost hurled in my car, and then when we got here, I had to carry you upstairs because you said when you stood up, everything was spinning."

Wow, leave it up to me to not be conscious for that, Jasper thought in disappointment.

Jasper pushed his plate away and finished swallowing down a hunk of eggs and pancakes before sitting down next to Bellamy on the couch. He pulled his knees into his chest, watching Bellamy tense beside him, but he didn't make a move to leave.

"Thanks for telling me." Jasper said, meaning every word.

"Yeah." Bellamy replied, his voice sounding modest. He rubbed his neck. "Are you done? Monty's probably worried."

"Would you hate me if I said I didn't want to go back?" Jasper said.

"No, I wouldn't. Monty's probably gonna tear you a new one for last night. I wouldn't want to go back either."

"Oh god, and he does the silent treatment thing for so long, it pains me." Jasper let out a timid laugh when he noticed Bellamy chuckling at him. That was good. "I'm serious, he went two weeks without talking to me when we fought one time."

"Must've been an ugly fight."

"It was after I got arrested back in high school." Jasper said, and Bellamy's eyes widened as a smug smile bloomed on his lips.

"You got arrested?"

"Yeah, but it was for like a day, and it didn't count to my record or anything."

"For?" Bellamy said. Jasper shrugged.

"Nothing too serious."

"Oh, c'mon." Bellamy said incredulously. "Are you seriously not gonna tell me?"

"Tell me one thing before I do." Jasper said. Bellamy narrowed his eyes at him, but after a second of deliberation, he nodded. "Murphy didn't do anything to you yesterday, did he?"

Bellamy's shoulders rose quickly, feeling his breath hitch in his chest. He had completely forgotten about Murphy, about Jasper, about everything. His eyes trailed over to the mark on Jasper's cheek, eyes tracing over the cut which was already starting to heal. Still, a surge of guilt rushed through his veins and he swallowed hard.

"He didn't."

"What happened?"

"Nothing." Bellamy replied hastily.

"Hey, Bell?" Jasper said. Bellamy shivered at the sound of his nickname. "Are you..." Are you in love with him? Jasper repeated it over and over in his head, repeating the phrase until he could feel it creeping up his throat again, but he lost his courage and fell silent instead. Jasper shook his head.

"Am I, what?"

"N-nothing." Jasper said nervously, pushing himself off of the couch and grabbing his shoes from beside it. Going home to see Monty was bad, but this felt worse. That tightening in his chest, fluttering in his stomach feeling when he felt Bellamy's eyes on him, all of it was bad news.

"Jasper. Seriously, what is it?"

"It's nothing." Jasper pushed and then stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Well, I should get going."

"Hold on, let me walk you there." Bellamy said, Jasper's heart stopping until Bellamy continued. "I have to see Monty. Hey, don't forget your backpack."

"Oh." Jasper swallowed hard when Bellamy said that, remembering the nights Monty had spent alone with Bellamy in their apartment, sharing moments Jasper shared with Bellamy first, and he swore for a moment that a twinge of jealousy rocked through his core. Jasper shook his head and picked up his backpack, heavy with jars of hooch as he slung it over his shoulders. Monty wasn't the kind to do that kind of thing, to make a move on somebody unless they initiated it first. Jasper's head flooded with explanations as to why Bellamy wanted to see Monty, what was so important that Bellamy couldn't call or text Monty instead.

Bellamy knocked on Octavia's door and mentioned he'd be out for a few before she shooed him away. He walked away with a vague smile on his face, rubbing his neck and gesturing to the door. Jasper opened it and ran downstairs, moving considerably faster than Bellamy was, but he couldn't help it. Bellamy lagged behind him, not bothering to worry about the distance between them. Eventually, after walking a few blocks, Jasper stopped in front of their apartment complex and looked down at his feet until Bellamy caught up to his side. Jasper unlocked the door and held it for Bellamy, following him inside and starting for the stairs.

They both stepped in silence, Bellamy unsure of what to say, and Jasper too scared to say anything. He reached for the railing at the same time as Bellamy, the tips of their fingers brushing. Jasper jerked his hand away and stuffed it in his pocket instead while Bellamy mumbled an apology and continued walking. Jasper felt a ball building in his throat, trying to swallow it down with his fear, but it stayed and constricted his breathing. How long ago had that started? How many nights had he stayed at Bellamy's while his heart leaped in his chest, but he brushed it off as the alcohol? Late night conversations where Jasper blushed furiously and played it off as feeling nauseous? Morning afters where Bellamy's quiet breathing soothed him back into a gentle sleep until Bellamy roused, and Jasper did the same, if only to have that single moment of togetherness with Bellamy, who wanted nothing more than a friendship with him?

Oh god.

"I-it's here." Jasper nodded at their apartment door. He lifted his keys to the door, fingers shaking nervously as they jingled in his hands. Monty did have classes until later, meaning he was still home, and Jasper didn't want to see him. He didn't want to be stuck in the doghouse for days because of a mistake he made. Knowing Monty, he would never let him apologize until he was ready to listen to Jasper's apologies. Jasper huffed in exasperation as he willed his hands to calm down, but before he could, Bellamy's hand slid over his own, and Jasper swore the only thing keeping him standing was the wall beside him as he leaned towards it.

"Here." Bellamy said without looking up at him, seemingly ignoring the fact that Jasper was so flustered. He slid the keys in the lock and then pushed the door open. Jasper peeked over the edge of the door frame, Bellamy grabbed him by his collar and pushing him into the apartment with an annoyed frown tugging at his lips. Jasper walked in carefully, testing the waters of the tense apartment with a few gentle steps. He found Monty sitting on the couch, watching TV. He rubbed his hands together, Bellamy staring at him and rolling his eyes as he cleared his throat. Monty glanced at them, arms crossed over his chest. He held his silence, Jasper sighing dejectedly and heading to his room so he could drop his things off. Jasper closed the door behind him, Bellamy sitting down next to Monty and staring at him pointedly. Monty's shoulders fell as he exhaled a breath he had been holding.

"Thank you." Monty said easily. "I wasn't mad with you last night."

"Mm."

"I was... upset, I think?" Monty continued, even though it appeared Bellamy wasn't interested in what he had to say. "He's been lying to me for weeks. Weeks, I can't believe him." Monty spat.

"Yeah."

"Does he think that we were just going to ignore his feelings? Pretend they didn't matter? Like life just moved on?" Monty furrowed his brows and shook his head as frustration wracked his brain. "When my mom died, he sat there with me and talked me out of suicide. Told me if I couldn't live for myself to live for him, and I did." Monty kicked the coffee table in front of him. "I owe him everything, and he's just... hiding."

"Monty, that's probably why he didn't want to tell you."

"Why?"

"When you tell someone that you'll be strong for the both of them, eventually... when you feel weak, you don't tell them. How are you supposed to be strong for the two if you're feeling like shit?"

"When he's not strong, I'll be strong for him." Monty objected. "He should know that, he should know that better than anybody else."

"Maybe he was scared. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for not bringing him back last night. I should've."

"No, it's okay." Monty nodded at Bellamy, their eyes meeting between an unspoken apology. "Thank you."

"Don't be too harsh on him, yeah?" Bellamy joked, Monty punching him in the arm before he pushed himself off of the couch. "Let me know if you need anything else. You've got my number." Bellamy grinned and walked himself to the front door. He hesitated in opening it, waiting for Jasper to come back out and say something, anything to him, but it seemed like he wasn't going to. With the turn of his wrist, he had opened the door and walked out. Bellamy forced himself to stop thinking about the natural warmth in their apartment, and how the couch smelled like Jasper.

Octavia was sitting at the dinner table by the time Bellamy made it back home, yawning tiredly and stretching his arms over his head. She leaned in her seat, smiling meekly at him before Bellamy rolled his eyes and sat down with her. Already, she looked ready to throw a pile of topics on him, so Bellamy nodded at her.

"Lincoln says hi." Octavia began quietly, knowing to broach only the easiest subjects first with her older brother, though she already knew he would pull the same overprotective shit he did whenever Octavia asked. She didn't even want to think about the time she mentioned she was going on a date with a kid from school. Bellamy didn't talk to her for a couple of days. Still, Octavia hardly gave any regard for his macho manly ego, and his toxic need to constantly police her on where she went or what she did. The excuse that he was her older brother just didn't cut it anymore. Bellamy nodded again, as if ready to her more of her questions, but Octavia didn't want to dance around it, and said it in a plain, forthright tone. "Clarke invited me to a party." She said, eyes bright and wide with excitement. Her posture straightened out, sitting up and waiting for Bellamy's verbal response, but she could already see the distaste on his face. "I know you don't like it when I go out to parties, but it's gonna be just outside of town."

"Where's, "just outside of town?"" Bellamy narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously.

"...Wick's."

"Wick's?" Bellamy snorted. "No way, you are not going over to his house."

"Why not?" Octavia said, furrowing her brows, but still trying to appear sweet for the sake of persuading her brother. "Bell, you never let me go to parties, and I'm old enough to where I don't need to ask you."

"All the guys that go to those parties only want one thing." Bellamy said, wagging his finger in her face as she slapped it away and huffed, lips puffed out in a pout. "You know what they want?"

"God, shut up." Octavia said. "Do you ever think for a second that I'm not going to get trashed? I just want to get out of this house." Octavia gestured toward the empty living room. "I want a change of atmosphere. It's so depressing around here all the goddamn time, I think I'm going to lose it if I stay any longer."

"Way to be overdramatic, O." Bellamy sneered, pushing himself out of his seat and stomping off in the direction of the kitchen. "You asked me, my answer is no."

"Actually, I didn't ask you anything. I was telling you that I'm going to this party."

"Then don't bother coming home." Bellamy said easily, feigning a smile as Octavia scoffed grossly at him.

"You're an asshole sometimes, Bell, you know that?" She said, sniffling and rubbing her eye with the palm of her hand to fight away a few stray tears that came when she got particularly pissed off at Bellamy. He constantly teased her for it when they were little, before he ran off, so she refused to cry in front of him anymore. "God, if you let me finish before you completely shot me down, Clarke invited you too."

Bellamy hesitated in yelling back at her at the sound of the blonde princess's name. God, he had missed calling her that. She was another one that abandoned him, only he never really got the chance to get her back, and since then, both of them moved on with their lives. Bellamy bit the inside of his cheek and shrugged.

"And what am I supposed to do with the store?"

"Keep it closed for the weekend!" Octavia shouted. "Take a break from working for two seconds and live your life."

"So easy to say when you're not the one that has to pay the bills." Bellamy muttered. Octavia shook her head in disappointment, stomping off to her room and hesitating in slamming the door only because she didn't want to hear him yelling behind it. Their fights were ugly, words sharp and expressions sharper, because they were both Blake's, and that was what Blake's did, but sometimes Octavia really did wish Bellamy stopped babying her and treated her the way she should've been treated. Octavia had taken on her fair share of assholes, and she wasn't a weak, frail little girl either. Lincoln mentioned occasionally that even she intimidated him, but Bellamy acted as if she was still doe-eyed and baby faced, walking around and dumbly believing every person in the world. Her made her feel small. She absolutely hated it.

Bellamy scoffed, grabbing the gallon of milk from the fridge and taking a sip from it without grabbing a glass. With a loud groan, he wiped his lips and threw it in the fridge once more. Well, he had managed to piss off his sister, and it wasn't even 9 am yet. Bellamy rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket before he pulled it out and found Jasper's name waiting for him.

Jasper: Still nothing from Monty....

Jasper: But Clarke invited everybody to a party at Wick's. You're going, right?

Bellamy: No, wasn't planning on it.

Jasper: Oh :(

Bellamy: Do you really think you should be partying right now anyways? Weren't you the one that just got blackout drunk? That was you, right?

Jasper: Haha, really funny, douche. It's a party though. Everyone is gonna be stupid, not just me ;)

Jasper: Besides, I'm going! That should automatically make you wanna go.

Bellamy: Oh, really? Why's that?

Jasper: Because Monty isn't talking to me, so I'm definitely not riding out an hour to Wick's in dead silence :) Also, this way, you can be there in case I do something stupid.

Bellamy: What, am I your babysitter now?

Jasper: Haha, yeah, you have to take care of me ;)

Bellamy: I already told Octavia no.

Jasper: Oh.

Bellamy: I'd look like a real asshole if I'm going now.

Jasper: So it wouldn't be any different from other times? All right, cool, see you there.

Bellamy: WOW.

Jasper: Kidding, kidding! :D Wait, so are you going?

Bellamy: I guess?

Jasper: !!!

Jasper: !!!!!

Jasper: !!!!!!!

Bellamy: Dude.

Jasper: Could I ask a teeny tiny eensie weensie favor?

Bellamy: ?

Jasper: Could I ride with you? Monty isn't gonna take me :')

Bellamy: Is that the only reason you wanted me to go?

Jasper: No! Seriously, no. But now that you are, I'd rather go with you. You're the only person in the world that doesn't hate me, haha.

Bellamy: That's a little overdramatic. Monty doesn't hate you. I did talk to him by the way. He's just hurt that you didn't talk to him. Something about his mom, and you know, you being there for him. He's not wrong.

Jasper: I know, but there's not enough time for me to apologize to him without seeming like a dick, so I think I'll let him do his thing at the party and we'll talk when we get back :/

Bellamy: Okay. Then I guess we're going together.

Jasper: Whoo!!!

Bellamy: I have no idea what this party is or anything about it. Explain.

Jasper: Oh! Well, uh, Clarke said everybody's gonna meet up at Jet's so figure out cars and how we're getting there and stuff. So we can meet up at Jet's at 12. The party is tonight, so we're actually heading out to Wick's and then we're gonna go swimming and stuff. Y'know, barbecue and stuff like that.

Jasper: Maybe getting away from all of this for a weekend would be nice, huh?

Bellamy: Yeah, maybe. See you at 12 then.

Jasper: So, how's it going?

Bellamy: ? I literally just saw you?

Jasper: I know, but... how's it going? :')

Bellamy: Jas, we're gonna be trapped in a car together for an hour on the way to Wick's. Ask then.

Jasper: Okay! :D

Bellamy smiled as he stuffed his phone away in his pocket, approaching Octavia's door down the hall carefully, trying to keep himself from being so obvious when Octavia opened her door, eyebrows furrowed before she shoved past him. She had a bag slung over his shoulders.

"O, would you just wait up?"

"What, so you can yell at me again?" Octavia said in exasperation. "No, thank you."

"I'm going to the stupid party." Bellamy said. Octavia laughed.

"What, are you going so you can baby me there too?"

"No. In fact, I won't fucking bother you there, all right?" Bellamy shook his head. "I'm just going."

"Who convinced you?" She said suspiciously.

"J-Jasper mentioned it, and-"

She laughed again before taking her things and walking downstairs. Bellamy didn't bother to follow after her, knowing that if he did, she'd yell at him more, and he'd rethink going to the same secluded party she was going to. He had been to Wick's before, and his place was huge, so he'd have plenty of places to be other than where Octavia was at.

Bellamy rubbed the back of his neck, sighing before he cracked it and remembered he'd have to pack a bag. Jasper made it sound like they were going to stay overnight, and if they were, Bellamy was taking all of the stuff he thought he'd need. Grabbing his old rucksack from the closet, he stuffed it with an excessive pair of shirts, jeans, swim trunks, and finally extra pairs of socks and boxers. Bellamy debated bringing a mattress in case Wick didn't have anything for them to pass out on, but he remembered the last party he went to at Wick's included him passing out in his grassy backyard instead of a bed.

God, he remembered that night vividly. Sweat soaked bodies dancing together in what appeared to be the living room, but everyone was beyond trashed, seeing double and unsure whether or not the kitchen was the basement or the attic was the bathroom; the smell of sweat, perfume, and cheap cologne in the air as they bumped into one another, spilling beer and wine coolers on each other while their shirts were already sticky from the humidity outside. The cool sensation of grass under Bellamy's feet came suddenly, remembering how much fun they had after they walked outside, drunk off their asses and staring at the starry sky before they all passed out in a pool of their own sweat. Bellamy woke up the next morning, nauseous beyond belief as acid tickled at the back of his throat, head pounding and sweat dripping down the sides of his body, but God, did he have a good time.

Now that Bellamy had time to think about it, things already packed to go, he remembered he'd have to shower and check the car before they left. He was sure the car would make it, but it needed some oil and gas since Wick's was so out of the way. First he'd shower to get that out of the way. After a moment, he decided to text Jasper.

Bellamy: I have some stuff to do before we go. What time should we leave for Jet's?

Jasper: We just have to be there by noon. Jet's is pretty close to your place, so 11:45 maybe?

Bellamy: Okay.

Jasper: Would it be cool if I came over a little early? I can't stand sitting here feeling like shit.

Bellamy: You kind of deserve to feel like shit for a while.

Jasper: :(

Bellamy: But yes, you can come over early.

Jasper: :D

Bellamy: Just let me know when you're coming.

Jasper: Thank you so much, seriously.

Bellamy smiled at the message, tossing his phone on the couch and stripping himself of his shirt and kicking his shoes off. Taking care of all that stuff before they had to leave was easy. Bellamy just had to figure out now how he was going to last an hour ride out to Wick's with Jasper, and only Jasper.

Maybe it was a little wrong of him, he thought, to be so eager about Jasper riding with him on the way to Wick's, but at the same time, he couldn't help it. He would never admit it outright, but he did enjoy having Jasper with him; something in his personality made Bellamy smile and want to keep joking around and talking with him. He protected Octavia his entire life from the truth of what he used to do, and he still did, but having Jasper there made him feel like he didn't have to hide it as much. Surely he still felt shame about the entire situation, but Jasper's curiosity and forgiving nature had Bellamy believing for short moments that maybe his life wasn't a complete and total waste, so long as he could keep this scrawny kid entertained.

Bellamy would never admit that he liked having Jasper around. Bellamy would never mention that he noticed Jasper the first time he walked into the store to buy some books, and he never would he talk about the fact that he noticed the lanky, scrawny kid that visited the shop for three hours every week day, when Bellamy was working. Jasper followed the same routine, he did the same things, he sometimes wore the same clothes, and smiled at Bellamy the same way when he came in, and another one before Bellamy closed the store.

Bellamy didn't even want to think about how his heart crumbled at the sight of Jasper in a pile of tears and wet clothes the night that Maya died.

Well versed in shoving away thoughts and images he didn't want to think about, Bellamy forced himself to remember that Jasper was just a friend, and that was all he'd ever be to him. He was lucky enough to still have him as a friend as it was. He should have been satisfied.

But he wasn't.

The parking lot at Jet's was already full and bustling with everybody going to the party, cars parked along the street once the lot was full. Jasper had come an hour early, mumbling something about how Monty didn't even ask where he was going, but Bellamy wasn't surprised at that reaction. After all, if it hadn't been for Jasper staying the night at his house, the drunk confessions and apologies, Bellamy would have been pissed off with him too.

Bellamy slowed to a stop, putting the car in park before pulling the keys out and stuffing them in his pocket.

"Jasper, do you have your license?" Bellamy said, looking at Jasper from the side of his eye. Jasper nodded.

"Yeah, why?"

"Curiosity. So... why do we have to be here?"

"Oh, Clarke said some people don't have rides, so they wanted to figure out where everybody was riding." Jasper shifted in his seat. "But honestly, it looks like there are enough cars for people. How many people do you think are there? Like, sixty?"

"Jasper." Bellamy shot him an amused look. "There's gotta be at least 100 people walking around that parking lot right now. Who knows how many people Wick invited?"

"Whoa... a hundred?" Jasper said.

"Dude, what's the biggest party you've ever been to?" Bellamy said. Jasper pursed his lips as he thought back to the last few parties he had been to on campus, but those hadn't been more like forty or fifty people. "Okay, well, I've been to parties that had 400 people."

"How do you even party with that many people?" Jasper said. Bellamy laughed.

"Lots and lots of booze... and speed. And E. Ketamine."

"Good god, how many people died at that party?"

"Six or seven." Bellamy said, watching the expression on Jasper's face fall before he punched him. "I'm kidding. I passed out after a couple of hours, I don't remember much."

"Well, hopefully this party won't be as insane as yours were." Jasper said after a smile crept its way onto his face. His cheeks were a light pink color, and Bellamy had to remind himself what they came for. "So... do you want to go ask Clarke if anybody else needs a ride?"

"Not really." Bellamy looked down and smiled. "Having to drive you is bad enough."

"You're so kind." Jasper said, placing a hand on his chest and pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. "Touching."

"Ask Clarke if anybody else needs a ride. If they don't, maybe we can get a head start and go early."

Jasper nodded, pulling his phone from his pocket. Bellamy caught his eyes wandering, finding Jasper's phone screen as he turned it on and moved to unlock it, but hesitated and then quickly swiped. Bellamy bit his tongue so he didn't say anything about the picture of Maya he had as his lock screen still, but that had to hurt, didn't it? Seeing her face every day, every time he had to do something quick on his phone, instead he saw her and.... Bellamy turned his attention to his side of the car and found Clarke standing in the parking lot. She waved at him, Bellamy tensing but waving back before she started walking towards them.

"Never mind, Clarke's coming over here." Bellamy said, scrubbing his face with his hands and groaning hesitantly.

"Oh, that's right." Jasper grinned. "You have a crush on Clarke."

"No, I really don't."

"No, what was that thing you said?" Jasper said before he laughed. "Everybody has a crush on Clarke."

"I'm gonna deck you, I-"

"Hey guys!" Clarke said as she leaned into the window, turning her smile to Bellamy instead and grinning widely. "Hey, Bell."

"Hi." Bellamy said, and Jasper had to hold back the need to point out the obvious blush on his cheeks. He figured he should let it slide so Bellamy didn't kick him out or torture him on the way to Wick's.

"Octavia said you didn't want to come to the party. Change your mind?"

"Yeah, princess, I did." Bellamy smiled, the corners of his lips tugging up easily into a flirtatious smile. Clarke herself had a blush on the apples of her cheeks now. How the two of them managed to be so smooth and complimenting one another, Jasper probably would never be able to explain. Clarke had that sort of effect with a lot of people, though. As Jasper came to know her through school, he and Monty eventually ending up in her friend group, he found that Bellamy wasn't completely wrong. A lot of people had a crush on Clarke. Though Lexa was clearly head over heels for her, other people couldn't hide their obvious infatuation with her. Luckily, Jasper was one of the few that just enjoyed her company and friendship, so he didn't have to compete with everybody else for her attention.

"Well, I think we got the car situation mostly figured out. Jasper is riding with you, right?"

"Yeah." Bellamy said.

"There'll be plenty of space to park at Wick's so... we should probably get going." Clarke finally tore her eyes away from Bellamy and looked at Jasper instead. "Hey! We saw Monty walking around earlier, we were wondering where you were." Clarke said, obviously not catching onto the way Jasper froze at her words before timidly nodding and then looking away. Clarke gestured towards Jasper's cheek. "Is that a cut on your cheek?" Clarke asked, and Bellamy's heart lurched forward in his chest.

"Oh, I was playing with a cat at the shelter." Jasper lied before Clarke could catch onto the tense atmosphere. "I volunteer there sometimes. The cat was super sick, and I didn't realize it didn't want me to touch it. Thus, that." Jasper pointed at his cheek.

"Well, people dig scars." Clarke said, and Jasper had to pretend her eyes didn't trail over to Bellamy after saying that. "All right, safe driving. I'll see you both there?"

"Yeah." Jasper nodded, watching as she walked away, and Bellamy heaved a breath he didn't realize he had been holding in, Jasper laughing at his response and earning a slightly incensed look from Bellamy. "It's cool if you have a crush on her. I won't tell."

"It's not a crush." Bellamy said before turning the car back on and pulling out from the street. "Who even calls it a crush anymore?"

"Everyone calls it a crush!" Jasper said defensively.

"You sound like you're five."

"You're five."

"Put some music on so I don't have to listen to you anymore." Bellamy picked up the aux cord from behind him and threw it in Jasper's general direction. Jasper fumbled with it, plugging his phone in and turning on Pandora to the Leon Bridges radio he had made earlier, maybe or maybe not because of the music he had heard earlier that morning in Bellamy's kitchen. He did add a little variety though, having a weak spot for Amy Winehouse. "Do you actually like Leon Bridges?"

"I mean, I'm not crazy into him or anything, but I like that kind of music sometimes." Jasper said, trying to sound as casual as he possibly could. "You know, bluesy kind of music."

"Bluesy." Bellamy echoed with a laugh, Jasper pushing him lightly and setting his phone down. "How bad was Monty?"

"So bad." Jasper sighed, as if Bellamy had just reminded him of the situation from earlier. It did make sense that it escaped him, considering the party was going to be such a huge thing. Bellamy didn't even think to ask where Octavia was, but knowing her, she wouldn't be found until she wanted to be found, so he didn't bother. "He might as well have told me to go fuck myself when I tried to apologize after you left."

"Ouch." Bellamy said.

"Yeah, it was a big ouch." Jasper nodded. "Not saying I don't deserve it, but he's taking it a lot more personally than it has to be. I know I fucked up. I know I should've told him, but I've never dealt with... with death that way he has, you know?" Jasper said. Bellamy nodded.

"It's tough." Bellamy agreed. "I'll let you in on a secret. I haven't been to my mom's grave since the funeral."

"What? Really?"

"Months ago. She's at Greer's too." Bellamy mumbled. "So, I guess, good for you that you have the strength to go see her. I think if I tried to see my mom again, I'd lose it."

"It's kind of therapeutic to go back." Jasper said. "You know, like they're still with you when you're there, since you're so close to where they are."

"Guzzling down jars of hooch has nothing to do with the therapeutic part of it?"

"It helps." Jasper replied nonchalantly, Bellamy pinching his side with a laugh.

"Smart ass."

"I don't think it's helping any more, though." Jasper admitted softly. Bellamy had nothing to say in response to that, all the thoughts coming to mind falling short of sympathetic, so he simply nodded and kept his eyes on the road. Jasper cleared his throat from the other side of the car. "So... how's it going?"

"Gee, where does that sound familiar from?"

"Hey, you're the one that told me to ask in the car." Jasper put his hands up defensively.

They fell into a comfortable conversation, sometimes laughing, sometimes mumbling stuff, sometimes saying nothing at all, but still saying something, somehow. Jasper leaned his head against the window, letting his eyes trace over the fleeting trees and bushes of their city turn into lush forests. Wick lived an hour out of their city, between their small town and the large town just two hours away, so it was nice to be able to escape to his place while still staying out of the big bustling city. Driving past their town was fast-- if you blinked you would miss it, people said--, so Jasper was excited to be out of their small town and to a place where people would be partying loud enough for him to forget about what was bothering him. Green scenery outside was overwhelming, overgrown weeping willows and bushes protruding onto the old highway they took. Bellamy said they opted for this one instead of the freeway because everybody would take the freeway to get to Wick's, eventually it would get backed up with traffic. But by the way Bellamy's eyes lingered on the forest drive, eyes relaxed and posture even more so, Jasper had a feeling there was something more to taking the long, scenic route. Jasper hardly minded, though, entranced just as much by the vibrant drive through.

The serenity of the nature around them came to a quick end though when Jasper noticed Bellamy pulling over to stop, his eyes following Bellamy's annoyed gaze to the front of the car, where a white smoke came from the hood. Bellamy rolled his eyes, but Jasper was already panicking, turning the music down as Bellamy shut the car off, but not before putting all of the windows down. Without an explanation, he leaned back in his seat and sighed.

"What?!" Jasper said, his voice coming out as more of a squeak than anything else.

"Engine overheated." Bellamy said calmly. "I forgot to check the antifreeze. Fuck."

"What, are we stuck?" Jasper grabbed his phone, checking to see if he had a signal when Bellamy's hand landed on his, stopping him from moving and gently pushing his phone back down to the seat.

"No, we're not stuck, Jas." Bellamy said. There was that tone in his voice, the way that he said things and the cadence of his voice relaxing as Jasper's shoulders fell and he nodded. Jasper blushed brightly at the sight of Bellamy's half lidded eyes, lips parted as Bellamy shrugged. "The car just has to cool down. Besides, Wick's place is right around here. I'll just put some water in there in a couple of minutes after it's cooled off a little. Here, wait." Bellamy said, sliding out of the car and walking to the hood. "Pop it." He said, pointing at the gas pedal and brake pedal, and Jasper leaned over to grab the lever for the hood, tugging on it and watching as Bellamy lifted it easily. "There. Give it five minutes."

Jasper tried to ignore Bellamy as he opened the door to the car again, sliding in with a low grunt in his throat and lying back on his seat again. Jasper tried to pretend that his eyes didn't linger too long on Bellamy's lips, tracing over his jawline and down to his collarbones. Bellamy shifted, the collar of his t-shirt shifting and covering his skin. Without missing a beat, though, the bottom of his shirt lifted and revealed the smallest patch of hair just above the band of his jeans, and Jasper tore his gaze away to focus on the greenery on his right.

There was no urgent need to fill the silence between them. Hardly any cars drove past them, one interrupting their silence as Jasper took in a long, bated breath and closed his eyes. It was bad enough being in this car with Bellamy beside him, pretending he didn't realize this morning how Bellamy made his heart thud in his chest, the scent of his cologne sending his heart into a frenzy. Maybe it was just a sexual attraction, Jasper thought. He would be lying through his teeth if he said he hadn't thought about it once or twice, of grazing teeth on skin and kisses on parts of his body he was embarrassed to think of, but that was normal to him. It even happened to him with Monty, so it had to have been sexual, because Jasper would never really want a romantic relationship with Monty.... They were close enough as it was without people thinking they were in a relationship. Jasper couldn't imagine developing romantic feelings for him.

"You look constipated." Bellamy said, scaring Jasper back to reality as he furrowed his brows, but still gave him a confused smile.

"Uh, rude?" Jasper said. Bellamy snorted out a laugh as Jasper punched him.

"Seriously, Jas, the car will be fine after it cools down. But since you're so worried... if you grab the water from the trunk, I'll get this car going again." Bellamy said. Jasper hesitated in answering, trying to keep himself from biting down on his bottom lip before he leaned over Bellamy, reaching past the steering wheel and pressing the button for the trunk, then carefully easing himself back into his seat. Bellamy seemed to notice his carefully placed ministrations before he forced himself to swallow thickly and pushed himself out of the car without another word. Jasper sat back in his seat with the biggest grin on his face.

Bellamy, on the other hand, had to take a second for himself once he reached the trunk to lean his forehead onto the warm metal of the car. Jasper was oblivious to even the smallest of things he did that bothered Bellamy, but that was downright cruel. Whether Jasper did it on purpose or incidentally didn't matter anymore. Bellamy had to get him back, though.

Snatching up the jug of water from the trunk, he returned to the front of the car. The steam had lightened up, only occasionally billowing out when he remembered it would still be hot. Bellamy came back to the side of the car.

"Hey, can you help me with something?" Bellamy said, Jasper nodding and hopping out of the car in a second to end up in front of the car with him. "I need to get the cap off. Would you hold the water?" Bellamy handed him the jug of water to hold, and Jasper stared at it before he noticed Bellamy tugging at the back of his shirt, pulling it off over his head. He balled it up around his hand, enough to shield it from the heat of the engine, but Jasper's eyes were transfixed on his chest, eyes trailing down his olive tone skin and settling on the freckles scattered across his chest and taut muscled stomach. Bellamy resisted the temptation to smirk and laugh at Jasper's obvious blush that spread from the apples of his cheeks to the point of his nose and the tips of his ears. If he laughed, Jasper would know he was doing it just to fuck with him, and while it would still be funny, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as Bellamy acting like he had no idea what it was that was making Jasper unbelievably flustered.

Bellamy turned to Jasper and grabbed the jug of water with one hand, balling up the shirt and handing it to Jasper, who nodded dumbly and took that in hand. After a few quick movements, Bellamy had dumped all of the water into the engine. He decided not to mention that wasn't good, mainly because Wick's house was so close, it didn't matter if it took all the water in the world, he'd be able to dump some coolant in there once they made it and it would be fine. Jasper handed the cap to Bellamy, and he tightened it before flickering his eyes down to the shirt in his hands.

"H-here." Jasper tried to hand it to him, but Bellamy shook his head, walking to the backseat of the car and grabbing his backpack. He slipped on another shirt without saying anything, and then returned to take the shirt from Jasper.

"Gimme." Bellamy said, Jasper handing him the shirt and then rushing back to the passenger's side, slipping in and burying his face in his hands. Bellamy closed the hood with a quiet laugh, tossing his shirt in the backseat and sitting down next to Jasper. He was obviously tense, scooting away from Bellamy's side with an embarrassed red blush on his face. Bellamy gave the car a second to take all the water and then started it up without a problem, shooting Jasper a satisfied expression.

"Shut up, asshole." Jasper responded to his smile, but there was no spite behind his words as Bellamy let out a breathy laugh and pulled off the side of the road. And the scenic route continued while they fell into another silence. With each sign that passed them on the highway, another question came up in Jasper's head. His pulse beat in his ears, trying to calm himself down with each passing moment until Bellamy pulled off to the right, taking the road down to Wick's house where the other cars were already lined up and trying to park in quick succession. Bellamy scoffed and leaned out of the window as somebody came walking down the road. It was Fox, a young girl Bellamy had only met once before. She smiled timidly when she realized it was Bellamy sitting in the car, tucking her hair behind her ear as she leaned against the car.

"Wick's trying to get everybody parked, there's a lot of cars." She explained. Bellamy rolled his eyes but smiled back at her.

"I can see his place from here. Why aren't people just parking?"

"Dunno."

"Hop in." Bellamy said, watching as her eyes went wide with excitement before she opened the door to the backseat and sat down. Bellamy had already started moving by the time she slammed the door shut, turning to the right and driving off the carefully paved road the led to Wick's house. The car moved with the bumps of the terrain, shocks handling the blows of the ground before Bellamy pulled up just outside of Wick's house, making sure not to park on his neatly trimmed lawn. Bellamy stopped the car, stepping out and finding Wick standing at the gates of his house.

"Leave it to Bellamy Blake to make sure he had a dramatic entrance." Wick said. Bellamy gave him his best shit-eating grin before opening the door for Fox and helping her out. The other cars seemed to follow suit after watching Bellamy, parking behind and around him, never going past the point he did. Bellamy lead the way to Wick, reaching his hand out and Wick taking it in his own before they pulled in and bumped shoulders. What a stupid handshake, Bellamy thought, and yet, he still did it. "How long's it been, man? Before you left?"

"Yeah." Bellamy said, appreciating that Wick left his question vague enough to where Fox and the others now approaching couldn't tell what he meant. Bellamy was sure some of them knew about what he did not so long ago, the ugly parts and the better parts as well, but Wick was the kind of guy that would never gossip about other people's business. Bellamy pulled away with a smile on his face, but it quickly dissolved into a shocked expression when he saw who else but Raven Reyes standing beside him. She had a brace on her left leg, and Bellamy furrowed his brows. His question escaped him, though, and he shook his head and looked back at Wick. Raven already noticed the look on his face and sneered visibly.

"It's not  _ in  _ town." Raven said. Bellamy nodded.

"Don't need to explain it to me." Bellamy responded under his breath. "Well? What are we waiting for?"

"Damn, Bellamy Blake partying with a bunch of college students?" Wick laughed. "I thought you were just the chaperone."

"You're real funny, you know that?" Bellamy playfully pushed Wick away. "We're both babysitters tonight."

"Yeah, right." Wick said, leading the way to his house while the rest followed. The back of Wick's house had acres of grass and space, and beyond that, the beach. Bellamy never asked how Wick came to own such a huge house, or how he kept up with the care for it, but it didn't matter either. "I'm making it my personal mission to get you shitfaced by the end of the night."

"Don't plan on it, but I admire your dedication."

Jasper followed them along with everybody else, hands stuffed away in his pockets and swallowing down the protests practically bursting out of him for Bellamy to return to his side. Instead, he looked down at the ground for split seconds while he sneaked a few furtive glances towards Bellamy. A light tapping brought him back from the daydreaming daze he was subsequently thrown in, turning his attention to the girl walking next to him. The girl that got into the car when Bellamy invited her in.

"My name is Fox." She grinned. "É um prazer conhecê-lo."

"Uhm, Jasper." Jasper said, reaching his hand out to her, but instead, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. His cheeks warmed, and he lifted his fingers to rub at the spot she had touched. She smiled and kept walking with him, introducing herself more while he nodded along with her words and pretended that he was listening. She seemed nice enough, and he really did want to know her considering without Bellamy, he was lost, but Jasper couldn't help noticing the not-so-inconspicuous looks Bellamy was giving to the short, brown-haired girl that walked by Wick's side. He'd seen that familiar smile on Bellamy's face, and it was never directed towards him, but to comforting memories, and sometimes while he was drunk, Murphy.

Are you in love with him?

Are you in love with her?

What came first, the beach or the party, Jasper couldn't tell, since it seemed to blend both aspects of it so seamlessly, it felt like the same thing. Jasper grabbed whatever drink he saw first, which happened to be vodka, pouring himself a glass and lying back on the beach, still fully clothed, comfortably resting on the sand behind him. Bellamy had abandoned him after meeting up with a group of people that Jasper barely knew, the only one worth speaking to Clarke, but he didn't want to interrupt whatever they had going on. Fox was bumbling from group to group of people, a social butterfly, and unlike Jasper, extremely open with everybody. Another girl named Harper had come up and tried to talk to him, but quickly left when she realized he wasn't feeling particularly conversational. Bellamy had slipped away from his sights again, not bothering to even look at him from the moment they showed up. Jasper didn't blame him. All of the people there were people Jasper could only ever hope to be friends with. Of course Bellamy ran with those kind of people. Of course he did.

Jasper pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. The sun was already starting to set, having spent the better half of his day scrolling through old texts with Maya and guzzling down vodka and whiskey to try and mask the fact that he was making stupid decisions that early in the day. Sometimes Jasper was proud of what a heavyweight he was with alcohol, but at times like these, he almost wished he had been blackout drunk already.

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath of the beach when he felt the sand beside him shift, a quiet noise from beside him. He didn't bother to look, knowing it was probably Fox again, coming for another round of trying to speak to him.

"Hey." The voice was much deeper than Fox's, shocking Jasper enough to make his eyes shoot open and glance to his right. The man of the hour, Bellamy Blake, sat beside him. He held a beer in his hands, eyes studying Jasper's tense figure. "You should take a swim before we go back to Wick's."

"Is that new slang for, "You should sit on the beach and drink until you can't see straight?"" Jasper said with a weak laugh. "If so, I am way ahead of you, my dude." Bellamy let out a quiet chuckle.

"It's, uh, me hinting that you should go out and swim with us." Bellamy said, nudging Jasper. "Monty's out there."

"Oh man, stop it, you're  _ really  _ making it sound tempting now." His voice was dripping in sarcasm, Bellamy laughing harder at him. Jasper hated noticing what made Bellamy laugh and what didn't, because then he just made it feel forced. He wanted to keep making jokes and hearing his laugh because it was one of the best things he had ever heard. Taking another swig of vodka, Jasper directed his attention to the water. He already knew Monty was out there, he had been staring shamelessly at him along with Bellamy. He had been watching all of them. He hated it.

"C'mon." Bellamy said, taking the cup of vodka out of Jasper's hands and shoving him lightly again. "You dragged me out here. I'm dragging you out there."

"Yeah.... no, not happening."

"Jas."

"Bell."

"I will carry you out there."

"You will not." Jasper forced a laugh, but watching Bellamy stand up, finally realizing Bellamy's hair was already soaking wet, normally wavy hair wet with water as he set his beer down in the sand, made Jasper realize that he was serious. "W-wait, don't carry me, holy shit."

"We're gonna play chicken fight, you can sit on my shoulders." Bellamy said. "You've got trunks, right?"

"Weren't you the one that didn't want to come to the party in the first place?"

"Yeah, and who was the one that convinced me to come?" Bellamy said, reaching his hand out for Jasper. Jasper took it in his own, savoring the warmth of his hand before he pulled his shirt off over his head and threw it on the sand. "It's your fault I'm here. Take responsibility." Bellamy joked, wide grin on his face.

"At least you're having fun, I guess."

"Hurry up." Bellamy said, gesturing towards Jasper's jeans, and Jasper grimaced, pursing his lips as he thought, Didn't think Bellamy would ever say that to me but whatever.

"All right, fine." Jasper unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them off but carefully making sure his shorts were still tied around his waist. "There, you happy?"

"Lexa's on Clarke's shoulders, so let's try and knock her off."

"Bellamy, have you seen my noodle arms?"

"Yeah, I have, but there is no way I'm going on your shoulders." Bellamy teased, pulling Jasper by his arm and dragging him to the water. Jasper thought that he probably wouldn't mind going for a swim if Monty wasn't out there. At least he wouldn't have to pretend he wasn't staring at him, trying to catch his attention by doing absolutely nothing. "Why're you just sitting on the sand anyways? Having some deep introspective thoughts while everyone around you is hammered?"

"Big words for a drunkard. In case you haven't noticed, I'm probably thoroughly hammered too."

"Probably won't cut it." Bellamy said before Jasper felt the cold water rising too fast too soon, reaching his belly button as he shivered. Bellamy continued to pull at him until they were up to their chests. "All right, on my shoulders."

"You're going down, boys." Clarke said from underneath Lexa, her girlfriend's legs over his shoulder as they both laughed and splashed water at the two of them. Bellamy grinned that same smile from earlier, Jasper telling himself to ignore the way his stomach flipped at the sight of it. Bellamy's hands grabbed onto the back of Jasper's legs as Jasper ended up on his shoulders, searching for something to hold onto.

"This is unbelievably unfair." Lexa said, gesturing towards the fact that Jasper, six foot tall, and Bellamy, 5 foot 11 inches, were seemingly stacked, having at least a foot of leverage of Lexa and Clarke. "I call bullshit, get someone shorter."

"What, are you chicken?" Jasper said playfully, Lexa's eyes narrowing before he splashed water in hers and Clarke's faces. Bellamy sputtered out a laugh, hands moving to Jasper's thighs and holding him in place. "Afraid you won't win?"

"Oh, please." Lexa said, splashing an equal amount of water Bellamy and Jasper. "You're almost as scary as Clarke is."

"Clarke is terrifying, what are you talking about?" Bellamy teased, earning a noise of offense from Clarke.

"Like a teddy bear." Lexa laughed as Clarke took a step forward in the water, Bellamy mirroring her steps and Jasper's and Lexa's hands locking together. Lexa shoved roughly, nearly knocking Jasper off of Bellamy's shoulders, but Bellamy pulled him back up with a quiet laugh. Jasper locked their hands together this time, pushing Lexa equally as hard and earning rough shoves. Bellamy splashed water in Clarke's face, making her sputter and stumble back, but Lexa did the same to Bellamy. "That's cheating!"

Jasper couldn't help but laugh at the game, how stupid it was, but couldn't deny the amusement he felt whenever they clashed back together. Bellamy's fingers tightened around his thighs every so often, sometimes when Lexa reared her body to push Jasper, and other times, just because he had his hands there. Jasper opted to ignore it as finally found Lexa leaning to Clarke's right. With their hands still together, he pulled her instead of pushed her and watched as she slipped off of Clarke's shoulders. Jasper threw his arms up in victory, Bellamy letting him slide off of his shoulders before they high fived with stupid grins on their faces. Jasper sunk his toes into the muddy sand beneath him, savoring the graininess between his toes as Bellamy turned his attention back to Jasper.

"Let's play more." Jasper said, Clarke now on Lexa's shoulders. "Well, I'll still be on top."

"Clarke's gonna wreck you." Bellamy laughed. "Also, your hair isn't even wet." Bellamy's hands came out of the water and he tangled his fingers in a wavy lock of his brown hair. Before Jasper realized it, Bellamy had shoved him into the water, only long enough to shock him before he reached in and stood him up. "There. Better?"

"Oh, you're a dick." Jasper laughed, lurching forward and shoving Bellamy into the water. Jasper's hands searched for something to grab onto as he surfaced, hands landing on Bellamy's arms as Bellamy let out a sputtering laugh and wiped his face free of the beach water. "We're even."

"Are we playing, or are you two gonna keep rolling around in the sand?" Lexa shouted loud enough for the others to hear, a quiet laughter spreading through them as Bellamy kicked water towards them. Jasper moved to stand up, but before he did, Bellamy's hand landed on his arm, pulling him down to the water again, but keeping his head above water. His warm breath hit Jasper's ear, and Jasper swallowed hard at the sudden contrast of the cold water around them.

"Stay with me at the party. Don't be such a loner." He said before swinging Jasper around and pulling on his legs again. "C'mon, let's go."

Jasper dumbly followed his orders, ending up on his shoulders before Bellamy smacked his thigh and caught his attention again.

This was getting a little ridiculous now, he thought, but didn't argue with Bellamy.

God, Jasper wouldn't argue with him ever again if that was what it was going to be like.

The time seemed to melt together again, playing chicken fight in the water until they crawled out to shore and laid on the sand. Bellamy grabbed Jasper's clothes for him, stuffing them away in his bag before returning with a towel for Jasper. The alcohol had settled in his chest, burning and aching as he grabbed the towel and wiped his face with it.

"Thanks, mom. Carry me back to the party." Jasper said.

"What, you can't walk?"

"Don't wanna."

"That's just lazy."

"The vodka is hitting me really hard." Jasper said through a breathy laugh.

"C'mon, I'll take you on my back." Bellamy said, crouching down and patting his shoulder. Jasper easily pushed himself up off of the beach, lazily hanging his arms around Bellamy's shoulders as Bellamy handed him his bag. "You gotta carry this, though, since you're being so useless."

"Mm, thanks." Jasper laughed, tightening the string around his fingers and holding the bag while Bellamy stood up and carried him along the path back to Wick's place. Finn found his way to their sides, gesturing towards Jasper with a laugh.

"He looks right comfortable."

"So comfortable." Jasper mumbled.

"He's sorting some stuff." Bellamy said back to Finn before his voice lowered. "Hey, do you know if Mbege is out?"

"Last I heard, Murphy had bailed him out." Finn said. Jasper felt Bellamy tense at the sound of his name, but Jasper wasn't complaining, fingers resting just under his shoulder blade as he smiled. God, being drunk with Bellamy was better than being drunk alone any day. "I know he's selling again, though."

"Is he an idiot? Murphy needs to bench him."

"Murphy doesn't have enough people left to bench him." Finn said softly. "I mean, who left after you did? First it was you, then me... Mbege said he was leaving, Monroe too, Myles. Lexa won't risk her people. Shit, I can't even remember everyone that left."

"So he lost some people, all he's got to do is find more."

"If it's so easy, why don't you go back?" Finn said.

"You know why I will never go back to that." Bellamy said. Jasper hummed against Bellamy's shoulder, leaning himself closer so his face was in the crook of his neck. Maybe if he acted drunk enough, Bellamy wouldn't mind his small ministrations to his shoulder's and his warm breath against him. "I'd never put Octavia in danger like that."

"Is she the only reason you left?"

Bellamy furrowed his brows, shaking his head and swallowing hard. Jasper already knew all of this, didn't he? It didn't make a difference if he talked this way with Finn.

"No, she's not. But she's the biggest reason. She's my sister, my responsibility. I'm not going to fuck up her life any more than I already have."

"Admirable." Finn nodded. "Murphy been there to see you lately?"

"Of course." Bellamy said in exasperation.

"I take it you're totally trying your hardest to keep him out." Finn replied sarcastically.

"Shut up." Bellamy shot him a glare. Finn raised his hands defensively, opting for a different conversational topic so he didn't risk pissing Bellamy off more than he already had. Jasper listened to them talk about anything but what was important, about the one person that kept bothering Bellamy, making him smile in that way that only he could. Jasper lazily dragged his finger along Bellamy's back, dragging his fingers along Bellamy's back as he took a long bated breath and splaying his fingers out on his back. Bellamy hardly noticed, his breath staying the same as Jasper tried to deny the bubbling disappointment in his chest. If it were anybody else, he bet Bellamy would have noticed.

Within a few more minutes of mindless chatter, they all ended up back at Wick's. Music was already echoing through the large home, Wick having set up speakers across the entire house, in the rooms that mattered at least. Jasper opted to find a bathroom upstairs, taking a quick shower to rinse off the sand even though nobody else seemed to mind. Some of the women still walked around in their bikinis, tugging at the strings on their hips and playing with them while they chatted up people and guzzled down their drinks without so much as a second thought. Jasper rubbed his hair with the towel he had stolen from the bathroom, pulling on his clothes from earlier without hesitation. Bellamy mentioned something about staying downstairs to drink, and to find him once he finished cleaning up, but Jasper wasn't particularly motivated to find him among the crowd of bustling, drunk college students. Jasper shoved his way through the crowd, making his way back to the kitchen. Vodka and mixers, whiskey, Jager, and best of all, jungle juice Wick had been saving in his basement for this type of party. Jasper decided against it, though, considering he was already buzzed, and drinking jungle juice would definitely make him pass out before he even had a chance to experience the party.

Jasper apologized as he made his way back to the living room, music pounding loud while everybody danced. The crowd bumped with each loud beat, barely discernibly speaking over the music when Jasper found Octavia dancing. She smiled at him, waving him over to dance. He shook his head, but before he could object, she had pulled him in, making him move to the beat with her while he took another sip of his drink. Months ago, this would have been a dream come true, dancing with Octavia this way while they were both drunk and stupid. He'd never do anything while he was drunk, having had it drilled in his brain that it was wrong from the time that he was young, but dancing with Octavia was comforting, and there was no denying that she was attractive. He knew she had a boyfriend, though, so he decided against occasionally smiling at her before guzzling down the rest of his drink. Not realizing what he was saying when he said it, he opened his mouth to start talking.

"Have you seen Bellamy around?" Jasper shouted. Octavia's expression fell, and she shook her head. "Sorry." He apologized. She shrugged before pointing in the direction of the game room, where there was less music and more talking.

"Saw him go in there with Clarke."

It was Jasper's turn to frown now, heart stopping in his chest as he nodded and pointed his thumb to the kitchen.

"Gonna get another drink."

"Grab me one." Octavia grinned.

"I think if your brother knows I supplied you with alcohol, he'll string me up." He joked. Octavia rolled her eyes, pushing Jasper off of the dance floor and followed him to the kitchen again. A few people waved and smiled at her, but didn't dare to talk to her any more than they already had. Bellamy was intimidating enough about her as it was.

"He's been following her around like a dog on a leash." Octavia commented. Jasper nodded. "He's an idiot. Hitting on someone who already has a girlfriend."

"I don't think he's hitting on her." Jasper said uneasily.

"Well, he likes her." Octavia said. "He's never had a girlfriend. Stupid loner should get one before he gets too old."

"A girlfriend?"

"Yeah." Octavia shrugged. "He acts like he's not interested in any girls."

Jasper furrowed his brows, opting not to mention the fact that Bellamy could have very well been interested in guys, so his lack of interest in girls didn't mean anything. Swallowing his words, he nodded and took a heavy drink of the vodka he had mixed with some soda. Octavia cleared her throat to catch his attention, but dumbly, he looked away instead, so she punched his shoulder.

"Thanks for being his friend." Octavia said, averting her gaze to the floor. "He hasn't been out to a party in a long time. You convinced him to come, so... thanks." She smiled. Jasper nodded, cheeks naturally warming at the meaningful smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She looked back up at him. "Well, if you find him, tell him I'm still pissy about what happened earlier. I mean, I'm not, but let him think I am for a little longer."

"Sure thing." Jasper laughed, and she sent him on his way after topping off his drink with more vodka, and not nearly enough soda to balance out the alcohol, to keep him just buzzed. Jasper didn't complain though, drinking as he walked through the living room and towards the game room. There he found Bellamy sitting on the couch, nursing another beer while Clarke sat opposite of him with Lexa just beside her. Jasper was about to walk in and greet them all when he saw Monty sitting beside Bellamy, drunken expression on his face as he leaned towards Bellamy's shoulder and rested his head on his side. Bellamy glanced at him with a laugh, then continued directing his attention back to Clarke and Lexa.

Jasper didn't react fast enough, glued to the spot when Clarke looked up at him and waved him over, but not before Monty noticed his lanky figure standing there. A disparaging frown came over his lips, eyebrows furrowed as he pushed himself off of the couch and shoved past Jasper to make his way somewhere, anywhere but where Jasper was. Bellamy finally tore his gaze away from Clarke long enough to find Jasper, red cheeked and embarrassed as he walked over to the couch and sat where Monty had before. His shoulders sunk, Bellamy patting his back reassuringly.

"He's not pissed."

"Yes he is, did you see him?" Jasper replied incredulously. "Your sister still hates you, by the way." Jasper mumbled to Bellamy, who grimaced and pushed him lightly.

"Wow, thanks."

"Welcome." Jasper leaned back on the couch, sighing dramatically while the three of them continued speaking. It seemed that Bellamy was having a much better time than he was at the party, drinking beer even though he said before it tasted like piss, and then moving onto the heavier alcohol once he felt it had drank enough. Jasper watched as Clarke handed him drink after drink, having swiped a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen cabinet. Lexa herself wasn't drinking, and Jasper finally decided to stop being such a sorry sap so he could speak with her.

"Why aren't you drinking?" He asked. She shrugged.

"I find no pleasure in it."

"What, like, religious reasons?"

"No, I just don't enjoy it. It's not bad, but I don't have any reason to drink." Lexa said, scooting off of the couch and joining him on the floor. How he ended up there, Jasper didn't remember. He just remembered that the floor seemed much more comfortable than the couch. He was wrong. "My mother used to say that people ran from their problems when they drank."

"Your mother sounds like a wise person." Jasper nodded.

"She died from alcohol poisoning. Doesn't make her seem so wise, and it doesn't make alcohol all that tempting either." Lexa continued casually, Jasper going wide eyed at the sound of her words, as if that was really a conversational topic she should have expanded on. "What are you running from, Jasper?"

Jasper snorted. "Lots of stuff."

"Does it all scare you?" Lexa said. "Or are you just running because you don't want to deal with it?"

"Why deal with it?" Jasper said nonchalantly. Lexa didn't bother pressing further, and instead, focused her attention on Clarke. Jasper let his eyes flutter up to Bellamy, swallowing thickly as the conversation between him and Clarke continued. He felt Lexa nudging him, and he turned to her again.

"Don't look at him so intensely, you're only wasting your time." Lexa said. "His interest lies in Murphy."

Jasper's heart lurched at the sound of her voice, breath falling short as he furrowed his brows and pushed himself off of the floor. Bellamy's attention turned to Jasper, but Jasper was shoving past him before he could ask what bothered him, back into the fray of people, all of them strangers before he finally shoved his way upstairs and into a vacant room on the second floor of Wick's home. He locked it behind him, not caring that he left his drink behind, left Bellamy behind, left it all so he could run to the bathroom and throw up. His stomach heaved, chest aching as the familiar, dull pain in his throat returned. Soon he had vacated most of his stomach, but the pounding of alcohol in his veins was still there. He swallowed hard, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Leave it to Lexa to not only know what was bothering him, but bring it up as if Jasper could just shove his feelings away, his gut wrenched in anger as he remembered how Bellamy looked whenever Murphy came into the store. He was angry. Why couldn't Bellamy just hate Murphy? Why wasn't it easier to push him out of his life and focus on somebody who clearly cared about him? But Jasper's stomach turned at that thought again. Jasper never showed Bellamy he cared about him. He was selfish and reckless, borderline suicidal since Maya's death, but he never showed Bellamy that he cared. What a joke.

Downstairs, Bellamy almost followed Jasper, but stopped at the sound of Clarke's voice telling him to leave it alone. Lexa sat down beside Clarke again, eyes narrowed in guilt as Bellamy shot her a glare.

"What'd you say to him?"

"Nothing that wasn't true." Lexa said easily. "Maybe he just got sick at the sight of the two of you shamelessly flirting." Lexa directed her malicious tone of voice towards Clarke, pushing herself off of the couch and heading in the same direction that Jasper did. Clarke wasn't far behind, the two of their voices dissolving into the sound of the music and others talking. Bellamy pulled his phone out, lazily laying back on the couch and calling Jasper. The phone rang a few times, Bellamy considering hanging up when Jasper picked up with a quiet voice.

"Where'd you go?"

"Upstairs." Jasper said. "I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

"Which room upstairs?" Bellamy asked. Jasper stuttered before he mumbled his answer in response. Bellamy walked towards the stairs, making his way past people that tried to gain his attention, strangers he had never met or spoken to before, and ended up in front of Jasper's room. He jiggled the doorknob, Jasper opening it a second later and moving out of the path to let Bellamy in. "You're going to bed already?" Bellamy said. Jasper nodded and turned back to the bed, falling flat on it with a quiet oof! It smelled like laundry detergent and flowers, Jasper practically suffocating in the scent as he turned his head to the side so he could breathe. Bellamy sat on the end of the bed, lying down next to him and poking Jasper's side experimentally. "What happened?"

"S'nothing." Jasper slurred.

"Lexa said something to you, didn't she?"

"No."

"What happened, Jas?"

"Jus' didn't feel good." Jasper admitted, not really lying when he said it. He didn't feel good after what Lexa said, that much was true.

"Lexa said I was flirting with Clarke."

"Weren't you?"

"No."

"Mm."

Bellamy turned to face him on the bed. "Was I flirting?"

"Looked like flirting to me." Jasper said, turning his face the other way. He kicked his shoes off after a second of hesitation. Sleep really didn't sound like such a bad idea.

"I really don't have a crush on Clarke." Bellamy explained. Jasper shrugged. "I used to. Not anymore, though."

"Maybe you have an affinity for hitting on people then. A natural born lady killer."

"I didn't mean to hit on Clarke. I'm serious, Jas."

"You were coming onto Fox earlier too." Jasper said, regretting it the moment it slipped past his lips. "And Harper. And that girl with Wick."

"Raven?"

"Is that her name?" Jasper said curiously.

Bellamy fell silent, biting his bottom lip. He found himself hesitating to answer. Jasper rolled over so he was on his back, side by side with Bellamy while their legs hung over the edge of the bed. This bed was made for little kids, Jasper thought, since the two of them hardly had room to fit on it. But Jasper didn't have the energy to find another room where they would actually fit on the bed. This was fine for a drunken night's sleep.

"Octavia doesn't hate you."

"Do you hate me?"

"No." Jasper furrowed his brows, voice dripping in disbelief. "No, where would you even get that from?"

"It happens sometimes." Bellamy said. "I do something wrong, fuck up in some way and everyone hates me. Figured I did that with you again."

"God, no." Jasper said, licking his lips. "Maybe you should, though. That way I can hate you. Makes everything a whole lot easier."

"Makes what easier?"

"Nothing."

"Don't do that. Tell me what you were saying."

"No." Jasper furrowed his brows, sitting up on the bed. There was a thudding noise from downstairs, and then the music seemingly stopped short. Bellamy heard it too, but thought nothing of it. "What's that noise?"

"Idiots doing stupid things." Bellamy pinched Jasper's arm. "Tell me what you were saying."

"No, that doesn't sound like.... Bell, c'mon."

Bellamy rolled his eyes and rose from the bed, following Jasper while they made their way back downstairs. The music had stopped, and there was now an echoing voice addressing the first floor of party goers. By the time they made it downstairs, Jasper found himself faced with groups of police officers, all of which had their guns, or tasers drawn. Bellamy swallowed hard, pulling on Jasper's arm and shaking his head. If they stopped where they were, Bellamy could send Jasper back upstairs to hide, but Jasper shook him off and kept walking downstairs. Eventually they spotted him, and not long after, Bellamy trailing behind him. The sound of Emerson's voice rang through the air, and Bellamy held back the urge to punch him right then and there.

"Well, well, if it isn't our favorite trouble maker." Emerson smiled as Bellamy shoved through the crowd of people.

"What are you doing here?" Bellamy narrowed his eyes to Emerson.

"Noise complaint. You all do realize it's 2in the morning, right?" Emerson addressed the whole group. "Of course, with a noise complaint comes random searches of drunken underage college students, who happen to be under the influence of drugs as well." Emerson laughed, poking Bellamy in the chest. "You wouldn't happen to know where the drugs came from, right?"

"I told you I don't do that anymore." Bellamy said. The groups of police dispersed among the crowd, grabbing random kids and pulling them out by their arms. Bellamy watched as they threw down kids he knew, people that did nothing wrong and he knew it, and then finally watching Lovejoy grab Octavia and throw her down to the ground. His heart ached in his chest at the sight of his sister, an animalistic rage in his veins as he tried to run for Octavia on the ground.

"Found drugs on her."

"Liar!" Octavia said, then pushed herself off of the ground so she could be at face level with the cop that had thrown her. She spat in his face, quickly being restrained to the ground. Bellamy was already shoving past Emerson, who grabbed his shoulder to stop him, but Bellamy lifted his hand and punched him before he even had a second to realize what he was doing.

"Don't touch her!" Bellamy growled, the cops on Octavia pulling themselves off only so they could stop Bellamy from knocking them out. "O, run!" He shouted, throwing another punch as a second cop went down. Jasper rushed forward, stopped short only by a pair of hands landing on his arm. Monty shook his head, squeezing tightly and making Jasper hesitate in helping. Another group of police came forward, half of them slamming Bellamy to the ground while the other half grabbed Octavia and threw her back into the group of kids. "Don't touch her, don't touch her! That's my sister!" Bellamy yelled from the ground, his face slammed into the dirty tile floor of Wick's house. Bellamy hissed as he felt a shoe rest on the back of his head, pressing down before Emerson pulled his boot off and laughed.

"Bellamy." Octavia cried from the crowd, people mumbling under their breath but not one of them running forward or doing anything. Nobody, except Jasper, who shook off Monty's hands and pressed forward, stopped only by two police officers grabbing him by his arms and dragging him back to the crowd.

"You can't do this, you can't do this to him." Jasper thrashed in their hold. "He didn't do anything. Let him go! Let him go! I've been with him all day, he wasn't selling anything, let me go! Bellamy!" Emerson crouched down beside Bellamy, rolling him over on his back once they finished handcuffing his hands behind him. Bellamy hissed as he felt Emerson smack his face slightly, smug grin tugging at the corners of his lips at the sight of Bellamy Blake writhing at his feet.

"Congratulations, Bellamy. You're under arrest for assaulting an officer of the law, distribution of illegal narcotics, and possession with intent to sell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!
> 
> hey guys! sorry that i havent updated in so long. truth be told, i have chapters written out, but they're unedited and i dont like to post unedited works, but i know it's been a long, long time, so here goes nothing!
> 
> let me know if you find typos or mistakes. i think i edited this once? but im not sure, so any help is! helpful!
> 
> also, i moved accounts! i moved all my old fandom stuff to this account (necromanced), and sad_machine used to be my kpop fic account. now my kpop fic account is spicyboyfriend, but anyway!! yeah im still the same person, just a different name~ thank you so much for keeping up if you're still reading ;;; im sorry its taking me so long to post, and i appreciate people sticking by the story!! thank you thank you thank you~ ♥


	10. I am Become Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh fair warning, i havent read through this for typos or mistakes at all..... i dont think there should be too many but just a fair warning,,,,,

Afraid.

Bellamy was afraid.

Sitting up in a cold sweat in his jail cell, after having fallen asleep for a couple of hours, he fell into a comfortable lull initially, as he always did. His brain was telling him he wouldn't have another nightmare if he only fell asleep for a few hours, enough to rest his eyes after the long day at the party, and even beyond that once he was arrested, and yet, once he did, once his heart fell to a slow beat, once his eyes relaxed and his body went numb, the nightmares began. What a cruel joke, Bellamy thought, that his body waited until he had calmed down to turn on him and force him awake in the middle of the night.

To make matters worse, Emerson was sitting outside of his cell, a shit eating grin on his face while Bellamy sat up practically in tears. Bellamy sneered at the sight of him, pulling his knees to his chest and holding onto his knees as if they were the only thing that could calm him down. Emerson hadn't moved from his spot in hours, but Bellamy knew he'd have to leave sooner or later. Then Bellamy would cry if he needed to, if he needed to get it out of his system. Thinking back to the nights before when he had nightmares, most of the time he cried it out until he felt tired again and fell asleep, but he wasn't planning on letting Emerson see him that way any time soon. Instead, he focused on nights where somebody was there to comfort him instead. Octavia had sang to him, brought him to sleep with her like times when they were young. That felt like years ago now.

Jasper had been there, once, Bellamy remembered. After a night of drinking, that same night that Maya died, Jasper ended up on the floor of the bookstore soaked to the bone. For some reason, Bellamy thought  _Moise and the World of Reason_ was a good book to recommend to Jasper at the time. He didn't understand why, considering it wasn't a fantastic choice, but he still gave it to him. No complaints yet.

Only bits and pieces of that night made it through the white noise in Bellamy's brain. He was still buzzing from the alcohol he had guzzled down at the party, not particularly caring if he went past his limit that night. Now he just wanted the pounding in his head to leave, for it to pass before he threw up what little he had left in his stomach. Acid bubbled in the pit of his stomach, threatening to move up to his throat but he swallowed it down thickly and forced himself to try and remember what it was Jasper did that was so comforting.

But the only thing that managed to worm its way through his mind, out of the numbest depths of his drunken brain was the sensation of Jasper's arms around him, pulling him closer on the couch while they shared warmth on the couch and threatened to suffocate one another in how deeply they were pressed together. Bellamy had never felt that way before, never in his life had he wanted to be close to another person so they were practically the same. A flooding warmth spread in Bellamy's head, cheeks flush and ears burning as he swore with a slight wind came the scent of Jasper's usual musk, which couldn't have been anything else but sweat and shampoo, though it was still intoxicating. For split seconds, Bellamy swore feather light touches were spreading on his skin, the hair on his neck standing on end before he sighed and rested his head against the wall behind him.

Being alone with his thoughts was trouble enough. Maybe that was part of the reason he had been avoiding Jasper all night. The pieces inside of Bellamy's brain had started to shift and slip together in the time they had spent in the car on the way to Wick's, when they shared laughs on the beach and ended up in the water with Jasper on his shoulders. Then they headed back to Wick's house for what was supposed to be a night of drunken haze, but Bellamy felt Jasper's fingers rubbing circles into his skin and his warm breaths against his skin. Nothing could have been more sobering than those sensations washing over him as everything made sense, why he was so worried about Jasper all the time, why he wanted to protect him from Murphy and the rest of the shit that seemed to follow their friendship around-- because Bellamy wanted more than just friendship with that scrawny kid with dark hair and darker eyes, who joked and talked to him until Bellamy let him in his life. Even though Bellamy claimed he only talked to Jasper because he was lonely, there seemed to be something more to it than loneliness. He wasn't looking for somebody to talk to, somebody who wanted to listen to him and not judge him as he had claimed he found with Murphy. The compliance of having somebody like that wasn't what he wanted.

He wanted somebody who was willing to tell him when things were right and things were wrong, when they were amazing and they were bad, and maybe if they were both confused, it could be okay because they were together. None of this was making sense to Bellamy, heart aching in his chest as he gritted his teeth and bit down hard on his bottom lip. None of it was making sense, he couldn't piece his feelings together in a coherent sentence because his thoughts were interrupted by Jasper's name, and he knew that somewhere along the way their friendship had warped into something Bellamy had never wanted it to go. Attraction, sure, infatuation, whatever, but this was beyond that. Bellamy didn't even want to think of the word that this was. It was wrong, he tried to convince himself while lightly hitting his head against the wall behind him. Emerson kicked the bars in front of him, making Bellamy glare at him from the side of his eye.

"Don't make yourself dumber than you already are." Emerson said, Bellamy mocking him before turning away and focusing his eyes on a spot on the wall in front of him.

This was bad.

Jasper was still reeling from his previous relationship, and Bellamy didn't blame him, but why did Bellamy pick such a shitty time to notice his heart skipping as he felt Jasper's fingertips brushing against his skin? Why was the thought of falling asleep with him so comforting? He couldn't even blame it on his nightmares anymore, since it had turned from worrying about his nightmares into imagining the way he smelled, how warm his chest was. Bellamy pressed himself closer and wondered if Jasper was always this warm. Monty had the privilege of cuddling with Jasper whenever he wanted.

Wanting that sort of thing from Jasper was wrong. Bellamy never intended to be as attached as he already was, overly fond of the idea of being with Jasper closely, but he was. He couldn't have been, he thought. If he really was, he'd have to force himself to stay away from Jasper that way, from staring at him as he sat in the store reading, from imagining his gentle sleepy breaths while they curled up together on Bellamy's small couch, during times of shame when he wished he had a bedroom and an actual bed, but Jasper didn't seem to mind at all. It was the alcohol, Bellamy told himself between touches to his chest and warm breaths that mingled late at night. They both should've known better, but neither made a move to do anything. Bellamy didn't even know if Jasper was interested in men, so why was he letting himself get ahead like that? Bellamy shoved away the thoughts, but they lingered in worse ways. The fact remained that he couldn't have anything more than friendship with Jasper because Bellamy was a danger, a  _threat_ to anybody near him. Octavia herself had experienced it for the first time this weekend, and Bellamy would never forgive himself for that. They weren't nearly as harsh to Jasper as they were to Octavia, shoving him into the crowd of people at the party when he tried to help Bellamy, but if anything happened to Jasper the way it happened to Octavia.... No amount of drinking would make up for it. It wasn't even safe for Bellamy to be his friend, and yet, the thought of pushing him away like he should have months ago was painful.

But it had to be done.

Bellamy let out a loud sigh with the resolve of telling Jasper he couldn't be his friend anymore. As if drawing strength from the air around him, Bellamy had to remind himself that he was doing this for Jasper's good, for Jasper's well being, despite the little voice in the back of Bellamy's mind objecting and saying he was doing it for his own selfish reasons, like avoiding his feelings and ensuring he wouldn't act on them. Jasper would never have felt that way about him anyway, making it clear on multiple occasions that he saw Bellamy as his friend, nothing more than his friend. If Jasper was so comfortable with Bellamy as to sleep on the same couch with him and be close to him physically, it was obvious Jasper didn't have those kinds of feelings for Bellamy.

Of course he wouldn't.

With a sick feeling bubbling in his stomach, Bellamy shot Emerson another side glare.

"When can I get out of here?" Bellamy said.

"Oh, you'll be lucky to get out in a couple of weeks, maybe." Emerson said.

"Then why are you sitting there?" Bellamy grumbled. "If I'm going to be in here for weeks, you should find something to do with your pathetic existence now that I'm off the streets."

"Careful there, Blake, you're on thin ice."

"Oh, I'm just now reaching thin ice? Damn, I would've insulted you more when you came into my store and crushed my fucking hand if I had known that." Bellamy gestured towards his palm, which was still tender if Bellamy moved his fingers the wrong way.

"Think you got back at me by knocking my fucking tooth out." Emerson shot his words at Bellamy.

"I did?"

"Oh yeah. And you punched Pike. So, as far as getting out of here goes, you're going to have a really hard time convincing anybody you should be out after you punched two cops in the face."

The fleeting second of Bellamy's fist connecting with Emerson's jaw seemed to reappear in chunks, and Bellamy couldn't help it as a smile crept onto his lips.

"Wipe that stupid smile off your face." Emerson said.

"You're just mad because I knocked your one good tooth out." Bellamy teased.

"I'm so fucking glad we got you in here for something. Now I can watch you pretend to act hard behind the bars of a cell."

"Tough talk coming from a guy who threatened to arrest a bunch of drunk college kids." Bellamy said, tilting his head towards Emerson. "Out of sheer fucking curiosity, does it make you feel like a big tough man when you grab 18 year old girls and throw them on the ground after planting drugs on them? Does it make you feel strong and macho taking down someone half your size?"

"Fuck off."

"I'm sorry, what was that? I think you're lisping a little. Sounds like you lost a tooth, you okay there, Emerson?"

"Well, I'm glad to see you two are getting along."

Bellamy's and Emerson's bickering was interrupted by the sound of a woman's voice, sweet in tone but menacing with her words. Her dark hair cascaded over her thin shoulders, posture straight and serious as Emerson stood up and reached his hand out for her, introducing himself quietly. The smile she gave him was genuine, but her gaze narrowed to Bellamy instead, and he felt a chill manage to run along his spine, Bellamy licking his dry bottom lip. Bellamy knew most of the officers in the station, considering how small the town was, the station was even smaller. The station didn't even have detectives, so if anything ever happened, they had to call in detectives from the town over. Most of the time, it was a blessing since the detectives from the town ever didn't know anything about Bellamy or his club at the time, so they shied away from him. The cops here hated it.

"Bellamy Blake." Her voice boomed from behind the bars, Bellamy hardly flinching at her words and instead standing up off of the lumpy and uncomfortable bed to approach the bars of his cell. He stuffed his hands in his pocket as soon as Emerson reached for the taser on his belt, their eyes locking for only a split second before Bellamy looked at the woman. Her lips were full, but cracked and dry as she looked down at a file in her hands and opened to the first paper among many inside of it. "They've got quite a folder on you here, and yet, you have no record." She said without meeting his gaze, pacing back and forth from one end of his cell to the other end while her high heeled shoes clacked against the cement floor. "Interesting, don't you think?"

Bellamy shrugged and cocked his head to the left while she continued to avoid his intense stare, so Bellamy let his eyes flicker towards Emerson instead. In the few seconds that Bellamy wasn't paying attention, the woman had handed Emerson a paper, his eyes grazing over each word before he nodded, folding it into smaller and smaller squares until he was able to fit it in the palm of his hand and fold his hands together behind him. Their eyes met again, Bellamy shooting him a grimace. Emerson didn't respond this time. With the furrow of his brows, Bellamy looked away and found the woman had stopped pacing, and instead, leaned against the jail cell while studying Bellamy's face.

"Did you hear me?"

"What?"

"I said you're facing some serious time here for what you pulled last night."

"With all due respect, I wouldn't have done anything if that asshole hadn't touched my sister." Bellamy made sure to pronounce the name he directed towards Emerson, who rolled his eyes, but looked away as the woman raised a questioning brow towards him. "I wouldn't have hit anybody if he kept his hands off of her."

"Well, it sounds like you really care about her."

The tone of her voice wasn't genuine or honeyed, as most people were when they found out how much Bellamy cared for Octavia. Instead, a cat-like grin bloomed on her lips, and she gestured towards the lock on the cell, Bellamy instinctively putting his hands behind him so his wrists were together. The door opened, and then the woman and Emerson started down the hall wordlessly, Bellamy leaning forward just so his head peeked past the bars of his open cell. The woman and Emerson waited in front of a door, waving Bellamy over as he hurried and met them down the hall in front of an interrogation room. Emerson shoved Bellamy in first, earning a chiding look from the woman before she followed, and Emerson closed the door behind him. Bellamy sat down, splaying his hands out on the cold metal table in front of him. Bellamy pushed forward with his weight, testing to see if the table could move. When it didn't budge, he glanced down and found it was bolted to the ground. He couldn't help smiling at the thought that somebody else had flipped the table over while being interrogated.

"You two aren't going to murder me in here, are you?" Bellamy joked, the woman letting a snort slip past her lips as she shook her head. Emerson didn't have anything to say. "Before you try anything, I'd like to know your name." Bellamy said towards the woman, who cocked her head in response to his question before she nodded knowingly.

"My mistake, I thought I had introduced myself. My name is Dr. Lorelei Tsing." She reached her hand out for Bellamy, who didn't move to take it in his own initially. Their handshake was short, quick before Bellamy pulled his hand back to his side.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, I'm a psychiatrist."

"In our dinky little town?" Bellamy said incredulously. She shook her head.

"I'm actually from the town over. They brought me in a few nights ago to speak to another man, and I've stayed out of sheer fascination. But that's enough about myself, we have a few questions for-"

"Sheer fascination?" Bellamy laughed. "All right, sure, let's pretend that there's something so interesting in this town that you just _had_ to stay."

"Well, actually, there is." Tsing grinned that same sort of grin she had earlier, tucking her hair behind her ear. Bellamy watched as she leaned forward, sitting down but still intimidating. "You used to be part of the drug gang in this town, correct?"

"You're wrong."

"Oh, come off it, Blake." Emerson said, shutting up when Tsing lifted her hand.

"We're not here to talk about whether or not you were in it." Tsing objected. "If you want to stick by the notion that you weren't a part of it, that's fine. I don't really care."

"Then why are you asking?" Bellamy snapped.

"Well, seeing as assault and battery to not only one, but two police officers is a very severe crime, I suppose if we were to have something in exchange for it...." She trailed off suggestively. Bellamy eyed the camera in the corner of the room. "The camera is off."

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

"If you don't believe me, then I guess you'll just have to trust me."

"I don't even know you."

"Funny how trust works, isn't it?" She said. "Now look, Emerson and the other officer, Pike, have agreed to drop any charges brought up against you, false or warranted, in exchange for a couple of valuable pieces of information. Not much, only enough to really make a dent in the entire operation." Tsing hinted. "You may have heard this information in passing, maybe from another club member, from someone who won't implicate you in being involved in the club. We would be so inclined to keep your record as clean as we can." Tsing continued casually, as if she wasn't talking about falsifying a report and casually lying to everybody in order to receive information. Bellamy shook his head.

"I'm not a rat."

"Well, you wouldn't be a rat unless you're a part of the gang. Are you admitting to it?"

Bellamy bit his tongue, forcing himself to accept the defeat she had thrown upon him. Emerson stifled a laugh at Bellamy's response, but Bellamy chewed the inside of his cheek and then shot her another glare.

"All the charges?" He clarified. She nodded.

"Including the false charge of possession with intent to sell."

"And," Bellamy pointed an accusing finger at Emerson, "I want him and any other cops to stay the fuck away from my store, and my little sister." Bellamy turned his attention to Emerson. "Next time you touch her like that, I'll do a lot worse than knock out a tooth."

"Is that a threat?" Emerson pulled his baton out from his belt loop, but Bellamy didn't falter, standing up at the table and leaving himself exposed if Emerson actually wanted to try anything.

"Oh, sit down, boys." Tsing sighed in exasperation. "All right, Bellamy, they'll stop harassing you at the store as well."

"That's bullshit." Emerson said sharply. "Making a deal with a criminal? You'll be lucky if I don't trash that store of yours."

"Fuck you." Bellamy spat.

"I said sit down!" Tsing stood up, Bellamy flinching at her harsh words before Emerson scoffed and backed away to the wall again. Bellamy threw himself down on the chair, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back. "I will make sure they don't bother you at your store any more if you give us information."

"And I get no time?" Bellamy reiterated.

"I swear. You will walk out of here a free man."

Bellamy bit down on his bottom lip. This technically was still considered ratting on the club, even if he was planning on giving them vague and false information. He planned on peppering in a few things that were true, like shipping routes Murphy took that Bellamy didn't think were stable routes in the first place. At least then Murphy would be able to realize how he fucked up and fix the routes he needed to. But the thought of doing something like this, something so despicable practically made Bellamy sick at the stomach. He couldn't risk prison time, considering how serious his crimes were. Octavia still needed him. He let out a groan in anger and turned his eyes to Tsing.

"What do you want to know?"

* * *

"Jasper, can you sit down? You're making  _me_ nervous." Octavia said as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Jasper glanced at her sitting in her seat, eyes tired from being awake all night and waiting for some sort of information on her brother. The woman at the desk wasn't being any help, and despite Jasper saying they technically could barge in and look for Bellamy, Octavia didn't feel like arguing with some cops over why they were trying to bust in and rescue her older brother.

"Sorry." Jasper apologized meekly, taking a seat between her and Monty, who was asleep after having been there with them all night. Octavia mentioned Monty could go home, but it seemed he was here for Jasper more than he was for Bellamy, though he did mention that he was worried about Bellamy.

"The charges against him were pretty serious." Octavia mumbled between chewing her fingernails. "Maybe we'll have to go home. I'll get the money from our savings and bail him out."

"No, no!" Jasper objected. "I have money, my parents loaned me some."

"Jasper, he's my brother." Octavia said.

"But it's my fault he went to the party." Jasper responded lowly. Octavia rubbed his back in small circles. "It's my fault that happened. If I had just kept my mouth shut-"

"If you had kept your mouth shut, you would've felt terrible because he'd be an old codger alone."

"But now he's in jail." Jasper said.

"Well," Octavia furrowed her brows, "I'm sure it's not his first time. Just calm down. The lady said she'd let us know if she had any other information. We'll wait for a little while longer, and if he's not out, I'll take you guys home and get some money to bail him out."

"At least let me give you half, or-"

"Jasper." Octavia said seriously, her tone of voice quickly shutting Jasper up as he nodded and looked down at his hands. He had been picking at his fingernails all morning, chewing on them and cleaning under them to the point of where he dug too hard and he started bleeding under his fingernail. Now it was a dark red color, Jasper grimacing as he stuffed it away in his pocket and tried to focus on anything else.

All he could think about was how they pushed Bellamy into the ground without mercy, the sound of his body hitting the ground before Emerson stepped on him, and  _God_ , Jasper never understood how someone could ever want to murder another person until that moment. Bellamy hadn't done anything wrong, not a single thing. He didn't even buy the alcohol at the party, and yet, he was the one being arrested. Wick managed to make it out scot-free, but Jasper figured that was because of the money he had, he'd be out in a day and nothing would happen. So they just decided to pick on Bellamy because of his past? Because of everything that happened to him? Jasper felt his jaw tensing as he gritted his teeth and forced himself to look outside of the window.

Octavia spent the better half of their morning together reassuring Jasper her brother was fine, even though she didn't know what had happened either. The cops mentioned something about drugs and Bellamy, but he had never told her anything like that, and her certainly didn't  _do_ drugs while he was in the house. She had a tendency to forget that she had no idea what Bellamy did during those years he ran away from it all, from their mother and from her so he could do whatever it was that was so important. Sometimes she still held that against him. A sigh left her lips as she ran a hand through her long hair, riddled with tangles and knots before she fell back against the chair behind her. Monty was lolling in out and out of consciousness now, his head moving to the right and resting on his shoulder, and then scaring himself awake with a loud snore. Jasper wanted to laugh and make a joke about it, but he remembered that they were technically still fighting about the passing out thing, not that Jasper blamed him. Jasper probably wouldn't forgive himself either.

They turned to one another, Octavia searching for an answer in Jasper's eyes before she opened her mouth to start speaking.

"You... don't have to tell me what it is Bellamy used to do when he didn't live with us." Octavia said. "But I need to know if he's going to get in trouble for something bigger than assaulting an officer. They didn't _really_ arrest him just for hitting that guy, did they?"

"He's never told you?"

"I've heard _things_." Octavia spat out the last word like poison. "But he hasn't ever told me, and I don't want to believe the stuff I hear from people. Only Bellamy. He's my big brother."

"I-I dunno, Octavia, I don't think I should tell you if Bellamy hasn't told you." Jasper shook his head anxiously. "He didn't even want to tell  _me_ that kind of stuff."

"Is it that bad?" Jasper knitted his eyebrows together in frustration, and Octavia nodded between her shaky breaths. "That's why you're so nervous right now," Octavia continued, "because you know the stuff he did could come back and bite him on his ass."

Jasper waited for a lull in the conversation to clear his throat. Octavia looked at him, her eyes almost watery with tears, but Jasper forced himself to give her a smile.

"But a part of me thinks that if Bellamy really did do anything so terrible, why would it take them this long to arrest him?" Jasper said. Octavia's shoulders fell, muscles relaxing as she nodded. "You know what I mean? If they really did have anything on him, why would they wait until a party to waltz in and only arrest Bellamy out of the sea of drunken toddlers?"

Octavia laughed, rubbing his eyes with her palms and nodding in agreement.

"He's okay." Jasper reassured her. "I'm sure he is."

"You're a good friend," Octavia began suddenly, "for Bellamy. He's different around you." Octavia paused, eyes flickering between Jasper's confused expression and her twiddling fingers in front of her. "He's... happier."

"O-oh." Jasper said, his face reddening visibly as he lifted his fingers to his cheek and savored the warmth spreading through his fingertips. "I didn't notice."

"Even when you guys are sober, he talks to you. He doesn't even talk that much with me. I wish he did. I wish he'd tell me stuff that bothers him the same way he tells you."

"Maybe he's just trying to protect you." Jasper interjected. Octavia shrugged. "Also, to be fair, I annoy the shit out of your brother until he tells me stuff, so he doesn't really have a choice."

"I guess. But while he's trying to protect me, he's trusting you." She gave Jasper a smile. "Thanks for letting him do that. Thanks for being his friend."

"Jeez, you don't have to thank me for that." Jasper replied nervously. "I like being his friend, even if he is a little overbearing."

"And bossy."

"Sometimes he's an asshole."

"Sometimes is putting it mildly."

"And really bad at communicating his feelings."

"Does he even have feelings?" Octavia joked.

"Do you two have nothing nice to say about Bellamy?" Monty said, scaring the two of them as they turned to look at his sleepy expression. He yawned, rubbing one eye before he sat up and furrowed his brows. Octavia and Jasper looked to the right to find Emerson walking Bellamy out with his hands behind his back. A clicking noise filled the tense air, and then Emerson shoved Bellamy forward, Bellamy rubbing his wrists. Octavia pushed herself off of the chair, running into Bellamy's open arms as he lifted her from the ground and squeezed tightly. Buried in one another, Bellamy let his eyes flutter shut while he forced his tears to go away until he was alone. Octavia stood on her own again.

"I thought you were in trouble." She pushed his bangs away from his face. "Look at your face." She pulled back, tone low in her throat.

"What? Bruised? Cut up?"

"It's so... _ugly_." Octavia giggled, Bellamy punching her shoulder when he realized she was joking around with him. She brushed her thumb across the arch of his brow. "You do have a couple of cuts, though. One there, and one on your lip. And your cheek _is_ bruised."

"You okay, O?"

"Really tired." Octavia admitted. "We were waiting here all night." She gestured behind her at Monty and Jasper, both of which had stood up and stuffed their hands in their pockets when Bellamy came walking out. Monty nodded at him, and Jasper gave him a little wave before feeling stupid and mentally kicking himself. Bellamy's eyes lingered on Jasper longer than they should have, Jasper's heart leaping in his chest as their eyes met, and they both looked away at the same time. Jasper's was out of embarrassment, Bellamy's out of shame. Their minds went to the same place. Bellamy wanted to talk to him. God, he wanted to be next to him. He wanted Jasper on his back, lazily rubbing circles into Bellamy's skin while their breathing slowed and stayed the same.

"We should go." Bellamy said once he managed to calm his overactive imagination and remembered where they were. "Back home. I have something to do."

"The only thing you should be doing is going home and sleeping." Octavia said suspiciously.

"Just one thing, O. I have to."

Octavia nearly got mad at her brother, but decided against it. Considering she had gotten her brother back, she didn't want to fight with him already. At least a day where they didn't fight would have been nice. Octavia nodded.

"O-okay, c'mon." Octavia said, walking alongside her brother with her arms crossed over her chest. Bellamy followed suit, Monty and Jasper trailing behind them as they headed outside into the cool morning air. Hardly any cars drove through the streets on that particularly dreary morning, overcast dark clouds covering the sky. It smelled like rain, but it wasn't raining quite yet. Monty pulled on Jasper's sleeve, nodding towards his own car. Jasper looked at Bellamy and Octavia, both of them retreating to their car.

"One second." Jasper said, running over to the driver's side of the car just as Bellamy reached it. Their eyes met again, Bellamy's pupils flickering between Jasper's eyes and somewhere below them, probably the busted lip Jasper had. Jasper pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, biting down on it before he pointed in the backseat of the car. "I-I bought you antifreeze for the car." He began, clenching his eyes shut and willing himself to calm down long enough to say something that mattered. Bellamy nodded slowly.

"Thanks."

"I'm glad you're okay." Jasper blurted out. Bellamy looked away from him, reaching for the door on the driver's side and swinging it open. "I'm going to stop by later, okay?"

"Jasper-" Bellamy began, his tone intimidating and strong before he faltered and furrowed his brows. Why couldn't he say it? Why were all of Bellamy's thoughts erased the second he saw Jasper standing in front of him? God, he hated it, and he loved it at the same time. It took all of his power to not lean in and catch Jasper's lips between his own considering how close they were, despite the cuts and bruises on their lips. Bellamy's fingers twitched at his side, imagining how it felt to run his thumb over the cut on Jasper's lip when he shook his head. "Never mind."

"Are you okay, Bell?" Jasper leaned in closer. Bellamy caught the slightest scent of Jasper's clothes, and he rushed into the car, slamming the door shut before Jasper could get any closer, before he could tempt him any more than he already had. Jasper was left leaning against the car, pulling away resentfully and heading to Monty's side. Monty cocked his head, eyes meeting Jasper's own.

"You're such a sucker." Monty said. Jasper let a small smile tug on the corners of his lips.

"Yeah, I am."

"How long?"

"Not long." Jasper shook his head. Monty was referring to liking Bellamy without even having to say it out loud. "Couple of days."

"C'mon." Monty tugged on Jasper's arm as they ambled along the sidewalk to the car. "We'll go home and watch TV."

"I want to stop by Bellamy's." Jasper said. "Is that lame?"

"Yes, it's super lame." Monty messed with Jasper's hair. "But I can drop you off there. Octavia will be there, right?"

"I think so." Jasper shrugged. "If she's not, I'll wait outside the store until Bellamy gets back."

"Wow." Monty laughed. "You're such a loser."

"Shut up." Jasper punched Monty's shoulder. "Hey, are we... are we okay?"

Monty pursed his lips, bobbing his head from side to side before he nodded easily. "Well, sort of. I'm still a little pissed off. But I know you're dealing with stuff. I know it's hard. I'm here for you." Monty pinched Jasper's cheek mockingly. "Looks like you want Bellamy here for you though."

"Shut up!" Jasper laughed again.

"But I'm your best friend. Please tell me next time something's bothering you... or if you want time alone, then that's okay, but I need to know you're safe." Monty said tenderly. "Seriously, I know it's rough, but if anything ever happened to you, I'd... I'd be so scared without you."

"Hey." Jasper held Monty's hand reassuringly, their fingers lacing together. "I wouldn't do that to you."

They slipped into the car wordlessly, Monty mentioning he was beyond tired from being at the precinct for so long, but Jasper was distracted, his mind running in a thousand different directions. First and foremost, he wanted to address his ever growing attraction to Bellamy Blake, bookstore owner and friend. Seeing Bellamy cut up that way made his chest hurt in a way that told Jasper it wasn't only physical attention he longed for in Bellamy. But he pushed that aside when he remembered how Bellamy seemed to be avoiding his gaze. Had he done something? Jasper remembered everything from the party. He hadn't touched Bellamy or told him something he regretted, so it wasn't that. As far as Jasper was concerned, everything was going fine until the police busted in. After that, Bellamy acted... strange.

With a sigh, he pushed it out of mind and relaxed in his seat. All that mattered was the fact that Bellamy was out of that place, and he was safe.

 _Shit_ , Jasper thought shamefully,  _I'm in really deep._

* * *

Bellamy pulled up to the familiar building only minutes after dropping off Octavia and ensuring he wasn't being followed by any unwanted cops. Sure, they said he was free to go, record still clear of any charges, but Bellamy didn't trust Emerson enough, and that strange woman even less. Bellamy only played nice while he was in front of her, but he didn't trust her condescending tone and disingenuous smiles she gave him while saying he had her word, as if it mattered for anything. At the door, Bellamy was met with the eyes of the guard at the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Bellamy." He snapped. "Tell Murphy I'm here to see him."

The eyes narrowed, then disappeared behind a metal slat. After another moment of hesitation, the door swung open, Bellamy met by the gaze of John Mbege, his old friend and one of the original members of the gang. He hardly said a word, pointing down the hall leading to where Murphy's room was. Bellamy shoved his way past groups of people talking loudly, shouting over loud booming music that seemed to be playing only for background noise. A few scrutinous gazes were thrown his way, and after making his way down the hall, Bellamy heard people calling his name. He couldn't stop, though, shoving the door at the end of the hall open and finding Murphy on the couch with a girl. She screamed and pulled a blanket over her chest, Bellamy turning only for a second to let her get dressed. Murphy cursed and fell back on the couch, the girl running past Bellamy and slamming the door shut.

"We need to talk."

"Happy to see you too. No, you didn't interrupt anything at all. In fact, I was doing absolutely nothing until you walked in." Murphy sighed sarcastically from his side of the couch, pulling the blanket over his lower half when Bellamy scoffed.

"It's not anything I haven't seen before."

"What's so important that you've lowered yourself enough to come here?" Murphy said, throwing Bellamy a sideways glance as he pulled a cigarette out from a pocket in his shirt. After a moment of wetting the tip, he lit the other end and took a long, deep puff of nicotine and chemicals into his lungs. Bellamy paced the room. "Bell, seriously, sit down."

"You've gotta stop the shipment on the way to Arizona."

"Why?"

"The cops know about it. They're going to be crawling the highway searching for it. You've gotta call that one off, and the one heading north."

"And you know this how?" Murphy's tone was nonchalant, unconcerned about whatever it was Bellamy was going on about and instead focusing on blowing smoke out through his nostrils. "Damn, Bell, you really picked an awful time to come in. I was about to come."

"Yeah, yeah, deal with your blue balls after I leave."

"Asshole. Why should I listen to you about the shipments? You don't know anything that goes on here anymore. As far as you're concerned, this club doesn't even exist."

"Cops arrested me last night." Bellamy said.

"For what?" Murphy grabbed for his boxers hanging off of the couch, slipping them on easily before approaching Bellamy. From far away, Bellamy looked fine, but up close, his eyebrow was cut and bruised, and his lip more so. "They did this to you? Fuckin' pricks."

"Shut up." Bellamy pushed Murphy's hand away. "It wasn't anything I couldn't handle. They tried to get information from me."

"Did you give it to them?"

"No, it was fake, but it won't be long until they figure it out and try going for other routes, routes that they  _know_ you use." Bellamy said. "I told them you had shipments going out overseas, but they said they couldn't do anything about it and spent more time focusing on routes they already knew existed."

"Bell, you don't have to worry about it, then. They're not going to find anything if they're looking in the wrong places." Murphy shrugged easily, blowing a cloud of smoke into Bellamy's face. "Thanks for lying to them."

"And if they do? If they go someplace they've caught your movers before?"

"Then we lose a little money." Murphy continued calmly. "Is that all you came here for? To tell me shit I already knew?"

"I was worried." Bellamy snapped.

"What'd they arrest you for last night?"

Bellamy gritted his teeth, looking anywhere but at Murphy. "At first, they said it was a noise complaint. I was at a party, and all these kids were drunk, high off their asses, too. They tried to pin the drugs on me, but I didn't even care about that part. Th-they grabbed Octavia, fucking threw her on the ground. I lost it." Bellamy ran his hands through his hair. "I hit two of them. I don't even remember hitting them or anything, I was so pissed off.... They got me on assault and battery instead."

"And then what? They asked you for information?"

"This woman was there. She said if I gave them information, they'd drop the charges. I made up some shit, and they let me go."

"So if they find out it was fake, they're going to come back for you?"

"I don't know!" Bellamy exclaimed. "I don't know the answers, I didn't stay behind to ask. If they do, I'm fucked. I can't leave Octavia alone, and I can't afford a lawyer to keep me out of prison. They'll make up some bullshit charges to keep me in there as long as they can." A bubbling anxious feeling built up in the pit of Bellamy's stomach, his heart racing as his eyes darted from one side of the room to the other. "I can't leave her alone, I can't let them hurt her-"

"Bell." Murphy said, catching his attention long enough to lean in and kiss him. Bellamy tensed, shoulders rising as soon as their lips touched. This wasn't right. He'd kicked Murphy out of his apartment last time they had seen each other, and Bellamy had realized his feelings for Jasper, but... it wasn't like Bellamy could act on those feelings. Instead, Bellamy relaxed and worked his lips against Murphy's own, lifting his hands to his shoulders and holding onto him as tightly as he possibly could. Murphy pulled Bellamy to the couch, lying Bellamy down before straddling his hips. Bellamy grimaced and looked away. "What's wrong?"

"It smells like her." Bellamy said. Murphy pulled his shirt off of the floor, throwing it in Bellamy's face before Bellamy stuffed it behind him.

"Better?" Murphy raised a brow. Bellamy nodded. "You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you, right?"

"Stop saying stuff like that." Bellamy tried to spit his words out, but they were caught in his chest now that he could feel how hard Murphy was as he rocked his hips forward.

"You owe me." Murphy shot back.

"Did you even know her name?" Bellamy said. Murphy flushed darkly. "Thought so."

"Shut up."

"Are you even listening to me, Murphy? You need to stop the shipments. Lay low for a while. Stop worrying about your dick for two seconds and think about what's happening right now!"

"You did us a favor by lying to them." Murphy said, pinching Bellamy's cheeks with his hands and shaking his head. "If you didn't tell them some lies, they'd be looking for it where it is going. And even if they do figure out the information was fake, I'd have a lawyer for you in a second. And I do know what's happening right now. They're trying to find this place, they're trying to find Lexa and I, but it's not going to happen." Murphy pressed a kiss to the corner of Bellamy's lips. "I am smarter than what you give me credit for."

"I don't want your help." Bellamy mumbled, stuck on the first part of Murphy's rant.

"Doesn't really matter if you want it or not, you're getting it." Murphy said. "Been a while, hm?"

"Murphy, I dunno if I want to." Bellamy sat up, Murphy grabbing onto his shirt and kissing him as soon as their faces were level. Bellamy felt his lips part easily as soon as Murphy dragged his tongue along his bottom lip.

"Do you really not want to?" Murphy whispered against Bellamy's lips. "I'll stop."

But all of Bellamy's objections melted away in his mind while his blood rushed down to his hardening cock. It was unbelievable how quickly Murphy had that sort of effect on him, or maybe it really had been such a long time, his body was just desperate for attention. Bellamy shook his head.

"You want me to stop?"

"No." Bellamy growled, pushing Murphy forward onto his back and pinning his hands above his head. "Don't stop." Murphy moaned as soon as Bellamy attached his lips to Murphy's throat, biting down and sucking a mark into his skin. Bellamy bit down on different spots, each one darker than the last before Murphy worked up the energy to shove Bellamy back into the couch and straddle his hips again. That was a familiar position they had been in many times. Murphy said it was because he enjoyed being on top of Bellamy, but there was a part of Bellamy that thought it was probably because during split seconds, moments where they pulled away for breaths after kissing or panting while their hips still worked together, Murphy could look into Bellamy's eyes.

"I'll take care of you." Murphy said between quiet noises from the back of his throat. Bellamy nodded, kissing him hard and willing him to stop speaking long enough for the both of them to get off, so he did. Their natural movements eventually turned into the same pace it always was, Murphy moaning out Bellamy's name and pulling his hair while Bellamy stifled himself by biting down on Murphy's milky white skin. And it was always like that, and Bellamy felt sick to his stomach at the thought of it being like that for the rest of his life, because the first thing in his mind at that moment, with Murphy on his hips and rocking against him, was to find ways from keeping himself saying Jasper's name instead of Murphy's.

* * *

Bellamy regretted a lot of things during quiet moments.

He regretted ever starting that stupid club, and he regretted ever being close with John Murphy of all people. Besides the fact that Murphy was six years younger than him, they were always somehow enveloped in the other in a way that wasn't healthy.

Bellamy regretted going home and not staying in the gang. At least that way he could have stayed in the club and sent his mother money. His mother would still be alive. Octavia's life wouldn't have been ruined by Bellamy. Bellamy could have spent the rest of his life fucking, drinking, and smoking until the day he died.

Bellamy regretted talking to Jasper that fateful day they exchanged conversations over a Truman Capote book. He regretted letting him sit in the corner of the store and read while Bellamy did inventory and hesitantly admitted to enjoying the background noise of Jasper's breathing and his loud music.

Bellamy regretted slowly growing fonder of Jasper until they were friends, and after that, until Bellamy realized he had feelings, romantic feelings, some kind of stupid gushy feelings that he didn't want to have for Jasper, because the only thing Bellamy was good at was destroying things. He was a monster, and Jasper didn't need somebody like that in his life.

And yet, there was Jasper Jordan, sitting on Bellamy's couch, reading texts on his phone when he realized Bellamy was standing in the doorway. As if expecting something, Jasper rose off the couch and tucked his phone away in his pocket. He couldn't help the small smile that crept its way onto his lips, eyes darting for the ground in embarrassment. How pathetic was it, he thought, that he couldn't even look at Bellamy for too long now? Just a few days ago if somebody had said, "Hey, Jasper, you're gonna have a big, gay crush on Bellamy," he would have laughed in their face. Feelings for Bellamy Blake? A crush? Yeah, right! Now, his heart sped up at the sight of him. How was he supposed to stay Bellamy's friend if he couldn't even _look_ at him?

"Jas, what are you doing here?" Bellamy said.

"O-Octavia let me in. I just wanted to see you." Bellamy hoped the warming of his face didn't mean he was blushing.

"You saw me at the police station." Bellamy said, walking into his kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. "Isn't that enough?"

"Uhm... yeah, I guess. I wanted to make sure you're okay." Jasper continued. "You were really quiet at the station after they let you out."

"Yeah." Bellamy said. Jasper furrowed his brows, managing to muster up enough courage to look up at Bellamy with a confused expression on his face. Bellamy was being far less welcoming than other times, his voice sharp and his glare sharper.

"Did I do something?" Jasper said. Bellamy hesitated in answering. "You're acting weird. If I did something wrong, you should tell me. I won't be offended."

"No.... No, you didn't do anything."

"Should I go?" Jasper said. Bellamy's eyes fluttered from the counter in front of him to Jasper's tall form, eyes tracing along his face, to his slouched shoulders and poor posture before he let them linger at Jasper's lips for a second longer than he intended to. Bellamy shook his head. "Okay."

"Jasper, I have to tell you something." Bellamy interrupted the tense atmosphere with his stuttered words. "Something serious."

"Okay." Jasper nodded easily. "Whatever it is, I'm listening."

"You...." Bellamy searched for the words, begging his brain to work properly for once in front of Jasper, but it all seemed to slip and escape him like it always did whenever they were together. Jasper waited, fingers tightening on the strap of his backpack and fiddling with a few loose strings that had managed to come off after years of wear and tear. A ball built up in Jasper's throat, an anxious feeling bubbling in his stomach before he stepped towards the kitchen counter. Bellamy withdrew, taking a step back. Jasper stopped in his tracks.  _Ah,_ he thought,  _Bellamy would only react that way if he found something out. If he found out about what I'm feeling, that's it. Damn it._

"You look constipated." Jasper blurted out, Bellamy's eyebrows raising before a laugh managed to burst past his lips. Jasper's heart skipped a beat at the sight of his smile, but it was short lived, his laugh dying down sadly. "Bell, what is it?"

"Don't hate me when I tell you." Bellamy said.

"God, what is it?" Jasper said in exasperation. "Tell me. Please."

"I don't want you coming around the store."

Jasper hesitated, not able to say anything in response to , his words falling short in his throat as he searched for some joking aspect in Bellamy's expression.

"You're... you're kidding, right?" Jasper said. Bellamy didn't answer him. Oh god, Jasper wanted him to be kidding, he wanted that to be a joke.

"I don't think you should hang around me anymore either." Bellamy continued. "I'm sorry."

"Bell, this is a joke. You're not serious, are you?"

"Does it sound like I'm joking?" Bellamy said. Jasper swallowed and drew away from Bellamy at the sound of his harsh voice. "We can't do this anymore. This-- whatever _this_ is, it has to stop."

"What?" Jasper said. "What are you talking about?"

"This." Bellamy said vaguely. "Everything."

"Are you saying you don't want to be my friend anymore?" Jasper said with a scoff. "If that's what you're saying, just say it. Say it right now."

"Jasper, it's not that I don't  _want_ to be your friend-"

"Then what is it? What happened? Am I--" Jasper cut himself short and searched for his words, eyes darting from left to right. They settled on Bellamy again. "Is it me?"

Bellamy fought the voice in his head telling himself to tell Jasper everything, to give in completely and hand himself over and hope Jasper took him with open arms, but he knew that would never happen. Jasper had his own issues to deal with, he didn't have the time to focus on babying Bellamy. He swallowed his words and shook his head.

"I can't have you in my life anymore."

"I don't get it." Jasper said, stuffing his hands in his pocket. "Is that your only reason? You want me out?"

"If it gets you out faster, then yes, that's my only reason."

"What did I do?!" Jasper enunciated each letter of his sentence, trying desperately to understand how things had changed so drastically in only a few hours. "Do you hate me for making you go to the party? I'm sorry, Bellamy. Is that what you want me to say? I'm fucking sorry. I-I didn't know the cops were gonna show up. I never would've asked you to go!"

"I don't want to hear you say anything." Bellamy nodded in the direction of the door. "I want you to leave."

"W-why?" Jasper faltered. His heart felt like Bellamy had taken it and stomped on it with each word he said.

"I'm...." Bellamy grimaced and forced himself to spit out lies. Jasper had to leave. This was painful enough, he didn't need Jasper to make it worse. Bellamy's resolve from that morning still held true; he had to get Jasper out of his life. He had to protect Jasper from what he thought to be a fucked up existence. Jasper was dangerously close to Bellamy every time they ended up together, and that was where the feelings had sprouted from in Bellamy, and he had to stop them in their tracks before they had a chance to blossom into relationship emotions. "I'm tired of having to take care of you." Lies. "I'm fucking sick of feeling like a babysitter for a stupid little kids." More lies. "You're not my friend. You're just someone I keep around when I'm bored."

_Fuck, that hurt._

"Are you just saying stuff to get me out of here?" Jasper asked. Bellamy faltered.

"Get out." Bellamy said.

"You know what?" Jasper mused. "Fine. Fine. It's such a chore to be your friend. I don't even fucking care anymore."

"Don't act like that." Bellamy snapped.

"Like what? I'm not allowed to be upset?"

"Like a little kid."

"You think this is me being a kid?" Jasper let out a laugh in disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me? No, you want me to be a kid? Here." Jasper pulled his bag over his shoulder and grabbed a book from the bottom of it, slamming it down on the counter and watching as Bellamy's lazy gaze moved from his face to the book. "Take it back. I don't want it."

"Why not?"

"I don't want it. Keep it." Bellamy's eyes softened, and Jasper, for a second only, felt guilty for treating him so awfully. "It wasn't even that good anyway."

"I'm doing this for you." Bellamy mumbled. "I'm doing this to protect you."

"You don't need to protect me." Jasper reminded. "But sure, blame it on that. I don't care." Jasper said. "Bye, Bellamy."

Jasper approached the door, hand reaching for the knob and turning it. Right as he went to take the first step, he heard Bellamy's shaky voice from behind him. He hesitated, stopping for a second as he heard Bellamy's footsteps follow him. If Bellamy expected to just apologize and make everything okay, he was sorely mistaken. His words hurt, not to mention Jasper was harboring feelings for him.

"Wait." Bellamy repeated softly.

"For what?" Jasper managed to keep his tone level.

"I don't know." Bellamy admitted. "I thought--" Bellamy cut himself short, shaking his head and stepped away again. "I asked you not to hate me."

Jasper turned his gaze down to the ground, steeling himself against Bellamy's soft words. After everything, after all that, he was going to act like he still cared?

"I don't." Jasper said.

Jasper didn't say goodbye again, and instead slammed the door harshly behind him. Bellamy took a few bumbling steps across his living room, falling down on the couch with a loud sigh. The sound of Octavia's door opened made Bellamy glance towards the hall. Her expression was serious, intimidating as she glowered at him.

"What was that all about?" She gestured towards the door.

"Dunno." Bellamy lied.

"I heard you. Why did you do that to him?" She asked. "He's your friend. What the fuck was that?"

"Listen to me, O, you don't understand. You never really will."

"Oh, give it a rest. If this is about your stupid past, I don't give a shit anymore. You can't hide it from me and then act like I don't understand because I'm ignorant. The people you  _do_ let inside, like Jasper, you treat them like they're garbage."

"My stupid past?" Bellamy echoed with a laugh.

"I'm serious, Bell. You can't treat people like shit just because you've got some baggage! We all have baggage. Do you think you're special or something?" Octavia chewed on the inside of her cheek. "Only assholes act like that. Are you an asshole?"

"Apparently so." Bellamy shrugged. Octavia rolled her eyes and sneered, holding back the string of insults she could let loose on her brother. Instead, she gathered her thoughts, took a long and bated breath, and then scoffed pathetically at her brother.

"Jasper liked you." She said before starting back to her room. She hadn't planned on leaving the house, but knowing how ridiculous her brother was being, she didn't want to spend another second with him. Bellamy acted as if he was the only person ever who had a rough life, but everybody else coped better with it. Jasper had just lost Maya, for chrissakes, but Bellamy's angsty little issues were more important than that? In his dreams. Octavia returned in clothes and her purse slung over her shoulder. Bellamy shot her a curious look, but she didn't bother to answer, not even when he called after her while she slammed the door behind her. Second time it was slammed for the day. He was sure he'd hear more of it before the day was done.

* * *

Days moved slower. Bellamy noticed he had nothing to look forward to while he worked. Sometimes shipments of books would come in, sometimes they wouldn't. Most of the time it was the same humdrum business with people from around town. The pace of the store had slowed down enough to where Bellamy could restock the books that had seemingly disappeared after just a few hours of business. Bellamy let his eyes wander over to the window, the trees outside blowing with harsh winds. It was early afternoon. Octavia would be coming home soon, but only so she could disappear upstairs and do her homework.

It had been two months since Bellamy told Jasper not to come around anymore. His looming absence seemed to be growing each and every day Bellamy worked, but he couldn't do anything about it now. He made it clear to himself that he was doing this  _for_ Jasper, for his well being and his protection. He couldn't very well go back on it now and pretend that he hadn't completely alienated himself from Jasper. He didn't mind it so much sometimes, considering the store was quieter. Monty ceased his visits to the store as well, most likely holding a grudge against Bellamy for being so harsh to Jasper. Bellamy reminded himself he was doing this for Jasper, to protect him, but there was always that voice in the back of his mind that laughed when he said it and planted the idea that Bellamy was only doing it to protect himself, to nip the blooming feelings for the lanky kid in the figurative nub by removing him from his life. That was obviously the most logical, and the kindest way to do it. Completely kicking Jasper out.  _Obviously._

Octavia never asked Bellamy why he did that to Jasper after that morning. He wasn't sure if it was because she lost interest or if she knew he wouldn't answer her. Either way, he didn't have to explain himself to anybody. Well, anybody, except Murphy. He noticed a shift in Bellamy's attitude once it happened, how aggressive he was afterwards, and commented that maybe Bellamy should find a way to express it outside of their relationship. Bellamy  _was_ being a little harsh now that Jasper was gone. Sex was a little rougher, but he still took care of Murphy the way they both needed to.

So not only had he managed to destroy his relationship with Jasper, whatever it was that he felt for him that kept Bellamy wanting more from him, but he had also managed to display it through how he interacted with other people. Octavia hardly spoke to him, only in passing when they walked into the kitchen to grab coffee or before the work or school day. Bellamy tried persuading her to talk to him by mentioning that he decided she could study abroad, but all she did was thank him and then disappear to her room. He still meant it. He was willing to send her off halfway across the world if it meant she would forgive him.

Despite the fact that he was about to lose his sister to the wretches of public education and its persuasive nature for sending kids across the goddamn globe, he didn't feel panicked like he should have. Octavia leaving meant he'd have to pick up all the shifts, until he remembered that hiring people was a thing that normal business owners did. Of course, trusting somebody enough to work in the store was a whole different process he'd have to deal with later. For a moment, he thought if Jasper still came around, he'd ask him to stay.

 _No_. Bellamy shook his head. Jasper was gone for a reason. He was gone for his own safety. Bellamy had to remind himself of that.

Stupid reason, though.

Parts of Bellamy wished that he was truly able to leave behind his past, but he couldn't deny the fact that it was also his fault it kept up with him. How did he expect to move on properly if he revisited it at every chance when he needed Murphy, when he needed to satisfy his lust or maybe something more. He couldn't tell anymore. He felt things for Murphy, things that he shouldn't have felt from day one. Murphy offered Bellamy his entire life in exchange for their relationship, for Bellamy, and Bellamy took advantage of it while he saw other people, fucked other people and ignored Murphy for those he didn't even care enough about to remember their names.

Well, all of them but Raven.

Their relationship together was out of pure desperation on Raven's part, claiming she only needed him to get over Finn, since their relationship together had been long and tedious, she said. Bellamy didn't care, or rather, he acted like he didn't care, but the reality of it was that every time he had a chance to be with Raven, he was happy. That ended not long afterwards once they both left the gang. Bellamy took the brute of the club's anger when they did leave, but he remembered threatening to hurt a few people when they said Bellamy was only leaving because Raven seduced him into leaving.

The past was for the past, Bellamy thought before returning his attention to the stacks of books beside him.

 

_Did he love Murphy?_

Bellamy cursed and dropped his attention from the books again.

Murphy was the only person who really talked to Bellamy even after everything, after threatening to execute him for a crime he didn't do, and abandoning him in a gang Bellamy started.

There was a difference between love and desperation. Even Bellamy could distinguish the two, but it seemed that with Murphy the lines blurred, and maybe it was more desperation than it was love, but either way there was  _something_ there.

Was what he felt for Jasper desperation? There wasn't a need to dominate over Jasper's personality when they were together, and even if he wanted to, Jasper was so loud and annoying that he would never be muted so easily.

That was the difference between what Bellamy felt for Jasper and what he felt for Murphy. Jasper never subdued himself for another person. He didn't deny what he wanted to say or who he was to be with him. It was... natural.

Even the difference between how Bellamy acted with Raven was striking. He wanted her forgiveness, something motherly and caring, but not the relationship they had before. He didn't want love from her, he didn't want carnal lust or any of that.

Bellamy wanted Jasper.

Bellamy swallowed thickly and grabbed the box of books off of the floor. That was all the restocking he could do for today.


	11. Rebel King

_ Of course I was hurt the whole time. I just didn't say anything. I let his words worm their way through my veins into my ribs until all I could breathe was his name carried with an apology and a longing to return to him. _

Jasper threw the book in his hands down after reading only the first sentence. His eyes hurt, a dull ache settling in his head when he tried to focus himself long enough to read, even though he hadn't found a good book since the last time Bellamy had recommended one. Jasper hadn't finished it yet, having thrown it back at Bellamy for kicking him out so suddenly. Secretly, Jasper visited the store on the weekends when Octavia worked, opting to laze around there when she guaranteed that her brother wasn't there to catch him. She originally despised the idea of letting Jasper sit around the store and read for free, but after her brother so harshly told him to stay away from their store, she welcomed him with open arms. When Jasper asked why, she said it was because she had taken a liking to him, but Jasper had an inkling that she kept him around to defy her brother.

It wasn't nearly the same atmosphere as being there with Bellamy, though. The usual playful conversations were gone, Octavia talking about school and studying somewhere (Jasper couldn't remember), and she hardly ever mentioned her brother unless she was talking about an argument they had. Jasper never really caught too much of what she was saying, only bits and pieces before it seemed like it was already time for Jasper to head home so Bellamy didn't catch him.

"I don't get it." Octavia said once. "Why he told you to stop coming around here. He seemed to really like you."

Jasper snorted at the thought of it. Maybe Bellamy did like him, but not in the way that Jasper wanted Bellamy to like him. He longed for Bellamy to like him the same way he liked Clarke, Raven, and Murphy-- that heart skipping kind of love where Bellamy had to make sure he was still breathing right whenever he saw them. That was how Bellamy acted in front of all of them, except Jasper. In front of Jasper he was so sharp tongued and quick with his words, open and vulnerable for a moment before he realized what he was doing, and shut down again. Jasper hated it. He wanted Bellamy. He wanted Bellamy to like him, to look at him longingly before kissing him, and ugh, there it was again. Jasper wet his lips with his tongue, dry from being dehydrated and guzzling down only jar after jar of hooch.

He did want all of those things from Bellamy, but thinking about them, making them real and tangible and honest, pure feelings made it seem like Jasper forgave Bellamy for treating him the way he did. He didn't. Kind of. A part of him wanted to. Jasper felt his eyes crossing, the room spinning and making him dizzy. How much hooch had he drank? Two jars? Four? He couldn't remember. Sometimes he wondered why Monty kept making it when Jasper kept drinking it down night after night, even though he knew Monty kept making it to keep Jasper in the house. If Jasper went out and tried to get drunk somewhere else, Monty wouldn't have been able to keep an eye on him the way he was able to when Jasper was in the apartment.

Jasper forced himself out of his bed, balancing himself on his feet before heading out to the hall. The apartment was spinning with the rest of the world, Jasper keeping himself upright long enough to reach the refrigerator and hang off of the door once he swung it open. Jars of hooch sat in the back of the fridge, along with boxes of takeout. Monty hadn't been able to cook in a long time because of homework, and Jasper wasn't exactly feeling up for making food, so they ended up eating from styrofoam boxes and frozen dinner trays most nights. Sometimes Jasper went days without eating. Monty didn't say anything about it.

After a few long and grueling minutes of deciding whether or not he should eat, Jasper closed the fridge door, turning on his heel to find Monty standing at the entrance of the kitchen. His expression was serious, stern, lips twitching down to a frown as soon as he saw Jasper's drunken eyes struggle to focus on him.

"It's not even noon yet." Monty said. Jasper shrugged.

"Getting started early."

"We have class at 3. Are you coming?"

"Mm, no." Jasper said, trying to brush past Monty, but his friend grabbed his shoulders and held him in place. Too weak, or too tired-- Jasper couldn't tell which--, he stayed in his spot and lazily blinked at Monty.

"Jasper, you're starting to act stupid. It's been months. You're not coping."

"You're not coping." Jasper poked Monty's nose, but Monty slapped his hand away. Jasper furrowed his brows and rubbed the top of his hand.

"I'm serious. You know, your mom called me the other day. She was worried because you weren't answering your phone." Monty sighed in exasperation. "I told her you were just fine, but it was shitty that you forced me to lie to her like that."

"Well, you could've told her." Jasper shrugged again. "Doesn't really matter anyway."

"That's not the point that I was trying to make. I shouldn't have to tell your mom anything. She's your mom."

"Well, I'd do it for you and your mom." Jasper paused and cocked a brow. "If she were still alive. Details."

"You're an asshole." Monty said, walking away from Jasper and grabbing his jacket off of the hook near the front door. After slipping it on, he grabbed his shoes and started pulling those on as well. "Go ahead, drink your life away. I don't care. I'm trying to help, Jasper, I'm really trying, but I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped." Monty finally tugged on his shoes and stood up, throwing his arms down at his sides. "How would you have liked it if every time you tried to help me, I just went right back doing to what I was doing? If you took all of my razors and I just went back to cutting? If you forced me to stay at your house so I wouldn't try to kill myself, and I still tried to?"

"Well, that'd be normal." Jasper replied nonchalantly. "It kinda happens when people get sad, y'know."

"I can't believe you." Monty shook his head. "I'm tired of trying and being the only one that cares if you live a normal life. If this is what you want to do forever, if this is how you want to remember Maya, then you go ahead. I don't want to be a part of it."

"If you're tired of it," Jasper began smugly, "why do you keep making hooch?"

Monty fell silent, words stuck in his throat before he grabbed the doorknob and opened it.

"Fuck you, Jasper." He snapped before slamming the door behind him, and Jasper couldn't help the snort of laughter that slipped through his lips, satisfied that he had shown Monty what a hypocrite he was being. If Monty was going to compare this to when he struggled with self harm, Jasper could compare it to telling Monty not to self harm anymore, but leaving fresh razors on the dresser just in case. He never did that because the whole point of telling someone to stop was to get them to stop. Duh. If Monty was going to keep making hooch, Jasper was going to keep drinking it. Easy as that.

He'd never admit the nights he tried to go without some form of alcohol or medicine, he lied awake and wondered if it was worth staying alive any more. What did he have left? What was worth looking forward to when he woke up in the morning? Maya was his life, his first true love, he was lost without her. Jasper shook his head and retreated to his bedroom once more. Maybe he would try to give up the hooch that night. He sobered up pretty quick. If Monty came home to find Jasper sober, maybe he'd get off his back about it for a while. After all, Jasper knew he could kick hooch any time he wanted to. Anytime.

With a loud groan, he fell face first into his mattress, taking a steady, bated breath and counting each second before heaving out. Yeah. He could quit drinking whenever he wanted to. He was stronger than that. He'd show Monty. He'd show Monty he didn't need alcohol, and he'd show Bellamy he didn't need him either.

_ Goddamn it, brain, stop thinking of Bellamy. _

* * *

 

It was that morning.

Bellamy stayed in his warm spot on the couch, blankets pulled up to his mouth and covering his nose so he didn’t have to come to terms with the fact that it was the day to send Octavia off across the world to her boyfriend, to a completely different college campus.

A part of Bellamy was relieved, happy that should would be far away enough from him so he wouldn’t involve her in his stupid problems, but the rest of him, the brotherly protective part of him was obviously panicking.

Thus, Bellamy wasn’t “out of bed” yet.

Octavia, on the other hand, couldn’t leave the apartment any sooner. Her bags packed and waiting at the door, she commented that Bellamy should get up and have coffee before they left. Bellamy rolled his eyes at her comment. He didn’t even want to be awake at four in the morning, never mind staying awake for the rest of the day and having to drive her to the airport. Her flight left at seven, but it took almost two hours to get to the airport, and so they would have to leave in a few minutes. Octavia paced the room, her phone buzzing in her pocket when Bellamy finally pushed himself off of the couch and sat up. Scrubbing his faces with his hands, Bellamy stood up, walking to the coat rack in the corner of the room and slipping on his jacket after a moment of hesitation. He technically still could change his mind about everything, keep Octavia home where he would be able to take care of her. Paying the fees didn’t matter, money didn’t matter. He had to take care of his sister any way possible.

But he knew this was for the better. Just like telling Jasper to stay away, this would keep Octavia from any trouble that may come in the following months. Bellamy wouldn’t have to work so hard to hide everything from her, hide Murphy and the cops from her. He had hired a couple of people to work around the store while she was gone, or longer if they happened to work out, but Bellamy wasn’t worried about them. Most people minded their business.

Octavia slipped on her shoes, rushing from her room to her suitcases and mumbling unintelligible things to herself while doing so. With a sigh, she ran her hands through her hair, Bellamy clearing his throat to catch her attention.

“If you forget anything, I can always ship it there.”

Octavia nodded wordlessly, though she still took the chance to run back in her room and return with a few more items to toss into her bag. Bellamy pulled his own shoes on, Octavia eyeing him up and down in his lazy get-up.

“I take it you’re not going to see me take off.” She mumbled. Bellamy tensed at her question, shoulders rising enough to tell her what was going to happen before he even had a chance to answer. Still, Bellamy parted his lips and shook his head.

“I’ve gotta be back to open the shop. I can’t hang around for an hour to see you off.” He lied. The truth was he could do whatever he wanted at the store. He could have not opened it all day and sat in the airport long after Octavia was gone. The truth was Bellamy was weak, he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her off. Crying in front of a bunch of strangers didn’t seem like such an appealing idea. He’d rather cry on the way home, or even once he made it back inside the safe confines of their apartment. Any place where people couldn’t see him was better than the airport.

Words escaped Octavia, and against her better judgment, she stayed silent. Eventually, Bellamy picked up his keys from the counter and stuffed them away in his pocket so he could carry Octavia’s bags downstairs. His heart lurched in his chest, pulse thrumming loudly in his ears and his throat feeling tight. He wasn’t going to cry on the way there. No way, not this soon. Octavia closed the door behind her, following him downstairs to the car and opening the back doors so he could toss her bags in. Time seemed to be moving faster than ever before. To Bellamy it had only been yesterday that Octavia was asking him if she could go, the first argument they had over it reminding Bellamy he couldn’t keep her holed up her entire life, despite his need to do so.

They somehow ended up facing each other, Octavia speaking but the words falling on deaf ears as Bellamy searched for some sort of fear in her eyes, regret, sadness, anything like that, but… she wasn’t. Bellamy was never the best brother to her, he did the best he could for Octavia, but the one thing Bellamy  _ could  _ pride himself on was knowing when Octavia was scared. She had a certain frame of face where her emotions showed easily, but right now, all he could see was excitement in her expression.

“...did you hear me?” Octavia’s voice came in low waves, Bellamy shaking his head and watching his younger sister roll her eyes. “Of course you didn’t. Never mind. Let’s go.”

Before he could object, Octavia was already in the car, buckling herself in and leaning against the window. Bellamy sighed, approaching his own door and sitting down without bothering to ask Octavia what it was she was saying before. The car started up easily, Bellamy turning the radio up to keep himself awake, but all that played at this hour was radio static. Octavia reached over and turned it to a different station, music Bellamy never listened to, but it was better than sitting in awkward silence for two hours. Besides, the city would have better stations to listen to once they were an hour into the drive, so he wasn’t too concerned about it.

Driving should have been a relaxing task, Bellamy thought. After all, he had driven back and forth from the city plenty of times when he was younger, back in the gang for shipments, bailing people out and so on. Maybe it was because of those memories Bellamy felt so on edge as soon as they approached the freeway on-ramp, Octavia turning to face the window and tugging a pair of headphones out from her bag, only to stuff them away in her ears andn turn on her music without so much as a glance at Bellamy. That hurt.

Again, Bellamy knew he wasn’t the best brother. There was no denying the fact that he ran out on his family for years to join a gang, he was the first one to admit it most of the time. Sometimes Bellamy had a hard time talking to Octavia. Their opinions were different, their personalities were different.  _ They  _ were different. So it made sense that when it came to fights, both of them butted heads and refused to admit the other was right and they were wrong. The fight that had started seemingly weeks before, concerning Jasper, along with Bellamy’s arrest, lingered still. Octavia only spoke to Bellamy in short sentences, and she didn’t bother to ask him for favors anymore. 

His little sister was easy and quick to adapt to new situations, so it made sense after their fight she would be able to remove herself from his life almost completely. Bellamy tried to persuade her by saying he would pay for her trip abroad instead of forcing her to search for a scholarship or loans to pay for it, though all she did was thank him and mumble something about paying him back once the trip was over, though Bellamy wasn’t concerned about it at all. Despite the trip taking a large chunk of change from their savings, Bellamy wanted her forgiveness so much, he was willing to send her across the world to earn it.

Perhaps that was all Bellamy really wanted from anybody. Forgiveness. Redemption. Something to redeem himself and show he wasn’t as bad as he thought he was, because he definitely felt like he had sunken to a new low. Sleeping with Murphy whenever he had the chance while struggling with the feelings he somehow developed for Jasper, forcing his friend out of his life just to avoid those feelings, and then pretending as if he had a right to be lonely, to allow himself to be sad with nobody there for him-- well, he never felt worse than he did at this point in his life. Even after their mother died, at least Bellamy and Octavia had each other. Now Octavia was leaving, and was even excited to do so. He successfully chased Jasper off, which ultimately drove Monty away. Murphy was there, sure, but what they had wasn’t love. Bellamy knew that once he really thought about it one night they were together. There wasn’t love. It was something between lust and neediness, less than love but more than desire. Maybe there wasn’t a word for it, maybe he just didn’t care enough to think of one. Either way, it was more complicated than Bellamy ever wanted to deal with.

Being with Jasper was pretty simple.

Well, initially of course.

Being with Jasper was simple in the sense that jokes came naturally when they were together, smiles typically plastered on their faces even when they were sober for the better half of the night. Conversational topics merged and formed into a mess of laughter and sighs until their sides hurt and they laid down on the floor of the apartment. Bellamy apologized for not having a bed to lay on. Jasper told him not to apologize, but Bellamy would do it the next time he came over. And after a couple of minutes of silence, of comfortable, calming silence where there was no obligation to speak and fill it, Jasper would start talking about something, anything interesting to him. Books, most of the time. Sometimes Maya, if he was feeling sad, movies, music, sometimes even about Bellamy in an intimate way that Bellamy didn’t even know himself.

_ “When you’re feeling nervous, you bite your lip.” _ Jasper said after a long night of talking. The words came from him so easily, Bellamy was taken aback at the lilt of his voice. He seemed amused. “ _ You don’t just bite down, though. You, like, bite the skin on the bottom of your lip. Y’know what I mean? Also, you pick at your cuticles when you’re distracted. _ ” Jasper’s fingers brushed against his hand, a warm sensation spreading at Bellamy’s fingertips as soon as the memory rushed back like a waterfall. It felt so real. Bellamy nearly had to remind himself he was driving so he didn’t let his eyes flutter shut to imagine it better. “ _ S-sorry. _ ”

“ _ For what? _ ”

“ _ I… er, never mind. Anyway, do you see stuff I do? I always asked Maya if she noticed, but she said she didn’t. I know I do stuff when I get scared, but I can’t identify it. It’s harder noticing what you do yourself, y’know? _ ”

“ _ Well, you stutter a lot when you’re nervous. _ ”

“ _ That doesn’t count! _ ”

“ _ Why not? _ ”

“ _ That’s like saying, “You sneeze a lot when you’re sick.” A lot of people do that when they’re nervous. I’m talking about things like rubbing my neck when I’m scared, or… tapping my fingers against something a certain amount of times. Stuff like that! _ ”

“ _ That’s a lot of work to notice something like that _ .”

“ _ No way! It’s really easy. _ ”

“ _ Maybe if you stare at people for a long time. _ ” Bellamy smiled at the memory. “ _ Do you stare at me a lot, Jas? _ ”

“ _ N-no! Maybe I just hang around you too much. _ ”

That was the worst part of it all. Remembering all of those conversations, all of the times they were sober and stayed that way, how easy it was to talk without feeling embarrassed,  _ God _ , Bellamy missed it, and it hurt. It hurt a lot more than it should have. If he wanted to get rid of Jasper so badly, he should have been over the things they exchanged between one another on late nights that wasted away into morning hours.

But thinking about Jasper while he was driving was better than sitting in the tortuous silence of the car. Bellamy dared to sneak a glance at Octavia, whose eyes had fluttered shut and now rested her forehead against the cool glass of the window beside her. He looked away before running the risk of her catching him. Bellamy forced his eyes back to the road in front of him. Only a few cars roamed the streets at this hour, which Bellamy was thankful for. He wouldn’t have to deal with many people on the way back either, so he would be at the airport and back by the time the store needed to open.

The store. Home. Everything was going to be so quiet.

He loathed the idea of it. What was he supposed to do for five months without Octavia?

He’d figure it out when the time came. For now, he remembered more conversations between him and Jasper, longing for that sort of comfort he gave him again.

Jasper comforted Bellamy in a way other people couldn’t seem to do. He offered forgiveness, he offered a shoulder to lean on when Bellamy needed it, but he also gave Bellamy a push in the right direction when he needed it as well. Going to the party that night, despite being arrested at the end of it all, was better than Bellamy staying home like he usually did any time he was invited out to do something. How many times had Lexa and Clarke invited him over for drinks, or had Finn offered to take Bellamy to the city to, “loosen up”? How many times had Bellamy rejected them? And yet, all it took from Jasper was a text, a simple question of, “Are you going?”, and Bellamy was there.

There was something more than desire with Jasper. Bellamy hated admitting it. He hated even thinking about it. Giving the idea more than a few seconds of consideration meant making the feelings real, terrifyingly real, and he’d do anything to avoid that.

He told himself he told Jasper to leave for his own safety. He told Octavia that. On long nights where he found himself longing for someone’s tender touch, Murphy just not able to satiate whatever it was Bellamy wanted, Bellamy told  _ himself  _ that, even while letting Jasper’s name slip past his lips, even while imagining his fingers against the sides of Bellamy’s neck while Jasper steadied his hips against Bellamy’s own. Keeping up the lie of protecting Jasper was easier than ever admitting Bellamy couldn’t deal with his feelings so he ran, just like he did with everything and everybody else.

Bellamy shook his head. That was enough of that. He glanced at the clock to find they had already been driving for forty minutes and hadn’t hit any sort of traffic. That was good. At least Octavia would be away from him and happy to be leaving sooner. He knew she was.

Without realizing it, Bellamy had turned the radio up. That was enough thinking for a while. His head was starting to ache, and it wasn’t even 5 am yet.

The minutes melted into hours, and before Bellamy knew it, he was pulling up to the curb at the airport, shaking Octavia awake. She sat up with a snort, wiping her lip and searching the window in front of her before she darted her eyes back to Bellamy. He gave her a timid smile, opening the door and slipping out to help her with her bags. She followed shortly, words escaping both of them as she watched Bellamy drag her bags out from the car. After a moment of silence, Octavia heard the chaperone escorting them along the way calling out her name from the door of the airport, waving her hands wildly to catch Octavia’s attention. She waved back, Bellamy setting her bags down on the sidewalk before stuffing his hands in his pockets. He looked up at the sky, letting his eyes trail over the clouds and willing himself to hold back tears, because damn it, he didn’t want to cry right now.

A warmth spread around his body, and he looked down to find Octavia’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him close and burying her face in his chest. Bellamy pushed her hair away from her face to see she was sniffling, her nose scrunching up before she pulled back to wipe her eyes.

“What are you crying for? You should be excited to run away from me.”

“Shut up, you old fart.” Octavia punched Bellamy’s shoulder, earning a quiet chuckle from her older brother. “I’m still going to miss you, even if you are a total jerk sometimes.”

“We can always go back home and fight some more.” Bellamy joked, pulling Octavia back in for another hug. “You’re going to have so much fun, you’ll forget all about your big brother.”

“No way.” Octavia shook her head. “You’re going to wait for my call later, right? When we land?”

“Yeah, but it’ll be late there, like 2 am.”

“Did you look it up or something?” Octavia said through a sniffle. She nodded quickly. “Yeah, it’ll be late, but I want to talk to you when I land.”

“Oh, you’ll see your boyfriend and forget about me.” Bellamy laughed easily. “C’mon, stop crying. You’ve gotta go get all checked in. Don’t want to miss your flight.”

“Bell.” Octavia began, taking a steady breath. “Please don’t hole yourself up and avoid everyone while I’m gone.”

“But I’m so good at it.” He tried to play it off as a joke, though his sister’s expression remained serious.

“I know.” Octavia shook her head. “That’s the problem. Please don’t do that. Please, I’m asking you as your sister. I’m so worried about you, big brother. You can’t spend the rest of your life alone. Don’t.... I dunno. Maybe you should talk to Jasper again. He really liked you, y’know.” She paused, trying to gauge the response from Bellamy, but seemingly couldn’t when Bellamy steeled himself at her words. “Promise me you won’t be a hermit. Promise me.”

“Yeah.”

“Promise!”

“Fine, I promise.” Bellamy looked away. “O, c’mon, you’ve gotta go.”

“You’re just saying that so you won’t cry, ya big sap.” Octavia said, but she had already started crying again. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too. You tell Lincoln to take care of you, okay? A-and you text me at least every day, I want to know you’re okay. And you need to make sure you don’t get lost anywhere. Keep your phone on you all the time. And if you ever feel homesick, you let me know and I’ll bring you back in a heartbeat.” Bellamy was babbling now, words leaving him faster than he could filter them. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Octavia. I promise.”

“I love you, Bell.” Octavia threw her arms around Bellamy again, pulling him down to her height and squeezing tightly. Bellamy buried his face in her hair, savoring the moment of holding her for the last time before she would disappear from his life for five months. A tear slipped past his eyes, running down his cheek and into her shirt. Bellamy wiped it away with the palm of his hand and pulled away.

“Go on, get outta here before I don’t let you leave.” Bellamy teased, Octavia letting out a weak and breathy laugh while she grabbed her luggage with shaky fingers. Bellamy noticed her hands uneasily tightening against the handle of the luggage over and over as she dragged her bags to the door. Maybe Jasper was right. Maybe spending a lot of time with someone meant noticing the things they did. Octavia turned around one last time. Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, choking back a noise before he shook his head and waved at her. He was sure she wanted him to see her off. He could see it in her eyes. But he just couldn’t do it, he knew if he did he’d never want to leave until she was back.

_ My sister, my responsibility. _

Bellamy didn’t remember slipping into the car once again and resting his head on the steering wheel until somebody honked at him to get out of the way. He didn’t remember pulling away from the curb, or easily making his way to the freeway again. He had two hours of silence on the ride home, and 19 weeks of it until Octavia was back again.

“ _ He really liked you, y’know. _ ”

_ That’s the problem _ , Bellamy thought as he willed himself to turn the radio back up.  _ He liked me, but not the way that I want him to like me. _

* * *

 

Jasper hadn’t been able to sleep that night, and thus, Saturday morning trudged on at a snail’s pace while he laid in bed, desperately searching for something to do with his time. Video games kept him occupied for a few hours, eyes daring to cross while he played, but as soon as Jasper closed his game and laid down, he was wide awake again. Jasper considered going out and talking to Monty when he remembered they hadn’t spoken in a couple of days, Monty still angry about the entire “drinking his day away” issue. Maybe Jasper had been too harsh, but Monty was acting like Jasper was enjoying this, enjoying spending his days drinking and sleeping, sometimes crying.

Without thinking about it, Jasper unlocked his phone and opened the music application, quickly tapping on the first song he found. Most of them were cheesy romance songs he kept that reminded him of Maya. A few of them were even playlists they had made before she was sick. The sound of piano keys echoed in his empty room, Jasper letting his eyes flutter shut as he laid face-first in the pillow.

What was Bellamy doing? Shamelessly remembering his friend at the bookstore, he wondered if Octavia had shooed him away from the store yet, if he could slip out of the apartment and into the store to visit her for a few short minutes. It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t still attracted to Octavia, interested in her brutish and rebellious nature, but he knew she was utterly in love with her boyfriend across the world. Jasper heaved a sigh, maybe with jealousy, more likely with loneliness. Sitting with Octavia didn’t feel nearly the same as sitting with Bellamy. Even when they weren’t speaking it was comfortable. The flooding feeling of lying on the couch in their small apartment came in waves, burying his face into a pillow and imagining the scent of Bellamy’s cologne, or maybe it was just aftershave. Either way, his sense went numb and lulled at the thought of it curling around his senses and holding him captive.

Sometimes the bookstore smelled like Bellamy too, or maybe it was the other way around, where Bellamy carried the scent of old books and the candles Octavia burned to keep it smelling fresh. It didn’t matter which one it was, whether Bellamy smelled like books or if his scent lingered long after he left. What did matter was that Jasper wanted it, and he wanted to be surrounded in it now. He pushed himself off of his bed, turning the music off and trudging over to his dresser to find a pair of clean jeans and a t-shirt he hadn’t worn yet. His clothes had piled up in a messy heap in the corner of the room. It had only been a week since he had done laundry or… maybe it was longer than a week. Two? Jasper furrowed his brows as he slipped his shirt on and shucked his sweatpants off easily. Pulling the jeans on, he noticed they hung loosely around his waist.

“Monty?” Jasper called. Monty didn’t answer, but Jasper waited long enough to find the shadow of Monty’s figure standing outside of his bedroom. “Do you have a belt I can borrow?”

Monty disappeared after another moment of silence, the sound of his bedroom door opening while his footsteps retreated into the lull of their apartment. Jasper waited at the door after cracking it open only enough to see Monty pulling a black belt out of his closet and returning to Jasper’s door. Their eyes didn’t meet, Monty jutting his arm out only to hold the belt for Jasper. Jasper took it, his fingers brushing against Monty’s open palm. Then Monty stormed away, disappearing into their living room or their kitchen, Jasper couldn’t quite tell.

Jasper slipped the belt into the loops easily, eyes lazily tracing over his dark room. His wallet sat on the desk beside his messy and unkempt bed, sheets strewn and pulled off of the mattress from restless nights without sleep. Jasper snatched his wallet up and stuffed it away, along with his phone in the opposite pocket. Without another word, Jasper walked to the living room, Monty standing in the kitchen and searching for something to eat. He didn’t look up to see where Jasper was going. Clearing his throat, Jasper grabbed his jacket from the hanger beside the front door and slid it on over his shirt. After another moment of silence between them, Jasper left, ensuring the door slammed behind him.

Monty was just being ridiculous now.

He made it sound so easy to move on from death. Jasper wondered how Monty coped with it. Not when he was self-harming or abusing himself, but afterwards, once Jasper offered to help. It seemed to happen overnight. Monty was happy again. It was like after he learned Jasper was there for him, in his life for him after his mother’s death, everything was fine. Sure, Monty became sad every now and then, after long nights of drinking or anxious moments during finals week when all he wanted was his mom. But it seemed that in general, Monty was better within such a short time.

A cool autumn wind wrapped its way around Jasper’s body, Jasper tugging his jacket closer to his chest and stuffing his hands in his pockets. He should have grabbed his scarf from his room, but after being angry at Monty for ignoring him, he forgot everything.

The weather was unusually warm considering it was winter, though it seemed the season was finally starting to catch up. The dark, gray clouds above their heads loomed over them, threatening to drop a blanket of snow on the entire city at any moment. Another wind blew sharply, and Jasper hissed. Good thing the store was close, otherwise he may have had second thoughts about seeing Octavia. At least for a little while, he could sit in the store and pretend things were normal, even if it barely lasted.

Jasper followed his normal path, noticing the icy parts of the sidewalk and avoiding the spots until he reached a part of the sidewalk where melting salt crunched under his feet. He looked up to find Blake’s open, holiday books displayed in the window. Without a moment of hesitation, Jasper walked in, wiping his shoes off at the entrance and sighing loudly.

“It’s so cold!” He started quickly, staring at his feet while cleaning the last of the salt off. “I found a couple good books to read, or I heard they were good. Anyway, maybe we can find them, or I’ll order them. How are you doing, Octavia?” Jasper waited for a response, furrowing his brows and looking up from his feet to the register. “Octav--  _ Oh _ .” Jasper stuttered, words short and stunned.

Bellamy sat at the register, book in his hands while he looked up at Jasper standing in the doorway.

“What did you do with Octavia?” Jasper said suddenly.

“She went on her trip. Y’know, the whole studying abroad thing?” Bellamy said, then shook his head. Jasper vaguely remembered Octavia mentioning something about that, about leaving for a semester to study at a different campus. Jasper’s hands clenched in his pockets, breath stuck in his trembling body. Bellamy’s hair was so shaggy now. His eyes trailed over Jasper’s thin figure, as if committing the sight to memory before their eyes met and gazes locked. A shuddering breath left Jasper before he realized it.

“What are you doing here, Jasper?”

_ Oh shit. _

Jasper completely forgot about the fact that Bellamy effectively banned him from coming near the store, and him. His shoulders rose tensely, eyes darting between Bellamy and the ceiling so he could think of an excuse, but nothing came.

“I… er, I don’t… know.” Jasper finally spat out a sentence, mentally kicking himself for sounding so stupid.

“You were expecting Octavia.” Bellamy allowed his eyes to flutter away from Jasper’s thin figure in the doorway. “Close the door.”

“Huh?”

“Close the door. You’re letting all the heat out.” Bellamy reiterated. Jasper rushed to close it behind him, the bell jingling lightly and welcoming Jasper into the store. Jasper hardly moved once it was shut, back pressed to the door while he held his left arm close to his body with his right hand. Bellamy continued reading the book in front of him, eyes trailing over each word before flickering up to Jasper once more. “You were expecting Octavia.” He repeated.

“Y-yeah.” Jasper admitted in guilt. “But it’s not her fault. She told me to stop coming around, but I....”

“I know my sister.” Bellamy interrupted Jasper’s train of thought. “I’m sure as soon as I said you weren’t allowed, she jumped at the chance to keep you here.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong, Jasper thought. Octavia had practically done what he said word for word. Of course, she was the first one to admit it, but hearing Bellamy say it reaffirmed the fact that she kept him around to openly rebel against her brother.

“Yeah.” Jasper said sheepishly. Bellamy nodded in satisfaction, raising his brows and finally daring to swallow his pride long enough to look at Jasper the way he wanted to. God, he was thin. Bellamy had to resist the overwhelming urge to force Jasper upstairs and make him something decent to eat. His usually form-hugging t-shirts were loose against his body, practically flowing at the hem of his t-shirt. Jasper rubbed his neck, making Bellamy realize how uncomfortably long he had been staring at him.

“I also know you.” Bellamy continued with an exasperated sigh. “I knew you wouldn’t listen to me without a fight. Besides,” Bellamy reached into a drawer underneath the register and pulled out Jasper’s goggles, “you left these in here a few weeks ago.”

“ _ That’s _ where they were.” Jasper awed once Bellamy tossed them into his hands, fumbling with the straps before slipping them on.

Bellamy returned his attention to the book in his hands, fingers picking at the worn corners of the pages while he forced himself to read line after line. He had a lot to say. His mind was racing in different directions, unable to find the words, or maybe unwilling to. Either way, he was silent, and Jasper remained at the door while twiddling his fingers in front of him. This silence, this awkward moment shared between them was just that: awkward. Unlike other times, they both waited for the other to say something to break their tension. Jasper hesitantly took a step forward, as if the store was forbidden and he wasn’t actually visiting it anyway. Another step, and he was approaching the register without realizing it. He shook his head, retreating to the door again.

“I won’t come around anymore. I know you asked me not to.” Jasper said, hand darting for the doorknob, but hesitating when he heard Bellamy clear his throat to catch his attention. Curiously, Jasper turned his head, only enough to assure Bellamy he was listening to him.

“I don’t care if you come around.” Bellamy said. Jasper expected something like relief to come over him, but it didn’t. It was something like anger, possibly irritation as he clenched his hands into fists at his sides. “Feel free. There’s some other employees though, so maybe-”

“That’s it?” Jasper turned on his heel, brow furrowed and lips twitching into an annoyed frown. “That’s all I get from you? After what you said, I can just come back?” He wanted to show how unbelievably angry he felt about it, but all he could imagine was throwing a temper tantrum and distancing himself from Bellamy more than he already had. He bit his tongue, willed himself to think of something meaningful to say, anything he could say, but it all left him. Bellamy stuttered and stumbled over his words before he finally spoke clearly.

“Do you want me to say I’m sorry?” Bellamy began. “Because I am.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy continued, lowering his gaze with a tender expression painted on his face. “Alright? I’m sorry, Jas.”

Jasper swallowed his words and shivered at the sound of his nickname. How many times had he longed to hear that name from Bellamy again, said in a tone less innocently than the way he was saying it now? Jasper bit his bottom lip, sucking on it before realizing Bellamy was still waiting for an answer from him. He twirled the tip of his shoe around the carpet of the bookstore, searching for an answer in the texture of the floor underneath his shoes. He didn’t expect Bellamy to apologize so suddenly. Normally there was always  _ some  _ sort of a fight with Bellamy around. Bellamy pushed himself off of his seat while he stuffed his hands in his pockets and gave Jasper an odd look, something between a smile and a questioning look.

“When was the last time you ate?”

_ Good question! _ Jasper thought back to the last actual meal he had, something that wasn’t takeout, which so happened to be a week back when Octavia had brought down a sandwich for him. Bellamy and Octavia were alike in the way that they showed affection with food, sharing it whenever they could and saying they only did it because Jasper was looking thin. And he was, he knew he was, but they both had a tendency to be the only ones that ever offered to do anything about it. Monty tried, but he didn’t have the heart to force Jasper to eat something. Bellamy and Octavia didn’t care.

“Well, I had to think about it, so probably a while ago.” Jasper said, making Bellamy laugh weakly at his words.

“That’s… bad.” Bellamy pulled his hand from his pocket and jabbed his thumb in the direction of the stairs leading to the apartment. “If you keep an eye on the store, I’ll get you something. To eat, I mean.” He waited for a response from Jasper, eyes studying the way Jasper looked from Bellamy to the floor, then back to Bellamy again. It seemed like Jasper was doing everything in his power to keep himself from looking at Bellamy. Was he really so awful?

“Er… sure. W-wait.” Jasper held his hands up, making Bellamy stop in his tracks. “Wait, are you serious? About me coming around here? What about… everything?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Bellamy said.

“But  _ I _ do.”

Bellamy bit his lip, starting towards the stairs.

“Can we talk later?” He asked once he reached the stairs, standing in the doorway while turning slightly to face Jasper. Again, Jasper noticed Bellamy looking at him and darted his gaze away when he did, cheeks burning in embarrassment. Bellamy must have really pissed Jasper off. Jasper pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, eyes shut as he nodded.

“I-I guess.” Jasper gave in. Bellamy started upstairs finally, his footsteps retreating into the normal silence of the store/apartment complex.

Bellamy retreated upstairs, searching for something quick and easy to make for Jasper to keep him in the store just for a little longer. Bellamy was working up to admitting why he did what he did to Jasper, he only needed a couple of minutes to really build up, or rather tear down his own, pride so he would be able to admit to Jasper the reason he told him to leave. Of course, Bellamy was planning to blame it on the police, that they made him do things he wouldn't normally do for a reduced sentence. That way he wouldn’t have to come to terms with his feelings for Jasper, and they could at least have some semblance of a relationship together, even if it meant Bellamy had to hide.

Bellamy heard the bell of the store from downstairs, cursing under his breath and quickly running downstairs. If there was a customer, he’d have to stay down there so they didn’t ask Jasper anything. After bounding downstairs, expecting to find Jasper at the register and another customer at the door, he found the store to be empty. Jasper’s goggles sat on the counter near the register, but he was gone, tall and skinny figure missing from the store as Bellamy sighed and ran his hands through his hair. The last thing he expected was Jasper bailing on him. He seemed so enthusiastic about being in the store, about Bellamy, about being there with him again. Was Bellamy reading it wrong? He hoped not, but since Jasper had run out of the store, it obviously meant Bellamy  _ was  _ wrong. Jasper didn’t want to stay.

Half expecting Jasper to come back to grab his goggles again, Bellamy stuffed them back in the drawer from earlier for safe keeping, though it didn’t make sense why Jasper would leave them a second time. The first time, sure, accidentally leaving it could have happened, but a second time, and immediately after they started speaking again. Though it hardly counted as an actual conversation, Bellamy looked forward to talking and explaining himself for the most part, as long as he ignored the whole, “I have gay feelings for you,” thing. No big deal.

Speaking of which, Bellamy wasn’t even sure where those feelings came from or why they seemed to just… exist one day. Yeah, he spent a lot of time with Jasper, day in and day out, and the two of them texting almost any time they had a spare moment to send a few lines to one another, but other than that, Jasper had never displayed an interest in men, and he hadn’t done anything to lead Bellamy on to that sort of conclusion. And considering Bellamy’s track record with relationships, he really didn’t find himself caring for someone unless they cared for him first. With Murphy and Raven both, he had no interest in being with them in the first place. The feelings that blossomed afterwards were a different story, the aftermath of nights spent together and morning after lazy kisses before another stressful day Bellamy looked forward to decompress to. Even with Clarke, Bellamy always had an inkling of hope that she felt something for him, and that was the only reason he really wanted to pursue her. His actions were obviously cut short by Lexa, previous partner in the gang, though he knew Lexa hadn’t told Clarke that part. She did her best to keep it hidden, considering how Clarke reacted to Bellamy’s story. Point being, unless somebody showed interest in Bellamy first, he wasn’t interested.

But with Jasper, there wasn’t the impending pressure of owing somebody intimacy, owing them honest feelings and emotion. Jasper never expected Bellamy to be open and waiting and vulnerable for him when they spoke, and Bellamy didn’t expect Jasper to just be okay with his past considering Jasper made it clear that he condemned some of the things that Bellamy did in the gang. Obligation in a relationship was what Bellamy was used to, but Jasper never pressured him to be intimate beyond having conversations, sometimes talking about Bellamy’s past, sometimes not. Relationships weren’t meant to be obligatory, but comfortable, relaxed while talking with someone.

That must have been what really swept Bellamy away. Jasper wanted to talk to Bellamy, he wanted to listen to him. Murphy and Raven, even Clarke, they said the same thing, but the moment Bellamy let something out, they all reacted oddly, as if Bellamy wasn’t allowed to have those kinds of feelings or reactions to things. Bellamy felt as if Jasper allowed him to be upset about the things he wanted to be upset about, and the conversation never ended right after Bellamy was feeling better. And if Bellamy didn’t want to talk about himself, Jasper would talk about  _ himself _ , or they would talk about anything, everything that came to mind. His mother was a conversational topic brought up once by Bellamy, who started speaking without realizing, and then quickly apologized. Nevertheless, Jasper encouraged Bellamy to keep going if he wanted to. He did.

Jasper took what Bellamy wanted into consideration. Every time they spoke, it was about what Bellamy wanted; when they hung out, where Bellamy wanted to go or what Bellamy wanted to do. Only a few times had it been about Jasper. The attention to his desires really threw Bellamy off. Everybody else was usually put before him, not the other way aroud.

So why was it, considering Jasper was so attentive to his needs and wants, Bellamy was so scared to admit he wanted  _ Jasper? _ Sure, there was hesitation about whether or not Jasper was even interested, but beyond that, what was stopping him? Murphy? Raven? They weren’t even around, nor were they interested in relationships with him, or at least Bellamy figured they wouldn’t be. Clarke had Lexa, though thinking about that didn’t upset Bellamy in the same way it used to when they started dating. Maybe he was getting over her. He hoped so.

Interrupting his train of thought, the door jingled open, Bellamy almost jumping at the sound of it. It was a couple minutes to closing, the clock practically pointing at 3:00 as this stranger walked in and perused the bookcases. Bellamy did the usual spiel, sitting down at the register and waiting for them to leave so he could start closing up. After that, he had no idea what to do. It was the first day without Octavia, and he was already feeling lonely, and having the chance to be with Jasper again, only to have it snatched away in an instant was more than cruel. Maybe he’d just be sad on the couch for a while.

Soon enough, the customer left, Bellamy quickly locking the door behind them and opening up the register to begin counting it. Bill after bill of cash, Bellamy’s eyes glazing over eventually while his fingers fluidly moved over each bill and then set it down. Like clockwork, Bellamy closed the register, locking the deposit inside of the register before rubbing the back of his neck and making sure the store was clean enough for the next day. Since it had cooled off, the only thing people tracked in was the frosty cold outside. Pretty soon it would start snowing and business would really slow down, but either way, Bellamy wasn't looking forward to the cold weather. He never did. The summertime was his favorite time of year, the warmth and sunny days much more attractive than any gloomy, dreary season of the year. Bellamy sighed and grabbed the vacuum from a closet just in the corner of the store, a place he used to keep window cleaner and things like that on hand for the store.

For once, Bellamy didn't have anything to think about. All of his concerns about Jasper, worrying about Octavia, even thinking of Murphy and Raven-- what happened to her leg?--, all of it melted away into a mind numbing puddle in the back of his mind. Stress was no stranger to Bellamy Blake, scared of his past catching up to him, fearful of losing people because of it, but for now, he was able to protect the people most important to him. He had failed his mother, but Octavia was safe from him for now, and Jasper seemed to not be interested in the store anymore. After all, what other reason would there be for him to run off shortly after Bellamy offered him the chance to stay again.

And an apology.

Bellamy apologized.

That was what particularly bothered Bellamy about it all. If Jasper didn’t want to forgive him, if he wanted to stay out of Bellamy’s life for the rest of his life, that was fine, but why not tell him that instead of letting Bellamy apologize and hope he was staying this time?

Dinner. Bellamy was hungry. He didn’t know what to make, and to be honest, he didn’t have the energy to think of anything worth eating. Ordering pizza sounded more and more appealing as Bellamy trudged upstairs, running his hands through his messy hair. He had to get a haircut soon, he had let it get so long because Murphy convinced him it looked nice long, but Bellamy hated it brushing against his ears all the time and curling up even more than it already did. His mother’s hair was straight and long, as was Octavia’s, but it seemed Bellamy received the cheap gift of curly hair from his unknown father. So fuck that guy.

Bellamy unknowingly found his way to the couch, falling face first into the couch and sighing while turning his head to the side so he could breathe. Moving took too much energy, as did breathing, existing, being a human being in general. After mustering up enough energy to grab the remote off of the table and turning on Netflix, eyes barely staying open long enough for him to turn on a TV show and watch the first few minutes of it before his eyes crossed, a yawn slipping past his lips and relaxing himself into the cushions of the couch underneath him. Octavia said he could sleep in her bed while she was gone, but just thinking about getting up right then made him feel even more tired.

The ambient noise of the TV became a lullaby, Bellamy’s laziness taking hold of him. He blamed it on the fact that he had to wake up so early and take Octavia to the airport, and hadn’t slept since then, but a voice in the back of his mind was objecting and chiding Bellamy for failing to remember how most of his nights were ridden with nightmares and hours of watching a show or listening to music, if it meant he was able to avoid the images that plagued him night after night.

That night was no different. As soon as Bellamy’s eyes rolled back and he snoozed softly, the same nightmares came back. His body tensed, hands balled up in fists at his side while his brain worked to wake him up from the scene in front of him. Eyebrows scrunched up, eyes clenched, and suddenly Bellamy was gasping for breath, pushing himself off of the couch and panting heavily. Looking up at the clock, Bellamy was shocked to find almost five hours had passed since he lost what little consciousness he had left. His phone buzzed in his pocket, Bellamy pulling it out to find Octavia calling him, and missed calls and voicemails. A few from Octavia, and some from… Monty? Bellamy furrowed his brows, but answered Octavia’s calls first.

“Octavia?” Bellamy said excitedly.

“Bell! What the hell?! Why didn’t you answer earlier, I’ve been calling you for hours.”

“Didn’t you just land like…” Bellamy glanced at the clock again, “an hour ago?”

“Shut up.” Octavia huffed, a grin on Bellamy’s face as he caught her off guard. “Why didn’t you answer?”

“I just fell asleep after I closed the store.” Bellamy explained calmly, scrubbing his face with his free hand. “How is it, O? Everything go all right?”

“Yeah!” She exclaimed excitedly. “Lincoln met me when we landed, and we’re at his family’s place right now. I’m going to sleep in a minute. I wanted to talk to you first. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you up. Driving you to the airport that early really kicked my ass.” Bellamy let out a quiet laugh, holding back the ball in his throat at the thought of having to hang up soon, having to lose Octavia’s voice once again. “Uh, that’s okay, I don’t need to talk to him.”

“Say hi!” She interjected, and then a ruffling sound came from the opposite end of the conversation, and then Octavia’s distant voice. “Say hi, Bell!”

“Er… Hey, Lincoln.”

“Alô.” Lincoln’s heavy voice came from the phone, Bellamy cringing at his thick accent and how hard it was for him to understand what he was saying. Octavia always said that Bellamy just wasn’t listening enough, but considering Bellamy learned a completely made up language just for his gang, he knew it wasn’t lack of attention, but that Lincoln really did have a thick accent. Still, Lincoln spoke enough English for the two of them to have short bursts of conversation, and Octavia had long since learned the language Lincoln spoke, though the dialect was a little different. Bellamy cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes with his knuckles.

“You’re taking care of Octavia, right?” Bellamy said. He heard Lincoln grunt in agreement from the other line. “Thanks. Uh… good night, I guess?”

“Short conversation.” Octavia’s voice came again, Lincoln apparently given up on speaking to him anymore than he already had, and Bellamy was silently thankful for that. “Anyway, I’m going to bed now. Crazy tired, and I have to go to the campus tomorrow for my schedule.”

“Oh, okay.” Bellamy said, though she didn’t have to explain how tired she was. He could hear the sleepy tone in her voice she had on nights where she found him restlessly watching TV on the couch. Bellamy never told her this, but the tone she had was the same one she had from when they were little kids. It was soothing to the ear, comforting. “Good night, then.”

“I miss you, Bell. Love you.” She tacked on. Bellamy sighed.

“Yeah, I miss you too. This place is quiet.”

“Get a pet.” Octavia joked before her voice heightened. “Have you talked to Jasper yet?”

“Weren’t you just going to bed?” Bellamy snapped.

“Touchy, touchy.” Octavia said. “But yeah, I’m tired. Good night, Bell!”

“Night.” Bellamy repeated, waiting for the other line to go silent before he pulled the phone away and found Octavia had already hung up. Of course she had. She was so excited to be there, she didn’t have the same hesitations Bellamy did when it came to her time there. Before Bellamy even had a chance to set his phone down, it began to buzz wildly again. Monty’s name came up on the screen, Bellamy furrowing his brows before he answered and lifted it to his ear.

“Bellamy?” Monty’s frantic voice came from the other line, Bellamy immediately perking at the sound of his voice. “Oh, thank god you answered.” In the few moments of silence between them, Bellamy could hear Monty’s panting breath from the phone, mumbling quietly to himself before speaking clearly again.

“Uh-”

“Please tell me Jasper is with you. Please.” Monty interrupted quickly. Bellamy furrowed his brows.

“He’s not.” He pushed himself off of the couch, already knowing there was something wrong when Monty groaned desperately in response to his answer, his heart stopping in his chest when Bellamy heard Monty sound that way.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god.” Monty repeated.

“Monty, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know where he went!” Monty shouted, and then apologized for snapping. “He left earlier, I-I don’t know what for, but then he came back, and we… we had an argument, and he took my keys and he left. I couldn’t follow him, and I…” He sounded on the verge of tears when his voice cracked in the middle of his sentence. “That was at 3:00. I have no idea where he’s been for four hours. H-he’s not picking up his phone, I think he shut it off, or it died or something.”

“Okay, okay, Monty, calm down, breathe.”

Monty took a long breath, Bellamy managing a moment of composure for himself as he grabbed his jacket from the rack and slipped it at once while holding the phone against his ear with his shoulder.

“Do you think he went to see Maya?”

Monty hiccuped, a quiet sob echoing from the other line as Monty willed himself to speak clearly.

“He said… he said he would rather be dead than be my friend. When we fought, he said that. And I said…” Monty cut himself short, a sob bursting through him again, “I said he might as well have been dead.” Monty mumbled. His voice dropped at the end of his sentence, Bellamy’s heart lurching in his chest at his words. But Bellamy didn’t blame Monty either. He had an inborn need to protect Jasper because of how long they had known each other. Of course seeing him in this pain was weighing heavily on Monty as well. “I’m so scared, Bellamy. What if he… What if I-”

“Don’t even say it.” Bellamy said, snatching his keys off of the counter and stuffing them in his pocket. “Are you at home?”

“Y-yeah.”

“I’m picking you up. We’re looking for him.”

“He could be anywhere.” Monty objected.

“Then we’re going to look everywhere.”

* * *

 

Monty came out of the park panting heavily, his hands on his knees as he keeled over and caught his breath long enough to hear Bellamy’s footsteps just a few feet away from him. Bellamy was a sweaty, panicked mess, same as Monty, as he pulled his jacket away from his chest and dropped it, repeating his ministrations over and over to create some kind of airflow between his chest and his jacket. They both caught their breath, Bellamy clearing his throat once he heard his phone ringing in his pocket.

“Murphy?”

“No sign of the kid yet, king.” Murphy’s voice came through the speaker. “Maybe he’s in a hospital or something. You guys call to check on that yet?”

“No time.” Monty heaved out. “Gotta look for him where we can first.”

“I’ll see if I can get someone to start calling.” Murphy responded shortly. “Look, what’s the big deal? If the kid doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be.”

“Shut up, Murphy.” Bellamy snapped. “Keep looking. Call me if you find anything.”

“You got it, boss.” Murphy mocked Bellamy before hanging up. Monty looked up at Bellamy, expression conveying everything he was thinking. Bellamy rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the ground.

“Kind of weird to ask him to help us find Jasper.” Monty said. Bellamy shrugged.

“He’s got a lot of people for him. It’s faster to have them looking too instead of just us two.”

“You know he’s not doing it for Jasper.”

“I know.” Bellamy acknowledged sharply. “I know, he’s doing it for me. But I’m doing it for Jasper, so… it doesn’t matter. Okay, so we checked the park, everywhere around our places, and the mall.” Bellamy checked the time on his phone. “It’s almost nine now. It’s been…”

“Six hours.” Monty croaked. “Oh god.”

“Don’t get all panicky on me now.” Bellamy interjected. “It’s not going to help Jasper if we’re both too freaked out to find him. Now,” he paused and let his eyes shut, “Murphy and them are checking his side of town just in case Jasper wandered down there, and Murphy has people checking just outside of town. So we’ve basically got everything covered except-”

“Greer’s.” Monty interrupted again. “Do you think he’s there? Do you really think so?”

“He was going there before.” Bellamy shrugged. “It’s worth a shot.”

Monty opened his mouth to speak, his words immediately being cut off by the loud wailing of a siren, two police cars rushing past the park in the direction of the one way out of their town, towards the freeway. Monty stood up straight, watching them disappear into the distance of the road when their sirens were accompanied by an ambulance whizzing past them as well, and finally, a firetruck. The moment their eyes met, Bellamy knew what Monty was thinking.

“There’s a chance it isn’t him. Stuff happens all the time around here. There’s houses out there. Maybe they’re going out to look.” Bellamy tried to justify the distant sound of sirens to not only Monty, but to himself. He gathered his thoughts, but his phone ringing interrupted him instead, Bellamy quickly answering it when he noticed it was Murphy.

“One of the patrols outside of town found a red car.” Murphy began, his tone hesitant and wary.

“Your car is red, right?” Bellamy said. Monty nodded grimly. “It’s his. Is he there?”

“Bellamy....” The cadence of Murphy’s voice said everything.

“Where is he?” Monty said. “Is he there? Did they find him?” Monty was interrogating Murphy now, a sigh coming from the speaker of Bellamy’s phone. “Answer me!”

“The car was flipped off of the overpass heading to Greer’s.” Murphy blurted. “My patrol called the cops.”

Bellamy’s heart fell to his stomach, Monty’s eyes glazing over with tears as he stepped backwards, bumping into the garbage can behind him before he leaned over it and heaved.

“Bellamy?” Murphy said. Bellamy dropped his hand to his side, Murphy’s voice melting into the noise of the streets, the sound of the sirens nothing more than occasional blips in the night as Bellamy felt himself moving towards Monty. Maybe he hung up on Murphy. Maybe Murphy hung up on him. Either way, he wasn’t there, wasn’t speaking anymore. Bellamy tucked his phone in his pocket, and then rubbed Monty’s back as he leaned his face into his hands and broke down into tears. Barely able to realize what he was doing, Bellamy started talking, Monty looking up at him and nodding. And then they were heading back to their car, Bellamy starting it up when he realized Monty was speaking. Bellamy only caught bits and pieces of what he was saying, most of it about Jasper, the rest about his guilt. Focus escaped Bellamy as they pulled away from the curb and headed in the direction of where the ambulance’s went. 

The ambulance and police cars already had a 10 minute lead on Bellamy and Monty, and Bellamy had to pull over once he heard a fire truck rushing behind them, and keeping them in place for another moment. Monty’s breathing quickened in pace, heightened in volume, and his hand darted for Bellamy’s free one lying on the arm rest. His fingers found solace in the spaces between Bellamy’s own, squeezing tightly as Bellamy tensed and his shoulders rose in embarrassment. But swallowing his feelings, he squeezed back, holding tightly to Monty’s hand and noticing how his breaths seemed to ease into a quiet tempo again. If he was still anxious, he did a good job of hiding it.

Bellamy pulled off to head on the frontage road where Monty’s car would have been if Jasper really had flipped off of the overpass. The police cars barricaded the road, keeping them from approaching the car, though Monty already opened the door to Bellamy’s car and slipped out. The police hardly had a chance to stop him, their hands slipping on his shirt while he sprinted towards the red car, and the ambulance where they were loading up a gurney. Bellamy parked the car and followed, ready to chase after him when he heard a whistle. His eyes darted to the right to find Emerson and Lovejoy standing there, Emerson’s hands on his hips as he smirked at Bellamy.

“Back to getting in trouble, I see?” Emerson joked. Bellamy sneered and walked forward again, trying to ignore him until he felt Emerson’s hand land on his shoulder and pull him back. “Can’t go over there. Your friend is getting dragged back too.”

“That’s his  _ car _ .” Bellamy snapped at the last word, pushing Emerson’s hand off of him. “That’s my friend.”

Emerson laughed. “Look, it doesn’t matter who he is, you can’t go over there.”

“Is he okay?” Bellamy asked, his tone dripping in desperation.

“Blake, get back to your car.”

“Please.” Bellamy pleaded, noticing Lovejoy bringing Monty back before he could reach the ambulance, or his totaled car. Monty easily gave in when Lovejoy spoke to him, shoulder slouching while he trudged his way back to Bellamy’s side. The eyes that were normally full of life and excitement were glazed over, unable to focus on anything in front of him. His hand landed on Bellamy’s elbow, instinctively pulling him close as the ambulance started up and pulled away from the scene. “Emerson, I know you hate me, I fucking get it, I know, but I… I need to know if he’s okay.” Bellamy whispered the last part, eyes searching for a sign in Emerson’s eyes. His expression softened, normally a sneer when he was around Bellamy, though Bellamy had the same look most of the time with him as well. Emerson cleared his throat, looking around to make sure the others weren’t around. Already the police were crowding around the car, opening the doors to see if there was anything of worth inside of it before they called a tow truck to tow it off and junk it.

“The kid was pinned to the steering wheel after it flipped.” Emerson began quietly, but he grabbed Bellamy and started shoving him in the direction of his car. Bellamy complied, keeping Monty close to him as they started back. “He couldn’t breathe, and they had to put him on a machine when they pulled him out of the car. They’re thinkin’ it’s a punctured lung or something. Not sure if it’s from the impact of the crash or from being pinned to the wheel.” Emerson turned Bellamy back to him and pointed an accusing finger at him, but the look on his face said otherwise. Monty was following along with it all, though he didn’t offer any reaction to his words. “That’s all I know.”

“Is he going to the hospital?”

Emerson froze up at his words.

“I don’t know.”

“He’s lying.” Monty spoke up. “Where are they taking my friend?”

“You gotta get out of here now.” Emerson said, pointing in the direction of the car. “We’ll be in touch with you about the car. They’ve gotta find your information in the car, we can’t just take your word that you’re the owner of the car-”

“I don’t give a shit about my car!” Monty said through a hiccup. “I want to know where my friend is going. What are you doing with him? I want to see him!”

“Monty.” Bellamy said, grabbing onto his shoulders and holding him in place. “We should go home.”

“N-no, I want to see Jasper.”

“We can’t.” Bellamy said. “Not right now. Not yet. C’mon, get in the car.”

After only a second of hesitation, Monty returned to his side of the car, easing into the seat and slipping his seatbelt on. Bellamy grabbed the driver’s side door before turning to Emerson and furrowing his brows.

“Thanks.” He said. Emerson cocked a brow.

“Don’t mention it.” Bellamy almost smiled, but Emerson made a gesture to the other police officers. “Seriously, don’t mention it. I could get shit canned for just telling you. Besides, nobody needs to know I did a favor.”

“Gee, for a second there, I thought you liked me.” Bellamy said before slipping into the car and turning it on, backing up without paying much mind to Monty quite yet. He knew he was crying, but Bellamy couldn’t do that same, he wouldn’t let himself do the same. The two of them crying in a car wasn’t going to change anything.

The long, 20 minute drive back home felt like a lifetime once Bellamy pulled up to their apartment complex. He uneasily shifted in his seat, avoiding Monty, though it didn’t seem Monty was all the interested in staring at Bellamy. Instead, he furrowed his brows, biting down on his bottom lip before glancing at Bellamy from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

Bellamy sat back in his seat, shifting the car into park and pulling the keys out. Monty thought if he had the capacity to smile, he would, but everything hurt. Sometimes Monty thought people were lying when they said their heart hurt, but he could feel a throbbing ache settling in his chest whenever he thought of the gurney disappearing into the ambulance. The lights on the ambulance were on, he thought, so at least they were rushing to get back to the hospital, or wherever it was they were taking him. Monty’s door opened from the outside, nearly jumping in his seat when he noticed Bellamy standing outside of it. When had he gotten out? Monty eased himself out of the seat, his legs feeling like jelly underneath him. Unknowingly he darted for Bellamy’s hand, vice grip around his fingers as he stood up straight. Bellamy closed the door behind him, and they started upstairs, Monty easily leading the way with Bellamy’s hand still enclosed in his own.

Ending up on the couch after a few long minutes of trying to open the door, Bellamy stretched out his legs, and Monty laid back on the couch to leave space for Bellamy. Monty had already started crying long ago, his resolve melting away in the comfort of their own apartment. Bellamy pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, lying back with a loud sigh, loud enough for Monty to take it as a cue to talk.

“I don’t even know what to do now.” Monty began.

“What do you mean?” Bellamy replied, his tone flat and seemingly uninterested in talking, but he was really only tired and stressed out from it all.

“He’s an adult, he’s 19. I don’t know if I’m allowed to call and ask if he’s okay. I-I don’t even know where he  _ is _ .” Monty babbled on, but he wasn’t wrong. Bellamy relaxed into the couch even more. “What if there’s something wrong with him? Why would he do this? I don’t understand, I don’t.... Do you think he was suicidal?”

Frozen at Monty’s words, Bellamy shook his head.

“But why would he do that? I don’t get it, I don’t get why he’d do something so fucking stupid!”

“Don’t get mad.” Bellamy warned. “You’ll just be angry and you’ll have nobody to take it out on.”

“I’m already mad! I’m mad, and- and I’m upset, and I’m sad, and--” Monty choked on his words. “And I want my best friend.”

At a loss for what to say, and particularly for what to do, Bellamy closed his eyes and listened to Monty rattle on about it all, though in the end, there really was nothing they could do. Monty pulled his phone from his pocket, his voice turning soft and sweet as soon as Bellamy realized he was calling somebody. After another second, he heard Monty address the other person as, “Mrs. Jordan.”

Jasper’s mom.

“Uhm, so, something really serious happened.” Monty said hesitantly. A reassuring voice came from the other line. “It’s Jasper.... Something bad happened to Jasper.”

Bellamy’s stomach turned at the sound of that sentence. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t been thinking about it much, denying whatever it was that happened to his friend, but the truth of the matter was that something  _ bad  _ did happen to Jasper. Nausea rushed over Bellamy like a flood of emotion, and this is how Monty must have been feeling, he thought. Monty’s words faded into the background, Bellamy searching for answers in the texture on the ceiling of their apartment. There was nothing there.

The couch smelled like Jasper, Bellamy noted. He told himself it was the softness of the couch itself that comforted him into a light sleep, the sound of Monty’s voice nothing more than a lullaby in the background, even though Monty was upset and clearly distraught.

Jasper’s voice echoed in his dreams that night.

“ _ I like driving to Greer’s… it’s real calming, y’know… like if I died on the way… well, I’m not saying I want to die… I’m just saying if I did.... _ ”


	12. If I could begin to do

Sunlight beamed in through the living room window of the apartment, Bellamy groaning and pulling his shirt over his face in a desperate attempt to shield himself from the sun outside. Warmth spread through Bellamy’s stomach, gentle fingers touching at the bottom of his ribs and the top of his stomach. Stirring from the couch, Bellamy rubbed his eyes free of sleep and peered down, finding who else, but Monty lying on top of him. How he ended up in this position night after night with different people, Bellamy would never be able to explain it. Bellamy moved his fingertips to Monty’s shoulder, shaking him lightly. He hardly budged at Bellamy’s touch, instead burying himself deeper into his side. Bellamy tensed, shaking his shoulder again and earning a quiet, earnest groan from his friend.

“Monty.” Bellamy whispered. Monty shook his head.

“Sleep longer.” He grumbled back, eyebrows furrowed as he rubbed his eye with his free hand. The other snaked around Bellamy’s back, pulling him in close. Monty took a long breath, nose scrunching up at the unfamiliar scent of Bellamy’s shirt.

“Monty, it’s me.” Bellamy spoke up again. Monty rubbed his eye firmer this time, as if brushing the sleep away from his expression before he looked up at Bellamy and sat straight up. Whatever sleepiness left in his expression fled in that moment, his eyes wide and heart pounding in his chest as soon as he realized it was Bellamy he was so intimately cuddling. It was endearing, Bellamy thought, how Jasper and Monty both seemingly had the same reaction when waking up and finding themselves tucked closely into Bellamy’s side. A voice in the back of Bellamy’s mind reminded him he’d much rather have Jasper there. He pushed it away with the rest of his thoughts before sitting up with Monty around his hips, his elbows beneath him the leverage keeping him off of the couch as Monty flushed bright red and undertones of pink spread to the tips of his ears. Bellamy gives him a wary smile. “It’s okay. I didn’t mind.”

“Ah, it wasn’t that. N-never mind.” Monty furrowed his brows. “Have you seen my phone?”

Bellamy stood up after Monty shimmied down his legs and sat on the arm of the couch instead of his hips. Monty grimaced, a laugh leaving him as he reached for his phone, which happened to sit in the exact spot Bellamy was before.

“ _That’s_ what I felt.” Bellamy laughed and rubbed his thigh. “To be fair, it wasn’t directly on my ass.”

“It’s so _warm_.” Monty burst, holding his phone with his thumb and forefinger and holding it away from himself. “Did you fart on it, or what?”

“You done?” Bellamy said before pointing a thumb down the hall. “Is it cool if I use your bathroom?”

“No.” Monty replied, sarcastic and expression deadpan at the same time. “You are not allowed to use the bathroom like any normal human is. Go outside.”

“Ha.” Bellamy mocked, then walked down the hall on his own. He turned to his left, opening the first door he saw only to nervously back away. That wasn’t the bathroom, but somebody’s bedroom. “Uh, which one is the bathroom?”

“Oh, the door at the end of the hall. Sorry if you saw Jasper’s room. It’s a mess.”

Bellamy swallowed hard and shut the door, walking into the bathroom and doing his usual morning routine, sans a toothbrush. Monty surely wouldn’t mind if he used his toothpaste. It’s not like he was putting his mouth all over it or anything. Brushing his teeth with his finger, Bellamy spat and washed his face. Everything that had happened the night before came back in little bits of memories. It was the last thing he wanted to think about. Monty was devastated the night before. After hanging up on Jasper’s mom and sitting on the couch in silence for a few minutes, Bellamy had pulled him into his side, awkwardly wrapping his arm around his shoulders and waiting to see if Monty would object to it. Bellamy didn’t do this kind of thing often. Sometimes it happened with Jasper, but that was... different. It came naturally to the two of them, even on nights when they sat soberly speaking about anything that came to mind. Bellamy’s hesitation melted away after he heard Monty sigh deeply. He melted into Bellamy’s side and cried for the rest of the night, about anything, about everything. At some point, he started crying because he hadn’t done the dishes, and, “the apartment is going to reek in the morning.” It didn’t.

Finishing up in the bathroom took a minute, then Bellamy opened the door, hardly making a sound as he headed back down the hall. The door he had entered first, now on his right, called his name. He knew he shouldn’t have wanted to go inside, but a part of him thought if he did, it wouldn’t be so bad. Jasper had been in their apartment so many nights, he practically lived there. The only room he hadn’t seen was Octavia’s, for obvious reasons, and yet, this was the first time Bellamy actually had a moment in their apartment. He should take advantage of it before Monty realized what he was doing. The door opened easily, Bellamy squeezing in and then closing it behind him.

Overwhelming. It was so overwhelming.

The scent of Jasper lingered around the entire room, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. A folded basket of clothes sat on his bed, along with a note scribbled messily over the top. Bellamy had already started to realize it when the thought crossed his mind that it may have been personal.

_Even though you’re a jerk and I hate you right now, you’re still my best friend._

_\- Monty_

Bellamy sighed when he finished reading it. Monty must have done Jasper’s laundry while he was gone, after running away with his keys and his car. With a quiet step, he turned around to find a bookcase just beside the door, full to the brim and overflowing with piles and piles of books. Bellamy unknowingly stepped forward, pulling out copy after copy of old books. Some of them were books he had sold to Jasper, in better condition that most of the other ones towards the back. The cover of one book in particular stood out, _Miriam_ by Truman Capote. Bellamy opened the book to find pages upon pages bookmarked, dog tagged, scribbled upon. His heart lifted at the sight of it. Bellamy knew some people hated writing in books, but Bellamy had a bad habit of wanting to remember every word from his favorite books. Soon enough, Bellamy carried the book back to Jasper’s bed, clearing the blanket out from underneath him and sitting down cross-legged, flipping it open to different underlined passages, words he didn’t understand defined on the empty borders of each page.

_“Within the last hour the weather had turned cold again; like blurred lenses, winter clouds cast a shade over the sun, and the skeleton of an early dusk colored the sky...”_

_\- Imagery, word choice. My favorite passage._

_“For possibly ten minutes Mrs. Miller did not move. Then, hearing no sound, she concluded Miriam had gone. She tiptoed to the door and opened it a sliver; Miriam was half-reclining atop a cardboard box with a beautiful French doll cradled in her arms.”_

_\- creepy!_

_“In times of terror or immense distress, there are moments when the mind waits, as though for a revelation, while a skein of calm is woven over thought....”_

_\- Bellamy’s favorite passage!_

Bellamy shivered at the sight of his name scribbled so sloppily in the bleed of the book pages after searching for his particular favorite passage. The story itself wasn’t long, considering the rest of the pages were a biography on Truman Capote’s life. He remembered Jasper reading it in the bookstore, talking about how much he enjoyed the short bursts of imagery with the dialogue. Jasper approached the counter the way he always did when he wanted to talk to Bellamy, and they both read each page until Bellamy came to his favorite passage and pointed it out. He had no idea Jasper had highlighted it, or even cared enough to remember which one happened to be his favorite.

Of course he did, because Jasper did things that were strangely affection, wildly intimate and yet platonic and casual, as if he did this type of thing with every person he met. There was nothing Bellamy loved more, and at the same time, nothing he hated more than that simple fact. There was a very fine line between flirting with somebody and jokingly saying a few things here or there, and yet, Bellamy couldn’t tell that difference between him and Jasper. It could have gone either way.

Liking somebody shouldn’t have been so ambiguous. After all, if Jasper really didn’t like him in that sense, he would have said something already, right?

Bellamy knew he was grasping at straws now. Closing the book with a huff, he stuffed it back on the tight bookshelf, organizing the other messy books and sighing as he stepped back to admire the impossibly unorganized library of books. He was almost impressed.

“Bellamy?” Monty said, the door to Jasper’s room immediately opening as he halted and clamped his mouth shut. Bellamy shamefully lowered his head, an apologetic look on his face. “O-oh. Is there something you needed in here...?”

“No, just nosy.” Bellamy admitted sheepishly. “Sorry, I really didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s okay.” Monty smiled, opening the door wide enough so he could slip in. “Jasper likes having people in his room. He’s so weird, I hate showing people my room.”

“Would you believe me if I said I was looking for your room?” Bellamy tried to lie through his teeth, but Monty knew better than that.

“Not at all.” Monty gestured towards Bellamy’s obviously redenned face. “Nice try though. Jasper would die if he saw you in here admiring his books.”

“Why?” Bellamy said. “I’ve sold him a ton of them.”

“Well, yeah, but you’re looking at all of the notes he’s left and stuff, the dog eared pages and stuff. He’d just-” Monty cut himself short, stuttering over words in order to save himself from the mess he nearly dug himself into. Finally, he shook his head. “Never mind.”

“What were you gonna say?” Bellamy shot. Monty shook his head again, turning his back on Bellamy and starting out to the hall again. Bellamy chased him. “What is it?”

“Nothing!” Monty exclaimed with a nervous laugh. “Seriously, it’s nothing. U-uhm, anyway... Jasper’s mom texted me. She said she’s going to drive down tomorrow.”

“ _Tomorrow_?” Bellamy raised a brow, seemingly forgetting whatever it was that had bothered him only a few moments earlier. “Why not today? Her kid’s in the hospital. I would’ve been down here last night.”

“Jasper has an older sister, Lucia.” Monty nodded slowly. “Her wedding is in a month, so they’ve been dealing with that. I’m not saying it takes priority over Jasper, don’t freak out,” Monty paused as soon as he noticed Bellamy shooting him a look of _I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that_ , “but they can’t just drop everything all at once. Lucia is coming down too. She texted me this morning.”

Bellamy nodded slowly, catching himself wandering around their kitchen. It was late, the sun rising later than normal now that winter was approaching. The store should have been opened already, considering it was Sunday, they opened at 8:00. Thankfully, Bellamy didn’t have to train employees until Monday, so leaving the store closed for a couple hours later than usual was okay (for today, at least).

“How _is_ Jasper’s family?” Bellamy asked without realizing it.

“What do you mean?” Monty said. “Like, how they are? How they act?”

“I guess.”

“Oh, they’re really sweet.” Monty said. “His mom is like my second mom. She was there for me when my mom passed. They were best friends.” Monty nodded timidly. “It sounds so cheesy when I talk about it, but our moms became friends because of Jasper and I.”

“Dare I ask how they met?” Bellamy called from the kitchen, now curiously rummaging through the fridge. Monty glanced at him, but didn’t say anything or object to it, so Bellamy continued until he found enough eggs, cheese, and some ham to make two omelettes. They only had two pans on their stove, which looked pretty beat up and worn down. Bellamy washed one down and cracked the eggs in a bowl to the side of the stove.

“My mom was shopping around with my dad for last minute baby stuff when her water broke in the store. Jasper’s mom came and she, y’know, was trying to help since my dad had no idea what to do.” Monty paused, a smile on his face. “It was funnier when our moms told the story because they’d imitate my dad freaking out in the middle of the store. Jasper’s mom-- her name is Anne-- she came over to help my mom, and then in the middle of my mom’s contractions, Anne’s water broke. They said it was sympathy labor,” a laugh interrupted Monty’s sentence, “so now my dad was in the store with these two women going into labor at the same time, and he just has no clue what to do. Eventually they got to a hospital. My mom’s room was across from Anne’s room. I was born first.” Monty placed a hand on his chest triumphantly. “Jasper, a couple minutes later. My mom said after that they were inseparable.”

“Wow.” Bellamy called, whisking the eggs into a fluffy, bubbly mess before pouring them out into the pre-heated pan. The eggs bubbled and cooked on the bottom. For such a crappy pan, it did its job.

“Yeah. Jasper and I were always together after that, y’know? We grew up with each other’s families. His entire family is so kind. I love them.” Monty nodded slowly. “Why don’t you come over tomorrow and meet his mom?”

“That’s a little....” Bellamy held back the urge to say, _“This is not how I planned on meeting Jasper’s mother_ ,” because Monty would get suspicious and ask him what he meant by that, but Bellamy cleared his throat and shook his head. Besides that, he shouldn’t have been thinking about meeting Jasper’s family at all. Jasper didn’t even know he liked him, and Bellamy planned on keeping it that way. “I have to work tomorrow.”

“Well, she’ll probably be here for a couple of days.” Monty continued, dedication bubbling in his chest as he tried to imagine Bellamy Blake, intimidating as they came, meeting Jasper’s soft spoken, timid little mother. It seemed almost humorous in theory. “Maybe once we find out where Jasper is, you can meet her.”

Bellamy stomach flipped at his words.

“Do you have any idea where they took Jasper?”

“I mean, I’m assuming the hospital.” Monty replied softly. “Where else would he be?”

“If he’s at the hospital, they would’ve called.” Bellamy should know, he thought, there had been many a time people in the club ended up in the hospital, and called Bellamy up a day afterwards to pick them up as “family”. The hospital didn’t care as long as they were paid for taking care of them, so it worked out. Car accidents never took more than a day to call family, so Bellamy didn’t understand why Monty’s phone wasn’t ringing constantly at this point. “Something else must have happened. He wasn’t drunk, was he?”

“Hungover.”

“Maybe we should just wait for Emerson to call. He _did_ say he was going to call, right?”

“Well, yeah, it was _my_ car Jasper flipped.” Monty shrugged. “They have to call about it eventually. Someone has to call. Right?” Monty asked Bellamy now, and the two of them looked just as lost as they were at the beginning of the conversation. Monty’s eyes darkened from his spot at the counter of the kitchen, sitting down on a stool and balancing himself on his seat. “Can you imagine flipping an entire car?” He said softly. “Do you think he was scared? Do you...” Monty trailed off slowly, shaking his head. “Never mind. W-what are you making?”

“An omelette.” Bellamy flipped it one last time before folding it over and leaving a pocket of melting cheese in the middle. Setting it down in front of Monty on a plate he found in the dish drainer. “Here, eat.”

“Jasper said you liked to cook. Is it just a hobby, or...?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy smiled. “Jasper told you?”

“Of course he did, he doesn’t stop talking about you.” Monty slipped. “Oh god, don’t tell Jasper I said that. He’ll kill me.”

“I really doubt he has room to be pissed off at you for anything ever again after what he did to you. And your car.”

“I’m not really pissed off about my car.” Monty said. “Though I’ve been thinking about what I’m gonna say when we see him.”

_We._

“Should I lecture him, or should I just sit there and let him stew in it?” Monty spoke almost casually, as if he had been thinking about it for a long time, but Bellamy knew Monty would just be thankful to see his best friend again after what happened so suddenly.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, what are you gonna say when you see him?” Monty asked curiously, stuffing his mouth full of egg, ham, and cheese. “Once we find him?”

 _There’s a lot_. Bellamy froze up at his words, mindlessly flipping the eggs in the pan while Monty waited for some sort of a response from him. There really was a lot to say. He could do the same as Monty, be angry or annoyed with him, but did Bellamy really have a place to be upset? He didn’t think so. To be honest, the thought of seeing Jasper again sent his heart racing, ideas running in different directions while he tried to construct a single, linear thought. Monty let out a hum of amusement at the frustrated expression on Bellamy’s face.

“Nothing?”

“I’m just....” Bellamy trailed off. “There’s a lot.”

“I get it.” Monty nodded, though he raised his brows suggestively, and Bellamy glared at him as soon as he caught his gaze.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Monty feigned an innocent tone. Bellamy pointed the spatula he was using at Monty, though it was about as intimidating as a teddy bear. “Well, it’s just... you and Jasper hang out a lot.” Monty explained.

“Are you insinuating something?”

“Not at all. Just that, y’know, Jasper trusts you a lot. A lot more than I thought he would trust some guy that ran a bookstore he went to.” Monty admitted sheepishly. “And I think you care about him too, right?”

“You’re wrong.” Bellamy said, but Monty laughed at his lying tone.

“I think... never mind. It really isn’t my place to say anything about it.”

“Might as well finish the thought.” Bellamy turned the pan off after folding the omelette again, dumping a healthy amount of cheese in the middle and sliding it off of the pan onto Monty’s plate, though he was only half finished. Bellamy grabbed a spoon from the drainer, not feeling particularly worried about looking for a fork for a quick breakfast.

“You mean a lot to Jasper. That’s all I was saying.” Monty nodded slowly.

“Sure, that’s all you were saying.” Bellamy replied, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket after taking a bite of the omelette. Monty stole a piece of it, Bellamy glaring at him as he turned his eyes to the screen. Octavia texted him, asking if he wanted to call. She must have had a lot to get to that day considering it was close to 5:00 pm where she was. Bellamy quickly unlocked his phone, texting her back and mentioning he would call her once he got home. She read the message, but didn’t respond.

Monty sighed once he finished his breakfast, leaning back in his seat before cocking his head and smiling at Bellamy.

“Hey.” Monty said. Bellamy, taken aback by his tender tone, warily met Monty’s eyes. “Thanks for staying with me.”

“Oh god, don’t get all sentimental on me.” Bellamy objected, Monty grinning at his response.

“It really helps having you here.”

“Nooo, stop.” Bellamy groaned exaggeratedly. “The feelings are too much.”

“You’re a good person, Bellamy.”

Bellamy stopped joking around for a moment to take in Monty’s words, his voice trapped in his chest along with his breath. Monty’s smile softened, expression calm as he pushed himself off of the stool at the counter and walked towards the end of the hall.

“I gotta shower and stuff. Er, are you staying?”

“I should go.” Bellamy said, stuffing the rest of the food into his mouth. “I’ll pay you back for the food.” Monty lifted his hand, stopping Bellamy’s words again.

“Don’t. I’ll let you know if anything happens, okay? You’ll be the first person I call.”

“Thanks.”

Monty nodded, closing the bathroom door behind him and heading into the bathroom. Bellamy pulled his phone from his pocket, checking his back pocket for his keys and his wallet, which he had slept uncomfortably on all night. It seemed worth it, though, considering how much Monty’s mood had dramatically shifted from how it was last night. He was smiling, maybe not happy, but not nearly as upset as he had been. Bellamy knew the look in Monty’s eyes last night. There was something pleading in his eyes, desperate and wanting, and Bellamy knew if he had gone home and left Monty alone, he would have buried himself into a grave he wouldn’t be able to get out of.

At least Bellamy had been some sort of help.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, Bellamy walked out of the apartment, locking the bottom lock behind him and heading downstairs. He dialed Octavia’s number, her sweet voice answering within a second.

“Hey, O, sorry. I was-”

“With someone?” Octavia replied. Bellamy could hear the teasing tone in her voice.

“Definitely not in the way you’re thinking.”

“Well, I just wanted to call and check up on you. I know how you get. Lincoln is here, do you wanna say hi?”

“No.” Bellamy said firmly, and Octavia groaned.

“C’mon, just say hi!”

“Octavia, I just woke up. Give me a break for like two seconds. How’s it been going there?”

“It’s good!” Octavia began to list off the things she had done for the day, Bellamy walked outside of the apartment complex, staring at the sidewalk in front of him as he scratched the back of his neck. “We’re going out for dinner now, and then we’ll be visiting some stuff around the town. What are you doing today? And what were you doing yesterday? I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer.”

“Oh.” Bellamy said, as if suddenly remembering Jasper again. He didn’t want to explain it all to Octavia, knowing she would want to have a full blown conversation about it, about Jasper, as soon as he told her. “I was busy.” Bellamy brought his gaze up from the floor, eyes focusing on his car in front of him before he realized there stood John Murphy, leaning against his car with a cigarette hanging from his lips. God, he looked like some typical “bad boy” from a cheesy movie. Bellamy rolled his eyes. “Hey, I gotta go, something came up.”

“You’re acting so weird.” Octavia said. “But fine. Talk to you soon!”

Bellamy hung up without saying goodbye, tucking his phone in his pocket as Murphy smiled at him.

“You stalking me, Murphy?”

“I know your car, jackass.” Murphy replied, blowing a circle of smoke at Bellamy. “I was walking to the store, though. Guess you found it more comfortable over here.” Murphy gestured towards the apartment complex. Bellamy rolled his eyes and walked to the driver’s side of the car, unlocking it as Murphy slipped into the passenger’s seat.

“No smoking in my car.” Bellamy grumbled. Murphy grunted and put it out in the ashtray of Bellamy’s car, watching the smoke fizzle out into nothing more than ash. What a waste of a cigarette, he thought, but didn’t mind if Bellamy wasn’t going to try to kick him out of the car. Bellamy wordlessly started the car, pulled away from the curb, and started back for the store, though they only lived blocks away. Slowing to a stop, he let his eyes wander to Murphy, their gazes fixed on different parts of one another, Murphy’s on Bellamy’s furrowed brows, dark expression, and Bellamy’s on Murphy’s lips. Before it could go any further, Bellamy stepped out of the car and slammed the door, Murphy quickly following him upstairs, into the long stairway to their apartment before Murphy closed the apartment door behind him. Bellamy ran his hands through his hair. Tremors ran through his bones, shaking him to the core as Murphy slowly stopped him in his tracks, his hands landing on Bellamy’s shoulders and holding him in place. Bellamy shivered.

Whatever words that came to Murphy melted away as their eyes met, Murphy leaning in and pressing a warm kiss to Bellamy’s cheek. Affection wasn’t Bellamy’s strong suit, and Murphy was never really all that great at it either, but the small gesture sent Bellamy’s heart into overdrive, pulse pounding in his ears as his hands slowly eased up the back of Murphy’s neck. Moving felt like such a task at this point, and speaking far out of the question. Bellamy’s mouth felt full of sand, dry, yet his saliva tacky and keeping him from being able to form words, and words into sentences, and this was all _wrong_ because all Bellamy could think about, even with Murphy as close as he was, was Jasper, and holding Jasper, and hoping he would be able to see him soon because it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair.

Murphy kissed him.

Bellamy pulled away.

“It’s because of _him_ , isn’t it?”

Hesitation melted away. Bellamy nodded.

“I fucking knew it.”

Murphy moved to leave, but Bellamy grabbed his wrist, squeezing tenderly, only enough to keep Murphy in his place. Murphy’s eyes trailed from where his wrist sat in Bellamy’s hand, his fingers just barely holding onto him before he let his hand fall back to his side. When Murphy looked up, expecting to see something like anger, annoyance maybe, he was shocked to find Bellamy’s expression soft, even tender. His lips parted, taking in a long inhale of breath before he pulled Murphy back in. The fight in Murphy evanesced into nothing more than a few tugs of his body back, away from Bellamy, and finally, into his chest. This was weird, even for Bellamy. Their encounters never followed a linear path; sometimes Bellamy was soft and gentle, and he looked at Murphy as if he was the only person in the world, and other times, the roughness of Bellamy’s fingers around his hips and their bodies together was the only thing Murphy could feel until Bellamy shooed him away, and that was putting it nicely. _This_ never happened. Hugging? Not even a remote thought in either of their minds. At least, Murphy thought so. Hugging was a lot more intimate than anything they ever did. Kissing, whatever, fucking, having sex, every day thing, but hugging and doing weird affectionate things like that didn’t even exist in Murphy’s dictionary. Murphy wiggled himself free of Bellamy’s arms, stepping back and eyeing Bellamy suspiciously.

“You love that kid, don’t you?”

“Murphy.” Bellamy finally spoke, his voice rough and gravelly, sending chills down Murphy’s spine.

“Answer me.”

“I don’t.” Bellamy replied, but the expression on his face said otherwise. Murphy shook his head. “I... don’t know.”

“Just admit it, Bellamy.” Murphy shoved Bellamy away, nearly knocking him over a coffee table. Bellamy’s hands balled up beside him. “Admit it, say you love him.”

“I don’t love him.” Bellamy said, another shove from Murphy knocking the wind from his lungs. Bellamy gritted his teeth and took whatever Murphy was giving him. He backed up, next to the hall when Murphy shoved him into the wall.

“Prove it.”

Bellamy didn’t move from his spot against the wall. Murphy scoffed, walking away again, and not feeling Bellamy’s fingers around his wrist this time. He turned back, as if expecting something to be different, Bellamy’s expression or what he was saying, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t different. He was the same, selfish person from before.

“You’re pathetic.”

“Murphy, I get that you’re pissed off, okay? I’m... I’m sorry.” Bellamy’s tone faltered. “I’m fucking sorry. I thought... I felt something for you. I think I did this time.”

“This time.” Murphy echoed. “All the other times it was just a joke to you.” Murphy furrowed his brows. “It was real for me all the time.”

“I know. That’s why I’m apologizing.” Bellamy explained. “That’s why I’m not defending myself.” Bellamy gestured towards the door. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

Murphy expected something more than that. An argument. Anything worth arguing over, but not an apology from Bellamy Blake of all people.

“So... is this it?” Bellamy said.

The thought hadn’t even crossed Murphy’s mind.

Even after arguments, he and Bellamy always ended up together again. Through thick and thin, they somehow found their way back to one another’s side until they needed a break, or they fought again, and then they were apart for a couple days more. The longest they had gone without one another was a month, and it took Murphy a month of begging for forgiveness (pertaining to something he didn’t even do) to earn a chance to even speak with Bellamy again.

“ _It_?” Murphy reiterated. Bellamy nodded.

“We can’t keep doing this.”

“No, _you_ can’t keep doing this.”

“I can’t keep doing this to you.” Bellamy said. “I don’t want to anymore.”

“Is it.... Is it really because of that kid?”

Bellamy swallowed thickly.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Bullshit, you don’t know.”

“I don’t know!” Bellamy yelled suddenly, as if all of his feelings hit him at once and his words were the product of them. “I don’t know if I love him! I just know that I think about him, and it-it’s different than when I think about anyone else.” Bellamy searched for the words. “I’m happy to see him, and sometimes I hope he’s happy to see me too, and I-I want to be with him right now, I have no idea where he is, and I’m scared, all right? So no, I don’t fucking know what I feel for him. I don’t know what I want from him. Every day seems to start and end with him, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore to keep myself from feeling this way about it, about him.” Bellamy looked back up at Murphy. “And I’m really fucking sorry that I keep doing this to you.”

Murphy rolled his eyes, stuffing his hands in his pocket before finally parting his lips to speak.

“Nice knowing you, Bellamy.” Murphy said before opening the door and heading the way he came. “Enjoy your basket case boyfriend.” He called, then slammed the door downstairs behind him. Bellamy sunk to his butt in the hallway, stretching his legs out and staring at the wall in front of him. Bellamy told himself a lot of lies to make himself feel better about things that he did, but he knew that this time, he did do something right. He should have cut Murphy out of his life years ago, without question.

This was good.

This _is_ good.

As long as he told himself that, it was okay.

_This bed is so fucking uncomfortable, it’s like I’m sleeping on a rock.... Doesn’t smell like Bellamy, doesn’t feel like a couch, and it definitely doesn’t feel like my bed.... Where am I?_

Jasper tugged his wrist, feeling a weight heavy in his veins as soon as he tried to pull it off of the rock-hard bed he had been sleeping on for what felt like an eternity. His head pounded, and in the split second that Jasper tried to sit up, his chest spasmed and sent him lying down on the bed again. Jasper moved his other arm, which was significantly lighter than his opposite one, and rubbed his eyes free of sleep, or rather, something that was like sleep. Jasper didn’t feel like he normally did after sleeping, but disoriented and uncomfortable.

Peering one eye open, he realized that this most definitely wasn’t his room, and it wasn’t even close to Bellamy’s living room.

The walls reflect the sunlight coming in through one window on the opposite end of the room, the light illuminating the gentle hues of sea blue paint around him. Jasper looked to his left to find an IV leading into his arm, and then a machine beside him. It took him a second to realize he had a mask on his nose, a breathing mask that was pumping oxygen through him. That was weird. Why would he need that? He forced himself to take a long, deep breath, though it came out in choked, awkward coughs afterwards. Something was wrong in his chest.

Panic set in Jasper’s heart after he tried to remember where he was. He remembered fighting with Monty, he remembered seeing Bellamy and hearing him apologize, but anything after that... was blank. Searching for the answers, Jasper pressed down on the button on the side of the bed.

God, his head hurt so bad, but not nearly as much as his chest. What _happened?_

Suddenly Jasper became painfully aware of how big the needle in his arm was. He wanted it out.

The door to the right of him opened quickly, a man in white scrubs walking into the room, and then moving to stand by his side.

“You’re awake. That was sooner than we thought. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Jasper said, feeling guilty for cussing so suddenly, though the nurse didn’t seem to mind it. Instead, he smiled and walked over to the other side of the bed.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

“Er... yeah. Where am I?”

“Saint’s rehabilitation center. Do you remember who you are?”

“I’m Jasper.” He said, furrowing his brows. “Jasper Jordan.”

“Do you remember how old you are?”

“I’m... 19.” Jasper reaffirmed.

“Do you remember why you’re here?”

That was a blank.

As if repeating it would help jog his memory, the nurse said it again. Jasper shook his head somberly.

“Wait... I’m in rehab?” Jasper tried to sit up again, to which the nurse warily lifted his hands and shook his head.

“Please, lie down.”

“What happened to me?” Jasper’s tone sounded desperate, lost. “What happened to me? Where’s my phone? I need to call my mom, I need to call Monty. I have to see him, he’ll drive over here to see-” Jasper cut himself short as a wave of nausea settled deep in the pit of his stomach. Without realizing it, he was heaving, gasping for breath as the nurse rolled him over on his side as much as he possibly could with a waste basket by his side. Jasper didn’t end up throwing up, though he imagined it was only because he hadn’t eaten in what felt like days, but must have only been hours. “I don’t need to be in rehab, why am I here? I-I’m not an addict.”

“Jasper, what’s the last thing you remember?”

Deciding it would be easier to listen to the nurse, despite his ever growing confusion, Jasper thought back to the last thing he remembered. Driving. Driving... where? It was a long drive. Jasper fumbled with the radio a lot. He looked over to the passenger seat more than once, but there wasn’t anyone there. An envelope sat in the seat, Maya’s name messily scribbled on the front of it. Something for Maya? Something.... A letter. Jasper remembered writing a letter.

“I was... going to Greer’s.”

“That’s good.” The nurse continued as he ran his hands over the tubes and ensuring they entered Jasper’s wrist without being at an uncomfortable curve. Jasper wiggled his fingers at the sensation of his veins being pumped full of liquids.

“I took my friend’s car, and I was driving there.”

“That’s good! You remember more, that’s really good. We were afraid you had a concussion, but you had already been sedated, so we lost the chance to do prelims.”

“What? A concussion?” Jasper gestured towards his chest. “No, no, my chest hurts, not my head.”

“Fractured ribs have a tendency to be a little pokey.” The nurse said nonchalantly. Jasper shook his head.

“Er, I, uh, there must be some kind of mistake, I-I was driving to Greer’s and then-”

“If you wait a couple minutes, we can have an officer in here to talk to you about what happened.” The nurse explained calmly. “Do you feel well enough to speak to someone?”

Jasper’s lips parted, all words escaping his mind as he nodded and fell back against the bed again. His chest ached now, though he blamed it on the racing pulse in his chest, and not the fact that he (apparently!) had broken a rib. “Fractured” was a nicer way to put it, though.

None of it made sense. The fight with Monty was still fresh in his mind, as if it had just happened. He remembered the ugly things he said to his best friend, stealing his keys and running out before he could ruin their relationship any more than he already had. Finally, he wrote that letter to Maya. That much was clear. He wanted to give her the letter, he knew he did, but now he was... here. Jasper patted the bed, as if by some miracle they would have given him his phone while conked out for the last... however long he was in there.

The nurse left after a moment of chattering, though Jasper could hardly listen to a word he said. Instead, he willed himself to remember something, anything else than the mess of memories that came in flurries, as if his mind was in a downpour and there was no way to stop it. What the hell did he do? What happened?

A creaking sound brought Jasper back to reality, turning to his right to find the door open again, and a police officer walking in with a stack of papers. Oh god, that couldn’t have been good. Jasper’s throat tightened considerably. Did it get harder to breathe in there? He had no idea, but his lungs felt small, and the breaths he was taking even smaller. Finally, he forced himself to take a long, deep breath, inhaling the oxygen pumping through his nostrils and appreciating the rush of air in his chest.

“Jasper Jordan, is it?”

Jasper nodded.

The police officer looked up after pulling up a chair from the opposite end of the room. Jasper’s breath stopped in his throat as soon as the officer’s lips quirked upward into a sly smile.

“Hey, you’re the kid that hangs out with Bellamy.” He commented. Jasper swallowed thickly. That was the same cop that targeted Bellamy at the party, the one that Bellamy seemed to hate with a passion, though it could have been because they were grabbing at Octavia at that party.

Ugh, Bellamy, Jasper thought. He definitely remembered seeing Bellamy before running off and arguing with Monty. That was even weirder than anything else, the fact that Bellamy wanted to apologize and wanted him around was... odd. But not unwelcome. Still, Jasper ran away like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs because seeing Bellamy like that, being able to be around him and now being aware of his feelings, he knew at some point he would slip up and Bellamy would find out Jasper wanted to be with him. Jasper knew it was awful of him to hope it was only physical attraction, but that was because the idea of him and Bellamy Blake actually being in a relationship seemed more like a joke than a plausible idea.

God, Jasper wanted it to be possible.

“Y-yeah. I’m sorry, do I-”

“My name is Carl Emerson, I’m a police officer. You were at the party that night we arrested Bellamy, weren’t you?”

“You... threw me back. I think. After you got Bellamy.” Jasper looked at the corner of the room. “Maybe not, I don’t really remember.”

“You’re a friend of his, then?”

“Yeah.” Jasper nodded. “He’s my friend.”

“Well, we can talk about him later. First we have to talk about what you did yesterday. Did a pretty nice job on your friend’s car.” Emerson pulled out a picture and handed it to Jasper. It was Monty’s red car, completely demolished, and flipped upside down. Jasper turned it over, his eyes blown wide as he felt his breathing speed up. His pulse beat like a freight train in his ears, thumping rhythmically with the sound of his breaths. The pain in his chest increased again. “Yesterday you were found pinned to the steering wheel of this car, which had been flipped off of the overpass leading to Greer’s mortuary and cemetery. Emergency personnel assessed the situation, pulled you from the car, at which point you began to scream obscenities at them, and then, threatened suicide.”

Jasper’s heart skipped a beat in his chest.

“Due to the nature of what you were saying, officers filled out reports and requested you be taken into a rehabilitation center for three days for your own safety. To determine whether or not you are truly a threat to yourself, they have taken all electronic devices, and forms of communication.”

“W-wait, are you saying I can’t talk to anybody for three days?”

“It’s for your safety.”

“N-no!” Jasper exclaimed. “No, I have to call Monty, I have to apologize for what I did, and I have to tell my mom I’m okay, and-- and-!” _And I want to call Bellamy and listen to his voice because that feels like the only motivation I have for staying conscious right now!_

“The affidavit was already put into place by the officers and medical personnel involved, you’ve been placed into the care of the rehabilitation center for now.” Emerson paused. “We ran your blood, but your blood alcohol was at 0, so the charges aren’t DUI. That’s good news.” Jasper almost let out a sigh of relief at that, though he was still nervously picking at his nails, chewing on his bottom lip of being stuck in this place for three _days_ . Without speaking to _anybody_.

“To be completely honest, it looks like charges won’t be brought up against you unless the person who owned the car is bringing up some against you.”

“Oh god.” Jasper said. “I fucked up my best friend’s car.”

“We haven’t spoken to him yet, so if he does decide to bring up charges, they’ll be added. At the moment, there are only fines brought up now, a fine of damages to the overpass from flipping the car, and obviously fees for hospitalization, unless you have insurance.” Emerson did the usual spiel, waving his hand along before he looked back up at Jasper. “Do you understand what I have said to you?”

“Y-yes.” Jasper nodded.

“Do you need me to repeat any part of it to you?”

“No.”

“All right. Now, of course, comes the questioning interrogation part. Don’t worry, it’ll be over quick.” Emerson glanced down at the papers in his hand, staring at the page before Jasper cleared his throat and caught his attention while lazily pushing himself up on the bed.

“I said I was going to kill myself?”

Emerson glanced up at him.

“It was interpreted as a threat to commit suicide.” Emerson gestured towards the photo of Monty’s car. “Considering the condition we found you in, we were already considering sending you here in the first place. When medical personnel pulled you out, you said something about, “going to be with her.”” Emerson used air quotes. “Typically those words are a threat.”

“The letter-”

“This letter?” Emerson pulled an envelope from the packet of papers, encased in a little paper bag to protect it. “Yeah, we looked at it after we pulled you out. The affidavit was already being drawn up, but even if we were wrong about you by some chance, this would have reaffirmed suspicions.” Emerson paused and furrowed his brows. “Are you saying you weren’t suicidal?”

“No. I mean, I’m not suicidal. I’m not.” Jasper shook his head vigorously. “I swear I’m not. I was going to Greer’s to leave that letter by my girl... by my ex-girlfriend’s grave, and... I don’t remember what happened after that. But I swear on everybody, I swear on my life, I was not trying to kill myself in that car on that day.”

“But you have experienced suicidal thoughts outside of that car on other days?” Emerson quirked a brow. The room suddenly felt smaller, as if confessing that was the biggest thing Jasper could overcome in that moment. It was true, yes, that he had contemplated it a few times after Maya’s death. It would have made everything easier. Dealing with her death, well, he wouldn’t have to! And coping would be put on other people’s shoulders if he was gone. It wasn’t necessarily that he felt he deserved to die. On the contrary, he very much enjoyed living. He loved sitting on the floor at Blake’s, reading book after book and seeing Bellamy there in front of him. He loved quiet mornings where Monty brought coffee to him on the couch and they watched Mythbusters, or sometimes Steven Universe if they were feeling particularly sappy. Evenings of music and studying, finals, school, clubs, Bellamy.... All of it, Jasper loved. So why did he feel like that all the time?

Sometimes, Jasper would think, this is what Maya would have wanted. She would want me with her no matter where she went. That was how he justified it. But the truth of it all was that Maya would despise any of those thoughts he had about going to be with her, leaving his family and friends behind to follow her footsteps, granted she had died from an illness and not suicide. Jasper knew she would. He could imagine her expression quirking and faltering, the cadence and lilt of her soothing voice telling him she wanted him to experience everything in life, and that meant moving on without her.

His heart felt guilty for liking somebody else.

Jasper felt guilty for liking Bellamy.

Almost guilty enough to imagine Maya telling him it was wrong of him to move on, but he knew her. She would never say that.

If she were still alive and they had broken up by some chance, he knew if he told her about Bellamy, her soft, loving reaction would be, “Go for it!”

_God, Maya, I’m so sorry._

His conscience tried to pin it all on her, but it was really his overactive imagination that made Jasper feel like he was doing something wrong.

“Jasper?” Emerson repeated. “You have contemplated suicide outside of that situation?”

“Y-yeah. So I get why you guys would want me here, y’know, for my safety. But the last thing I want to do right now is die.” Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. “The only thing I want right now is to remember what happened.”

“Well, whatever it was that made you swerve over the edge, you’re lucky you didn’t get worse injuries.” Emerson gestured towards the tube in Jasper’s nose. “Besides the ribs, that car would have crushed you when it flipped. Whatever it was that stopped it from doing that was a gift. You should be thankful.”

“I am.” Jasper replied defensively, then softened and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I am.” He repeated, gentler this time.

“Well, I just have some things to leave here with you. Fines, and things like that. I would recommend having a lawyer look it over before signing anything.” Emerson mumbled the last part. Jasper looked up at Emerson flitting his fingers through each page in his hands. “I’m going to leave it with the nurses, they’ll put it in with the rest of your stuff. You can get it when you leave. If you have any other questions, you can stop by the station and ask me or someone else if you don’t see me.”

“Er, uh, sir?” Jasper said nervously, catching Emerson’s attention. He nodded. “You know Bellamy?”

““Know” is putting it nicely.” He said, the slight of sneers tugging at the corner of his lip. “Why?”

“I-I need him to know I’m okay.”

“You can’t communicate with people outside of this facility.” Emerson shook his head. “If you need more medical attention, they’ll take you to the hospital and your family can see you there, but as of now, you’re-”

“I didn’t want to talk to him directly.” Jasper said. “If I just give you a paper, a note to take to him, would you?”

Emerson furrowed his brows, immediately shaking his head, but stammered and faltered when he saw the look on Jasper’s face, a desperate, pleading glint in his eyes. Emerson groaned, closing the door to Jasper’s room and handing him a notepad and a pen from his shirt.

“You better not tell anybody about it.” Emerson warned. Jasper almost smiled. If he had the capacity to, he would have. But he had to think of something to write to Bellamy, something to show he was okay, that he was still alive, at the very least. Jasper scribbled sloppily, then crossed the message out and wrote it again. Then he folded the paper and handed it to Emerson. He tucked it in his pocket without reading it, and Jasper silently thanked him.

“If I get in trouble for this....” Emerson warned, and Jasper nodded.

“I won’t tell anybody. And neither will Bellamy. Thank you. Thank you so much.” Jasper repeated. Emerson opened the door to the room, nodding at Jasper one last time before disappearing down the halls. Jasper laid back on the bed.

Three days. Three days of not seeing anybody he loved, not even speaking to them. How was he supposed to deal with that? There was a TV in his room, but TV only took up so much time. Just lying there was starting to hurt his butt. Jasper wiggled, and then cringed when a particularly sharp pain hit his chest. He shouldn’t have been pushing it like that, especially since it was fractured and could puncture his lung or something like that. He heard about that happened when he was in biology. It was weird, the things he remembered during quiet moments like that. He sighed and leaned back in his bed.

Three days was a long time.

Three days was too long.

Silently, he wished he could shut his eyes and fall asleep for all those hours, all the time until he could talk to Monty, hear his voice at least. Or Bellamy. God, Jasper would give anything to see Bellamy, to hug him, to feel his warm, freckled skin under his fingertips.

What was even worse about spending three days in that place, besides being cut off from everybody he loved, was the fact that he had all this time on his hands. All this time to think of the things he had been avoiding for so long. Thinking of Maya, of Bellamy, of everything he felt all at once. He didn’t want to think about any of it.

Watching TV for three days didn’t sound like such a bad idea now.

* * *

 

Bellamy had spent most of his time reading over the text messages he had last sent Jasper. The majority of them were from the day of the party, goofy little messages here and there, and god, Bellamy wished he could talk to him like that again. Monty had messaged him earlier, mentioning Jasper’s mom was there, but he didn’t feel like meeting her quite yet. That kind of thing was a lot of pressure, and Bellamy had just relaxed that night after kicking Murphy out of his life and sitting in silence.

The store was open today, Bellamy having to train a new employee for days where he couldn’t work, since working seven days in a row just seemed a little excessive. They’d be able to take over weekends and maybe other days if Bellamy grew lazy, but as far as that went, that was all the help he needed. He waited, mindlessly chewing on a pen in hand as he swiped through his messages again.

This was getting a little pathetic now. Each smiley face Jasper sent to him made his heart twinge affectionately, as if it meant something more than just a smile, even though Bellamy knew the notion was ridiculous. That sort of thing never happened between them, or at least, Bellamy didn’t think it did. Jasper wanted somebody there for him, but not in the same way that Bellamy thought he wanted to be.

The door to the store opened wide and sudden. Bellamy looked up to find Monty standing behind it, holding the door for a woman with long blonde hair, and another with curly brown hair, the two of them walking in and marvelling over the stacks of books piled around the store. The blonde woman ran her fingers along the spines of the books, walking away from Monty and the other, curly haired women. Her ringlets bounced at her sides, Bellamy eyeing her curiously as Monty walked with her to the counter.

“This is Jasper’s mom.” Monty introduced her. “Anne.”

Bellamy took her hand in his own, resisting the urge to bring her knuckles to his finger and kiss them, knowing Jasper would probably lose it if he did something like that to his mother of all people. He smiled at her instead, her eyes appearing tired from behind her glasses. She pushed them up with her forefinger on the bridge of her nose, nodding at Bellamy and grinning back.

“Of course Jasper would manage to befriend the most handsome bookstore owner I’ve ever seen.” She laughed when Bellamy’s cheeks dusted light pink as he flushed nervously. “Does he bother you by coming here a lot? I never could keep him away from books as a little boy.”

“Constantly.” Bellamy joked. “I like having him around. He’s... really nice to have around.”

“Monty was telling me you two spend a lot of time together.” Anne smiled and leaned on the counter casually. This must have been where Jasper got his attitude from, Bellamy thought with a smile. “He really likes to make new friends, so I’m thankful you’ve been there for him.”

“Ah, you don’t have to thank me for that.” Bellamy blushed brighter.

“Nervous?”

“No, just.... Er, that’s Jasper’s sister?” Bellamy gestured towards the blonde in the bookcases, a complete contrast from Jasper’s dark hair, lanky figure, and slouched posture. Her long blonde hair cascaded past her shoulders in wavy tendrils along her back while she pulled a book from the case and opened it. Curves and all, she turned to her mother and Bellamy, pointing at the cover.

“This is Jasper’s favorite book.” She rubbed the cover. “At least, it was for a while.”

“Yes, that’s Lucia. She’s his older sister.” Anne nodded. “Stop staring, she’s an engaged woman.”

“Oh, n-no, I wasn’t-”

“Kidding.” Anne grinned widely, though her smile faltered as she turned back to Bellamy. “Well, there isn’t really much to say about this whole thing, is there?”

Bellamy quirked a brow at her sentence. What whole thing? Jasper? Is that what she meant?

“We tried to call his cell phone, but it went straight to voicemail again.” His mother sighed. “And when I called the company, they said they could only do it if the phone was still on, so it must be dead.”

A shiver ran through Bellamy’s back at the word.

“But if something bad had happened, we would have heard by now, so....” Jasper’s mom brushed her long hair away from her face and grimaced. “We’re keeping hopes high.”

“Anne is a little stressed out with Lucia’s wedding and everything.” Monty interjected. Anne reached out and pinched Monty’s cheek, squeezing lightly as he whined when she did so.

“And Monty here worries about me too much. Really, it’s okay, Monty. We’re going to stay down here until we find Jasper, and then we’ll go back once it’s all straightened out.”

Bellamy watched as Monty rubbed his pinched cheek, a mocking expression on his face as Anne chided him for being so negative, though Bellamy could tell she was equally anxious, her hands working together at her side as Lucia came to the counter and shook Bellamy’s hand while introducing herself. Even her voice was completely different than Jasper’s, soft and honeyed over. It sent chills down Bellamy’s back, but he smiled and toughed it out until she turned to her mother and Monty.

“Well, Monty really did just bring us down to meet you. We don’t have anything interesting to talk about quite yet. Have you heard anything?” Anne said, though she doubted Bellamy had anything else to give them. The truth was that Bellamy had considered asking Murphy to find out more, but since he had royally fucked that up in a hot second, it was out of the question now. Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, but cut himself short when the door to the shop opened once more, Emerson walking in easily towards the counter. Bellamy hesitantly took a step away from the register, hands shaking at his sides as he wiped them on his jeans. Emerson stood at the counter, wordlessly reaching into his pocket and handing a small white paper to Bellamy.

“If you tell anybody I gave you this, I’ll have to bring you in.” Emerson said, and Bellamy could tell by the serious tone in his voice that he wasn’t joking or taunting him. Bellamy swallowed thickly and nodded, nodding quickly as he took the note. Emerson smiled at the rest of them before leaving wordlessly.

“What is it?” Monty asked, knowing and recognizing that officer from being at the party. Bellamy shrugged. With shaky fingers, he unfolded the paper, running his fingers along the creases before it finally opened fully. Anne and Lucia had since lost interest, the two of them chattering about something else entirely, most likely Lucia’s wedding, though Anne nervously shook her head along with whatever Lucia said. She was nervous, worried about Jasper, obviously since he had been missing for a day already. She reminded herself that if something bad had happened, they would already know. They would already know. Lucia commented they should stop by the hospital and ask if he was there again, even though they had already called once. Maybe if they went in person, they’d be more understanding.

The paper had only a sentence scribbled on one part of it. No name. No address. Nothing to show that it was meant for him, but Emerson brought it for _him_ , so it must have had some sort of meaning.

The writing was familiar.

Jasper’s.

The sentence read:

“ _In times of terror or immense distress, there are moments where the mind waits.... 3 days._ ”

Bellamy relaxed at the words. His favorite passage. And three days. He had no idea what that meant, the last two words, but he did know the first part. Only Jasper knew that, and Bellamy knew that. It was him.

“It’s Jasper.” Bellamy said, handing Monty the note.

“Three days? Three days for what?”

“I have no idea. But that’s my favorite part in a book I’ve given to him, he knows that. It’s him. This is his writing.”

“What’s the matter?” Anne spoke from across the store, noticing Monty and Bellamy chattering quickly over this piece of paper. “Boys, what’s wrong?”

Bellamy ran his fingers over the words scribbled messily on the paper. It was Jasper’s handwriting, his words, _him_. God, there was nothing wrong if it was really him, because if this was really from Jasper, if it was something he asked Emerson to give him, it meant he knew Bellamy was worried. He wanted Jasper to know. God, he wished he could say something back. He wished he could know where he was, but if that was all Jasper could write, if that was all he could manage, Bellamy would live with that.

This was real.


End file.
